Defending Ted Cruz’s Twitter Porno “Like”

Yesterday, the nation experienced the unthinkable: a terror attack that came from a Hispanic immigrant inside our very own borders. Our Orange Overlord warned us this would happen.

Image result for trump immigration gif

This immigrant found his way into our country from Canada, where his Communist forbear was living at the time. He came to the United States, exploiting our permissive immigration laws that allow American citizens to move here without even having to so much as undergo a background check. He bided his time and used taxpayer dollars to go to our finest universities, likely usurping the rightful place of a natural-born, WASP American citizen. The whole time, he masked his true identity – Rafael Cruz – and posed as the unassuming Zodiac Killer.

Image result for ted cruz zodiac gif

Under this assumed identity, he made his way to Congress. After he lost the 2016 Republican Primary to a sociopathic orangutan, Cruz saw his opportunity to lay bare America’s crumbling counterterrorism infrastructure and commit one of the most unholy, reprehensible acts: he liked a pornographic video on Twitter, thus forcing a vulnerable nation to picture his melting face contorted in ecstasy while he furiously faps to a three-way.

Image result for fap gif

Of course, Ted Cruz made a convenient excuse and said one of his “staffers” liked the video posted by @SexuallPosts. And you know what, America? We believe him. Besides the fact that we know Ted Cruz would only like a porno if it involved a copious and filthy application of Campbell’s soup, we just know in our gut this has to be true. After all, having a huge, throbbing staff problem is nothing to toy with.

Image result for viagra gif

Letting another man jerk you around by getting off on your lap(top) sounds like fun, but there is a crisis point where it gets old really quick.

Image result for sex bored gif

Once something like this becomes public, you find yourself in a sticky situation.

Image result for something about mary gif

More and more people dogpile on you. Soon, what started out as a simple one-on-one issue becomes a free-for-all where everybody gets their licks in.

Image result for pile south park gif

It’s funny to watch, but when a turgid, engorged staff problem explodes all over your face, it’s not so humorous. There’s a huge mess for you to clean up at the end. And all the tissue paper in the world won’t help Ted Cruz clean it up.

Image result for enough gif

OK, just one more! Ted Cruz is not dicking around with his staff, anymore. No more Twitter for them!

Image result for there will be blood i'm finished gif

Photo Credits: Reddit, Giphy, Tumblr, Imgur, Make A GIF, Giphy, Tenor, Giphy, Tenor, Reddit

Advertisements

We’ve Almost Destroyed Almost All of The Orange Don’s Horcruxes

The last horcrux is in you, the American voter. Actually the last one is in his tragic weave, but the next to last one is in you, America. We’re always a close second to the Orange Don. If we had to guess, Steve Bannon was Trump’s Nagini. The Kumquat Despot always kept him close, and they always whispered bigoted shit to each other in parseltongue.

Image result for voldemort nagini gif

After years months of pressure, the Apricot Asshole finally got rid of his favorite advisor, though they’ll always have Klan rallies to remember each other by. Once the tragedy at Charlottesville happened, it was only a matter of time before Stephen K. Bannon finally metamorphosed into a racist, gin-soaked ashtray, better known as the executive chairman of Breitbart. Trump even congratulated Bannon on going back to his job at Breitbart – wait, what is that you say? He never left? From Forbes:

“Kurt Bardella, Breitbart’s media consultant from September 2013 through March 2016, says that Breitbart’s insistence that the website has no ties to Bannon is ‘a lie,’ pointing to the reports that Bannon was involved in a Breitbart story criticizing Reince Priebus back in February. [….] ‘Bannon was the primary driver of anything touching on the political space and that hasn’t changed just because he isn’t there anymore,’ Bardella told FORBES.”

Bannon himself seems to be pretty excited that he can now suck his own cock openly operate his hate-filled propaganda machine for as long as his bloated liver and pancreas allow him to live. From the Chicago Tribune:

 

“In an interview with the Weekly Standard, Bannon says he feels ‘jacked up.’

‘Now I’m free,’ he said, ‘I’ve got my hands back on my weapons. Someone said it’s Bannon the Barbarian. I am definitely going to crush the opposition.’”

 

If you’re wondering why Bannon is talking like a WWE hype man, it’s because 1) he is, 2) he’s also an asshole, and 3) he’s not actually giving a quote to the media, but talking to a bottle of bourbon.

 season 4 marge simpson lisa simpson episode 21 ned flanders GIF

 season 4 episode 21 4x21 lionel hutz GIF

So yeah, “Bannon the Barf-barian” is on the loose, y’all. What’s it going to be like, though? Well from the sound of it, the Barf-barian is not too happy with how he left the White House. Although he tried to tell his bros that he submitted his resignation a week before, we all know that’s bullshit because of how his fellow Neo Nazis friends in the “media” reacted to the news.

Breitbart says they are going to “war” with the Trump White House. Bannon himself even declared that the Trump presidency is “over.” He said he “always planned on [staying] a year,” which tells you he didn’t exactly accomplish his mission considering he was shitcanned after SEVEN MONTHS. Basically, Miss Bannon has gone full Mariah on Donald Trump:

Image result for mariah carey i don't know her gif

And we really can’t be surprised, because none of the assholes in the Trump Administration have an agenda besides pissing off liberals. All of these people – Flynn, Scaramucci, Bannon – are out for themselves. Even if it means the death of whatever crazy-ass misogynist, white supremacist agenda they have, nothing will stop these dirtbags from cutting off their nose to spite their face. It really would be in the Barf-barian’s best interest to support Trump and his cronies in every way possible. But he’s not gonna do that, because unless there’s crosses burning in the White House rose garden, they’re not ideologically “pure” enough for the Barf-barian. And to that, we say:

Image result for let them fight gif

Photo Credits: Giphy, Buzzfeed, Giphy, Giphy, Style Caster, Know Your Meme