The Bubble Wrap President

When the alt-right coined the term “Snowflake,” they must have been looking into a crystal ball at their future lord and savior, Cheeto Jesus President Donald J. Trump. Minorities, peaceful protests, Rosie O’Donnell – you name it, it gets under the Kumquat Despot’s skin.

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The last two weeks have seen a Category 5 orange shit storm wreck the United States via Twitter. President Camacho has been feuding with everybody. Right after Hurricane Maria ravaged Puerto Rico, he called the mayor of its capital city “nasty” and an “ingrate” who “wants everything done for [her].” Of course, she totally deserved to be called out for the unpardonable offense of – gasp – criticizing the President’s disaster relief response. Which, as we’ve covered here at GossiPol before, was not great.

Trump also had “plenty of time” to spare to drag all the uppity Black athletes who took a knee during the pre-game national anthem. The coked-up orangutan felt it was an “important function of working” to Tweef about how NFL players don’t respect our military half so much as a five-time draft-dodger who hates on POWs as a hobby.

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So impassioned is our Commander In Chief about respect for our military, he sent a fully-functioning GOP action figure (complete with amorphous Ken doll genitalia, no doubt) to waste almost $250,000 of taxpayer money on a five minute counter-protest. From CNN:

“[Vice President] Pence left the [Colts-49ers] game after some players knelt during the National Anthem, saying he did not want to ‘dignify’ the demonstration. ‘I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem,’ Pence wrote on Twitter. [….] President Donald Trump tweeted afterward that he asked Pence to leave the stadium. [….] The grand total [cost of his hours-long trip to Indianapolis]: about $242,500.”

Upon hearing that, every taxpayer in America was like:

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Of course, it’s not a Category 5 orange shit storm if Trump doesn’t cut off his nose to spite his face. To date, he is still in a shade war with outgoing Republican Senator Bob Corker. It looks like Sen. Corker is now having second thoughts about helping to elect a sociopathic narcissist to our nation’s highest office. And now, Ms. Corker is not holding shit back. Oh, at all.

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From Politico:

“Earlier Sunday, Trump and Corker launched criticisms at each other via Twitter, with Trump firing the first salvo, writing that “Corker ‘begged’ me to endorse him for re-election in Tennessee. I said ‘NO’ and he dropped out (said he could not win without my endorsement).” In another post, Trump added that the Tennessee senator “also wanted to be Secretary of State, I said ‘NO THANKS.’ He is also largely responsible for the horrendous Iran Deal!”

Corker quickly responded with his own online post, writing that “it’s a shame the White House has become an adult day care center. Someone obviously missed their shift this morning.””

 

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Now Republicans are freaking out. They’re really starting to feel that the price of electing one of their own to the White House, regardless of qualifications, ain’t cheap. But only a few of them are freaking out for the right reasons.

You see, America, as entertaining as all of this fuckery is, it shouldn’t be our main focus. The sideshow is both the symptom and the disease of our mentally ill POTUS. His handling of the natural disaster in Puerto Rico is the perfect example of how Donald J. Trump is what we are now calling the Bubble Wrap President.

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When Hurricane Maria devastated the island nation, it was a turning point for the Trump administration. Dear Leader was already starting to show signs that perhaps he wasn’t going to be the “consoler in chief” people come to expect out of the President in times of crisis, at least judging from his tone-deaf handling of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. Before he even had a chance to visit the island, Trump made clear he gave approximately zero fucks about 3.4 million American citizens living without food, water, or power. He Tweefed about pretty much everything but Puerto Rico, and only seemed to care when the mayor of San Juan shanked at him on national television. His first show of “empathy” came by way of Tweefs simultaneously promising help and admonishing Puerto Rico for their debt crisis.

Trump’s babysitters staff did not miss these warning signs. It was obvious to them – and to anyone with a set of functioning eyeballs and earballs – that if they sent the Kumquat Despot into the bleak and desperate aftermath of a hurricane, he would confirm that he didn’t give a KFC-induced shit about any of the people there. But keeping him away from the devastation would seem equally heartless. So they compromised. From the Washington Post:

The Puerto Rico that President Trump saw during his four-hour visit on Tuesday afternoon was that of Angel Pérez Otero, the mayor of Guaynabo, a wealthy San Juan suburb known for its amenity-driven gated communities that was largely spared when Hurricane Maria hit two weeks ago. [….] If the president had traveled a little deeper into the island, to the communities that sustained some of the heaviest damage, he would have witnessed a very different Puerto Rico. [….] More than 1,200 homes were flattened or suffered major damage [in the neighboring village]. At least one person at a shelter died of diabetes complications after not having access to medical care, and two people killed themselves.

[….] After the neighborhood tour in Guaynabo, Trump traveled to the nearby Calvary Chapel, an evangelical church that’s especially popular with conservatives and mainland Americans who have moved to Puerto Rico. [….] Trump continued into the church, where he was greeted by several dozen members and others who cheered his arrival. A few people in the crowd shouted that they loved him or held signs that read ‘Proud Americans,’ ‘Let’s Make Puerto Rico Great Again’ and ‘God Bless You, Mr. President.’ At least one person wore a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. [….] As he handed out some smaller flashlights, he declared: ‘Flashlights, you don’t need them anymore.’”

Trump’s handlers covered the Orange Don gently in bubble wrap to protect him from the big, bad world (or is it the other way around?). They made sure he bypassed the real aftermath of Hurricane Maria and led him gently into a propagandistic campaign rally instead. What’s more, it’s clear that Trump has no idea that’s what happened.

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So when Trump sees people criticizing him on his beloved morning news shows for proclaiming that he’s done a “great job” on Puerto Rico, he legitimately doesn’t understand why. In a painfully ironic twist, if he was confronted with the truth of his aides essentially lying to him to keep him from seeing the bigger picture, he wouldn’t be able to handle that either. The reason they lie to him in the first place is to keep him from doing all the stupid, impulsive shit he used to do when he was everyone’s favorite reality star/bankruptcy expert. Without smoke screens like the one deployed in Puerto Rico, Trump would’ve already withdrawn from NAFTA and fired Robert Mueller.

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So when you see Trump gleefully firing off 19 Tweefs in a single weekend while on a golfing vacation, bear in mind that Trump is doing that because he thinks he has successfully president-ed away all the world’s problems. Oh, that pesky North Korea thing? The one he ominously Tweefed about this past weekend?

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Don’t worry, America – he doesn’t really think he’s starting an actual war. That’s the consequence of having a Bubble Boy for a President. Trump has become so insulated from the real-life repercussions of his actions, he probably thinks “war” is just some sort of reality competition with Kim Jong-Un. Whoever gets better ratings during Sweeps is the “winner.” The fact that he even conceptualizes things like global thermonuclear war in terms of “winners” and “losers” tells you he doesn’t entirely understand the gravity of the situation.

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This is the kind of shit Sen. Corker is trying to warn us about. Because make no mistake: Trump is going to try and declare war on North Korea. The bigger question is whether anybody else in the GOP has the guts to try and stop him – and finally pull Trump out of his bubble.

Photo Credits: Reaction GIFs, The Odyssey Online, Tenor, Reddit, Pinterest, Tenor, Boing Boing, Cuddlebuggery, Tiger Droppings

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President Camacho Is The Soul Of Compassion: Puerto Rico Edition

There was a wee bit of a controversy this past weekend when the Orange Don decided to distract people from his piss-poor leadership skills get in a pissing contest with the NFL. Since Friday, when Trump decided to unload his purse at an Alabama rally for failed Alabama senatorial candidate Luther Strange, we here at GossiPol did the hard job:

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Ahem. We did the – difficult – job of tallying Trump’s Tweefs by subject matter. The total from Friday to Monday is as follows:

• Fake News: 2 Tweefs

• Alabama Senatorial Race: 3 Tweefs

• How Shitty the UN Is: 1 Tweef

• Attention-Stealing Hurricanes: 4 Tweefs

• Healthcare (a.k.a. dragging John McCain for wanting to insure sick people): 7 Tweefs

• The First Lady, Melanoma or Whatever: 1 Tweef

• Iran Maybe Getting Nuked: 1 Tweef

• Right After North Korea: 1 Tweef

• But Not Before THEY’RE FIRED – I mean, BANNED: 1 Tweef

• How Beautiful That Dump of a White House Is: 1 Tweef

• FUCK THOSE KNEELING, UPPITY BLACK PEOPLE IN THE NFL AND NBA: 19 Tweefs

That is not a typo, America. Four times (which is being generous, since three of those are consecutive Tweefs about Puerto Rico – more on that in a minute), our Orange Overlord multi-tasked and graciously turned his attention to the suffering of people devastated by three consecutive hurricanes while dropping a KFC deuce. Nineteen times, he decided to shank at professional athletes for being disrespectful to our anthem. How dare they! That’s his job, dammit!

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Four versus nineteen. Nineteen is more Tweefs than four. A LOT more.

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Don’t worry, though – he only Tweefed less about Hurricane Maria because of the care, attention, and detail he poured into those messages. Haha, LOL, just kidding, he’s still an asshole. Of course he’s the worst and of course his Twitter messages were the exact opposite of thoughtful and professional.

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When you look at Trump’s Tweefs, it’s almost like he’s jealous of the hurricane because it got to kill so many more Hispanics than he has. Maybe he’ll catch up before he’s impeached his term is up. Leave it to Trump, though, to find the most callous way to promise he’d deliver hurricane relief. Puerto Rico was poor and Hispanic before the hurricane got there. Don’t blame him if those dirty Mexicans can’t find a way to repay their debts! Why don’t they just declare bankruptcy like any self-respecting white con man businessman? Oh yeah…because for a long time, they were legally barred from doing so. Can you imagine how the Kumquat Despot would react if he was never allowed to declare bankruptcy?

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Yeah, we imagine it’d look something like that. Well, America, we can finally say, after nine months, we have a president who is qualified for the job. After all, if anybody knows bankruptcy, it’s Donald J. Trump.

Yesterday, President Camacho had a press conference that didn’t exactly assuage people’s fears about his bass ackwards priorities. From Mediaite:

“‘To me the NFL situation is a very important situation. I’ve heard that before about — was I preoccupied? — not at all,’ said Trump. ‘I have plenty of time on my hands. All I do is work, and to be honest with you, that’s an important function of working. It is called respect for our country.’”

We knew eventually that the Apricot Asshole would have a Freudian slip and accidentally admit that he has “plenty of time on his hands.” Donald, gurl:

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It’s obvious. Your Tweefing schedule is about as regular as your trips to your tacky-ass golf courses. I mean, we’re constantly on the Internets, but we’re just an asshole political dick-joke blog. What’s your excuse Mr. President?

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Right. That makes sense.

If, unlike our President, you actually want to help the more than 3 million victims in Puerto Rico, HERE’S a link to One America Appeal, a charity touted by all our living former presidents (any one of whom we’d take over the coked-up orangutan currently occupying the Oval Office). You can specify that the aid be donated to victims of Hurricane Maria.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Imgur, SBS.au, Giphy, Twitter, Giphy, Giphy, Laughing GIF

The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: The Hurricane Trump Edition

Poor, poor President Camacho. He’s under a lot of stress lately. First Daddy Kelly cut off the lifeblood of his paranoid Tweefs (Breitbart) and then a bunch of ratings-whore hurricanes required him to do actual work. And we all know how much the Orange Don hates working.

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A lot of you probably don’t know this, but in times of stress, the Kumquat Despot can be quite eloquent. With the weight of the world bearing down on him due to his complete and utter incompetence the lamestream media, not to mention the fact that his main homegirl and confidante Steve Bannon was unceremoniously dumped by Daddy Kelly, President Camacho needed an outlet for his anxiety. Who better to help him than his friend and erstwhile pen pal, Pickle?

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Because we are a premier political gossip blog, we got a copy of Trump’s second letter to his buddy, 9-year-old POTUS super-fan “Pickle.”

Hey Potato Chip,

How’s it hangin’? Mine are to the ground! Just so you know, I’m talking about deez nutz. You know what I’m talking about. Kids know life. I haven’t heard back since my last letter. Whatever. It probably got lost in the mail. I get shitloads of mail. That’s because I’m an important person. The MOST important person. Only important people get mail like I get mail. Make sure you send that quote to the failing New York Times so they understand how important I am. Sometimes they don’t get the memo. Not that I care. I’m too busy doing grown-up stuff like being President.

Speaking of being unpresidented, Melon Ball, I’m doing a lot of that lately. I don’t know how much Fox News you watch, but if you get your Chief of Staff to turn it on for you, they’ll tell you that I’m pretty much the greatest ever. For example, the hurricanes. There were these tremendous hurricanes that hit some of the loser poor states. At first I thought they were talking about the drink. They’re not booze though. They’re storms.

This one, Harvey, was a Category 5. No, Broccoli Tot, they’re not talking about a woman who looks super-basic – that means a whole fuckload of water gets dumped on beautiful structures. Everyone was super happy about it. Practically nobody died, and if they did they were probably too unsuccessful to care about. Maybe if they had better branding, like the Coast Guard, I would’ve noticed. Me and the Coast Guard saved a bunch of people’s lives. Here I am with two cats:

 

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Don’t look that up. It’s totally me. Believe me. Like I said, Zucchini Bread, the hurricanes were beautiful. When I went to Texas, a bunch of people threw me a campaign rally out of nowhere. That’s what happens when you’re a big shot like me.

Of course, there are a lot of haters and losers out there, Lemon Spritzer, especially on 9/11. You’d think people would show a little respect for me on that day, especially considering Trump Tower was the tallest after those loser Muslims knocked down the Twin Towers. They said I talked during a moment of silence for the 9/11 victims, but only an idiot would be distracted by…

Holy crap, Pumpkin Pie, did you see what ESPN said about me? Not ESPN, the black chick on ESPN, Jack-in-the-Box. She said I’m a “white supremacist,” whatever that is. It’s crazy how they let the Blacks have opinions now. My house elf Jeff Sessions told me he’d make a law against that, but so far, nothing! That guy is the worst. I should’ve fired him a long time ago, but he still hasn’t told me where his pot of gold is. I’m no idiot – he’s not leaving unless I get it.

Well, Roasted Garlic, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got LOTS of major Tweets to send, and this KFC deuce isn’t gonna drop itself. Daddy Kelly says I’m supposed to call Mexico and send my “condolences” (that’s a made-up word and he knows it) since they stole our thunder (just like they steal our jobs) and had a hurricane AND an earthquake. It can wait. What’s the worst that can happen – are they gonna pull millions of dollars in aid just because I’m an asshole? I’d like to see that happen! Smell ya later, Corn Flakes!

Your Pal, Donnie

P.S. OK, I’m not panicking or anything, but turns out Mexico is pulling that funding. Shit. What am I gonna do? I know! I’ll just say I tried to call the Mexico’s cell phone, but they were all out of minutes. That should work!

P.P.S. You can write back anytime. You can even mow my lawn. I’ve kicked all the Mexicans out, so I’ve only got little white kids to do it for me. You ARE white, right? I’d hate to deport you like all those Dreamers.

 

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tenor, The Washington Post, Snopes

Breaking News: President Camacho STILL Hates Immigrants

When we say “Breaking News,” we mean it entirely in the CNN sense of the word, as in not breaking, not new, and not at all surprising. On Tuesday, the Orange Don sent his house elf Attorney General out to break the bad news that he was rescinding DACA. The Obama-era immigration policy allowed undocumented immigrants who entered the US as minor children to get work permits. People with serious criminal records or who did not graduate from high school were not eligible for the program. Of course, we can’t have that shit. Not on Donald J. Trump’s watch! From PBS Newshour:

“The Trump administration announced Tuesday it would scale back [DACA]. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in the announcement that Congress will have time — six months — to draft legislation that would protect these immigrants known as ‘dreamers’ before permits begin to expire March 5, 2018. [….] ‘If we were to keep the Obama Administration’s executive amnesty policy, the likeliest outcome is that it would be enjoined [….]. The Department of Justice has advised the President and the Department of Homeland Security that DHS should begin an orderly, lawful wind down, including the cancellation of the memo that authorized this program.’”

 

We’re sure Sessions moved the podium a few inches when he made this announcement. Oppressing minorities just gets Ms. Sessions so hot and bothered.

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We can’t even say that this was Trump fulfilling a campaign promise, since he’s said both that he wanted to end DACA and that Dreamers didn’t have anything to worry about because he has a “big heart.” To be fair to Trump, though, he’s clearly not very good at estimating size, so he wasn’t intending to lie when he said he had a big heart.

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If only the Apricot Asshole admired people the way he admires golf and gold-plated toilets, the world would be a better place. But because the orange-tinted man-baby that currently occupies the White House is nothing if not stalwart in his political views, he’s Tweefed out a series of cohesive messages affirming his position on DACA. We’re just fucking with you, OF COURSE he’s all over the map. After all, it’s hard choosing between sucking off his white-hooded political base and being a loved and respected world leader. First, he re-Tweeted a message from a Russian bot his Twitter fan group “The Trump Train” that read:

“We are a nation of laws. No longer will we incentivize illegal immigration.”

You hear that, immigrants? FUCK YOU! Country’s full! No vacancy! Except, hold on, the President is Tweefing again.

“Congress now has 6 months to legalize DACA (something the Obama Administration was unable to do). If they can’t, I will revisit this issue!”

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What are you going to do, big man? ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT YOU JUST GOT YOUR MIDGET ATTORNEY GENERAL TO TELL US WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL? THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO! Alright, sorry America – we’re yelling again. We just still can’t believe that the Kumquat Despot hasn’t gotten around to watching that Schoolhouse Rock separation of powers episode.

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Why bother when you can learn everything there is to know about racism immigration from your ex-girlfriend, Steve Bannon? We’ll get to his sorry ass later when his 60 Minutes episode airs this weekend, but we’re already anticipating great things from this teaser quote, which truly sums up this administration’s viewpoint on DACA:

“Former White House chief strategist Steven Bannon said the Catholic Church’s support of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, is economically driven and owes to the church’s struggle to fill pews. ‘To come to grips with the problems in the church, they need illegal aliens. They need illegal aliens to fill the churches. It’s obvious on the face of it,’ Bannon said.”

Trump, gurl, quit drunk-dialing your ex! It’s not good for you – or the country.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, GIF Images Download, Giphy, Dlisted, Make a GIF, Good Reads

Nothing Like A Good, Old-Fashioned Natural Disaster To Help You With A News Dump

And no, we’re not talking about the Orange Don’s daily (judging by his Twitter feed) KFC dumps. Rather, we’re talking about all of the news about the Trump Administration that would make 75% of the country cringe in horror. You see, when most people hear that something awful like a Category 4 hurricane is about to make a direct hit on Texas, they feel #Sad! President Donald J. Trump, however, is not most people. The Kumquat Despot felt happy, and maybe a little turned on? We’ll let his Tweefs do the talking.

“Wonderful coordination between Federal, State and Local Governments in the Great State of Texas – TEAMWORK! Record setting rainfall.”

“Many people are now saying that this is the worst storm/hurricane they have ever seen. Good news is that we have great talent on the ground.”

“Wow – Now experts are calling a once in 500 year flood! We have an all out effort going, and going well!”

“Going to a Cabinet Meeting (tele-conference) at 11:00 A.M. on . Even experts have said they’ve never seen one like this!”

The way he erotically describes the size and scope of Hurricane Harvey is just a teeny bit off-putting. Trump talks about this storm like he birthed it from his quivering, orange loins. “Check this, America! I made this storm! No storm has flooded more homes, killed more people, or displaced more minorities than mine!”

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We suspect his attitude of “not un-proud” ownership will change as soon as people realize he was even more unprepared than George W. Bush was for Katrina. How unprepared, you ask? Well, FEMA’s parent agency, the Department of Homeland Security, hasn’t had a permanent director for almost a month now. The Orange Don took Daddy Kelly from DHS so he could torment him replace his shitcanned chief of staff, Rinse Pubis, and still hasn’t replaced him. He only appointed the FEMA director in June, almost six months after he took office.

We don’t blame him, though. Can’t have pesky things like running the country interfere with important work like golfing and Tweefing, can we?

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Harvey provided Trump with more than just pride, though. The loss of a few million Texans is our Orange Overlord’s gain. There were a couple of, shall we say, unpopular news items that the Orange Don decided to release the same day Harvey made landfall.

First up, Trump finally followed through on his promise to reinstate the ban on transgender people serving in the military. The directive also prohibited the US military from funding transition surgery for trans individuals currently serving. He left the question of whether transgender people could continue serving up to his generals (hint: they’ve already studied the issue, and they’re fine with it). This order is unpopular, but don’t take our word for it. Even his Interior Secretary’s daughter couldn’t resist the chance to burn the coked-up orangutan over his bullshit directive. From the Missoulian:

“The daughter of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, like her father a Navy veteran, appears, in the rawest of terms, to have excoriated President Donald Trump in a social media post after the announcement that transgender soldiers would be banned from the military.

‘This man is a disgrace. I’ve tried to keep politics out of my social media feed as much as possible, but this is inexcusable. [….] This veteran says sit down and shut the fuck up, you know-nothing, never-served piece of shit.’ She also used a hashtag, #itmfa, that is an acronym for ‘impeach the motherfucker already.’”

 

We have only one thing to say to the beautiful, no-fucks-given daughter of Ryan Zinke:

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Next, the Orange Don decided to give some love to ex-Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe is the Himmler to Trump’s Hitler. He’s the guy who fondly referred to the “tent city” he’d constructed for prison inmates as a “concentration camp.” Of course he immediately denied it like the pussy he is, despite the fact that he was caught saying this on fucking video.

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Sheriff Joe has done so many shitty things, we don’t have time to name them all here. A few of our favorites, though, are:

The time he framed an 18-year-old for a phony bomb plot.

The time he allowed Steven Seagal to drive a fucking tank through a guy’s house to serve a misdemeanor cockfighting warrant. Self-described “animal lover” Seagal then helped deputies euthanize over 100 roosters on the spot.

The time he arrested two reporters for the Phoenix New Times the same day they published an unflattering article about this paragon of justice.

After $142 million in lawyer’s fees and settlements and a federal contempt conviction for failing to stop racially profiling people, naturally the Orange Don felt a twinge of sympathy for his soul sister in corruption and pardoned one of the most racist, corrupt men in America. Look on the bright side, though, America! Consider this practice for when Trump has to pardon himself. Finally, something the President will be prepared for.

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