The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: The Hurricane Trump Edition

Poor, poor President Camacho. He’s under a lot of stress lately. First Daddy Kelly cut off the lifeblood of his paranoid Tweefs (Breitbart) and then a bunch of ratings-whore hurricanes required him to do actual work. And we all know how much the Orange Don hates working.

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A lot of you probably don’t know this, but in times of stress, the Kumquat Despot can be quite eloquent. With the weight of the world bearing down on him due to his complete and utter incompetence the lamestream media, not to mention the fact that his main homegirl and confidante Steve Bannon was unceremoniously dumped by Daddy Kelly, President Camacho needed an outlet for his anxiety. Who better to help him than his friend and erstwhile pen pal, Pickle?

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Because we are a premier political gossip blog, we got a copy of Trump’s second letter to his buddy, 9-year-old POTUS super-fan “Pickle.”

Hey Potato Chip,

How’s it hangin’? Mine are to the ground! Just so you know, I’m talking about deez nutz. You know what I’m talking about. Kids know life. I haven’t heard back since my last letter. Whatever. It probably got lost in the mail. I get shitloads of mail. That’s because I’m an important person. The MOST important person. Only important people get mail like I get mail. Make sure you send that quote to the failing New York Times so they understand how important I am. Sometimes they don’t get the memo. Not that I care. I’m too busy doing grown-up stuff like being President.

Speaking of being unpresidented, Melon Ball, I’m doing a lot of that lately. I don’t know how much Fox News you watch, but if you get your Chief of Staff to turn it on for you, they’ll tell you that I’m pretty much the greatest ever. For example, the hurricanes. There were these tremendous hurricanes that hit some of the loser poor states. At first I thought they were talking about the drink. They’re not booze though. They’re storms.

This one, Harvey, was a Category 5. No, Broccoli Tot, they’re not talking about a woman who looks super-basic – that means a whole fuckload of water gets dumped on beautiful structures. Everyone was super happy about it. Practically nobody died, and if they did they were probably too unsuccessful to care about. Maybe if they had better branding, like the Coast Guard, I would’ve noticed. Me and the Coast Guard saved a bunch of people’s lives. Here I am with two cats:

 

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Don’t look that up. It’s totally me. Believe me. Like I said, Zucchini Bread, the hurricanes were beautiful. When I went to Texas, a bunch of people threw me a campaign rally out of nowhere. That’s what happens when you’re a big shot like me.

Of course, there are a lot of haters and losers out there, Lemon Spritzer, especially on 9/11. You’d think people would show a little respect for me on that day, especially considering Trump Tower was the tallest after those loser Muslims knocked down the Twin Towers. They said I talked during a moment of silence for the 9/11 victims, but only an idiot would be distracted by…

Holy crap, Pumpkin Pie, did you see what ESPN said about me? Not ESPN, the black chick on ESPN, Jack-in-the-Box. She said I’m a “white supremacist,” whatever that is. It’s crazy how they let the Blacks have opinions now. My house elf Jeff Sessions told me he’d make a law against that, but so far, nothing! That guy is the worst. I should’ve fired him a long time ago, but he still hasn’t told me where his pot of gold is. I’m no idiot – he’s not leaving unless I get it.

Well, Roasted Garlic, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got LOTS of major Tweets to send, and this KFC deuce isn’t gonna drop itself. Daddy Kelly says I’m supposed to call Mexico and send my “condolences” (that’s a made-up word and he knows it) since they stole our thunder (just like they steal our jobs) and had a hurricane AND an earthquake. It can wait. What’s the worst that can happen – are they gonna pull millions of dollars in aid just because I’m an asshole? I’d like to see that happen! Smell ya later, Corn Flakes!

Your Pal, Donnie

P.S. OK, I’m not panicking or anything, but turns out Mexico is pulling that funding. Shit. What am I gonna do? I know! I’ll just say I tried to call the Mexico’s cell phone, but they were all out of minutes. That should work!

P.P.S. You can write back anytime. You can even mow my lawn. I’ve kicked all the Mexicans out, so I’ve only got little white kids to do it for me. You ARE white, right? I’d hate to deport you like all those Dreamers.

 

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tenor, The Washington Post, Snopes

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Teen Heartthrob Steve Bannon Removes White Hood And Cloak For 60 Minutes Interview

It feels like only yesterday that Daddy Kelly imposed major restrictions on the Orange Don. Even though those restrictions are totally chafing his Cheeto-pimpled ass, President Donald J. Trump is way too lazy to do anything about it. That means he doesn’t get to enjoy former pasttimes like reading Breitbart on the shitter.

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More importantly, Daddy Kelly forced the Orange Don to break up with his toxic ex, Steve Bannon. Now that Bannon is no longer lurking around the White House to whisper sweet dog whistles nothings into President Camacho’s ear, he decided to get his ex-girlfriend’s attention the only way he knew how: by doing a televised interview. You can see the full interview and transcript here. We highly recommend you watch the full video, because there is nothing that compares to seeing STEAMING HOT SLICE OF MAN Steve Bannon wearing TWO button-up shirts with the top two buttons undone for RAW SEX APPEAL.

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Don’t you chicks say Bannon never gave you anything (besides Hep C).

Because ladies like to look their best, Ms. Bannon also decided to shellack a metric ton of foundation all over his face to cover up some – how do we put this delicately – imperfections caused by his ALLEGED alcohol abuse. This led Ann Coulter to feign outrage over how awful 60 Minutes’ editors made him look. We have to say we agree with Ann on this one. How could you possibly make this Casanova look bad!

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We don’t know how those liberal thugs at 60 Minutes sleep at night. Now this may shock you, America, but the head of Breitbart said some super crazy and racist shit. We don’t have time to recap it all, but here are some of the highlights.

We already covered how avowed Catholic Bannon shaded his own church by saying they “needed illegal aliens to fill” their pews. That was just the tip of the xenophobic iceberg.

Charlie Rose: We’re all immigrants. Except the Native Americans –

Bannon: Don’t – don’t give me – this is the thing of the leftists. Charlie, that’s beneath you. America’s built on our citizens. Look at the 19th century. What built America’s called the American system, from Hamilton to Polk to Henry Clay to Lincoln to the Roosevelts. A system of protection of our manufacturing, financial system that lends to manufacturers, OK? And the control of our borders. Economic nationalism is what this country was built on.

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You got that guys? America is for Americans only! This is a system built on her citizens! Citizens like Alexander Hamilton, who technically wasn’t born in America, but whatever. We suppose since he became a Founding Father and isn’t brown-skinned, he gets a pass from Dreamboat Bannon on being a – what do you call it? Oh yeah – an IMMIGRANT. You know, those people who weren’t born in this country but migrate here to adopt its principles, pay its taxes, and build its infrastructure? We won’t even touch the fact that 19th century America was created through slave labor, because we’re sure Bannon would find that to be beneath us.

If you were wondering, America, where Trump got the genius idea to equivocate neo-Nazis with counter-protestors in Charlottesville, look no further than the Jabba the Hutt of carcinogens.

“I was the only guy that came out and tried to defend [Trump]. I was the only guy that said, ‘He’s talking about something, taking it up to a higher level.’ Where does it all go? Where does this end? Does it end in taking down the Washington Monument? [….] What he was trying to say is that people that support the [Confederate] monument staying there peacefully and people that oppose that, that’s the normal course of the First Amendment.”

You guys, we found a picture of “the normal course of the First Amendment” that took place in Charlottesville.

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Here’s another one:

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This is the same bullshit argument that Brian Kilmeade and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke used on Fox and Friends when they compared Confederate memorials to the 9/11 Memorial.

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The analogy doesn’t work because we’re not honoring the cause of people who attacked the United States with things like the Washington Monument and the 9/11 Memorial. Unless these assholes want to erect monuments to King George III and Osama Bin Laden, they should probably stop before they fall right off their self-righteous slippery slope argument and hurt themselves

Don’t say our boy Bannon is a racist, though. Just because he’s a Charlottesville apologist doesn’t mean he’s racist. He’s even been in the same room with minorities on multiple occasions and lived to tell the tale!

“I was raised in a desegregated neighborhood. The north side of Richmond is predominantly black, OK? I went to an integrated school, a Catholic school. I served in the military. I don’t need to be lectured by a bunch of limousine liberals, OK, from the Upper East Side of New York and from the Hamptons, OK, about any of this. My lived experience is that.”

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Hear that, “limousine liberals?” Don’t come at private-school attending, multi-millionaire Harvard grad Stephen K. Bannon, aight? The guy who made a second-generation multi-billionaire president doesn’t need you looking down your noses at him. Just because he hates Mexicans and Black people and Muslims and women. Oh yeah, how could we forget his misogyny?

“[The Access Hollywood tape] is just locker room talk. [….]When you side with a man, you side with him, OK? The good and the bad. You can criticize him behind, but when you side with him, you have to side with him. And that’s what Billy Bush weekend showed me.”

Damn, Bannon is one loyal boyfriend.

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Trump could probably grab his wife and daughter by the pussy right in front of his necrotic face and Bannon wouldn’t say shit to him. Because once Bannon sided with Trump, that was it. No independent thought required after that. Of course, Bannon still rips Trump a new asshole via Breitbart every time his Orange Overlord even thinks about pussing out on building a border wall. But that’s important, not some trivial sexual assault. It’s hard to care about stupid shit like women’s rights when you’ve got two paragons of masculinity running the country.

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Photo Credits: Radio New Zealand, Giphy, Business Insider, Snopes, BuzzFeed, NY Times, geekXpop, Media Matters, Cosmopolitan, Giphy, Giphy

Breaking News: President Camacho STILL Hates Immigrants

When we say “Breaking News,” we mean it entirely in the CNN sense of the word, as in not breaking, not new, and not at all surprising. On Tuesday, the Orange Don sent his house elf Attorney General out to break the bad news that he was rescinding DACA. The Obama-era immigration policy allowed undocumented immigrants who entered the US as minor children to get work permits. People with serious criminal records or who did not graduate from high school were not eligible for the program. Of course, we can’t have that shit. Not on Donald J. Trump’s watch! From PBS Newshour:

“The Trump administration announced Tuesday it would scale back [DACA]. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in the announcement that Congress will have time — six months — to draft legislation that would protect these immigrants known as ‘dreamers’ before permits begin to expire March 5, 2018. [….] ‘If we were to keep the Obama Administration’s executive amnesty policy, the likeliest outcome is that it would be enjoined [….]. The Department of Justice has advised the President and the Department of Homeland Security that DHS should begin an orderly, lawful wind down, including the cancellation of the memo that authorized this program.’”

 

We’re sure Sessions moved the podium a few inches when he made this announcement. Oppressing minorities just gets Ms. Sessions so hot and bothered.

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We can’t even say that this was Trump fulfilling a campaign promise, since he’s said both that he wanted to end DACA and that Dreamers didn’t have anything to worry about because he has a “big heart.” To be fair to Trump, though, he’s clearly not very good at estimating size, so he wasn’t intending to lie when he said he had a big heart.

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If only the Apricot Asshole admired people the way he admires golf and gold-plated toilets, the world would be a better place. But because the orange-tinted man-baby that currently occupies the White House is nothing if not stalwart in his political views, he’s Tweefed out a series of cohesive messages affirming his position on DACA. We’re just fucking with you, OF COURSE he’s all over the map. After all, it’s hard choosing between sucking off his white-hooded political base and being a loved and respected world leader. First, he re-Tweeted a message from a Russian bot his Twitter fan group “The Trump Train” that read:

“We are a nation of laws. No longer will we incentivize illegal immigration.”

You hear that, immigrants? FUCK YOU! Country’s full! No vacancy! Except, hold on, the President is Tweefing again.

“Congress now has 6 months to legalize DACA (something the Obama Administration was unable to do). If they can’t, I will revisit this issue!”

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What are you going to do, big man? ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT YOU JUST GOT YOUR MIDGET ATTORNEY GENERAL TO TELL US WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL? THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO! Alright, sorry America – we’re yelling again. We just still can’t believe that the Kumquat Despot hasn’t gotten around to watching that Schoolhouse Rock separation of powers episode.

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Why bother when you can learn everything there is to know about racism immigration from your ex-girlfriend, Steve Bannon? We’ll get to his sorry ass later when his 60 Minutes episode airs this weekend, but we’re already anticipating great things from this teaser quote, which truly sums up this administration’s viewpoint on DACA:

“Former White House chief strategist Steven Bannon said the Catholic Church’s support of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, is economically driven and owes to the church’s struggle to fill pews. ‘To come to grips with the problems in the church, they need illegal aliens. They need illegal aliens to fill the churches. It’s obvious on the face of it,’ Bannon said.”

Trump, gurl, quit drunk-dialing your ex! It’s not good for you – or the country.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, GIF Images Download, Giphy, Dlisted, Make a GIF, Good Reads

Trump and Nazis Sittin’ In a Tree…

Acting in complicity! You know the words, America! So yeah, shit got real over the last few days, didn’t it? The Orange Don, tired of the subtlety of dog whistles and coded racism, went all-in and straight-up defended white supremacists. It’s kind of a refreshing return to his roots, since a recently-unearthed 1990 interview with Vanity Fair shows that all the jokes about this Cheeto-encrusted sack of shit keeping a copy of Mein Kampf in his bedside table wasn’t too far off the mark.

“Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s collected speeches, ‘My New Order,’ which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed.

‘Did your cousin John give you the Hitler speeches?’ I asked Trump.

[….] ‘Actually, it was my friend Marty Davis from Paramount who gave me a copy of Mein Kampf, and he’s a Jew.’ (‘I did give him a book about Hitler,’ Marty Davis said. ‘But it was My New Order, Hitler’s speeches, not Mein Kampf. I thought he would find it interesting. I am his friend, but I’m not Jewish.’)

Later, Trump returned to this subject. ‘If I had these speeches, and I am not saying that I do, I would never read them.’”

 

Considering that his dad was ALLEGEDLY arrested for rioting with the KKK, we’d say maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the white supremacist tree.

As we’ve all heard by now, there were two white supremacist rallies in Charlottesville, Virginia this weekend. The second one took a tragic turn when Heather Heyer, a counter-protestor, was mowed down by a Nazi in his car. I call him a Nazi because here he is with his fuckhead Nazi buddies (center):

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The ostensible purpose of these “Unite the Right” rallies was to protest the removal of a statue of Confederate general Robert E. Lee. Strangely, though, the way these assholes chose to protest said removal of said statue was to shout slogans, hold up signs, and give speeches that had absolutely no mention of Robert E. Lee or his memorial. Here’s what some of these idiots, who were chanting “blood and soil” (a charming throwback to Nazi Germany) looked like:

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If you were a normal person who wanted to protest the removal of a statue, and you saw these fuckwit fascists when you arrived at the demonstration, you turned right back around and got as far away as possible. If you were a white supremacist, you stayed. Call it woman’s intuition. There’s just something about a swastika that sends nice, decent folk running in the other direction.

Unless, of course, you’re the Kumquat Despot. After Steve Bannon likely whispered sweet nothings in his ear, he decided that lots of super cool, nice people were on the white supremacist side. And because he has absolutely no self-control, he decided to let the entire fucking world know that. Right before the signing of an executive order, the Orange Don let his freak flag fly on the Charlottesville crisis. From ABC News:

“‘We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides,’ Trump said Saturday from his golf resort in Bedminster, New Jersey. Looking directly at the camera, he repeated, ‘On many sides.’”

He then promptly left the stage before signing the executive order, and not for the first time, either.

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The very next day, Trump walked it back. But you just can’t keep a good racist down, because the very next day, he let us all know that scripted statement condemning racism was #FakeNews. At a presser in Trump Tower, the Orange Don went off script again in the most fucktastic display we’ve ever seen. From CNBC:

“You have some very bad people in that group, but you also had people that were very fine people on both sides. [….] You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking down of, to them, a very, very important statue and the renaming of a park from Robert E. Lee to another name. [….] So, you know what? It’s fine. You’re changing history. You’re changing culture and you had people, and I’m not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists because they should be condemned, totally. But you had many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and white nationalists, OK? And the press has treated them absolutely unfairly.”

Yup, some fine people. Like Richard Spencer, Baked Alaska, and this super-cool racist named Jason Kessler, who spoke at the event.

“No. No. There were people in that rally — and I looked the night before. If you look, there were people protesting very quietly the taking down of the statue of Robert E. Lee. I’m sure in that group there were some bad ones.”

Let’s look at the night before!

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Aw, polo-wearing bros who shop at Pier One couldn’t possibly be bad! Wait, what? They were chanting “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us”? Never mind, fuck them.

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For anyone who does not think what Donald Trump said yesterday was a clarion call to white supremacists (and unfortunately, there are quite a few people who fall into this camp), think back to the days of the Civil Rights Movement. These are the exact same kinds of arguments used by segregationists to decry civil rights activists. Were there people in the Civil Rights Movement who were violent? Of course! You don’t suffer under institutionalized racism your entire life without getting just a little pissed off. But make no mistake, America – the only reason to bring up the “both sides” argument is to equivocate white nationalists with those who fight for equality. We’ve seen it before – let’s not let history repeat itself.

Photo Credits: Huffington Post, NY Daily News, Los Angeles Daily News, Jewish Telegraphic Agency, The Independent, ABC News, Giphy, Outside the Beltway, The Gem Diva, Giphy

The Curious Case of Jeff Sessions’ Charlottesville Interviews

It’s gonna be a long day, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III. Despite the stress, it calmed the Attorney General’s nerves to refer to himself in the third person. His name had a lot of history behind it. A callback to the halcyon days of the Confederacy and its storied leader, Jefferson Davis. That history grounded him in righteousness, and prepared him for times like these. For Jeff Sessions, Confederate soldier American patriot, was going into the lion’s den: the Today show.

Those liberal media vipers were not gonna go easy on him. His boss had already made them mad by giving up the game: he’d refused to condemn the unseemly display of white nationalism that happened in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend.

Of course, the President was right to condemn violence “on all sides,” Jefferson thought. People on both sides – the white nationalists and the anti-fascist protestors – were assaulting each other. It was most vulgar. Especially that unfortunate business with the car. Why couldn’t those so-called “anti-racists” simply sit on their front porch and sip on a sweet tea? Back in my day, we would never have made such a spectacle of ourselves. Jefferson smiled serenely to himself. No siree – back in my day, we never gave anyone cause to suspect that we were trying to root out the scourge of people of color. We were always so careful.

Granted, there were times, Jefferson had to admit, that he was not so careful. That time he said to a colleague in the US Attorney’s Office that he liked the KKK – until he found out they smoked weed. Jefferson chuckled softly to himself. Even though he was foolish to have admitted such in public, that fine jest still made him laugh after all these years. That little kerfuffle was a stumbling block to all the great civil rights work he’d accomplished. He’d gotten so close to convicting Black voting rights activists when he was an assistant AG in Alabama, despite evidence that they were innocent of any wrongdoing. He’d fought bravely against discriminatory legislation like the Violence Against Women Act and hate crime laws while he was a US Senator.

Now that he was THE AG, he could finally fight against the racist policies that were keeping white Americans from getting jobs as crooked cops, or gaining admission into universities. But that position was getting more tenuous by the minute. The president, though he was a great, powerful white man, had his flaws. He was terribly impatient. Things like eliminating so-called “gay rights” and banning Muslims take time. That frustration is just further compounded by all these pesky women getting in the way.

He said the word as a curse. Women. If only men could be born as women, the world could be right again. If a man were born as a woman, she’d know her place – in service to men. Women could be so emotional sometimes. Like that she-devil Coretta Scott-King. Or Sen. Kamala Harris. Or Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Those women – if you could even call them that, for such shrieking banshees were not deserving of the moniker – did everything they could to thwart our plans for making America great again. Their articulateness, their determination, their seeming lack of regard for the opinions of men – they just made Jefferson so nervous.

Best not to think of that, then. It was time for the interview. Jefferson had carefully chosen what he was going to say. It was important to make them think he was condemning the white nationalists.

Oh lord in heaven – a woman and a negro interviewing me? Jefferson took a deep breath. Calm yourself, Jefferson. They’re just trying to rattle you, is all. Say what you practiced, and it’ll all be over soon.

“…the ideology of hatred, violence, bigotry, racism, white supremacy – those things must be condemned in this country, they’re totally unacceptable,” he heard himself say.

Of course, the woman had to bring up the “on many sides” statement. No matter.

“I thought it was a good statement. The next day they explicitly called out the Nazis…”

The black man interrupts. This would never happen in the good old days. Jefferson hated when people interrupted him, especially black people. So long as he didn’t slip and call him “boy,” he’d be alright though.

“The president is appalled by this…”

Again the black boy interrupts! And he has the nerve to bring up white supremacists celebrating the president’s statement.

“They are simply attempting to legitimate themselves in any way possible. This kind of hatred just isn’t part of our heritage.”

There we go. That’ll quiet those squawking birds. Jefferson could never for the life of him understand why the country had gone so downhill as to allow a woman AND a colored address a dignitary like himself in such a manner.

The interview was over almost as soon as it began. Yet despite Jefferson’s best efforts, something troubled him. They didn’t seem like they were buying it. But he’d practiced so well! All of the platitudes had gone off without a hitch. Why did those so-called “reporters” look at him in that way?

And it was then he realized, with a start of horror…

He’d left his white hood on for the entire interview. Again.

Photo Credits: Giphy