President Camacho Uplifts the Spirits of the People of Texas After Hurricane Harvey

Primarily by providing unintentional comedic relief, but hey, whatever helps. If you look in our not too recent history, you can find several examples of presidents on both sides of the aisle giving, calm, compassionate support to victims on the ground in the aftermath of a natural disaster.

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So it’s not like there’s not a very easy-to-follow blueprint for the Orange Don to use now that a catastrophic Category 4 hurricane flooded Texas and Louisiana, displacing over 360,000 people and killing over 40 as of press time. All he had to do was approximate a semi-human reaction. All he had to do was visit Texas and not talk about himself for an hour or so while looking presidential. Vegas probably didn’t even take odds on whether or not that would happen, because of course it didn’t fucking happen, because we have a spray-tan-soaked man-baby shit-for-brains as a chief executive.

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On Tuesday, the Orange Don made his first trip to Texas and stopped in Corpus Christi, one of the first cities to be wrecked by Harvey when it made landfall during Trump’s Friday news dump. It started off on a tacky note when the First Couple of QVC America wore hats that could be purchased for the LOW, LOW PRICE OF $40! ORDER NOW AND CONTRIBUTE TO THE IMPEACHMENT LEGAL DEFENSE FUND RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN OF DONALD J. TRUMP! FIRST 100 ORDERS RECEIVE A FREE MAIL-ORDER BRIDE! CALL WITHIN FIVE MINUTES AND YOU’LL GET A BRAND-NEW FEMA TRAILER!

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Seriously, don’t order those shitty-ass hats from Trump – you can get them practically anywhere else for a quarter of the price. The profits will go to the much nobler cause of funding the Walton family’s hefty booze bills.

Once he got to Corpus Christi, it didn’t take long for the fuckery to commence at his first briefing. From NPR:

“FEMA Administrator Brock Long also took part in the briefing, after being introduced by the president ‘as a man who’s really been very famous on television over the last couple of days.’ [….] Trump later stood outside the fire station and waved a Texas state flag. ‘Thank you everybody,’ Trump said, saying the response to the storm’s flooding ‘is going well.’ As he looked over the gathering at the station, he declared: ‘What a crowd, what a turnout.’”

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We are never surprised at how inappropriate this man is, but we refuse to stop being grossed out by it. We never want to be okay with the Kumquat Despot using a natural disaster as an opportunity to brag about crowd size. “Aw shucks, you guys traveled all this way to see lil’ ole me?” No, bitch! They came to seek comfort and guidance from the President of the United States. As always, this is not all about you.

Shockingly, the Orange Don didn’t get rave reviews for, as he Tweefed out, “seeing the devastation first-hand.” No, seriously, that’s what he said. It was accompanied by this picture of him looking at a radar map in a conference room.

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Real man of the people, this numb-nuts. So President Camacho was in damage-control mode when he went to Houston on Saturday. That meant he was extra-careful to appear sensitive when he met with people who’d lost literally everything they owned when he appeared at a shelter in Houston. How successful was he? We’ll let you be the judge. From ABC News:

“During [Houston’s NRG Stadium] visit, the president at one point chatted with members of the press, and spoke optimistically about the recovery effort and what he’s seen, saying ‘things are working out well,’ and that the recovery effort has been a ‘beautiful thing’ for the country.

‘They were just happy, we saw a lot of happiness,’ the president said of his interactions with storm victims. ‘It’s been really nice, it’s been a wonderful thing… as tough as this was, it’s been a wonderful thing I think even for the country to watch and the world to watch, it’s been beautiful.’”

 

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Don’t worry, he also maintained his presidential composure when he thanked the Coast Guard for their bravery in rescuing people from the torrential flood waters. Luckily for him, he didn’t mention how he still wants to cut $1 billion from their budget. But of course, he couldn’t resist nursing his grudge with the media while honoring the nation’s heroes, because it’s called CLASS, people. From Mediaite:

“As Trump gave a brief address commending the Coast Guard, he dropped a snide insinuation about how media people wouldn’t dare run towards disaster or save lives unless they can get a story out of it. ‘I hear the Coast Guard saved…almost 11,000 people by going into winds the media would not go into,’ Trump said while pointing at the cameras. ‘They will not go into those winds unless it’s a really good story, in which case they will.’”

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It gets worse, though. If you thought, after Tuesday’s trip, that we’d safely escaped Trump’s first natural disaster as president without him referring to his imaginary monster cock, you were wrong, Nation. You were so very, very wrong. Because when Trump met with storm victims in Houston, his id took over. And yes, the Apricot Asshole had to mention his super-masculine, not-at-all dainty, tea-pouring hands. From The Independent:

“Video [….] of President Trump’s visit to the NRG Center shows him putting on gloves to help with the hand-out at a food serving line before turning to where the press are gathered and saying ‘my hands are too big.’”

Sure, OJ Simpson!

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You know he really wanted to say, “It’s OK, folks! President Big Dick is here! I know you were worried about losing all your earthly possessions just a minute ago. But then you saw my cock-sure stride, and you forgot all about it. With a schlong this big, how could I not solve all your problems? Alright, gotta get these gloves on so I can hand out food, but don’t be offended if my MASSIVE PENIS gets in the way. You might get a side of DEEZ NUTS instead of potato chips, but that’s the chance you take!”

As confident as we are in the President Super Schlong’s ability to cock-slap a hurricane into submission, we’re still hedging our bets and donating to the worthy causes listed below.

To donate to the Episcopal Relief & Development Fund, click here.

To donate to the Texas Diaper Bank, click here.

To donate to the Humane Society’s Disaster Relief Fund, click here.

To donate to Direct Relief, click here. Ebay is matching donations made via PayPal.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Indy 100, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Mediaite, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy

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Trump and Nazis Sittin’ In a Tree…

Acting in complicity! You know the words, America! So yeah, shit got real over the last few days, didn’t it? The Orange Don, tired of the subtlety of dog whistles and coded racism, went all-in and straight-up defended white supremacists. It’s kind of a refreshing return to his roots, since a recently-unearthed 1990 interview with Vanity Fair shows that all the jokes about this Cheeto-encrusted sack of shit keeping a copy of Mein Kampf in his bedside table wasn’t too far off the mark.

“Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s collected speeches, ‘My New Order,’ which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed.

‘Did your cousin John give you the Hitler speeches?’ I asked Trump.

[….] ‘Actually, it was my friend Marty Davis from Paramount who gave me a copy of Mein Kampf, and he’s a Jew.’ (‘I did give him a book about Hitler,’ Marty Davis said. ‘But it was My New Order, Hitler’s speeches, not Mein Kampf. I thought he would find it interesting. I am his friend, but I’m not Jewish.’)

Later, Trump returned to this subject. ‘If I had these speeches, and I am not saying that I do, I would never read them.’”

 

Considering that his dad was ALLEGEDLY arrested for rioting with the KKK, we’d say maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the white supremacist tree.

As we’ve all heard by now, there were two white supremacist rallies in Charlottesville, Virginia this weekend. The second one took a tragic turn when Heather Heyer, a counter-protestor, was mowed down by a Nazi in his car. I call him a Nazi because here he is with his fuckhead Nazi buddies (center):

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The ostensible purpose of these “Unite the Right” rallies was to protest the removal of a statue of Confederate general Robert E. Lee. Strangely, though, the way these assholes chose to protest said removal of said statue was to shout slogans, hold up signs, and give speeches that had absolutely no mention of Robert E. Lee or his memorial. Here’s what some of these idiots, who were chanting “blood and soil” (a charming throwback to Nazi Germany) looked like:

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If you were a normal person who wanted to protest the removal of a statue, and you saw these fuckwit fascists when you arrived at the demonstration, you turned right back around and got as far away as possible. If you were a white supremacist, you stayed. Call it woman’s intuition. There’s just something about a swastika that sends nice, decent folk running in the other direction.

Unless, of course, you’re the Kumquat Despot. After Steve Bannon likely whispered sweet nothings in his ear, he decided that lots of super cool, nice people were on the white supremacist side. And because he has absolutely no self-control, he decided to let the entire fucking world know that. Right before the signing of an executive order, the Orange Don let his freak flag fly on the Charlottesville crisis. From ABC News:

“‘We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides,’ Trump said Saturday from his golf resort in Bedminster, New Jersey. Looking directly at the camera, he repeated, ‘On many sides.’”

He then promptly left the stage before signing the executive order, and not for the first time, either.

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The very next day, Trump walked it back. But you just can’t keep a good racist down, because the very next day, he let us all know that scripted statement condemning racism was #FakeNews. At a presser in Trump Tower, the Orange Don went off script again in the most fucktastic display we’ve ever seen. From CNBC:

“You have some very bad people in that group, but you also had people that were very fine people on both sides. [….] You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking down of, to them, a very, very important statue and the renaming of a park from Robert E. Lee to another name. [….] So, you know what? It’s fine. You’re changing history. You’re changing culture and you had people, and I’m not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists because they should be condemned, totally. But you had many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and white nationalists, OK? And the press has treated them absolutely unfairly.”

Yup, some fine people. Like Richard Spencer, Baked Alaska, and this super-cool racist named Jason Kessler, who spoke at the event.

“No. No. There were people in that rally — and I looked the night before. If you look, there were people protesting very quietly the taking down of the statue of Robert E. Lee. I’m sure in that group there were some bad ones.”

Let’s look at the night before!

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Aw, polo-wearing bros who shop at Pier One couldn’t possibly be bad! Wait, what? They were chanting “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us”? Never mind, fuck them.

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For anyone who does not think what Donald Trump said yesterday was a clarion call to white supremacists (and unfortunately, there are quite a few people who fall into this camp), think back to the days of the Civil Rights Movement. These are the exact same kinds of arguments used by segregationists to decry civil rights activists. Were there people in the Civil Rights Movement who were violent? Of course! You don’t suffer under institutionalized racism your entire life without getting just a little pissed off. But make no mistake, America – the only reason to bring up the “both sides” argument is to equivocate white nationalists with those who fight for equality. We’ve seen it before – let’s not let history repeat itself.

Photo Credits: Huffington Post, NY Daily News, Los Angeles Daily News, Jewish Telegraphic Agency, The Independent, ABC News, Giphy, Outside the Beltway, The Gem Diva, Giphy

Bless Your Heart, Trump Adviser Carl Paladino

It’s that time again, America. Somebody done fucked up and made it all about themselves, which means it’s time for us to condescendingly tell them: Bless your heart.

This edition comes to us from Trump adviser Carl Paladino, seen here looking like a mafia boss coming to collect an overdue bribe. That or a Dollar Store version of Emperor Palpatine – it changes depending on the lighting.

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Before we get into the meat of the story, let’s give you the background on our charming subject. Emperor Carl Tony Soprano Palpatine is a New York businessman who specializes in real estate development, just like his orange-tinted idol. He ran for governor of New York in 2010 against Mario Cuomo. The campaign was going splendidly until people found out that Emperor Carl’s, Jr. Paladino only believed in the sanctity of marriage when espousing his anti-gay platform, not when it came to his own personal vows. Yes, our buddy Carl decided to go off and have a love-child with one of his staffers. His message to his wife of almost 40 years when she found out? “Get over it.”

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So what did this paragon of morality, Emperor Vinny Testaverde Paladino, do to celebrate the birth of the Lord and Savior of the Republican Party Donald Trump Jesus Christ? Why, he “accidentally” forwarded a racist diatribe about the Obamas to a Buffalo newspaper, that’s what! The Buffalo publication Artvoice sent a survey to Paladino and 41 other people asking them about their hopes for the upcoming year. These were Emperor Douchewater Paladino’s responses:

“What would you most like to happen in 2017?

Obama catches mad cow disease after being caught having relations with a Herford [sic]. He dies before his trial and is buried in a cow pasture next to [Obama adviser] Valerie Jarret [sic], who died weeks prior, after being convicted of sedition and treason, when a Jihady [sic] cell mate mistook her for being a nice person and decapitated her.

What would you like to see go away in 2017?

Michelle Obama. I’d like her to return to being a male and let loose in the outback of Zimbabwe where she lives comfortably in a cave with Maxie, the gorilla.”

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We’ve spoken about white oppression before, America, and wouldn’t you know it? A bunch of folks got their panties in a twist and started accusing Emperor Carl of being – gasp – racist! And he is not happy about it, you guys. He is shocked and offended that anyone would think suggesting a Black woman go to Africa (where she was not born) and fuck a gorilla is racist. The mere suggestion gives him the vapors, like the genteel Southern lady he isn’t.

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When asked about why the fuck he decided this survey response was a good idea, Trump’s butt buddy and soulmate had this to say. From NY Daily News:

“I never intended to hurt the minority community who I spent years trying to help out of the cycle of poverty in our inner cities,’ Paladino said in the statement. ‘To them I apologize. [….] I wanted to say something as sarcastic and hurtful as possible about the people who are totally responsible for the hurt and suffering of so many others. I was wired up, primed to be human and I made a mistake. I could not have made a worse choice in the words I used to express my feelings.’

Paladino said he only intended to share the comments with friends but hit ‘reply’ instead of ‘forward’ on an email, sending his remarks to ArtVoice by mistake.

[….] ‘For the mean-spirited, disoriented press trying to find grounding and recover legitimacy on my back, pray that you still have a job next year because you have lost all credibility with the people,’ he wrote.”

Aw, poor, delicate snowflake! The indignity of being called racist when you are just “trying to help” the “minority community” by – we guess, from the looks of his website – buying real estate in downtown Buffalo? Because “building great structures” is the true definition of sacrifice and helping your fellow man, as the Orange Don has taught us all.

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Even better, this asshole somehow manages to make himself the victim in all this because he doesn’t know how the “Reply” button works, and the press is just so mean to him. Bless your heart, Carl Paladino – you really think you’re the victim in all this? Sorry boo, but:

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Photo Credits: PopkeyChange.org, Dograt, Pinterest, Giphy, Mic, Tumblr

The Republican Healthcare Plan In A Nutshell: Try Not To Get Sick

We have less than a month to go before we can change GossiPol’s countdown timer from “Days until President Camacho’s Inauguration” to “Days until President Camacho’s Impeachment.” With time ticking away on the clock before Republicans have control of a rabid orangutan the presidency, the House, and the Senate, the GOP is still short on healthcare proposals. This is not surprising, considering the Republican-controlled Congress has beenand remains – one of the most historically ineffective.

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But hold on a minute – are we talking about the same Republican Congress that constantly bitched about Obamacare and threatened to repeal it? Why yes, yes we are! They are one and the same. Now, far be it from us to accuse these hypocrites of failing to come up with ideas. Oh, they’ve got ideas alright – just not good ones. Now, apparently, the plan is to replace Obamacare with “universal access.” This means that you can buy insurance if you feel like it. That’s sure to give ERs and Urgent Care Centers across the country pause, isn’t it? From the New York Times, via MSN:

“‘Our goal here is to make sure that everybody can buy coverage or find coverage if they choose to,’ a House leadership aide told journalists on the condition of anonymity at a health care briefing organized by Republican leaders. [….] ‘We would like to get to a point where we have what we call universal access, where everybody is able to access coverage to some degree or another. Over the past six years, if you look at the experience we’ve had with the A.C.A. rollout, chasing coverage doesn’t necessarily yield great outcomes.’”

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First of all, how the fuck does the Republican plan translate to people not “chasing coverage”? You’re still looking for the best plan in a sea of plans that only provide coverage “to some degree or another.” Great – so by “some degree or another,” you mean most of the plans won’t fully cover me? How is this better, Republicans? If an insurance carrier only covers 50% of a $100,000 procedure, how am I still not bankrupted when I can’t pony up the other half? We’ve said before that Obamacare needs changes, but is this really the best the GOP could come up with?

But wait, America – it gets so much better. Rep. Bill Huizenga has a super-helpful suggestion for the plebs who can’t afford full coverage – wait it out. From Michigan Live:

“Huizenga says more responsibility needs to shift to the shoulders of patients to reduce costs. [….] The father of five offered a personal example of how this shift might play out. He says his youngest son fell and injured his arm. Not sure if it was sprained or broken, he and his wife decided to wait until the next morning to take the 10-year-old to the doctor’s office, instead of going to the emergency room that night. The arm was broken. ‘We took every precaution but decided to go in the next morning [because of] the cost difference. If he had been more seriously injured, we would have taken him in. [….] If you don’t have a cost difference, you’ll make different decisions.’”

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We don’t even know where to begin with this asshole. To be fair, he immediately regretted saying that, especially since people rightly pointed out that if you don’t immediately treat a broken bone, you can have serious side effects. But at the same time, goddess bless him for accidentally speaking truth to power. This, in actuality, is the Republican health care plan: “Wait it out. Do you really need to treat that broken bone when your deductible is so high?” That’s part of what both parties allegedly want to fix, but that’s not really true, is it? In reality, that’s what liberals like Bernie Sanders want to fix.

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What Republicans like Rep. Huizenga want to fix are the burdensome costs on the poor insurance companies. Because guess who contributes the most to his campaign? You guessed it – insurance companies. Just like Trump’s appointee for Health and Human Services Secretary, Rep. Tom Price, the politicians who want your premiums to go up are the same assholes who take in massive amounts of cash from insurance companies and drug manufacturers. Remember that when you go the polls for mid-term elections, America. You’ll remember better if you don’t go to the polls hopped on meth and computer duster again.

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Photo Credits: Head Over Feels, Giphy, WiffleGIF, Blavity, Rebloggy

Tomi Lahren’s Appearance On The Daily Show Sure Was…Something

In case you’re lucky enough to not know who Tomi Lahren is, allow us here at GossiPol to spare you having to visit The Blaze to find out. She’s a hyper-conservative, super-hot talking-head who hosts her own web series, which primarily consists of her foaming at the mouth about liberals for three-to-five minute “news” segments. She’s seen here, looking like that sorority sister who mixed Adderall and Xanax before downing 10 Jell-o shooters and going on a racist tirade at the year-end mixer:

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Last night’s interview is here in its entirety. The interview kicked off with this quote, which accurately sums up Tomi’s views, and pretty much the whole interview:

“I’m a Millennial, so I don’t like labels.”

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Trevor Noah then asked her about one her favorite phrases: “I’m not racist, but….” If you think we’re exaggerating that she says this all the time, check here, here, and here for the receipts. She goes back to it almost immediately, saying, “I’ve never used racial slurs to address people, I’ve never looked down on [other races]. In fact, I don’t see color.” Because that is the test for racism – there isn’t a broad spectrum of racism, from murderers who commit hate-crimes to your non-violent grandpa. The test for racism, according to Tomi, is, “If I’m nice to people of color, I’m good, right?” Sure, you are, Tomi. Just ask this lady:

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Paula Deen was super nice to Black folks. She hired them to work at her restaurants. She even bought her kids Hank Aaron pajamas! But Paula’s racism was much more subtle. She thought having a plantation wedding, replete with Black servants acting as slaves, was just a quaint throwback to a more genteel time, not a demeaning exercise celebrating white superiority. She wasn’t lynching anybody or calling them the N-word (well, except for that one time) but guess what?

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So when Tomi defends her assertion that Black Lives Matter is the new KKK, we hate to offend her (actually we don’t), but that shit’s straight-up racist. Comparing a group of protestors to a hate group that popularized lynching and cross-burnings is just a little beyond the pale. And calling the Dallas shooter a Black Lives Matter member when time and again the evidence has shown that he was in no way affiliated with them is also straight-up racist. We know all Black people look alike to you Tomi, since you “don’t see color” and all, but that gunman was not a BLM protestor. Just because he’s Black and at a BLM protest doesn’t mean he’s “with them.”

Perhaps, though, our girl Tomi sympathizes with BLM more than we know. Because when Trevor Noah calls Tomi and her followers “alt-right,” she almost disintegrates like a sensitive, liberal snowflake and decries being “labeled.” As Trevor Noah deftly pointed out, saying all Trump supporters all alt-right is about as shitty as saying all BLM protestors are KKK members because of the actions of a few. That shit flew right over Tomi’s head, because empathy isn’t exactly her strong suit.

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Our favorite part, though, was when Trevor Noah asked Tomi about her viral video on Colin Kaepernick. It’s here if you haven’t seen it and you like being ear-fucked by an angry, white 24-year-old. Basically, Tomi thinks that “boy” Kaepernick should grow up and quit complaining, that kneeling during the national anthem is disrespectful, and that he can leave America if he doesn’t like it. Trevor Noah wanted to know, as we did: if peaceful protest is “looting,” if being part of a movement like BLM is “rioting,” and kneeling is an “act of aggression,” how should Kaepernick express dissatisfaction with the way Black people are treated in America? “Appear on my show” was the only cogent answer we got out of Tomi. She then rambles on about how women didn’t always have rights, but she would never “make herself a victim” by protesting in the streets.

“I, being a woman, I didn’t have [the right to vote until] after Black people. But because I feel like I’m a woman and I’ve been marginalized in some way [that doesn’t mean I would] protest my [against] country. [….] I don’t protest! I’m not a victim!”

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Oh, you sweet summer child. You think that’s how women got the right to vote? By “not protesting?” You think women like Lucy Burns didn’t get arrested for picketing the White House? You think the Womans Party Suffrage Campaign got what they wanted by being meek and mild instead of employing “aggressive agitation, relentless lobbying, clever publicity stunts, and creative examples of civil disobedience and nonviolent confrontation”? Nobody, not Black people, not women, not LGBT, ever got anything they wanted by saying “pretty please.” That’s just a fact. Acquaint yourself with it before Elizabeth Cady Stanton rolls all the way out of her grave.

But you know Tomi can’t admit that people in this country are being victimized. It really runs against the whole “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality she espouses to an extreme degree on her show. Of course, we all like to think if we work hard and don’t complain, we could all achieve the American dream. A lot of people can. But it’s scary to think that if you were born a different color, or in a different socioeconomic status, that your life would be completely fucked due to external forces beyond your control. People like Tomi are much more comfortable thinking that she’s on top because she’s super-smart, not because she’s a hot woman who was lucky enough to be born white.

Photo Credits: MicOdyssey, Giphy, Giphy, Photobucket, The Hollywood GossipTumblr