A GossiPol Primer: The Truth About The Women’s March

The day after the inauguration of our Orange Overlord (a day that he decided to proclaim the “National Day of Patriotic Devotion,” since nobody really paid attention to his swearing-in the first time around), almost five million men and women all over the world demonstrated peacefully in defense of women’s rights.

This peaceful demonstration that Republicans are always asking for didn’t sit so well with them for some reason. A lot of Trump voters are #Triggered that people are democratically asserting their rights. Noted men’s rights activist Piers Morgan, Republican legislators, and of course the Orange Don himself are all super-upset that a bunch of chicks gathered in large numbers and nobody got either a golden shower or a hot dinner by the end of it.

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In honor of Kellyanne Conway’s crusade for #AlternativeFacts, we here at GossiPol have decided to answer some commonly asked questions and concerns some conservatives have about the Women’s Marches that occurred over the weekend.

Don’t you chicks have anything better to do than complain? Trump won. Get over it.

As a matter of fact, we don’t have anything better to do. After his first day in office, President Camacho solved everyone’s problems, as promised. That left us with a yuge time vacuum we filled the only way we knew how – by complaining about shit with our girlfriends.

I heard men weren’t allowed. Why do you feminazis hate men so much?

Men weren’t allowed because as feminists, we are required by law to hate them. It’s probably some sort of pathological penis envy we haven’t resolved because we all have daddy issues. The Feminist Dyke Code (2nd Edition) technically mandates that I’m not allowed to tell you that. We cover it up by kidnapping unsuspecting dudes while they’re watching their favorite sports event and forcing them to march with us. They’re kind of like your token Black friend. Just look at these miserable bastards who were forced at gunpoint practically to march in solidarity with women.

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Image result for men women's march

Image result for men women's march

I know everyone who actually marched tells me that it was peaceful, but I’m suspicious. You babes were really just rioting, weren’t you? The liberal media covers it up, but I’m onto them too.

Don’t know why you guys are so suspicious that the millions of women who attended are telling falsehoods about their experiences there. Perhaps it’s time I come clean and tell you what REALLY happened at the Women’s Marches. The overriding cause of our march was to sacrifice as many children as possible to our dark lord and savior Hillary Clinton. The orgiastic blood ritual lasted about three hours, which was about the time when we ran out of children to sacrifice to our cruel goddess. Our plan is to organize future marches, inviting men to come along. They will be summarily executed when the march begins. We will repeat this process until we have eliminated men from the face of the earth. Finally, we’ll be free to do what all feminazis love more than anything: to scissor babies into each other’s uteruses and abort them right before they reach term. We haven’t sorted out how we’ll get pregnant, but we’re confident that with enough pussy hats, we’ll be able to solve that problem by the time we’ve cleansed the globe. In fact, we’ve uncovered heretofore unseen pictures of the unspeakable carnage that occurred at Women’s Marches around the world.

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Image result for women's march atlanta

You ladies have it pretty good in America. What about women suffering around the world? How can you complain about your rights when women in third world countries have it way worse?

Ah, the old reliable Sean Hannity straw man argument: if someone has it worse than you, don’t complain! You can’t possibly care about two things at once. The human mind is too fragile and simply won’t allow it. Of course, the Women’s Marches on Saturday completely ignored the rights of women in other countries, because liberal chicks only care about themselves. Just look at the women in places like Iraq and Kenya who didn’t even get to march and felt marginalized by American feminists.

Women’s march in Erbil, Iraq. (Twitter)

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We hope this GossiPol primer has been informative – especially for you, Donald.

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Photo Credits: GiphyNot News Enough, GQ, Quartz, Redbook, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, News.au, Yahoo, Albawaba, Jamhuri News, Giphy

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Democratic National Convention: Day Four

As day four came to a close, we saw the most powerful set of speakers yet make the case for why Hillary is not Donald Trump – I mean, is most qualified to be the first female President of the United States. Strangely, none of the speakers rushed onto the stage dropping pelvic thrusts in a stars and bars cape to “Real American,” Kenny Powers-style. The Orange Don would’ve never missed an opportunity to class up the proceedings in that way.

Strangely, the DNC’s choice of substance over style was just as riveting. One of the first speakers was the Rev. Dr. William Barber, II, the head of the North Carolina chapter of the NAACP. Rev. Barber might’ve looked timid gout-walking up to the DNC stage, but by the time he was finished, there was no doubt that this motherfucker owned the crowd. We really encourage you to watch the entire thing, because it was spectacular to see. The theme was, “The Heart of Democracy,” and y’all, it was like the Rev. King’s zombified body was brought back to life to read moral hypocrites for filth.

“We need to embrace our deepest moral values and push for a revival of the heart of our democracy. [….] Now, my friends, they tell me, that when the heart is in danger, somebody has to call an emergency code, and somebody with a good heart will bring a defibrillator to work on the bad heart. Because it’s possible to shock a bad heart and revive the pulse. In this season when some want to harden and stop the heart of our democracy, we are being called, like our foremothers and forefathers to be the moral defibrillators of our time. We must shock this nation with the power of love. [….] We can’t give up on the heart of our democracy – not now – not ever!”

Election 2016 dnc democratic national convention dnc 2016 hallelujah

Rev. Barber had that whole audience speaking in tongues by the end of his speech. He was a tough act to follow. But Khizr Khan, father of slain Army hero Capt. Humayun Khan, was able to follow it. You see, somebody had to tell Donald Trump how shitty he was for trying to ban Muslims from immigrating to the US. And that someone was Pakistani and Muslim immigrant Khizr Khan. It’s kind of hard for the sociopathic orangutan to shriek about national security when the people he wants to ban are doing their part to preserve that security. Again, this speech is a must-watch from beginning to end.

“Donald Trump, you are asking Americans to trust you with their future. Let me ask you: Have you even read the United States Constitution? (pulls pocket constitution from his coat) I will gladly lend you my copy. In this document, look for the words, ‘liberty’ and ‘equal protection of law.’ Have you ever been to Arlington Cemetery? [….] You’ll see all faiths, genders, and ethnicities. You have sacrificed nothing and no one.”

Yes, Trump supporters, tell us again how Donald Trump respects our military? Perhaps, much like his estimation of his own penis size, Trump was being a tad overbroad when he said he backs all our troops.

After that, the DNC brought out the spouses of fallen police officers, because we hadn’t cried enough already. They also had Dallas Sheriff Lupe Valdez, who held a moment of silence for fallen officers (interrupted at the very end by one or two people screaming out. Thanks, random asshole, for feeding Fox News conspiracy theories). With all the families of fallen heroes, including several generals and a Medal of Honor recipient speaking at the DNC, I guess that shuts up about a million Republican conspiracy memes.

So then, it was on to the main event: Hill-Dog herself, who formally accepted the Democratic nomination. Surprisingly, she didn’t have a Scooby Doo moment where she ripped off her latex mask to reveal she was really Josef Stalin, then drop iron curtain on an unsuspecting America. Instead, she gave a pretty awesome speech where she talked about Bernie’s – I mean, her platform – and dumped on Drumpf. Everyone was riveted – well, almost everyone.

Give the guy a break – he’s getting up there in years, and he did seem genuinely emotional and proud when Hillary first stepped on stage. But it was past his bedtime, and courting Hooters waitresses for three hours before the convention is tiring work.

Anyway, Hillary’s speech was good stuff. We had a few favorite quotes:

“Don’t believe anyone who says, ‘I alone can do it. [….] Isn’t [Trump] forgetting troops on the front lines, police officers and fire fighters, [….] doctors and nurses, [….] teachers?”

“When any barrier falls in America, for anyone, it clears the way for everyone. When there are no ceilings, the sky’s the limit.”

“Imagine [Trump] in the Oval Office facing a real crisis. A man you can bait with a tweet is not a man we can trust with nuclear weapons.”

At one point, she mentioned Bernie. When the camera cut to him, let’s just say he looked less than pleased.

This is the Bernie we all know and love: No fucks given and no pretense. If he’s having a shitty time at your party, he’s not gonna front like he’s loving it. For the last fucking time, he hates charades, he’s already missed Criminal Minds, and did anyone even consider an open bar before they invited all these people? Never change, Bernie. Never change.

So that’s it, America. Both conventions are done. One had all the pageantry of a goddamn Alabama concert, and the other was an actual political convention. We leave it to you to decide which one is more appropriate for the chief executive office, and which one is more appropriate for a no-holds-barred WWE tag-team event.

Photo Credits: Giphy, WiffleGifGiphy, ReplyGif, Gateway Pundit, Romper, Yahoo

Democratic National Convention: Day Three

Well, Democrats seem determined to take the high road, don’t they? Once again, everybody onstage, even a few Republicans, endorsed the official nominee. And protestors didn’t try to suplex anybody they didn’t like. Weird. Well Democrats, if you’re not fans of mixing WWE with politics and really want to deprive us of this:

wwe donald trump wrestlemania vince mcmahon ecw

Then I suppose we’ll have to settle for a whole lot of verbal shade being thrown at your orange-tinted opponent. One of the first shade-throwers was surprisingly, former CIA head and Defense Secretary, Leon Panetta. It’s interesting, because Panetta and Hillary, while certainly not enemies, don’t appear to be besties either. But if there’s one man who can really bring people together in mutual hatred, it’s Donald J. Trump.

Earlier that day, the sociopathic orangutan decided it’d be a good idea to open his trap about the whole DNC hack fiasco. The hack been a good thing for him so far, which clearly had the Orange Don asking himself, “How can I torpedo any goodwill cultivated from my opponent’s misstep?” I’ll tell you how: by straight up asking Russia to hack Hillary’s emails. In that same press conference, he also strongly implied that Putin called Obama the N word. Of course, there’s no way for Trump to know any of this, because he doesn’t know Putin personally. Except when he does.

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After hearing that bullshit, Leon Panetta changed his DNC speech at the eleventh hour and opened up the library on Trump.

“Donald Trump, today, once again took Russia’s side. He asked the Russians to interfere in American politics. Think about that. Think about that for a moment. Donald Trump, who wants to be president of the United States, is asking one of our adversaries to engage in hacking or intelligence efforts against the United States to affect an election.”

Just to recap, a guy with almost 40 years public service experience, who served under both Democrats and Republicans, and who used to be head of the CIA, would rather Hillary “Private Server” Clinton have access to American intelligence secrets than Donald Trump. Let that sink in for a moment. That’s how scary Donald Trump is to the intelligence community.

It only got shadier from there. Billionaire media mogul and former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke next. How did that go, you ask? Well let’s just say Trump’s a lot more aerodynamic with all the new assholes Bloomberg ripped him.

“Now, we’ve heard a lot of talk in this campaign about needing a leader who understands business. I couldn’t agree more. I’ve built a business and I didn’t start it with a million-dollar check from my father. [….] Throughout his career, Trump has left behind a well-documented record of bankruptcies, thousands of lawsuits, angry shareholders, and contractors who feel cheated, and disillusioned customers who feel ripped off. Trump says he wants to run the nation like he’s run his business. God help us.”

Finally, finally, another successful businessperson read Donald Trump for filth about his business practices. “You got a million dollar loan from Daddy to start your business? That’s cute. Tell me again about how you’re a self-made billionaire? I need a good laugh.”

Our personal favorite, though, had to be Vice President Joe Biden, or as we affectionately call him, Papa Joe. We call him Papa Joe because The Onion’s portrayal of him as a Trans Am-obsessed poon hound hustler is barely satire. Papa Joe gave his convention speech like that drunk guy at the bar who has some important shit to lay on you, if you’d just shut your goddamn mouth for a few minutes so he could talk. Because he’s serious, you guys. What he has to say will change your life.

“Ladies and gentlemen, to state the obvious and I’m not trying to be a wise guy here. I really mean it. That’s not Donald Trump’s story. Just listen to me a second without booing or cheering. I mean this sincerely, we should really think about this. His cynicism is unbounded. His lack of empathy and compassion can be summed up in a phrase that I suspect he’s most proud of having made famous, you’re fired. I mean really, I’m not joking. Think about that. Think about that. Think about everything you learned as a child, no matter where you were raised. How can there be pleasure in saying, you’re fired? He’s trying to tell us, he cares about the middle class, give me a break. That’s a bunch of malarkey.”

Nobody enjoyed the truth bombs more than Slick Willie. He was living for the sick Trump burns, you guys, and we can’t say we blame him. God, he’s going to make an amazing First Dude.

Of course, the star of the show was President Obama, who did a lot less shade-throwing than his predecessors at the convention. It was a long speech, but a good one. He talked about unity, improving on what he started, and Hillary being super over-qualified compared to her opponent. Most importantly, he encouraged everybody to quit bitching and start doing something, like voting for the presidential candidate who didn’t get scraped off of Chester Cheetah’s ass hairs.

“Now, Hillary has real plans to address the concerns she’s heard from you on the campaign trail. [….] That’s what leaders do. And then there’s Donald Trump. (Audience boos) Don’t boo—vote.”

I mean, seriously, people. You know how Donald Trump will really take all you “haters” seriously? If you get out there and vote for somebody that’s not him. Then, finally, America can tell him what he’s been telling Z-list celebrities for so many years:

will ferrell anchorman youre fired

Photo Credits: PopSugar, Giphy, Giphy, Photo Bucket, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy

Jon Stewart Hurts Sean Hannity’s Feelings Bad

Let’s all take a moment to enjoy how awesome Jon Stewart’s brief return to television really was. He only needed about ten minutes on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert to completely decimate Donald Trump, Fox News, and the Republican Party. It’s all here if you haven’t seen it yet.

The monologue was inspired by Roger Ailes’ resignation from Fox News, which happened after he tried to recreate the slave-girl Leia scene from Return of the Jedi about 3,000 times over the course of his career.

film star wars features total film film features

We’ll get to that gelatinous hypocrite later. For now, let’s stick with Jon Stewart and his brilliant monologue. He had some special words for Sean Hannity, whom he dubbed “Lumpy.” It went something like this:

“Either Lumpy and his friends are lying about being bothered by thin-skinned, authoritarian, less-than-Christian readers-of-prompter being president. Or they don’t care, as long as it’s their thin-skinned prompter-authoritarian-tyrant-narcissist. You just want that person to give you your country back. Because you feel that you’re this country’s rightful owners. There’s only one problem with that. This country isn’t yours. You don’t own it. It never was. There is no real America. You don’t own it. You don’t own patriotism. You don’t own Christianity. You sure as hell don’t own respect for the bravery and sacrifice of military, police and firefighters.”

Or, to paraphrase:

As you can imagine, Hannity didn’t take too kindly to being shanked at for acting like the world’s biggest hypocrite. Maybe it was the whole “Lumpy” thing? After all, Hannity has to be the softest-looking MMA master we’ve ever seen. But he can totally kick your ass.

The next day on his radio show, Hannity let the world know he wasn’t bothered as he dry-sobbed his way through a profanity-laden tirade about what a meanie Jon Stewart was.

“I see they brought that idiot Jon Stewart back from the dead. Great, attack me all you want. I was right about Obama and you’re a fool who head his head — had your head so far up Obama’s ass, Jon Stewart. I’ve never seen anybody kiss an ass like you kiss his. And now you’re sucking up to him putting your head up Hillary’s ass and sucking up to her too. Fine.”

Damn, Hannity, gurl, you seem a little hot and bothered.

you mad prince u mad you real mad bitch you mad

Hannity couldn’t let it go, either. Like the Calvin Harris to Jon Stewart’s Taylor Swift, he wants the world to know that he dumped her, not the other way around. And like all mature adults, he took to Twitter to prove just that.

“I’ve never seen anyone kiss more ass than #JonStewart. You’re a fool, go back into retirement.”

Ha! Way to not give him the power, gurl. Don’t worry, you’ll stop crying soon, Lumpy.

Photo Credits: Bob CescaGiphy, Wifflegif, Giphy, MTV

It’s 4/20, America! You Know What That Means?

It’s UN Chinese Language Day! No, wait…

It’s the day Hitler was born!

boo the princess bride

You’re right, that can’t be it since it’s not really a cause for celebration – quite the opposite actually.

Help me out here, America – there is some reason 4/20 is so popular. Think!

thinking winnie the pooh brainstorm

Aha! It’s:

National Lookalike Day!

Ted Cruz can celebrate his uncanny resemblance to Grandpa Munster, and this lady can mourn the day she confirmed, via her appearance on the Maury Show, that she looks uncannily like Ted Cruz.

A woman who was a guest on "Maury" looks just like Ted Cruz.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

Mystery solved. Why, what did you think today was, America?

smoke everyday

Photo Credits: TumblrGiphy, GiphyThe Maury Show/Reuters via New York Daily News, Giphy