Defending Ted Cruz’s Twitter Porno “Like”

Yesterday, the nation experienced the unthinkable: a terror attack that came from a Hispanic immigrant inside our very own borders. Our Orange Overlord warned us this would happen.

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This immigrant found his way into our country from Canada, where his Communist forbear was living at the time. He came to the United States, exploiting our permissive immigration laws that allow American citizens to move here without even having to so much as undergo a background check. He bided his time and used taxpayer dollars to go to our finest universities, likely usurping the rightful place of a natural-born, WASP American citizen. The whole time, he masked his true identity – Rafael Cruz – and posed as the unassuming Zodiac Killer.

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Under this assumed identity, he made his way to Congress. After he lost the 2016 Republican Primary to a sociopathic orangutan, Cruz saw his opportunity to lay bare America’s crumbling counterterrorism infrastructure and commit one of the most unholy, reprehensible acts: he liked a pornographic video on Twitter, thus forcing a vulnerable nation to picture his melting face contorted in ecstasy while he furiously faps to a three-way.

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Of course, Ted Cruz made a convenient excuse and said one of his “staffers” liked the video posted by @SexuallPosts. And you know what, America? We believe him. Besides the fact that we know Ted Cruz would only like a porno if it involved a copious and filthy application of Campbell’s soup, we just know in our gut this has to be true. After all, having a huge, throbbing staff problem is nothing to toy with.

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Letting another man jerk you around by getting off on your lap(top) sounds like fun, but there is a crisis point where it gets old really quick.

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Once something like this becomes public, you find yourself in a sticky situation.

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More and more people dogpile on you. Soon, what started out as a simple one-on-one issue becomes a free-for-all where everybody gets their licks in.

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It’s funny to watch, but when a turgid, engorged staff problem explodes all over your face, it’s not so humorous. There’s a huge mess for you to clean up at the end. And all the tissue paper in the world won’t help Ted Cruz clean it up.

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OK, just one more! Ted Cruz is not dicking around with his staff, anymore. No more Twitter for them!

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Photo Credits: Reddit, Giphy, Tumblr, Imgur, Make A GIF, Giphy, Tenor, Giphy, Tenor, Reddit

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The Time Ted Cruz Tried To Ban Dildos In Texas

One might criticize Ted Cruz for this, until one takes a look at that photo of the world’s most punchable face and realizes how much of a threat dildos pose to him getting laid. Grandpa Munster’s busted condom baby was, once upon a time, allowed to terrorize only the good people of Texas with his draconian politics. Back in 2007, Ted Cruz was the Solicitor General of Texas. Sounds like a fairly sexy job, but it actually doesn’t entail soliciting prostitutes for every voter in Texas. In this case, it involved defending a bullshit Texas law that banned the sale of vibrators. From Mother Jones:

“In 2007, Cruz’s legal team, [….] filed a 76-page brief calling on the [….] 5th Circuit to uphold the lower court’s decision and permit the [ban on sex toys] law to stand. [….]The brief insisted that Texas, in order to protect ‘public morals,’ had ‘police-power interests’ in ‘discouraging prurient interests in sexual gratification, combating the commercial sale of sex, and protecting minors.’ There was a ‘government’ interest, it maintained, in ‘discouraging…autonomous sex.’ The brief compared the use of sex toys to ‘hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,’ and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution. In perhaps the most noticeable line of the brief, Cruz’s office declared, ‘There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship.’”

Excuse me, one moment:

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OK, now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, let’s unpack those statements. Basically, Ted Cruz thinks that a person getting themselves off with a vibrator is like “bigamy”? Like, we’re married to our vibrators?

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Again, I hate to defend Ted Cruz on anything, but speaking for myself, he’s totally right. My vibrator and I have been acting like a married couple for years now. We sleep together, go out on dates, argue, have makeup sex, rinse, repeat. If my vibrator broke and “left me,” I’d be totally devastated. If the hostess at Red Lobster wants to side-eye me after I ask for a table for two (me and my vibrator, of course), I’ll tell her to fuck off, and remind her that future president (ha!) Ted Cruz gets it: me and my vibrator have been joined in holy matrimony. What God has joined, let no man tear asunder. Now if you’ll excuse me, my dildo and I are going to Netflix and chill, if you know what I mean.

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Photo Credits: TumblrTumblr, Giphy, Metro UK via Giphy