Finally, America! The Republican National Convention made the complete transition from political rally to WWE match. We knew it had to happen eventually when President Camacho’s orange counterpart came into the room on the first night like this:
So let’s get to it, shall we? Kicking things off was Florida governor Rick Scott. I’m not saying he’s Voldemort in disguise, but…
What is Voldemort doing at the RNC you ask? Unknown as of press time, but our working theory is that Trump’s weave is a horcrux, and he needs to keep it close since Harry Potter destroyed the other seven. Anyway, Gov. Scott pumped up his fellow Death Eaters by promising the Orange Don would “fire” all the politicians, just like he does to Z-list celebrities on The Apprentice. OK, so, did Voldemort quit his job as governor and not tell the state of Florida? What is it with Republicans and this particular brand of hypocritical pandering? They’ve got Ivy League-educated lawyers complaining about DC elitism, the governor of one of the largest states in America bitching about career politicians, and yet another governor lamenting the “clumsy hands of government.” Hey, guys who are part of the government – guess what?
I could talk all day about the shit that went down the rest of the day. Like how Astronaut Eileen Collins got cold feet about endorsing a sociopathic orangutan because she’s smart like that. Or how a Black female Trump employee by the name of Lynne Patton actually acknowledged that Black lives “have mattered less [in America]” to dead fucking silence. And “small business owner” Michelle Van Patten, who – I don’t even know what the fuck this was supposed to be, but her teleprompter freezing was probably the best thing to happen to that rambling-ass speech of hers.
GossiPol is kind of being a cock tease here, because we know all anybody wants to talk about is Ted Cruz actually putting his douchebaggery to good use by trolling Trump and his supporters. Basically what went down was, Ted Cruz did not endorse Donald Trump. He told the convention-goers to “vote your conscience.”
We want to applaud Ted Cruz for this ultimate dick move, but we also say, fuck him so hard. He had the chance to do something truly great, for once. He could’ve blown that shit wide open and said to Donald Trump’s face, “No one should vote for you. You called my wife wife ugly, you used the National Enquirer as a surrogate to smear me, and you called me Lyin’ Ted. OK, that last one is fair game, but the other stuff is not cool!” Instead, he kind of hedged his bets with this “vote your conscience” bullshit. They already did, asshole – that’s why you’re not the nominee.
After a few minutes of Ted Cruz filibustering the Convention by polishing off talking points for his next failed presidential run, the New York delegation smelled what he was stepping in and started booing his sorry ass.
These people don’t seem to realize that Ted Cruz gets off on people despising him. Instead of beating a hasty retreat, Ted stuck around long enough for the crowd to threaten his wife and father, who were in the audience. Why that idiot even allowed his family to sit there in the first place knowing he was about to piss off the entire room is beyond me. Ted Cruz is nothing if not a family man, though.
Finally, the Orange Don himself decided to come out and subtly hint that he was going to rush the stage and hit him with a folding chair, WWE style. Only then did Ted Cruz decide that he’d given the audience more than enough of his melting face and GTFO.
This morning, Trump tried to do damage control by pretending that he was super cool with Ted Cruz leaving an upper decker in the Convention bathroom, saying he already knew what the contents of the speech were going to be. Ted Cruz, meanwhile, safely ensconced in a room with supporters from his home state, said what he should’ve had the gonads to say onstage last night : “I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and father.”
Back to last night: Trump’s running mate, Gov. Mike Pence, had the unenviable task of mopping up the piss Ted Cruz left all over the Convention stage. And it went really well! It started off with a bang, and a lot of sexual tension.
The speech itself was perfectly serviceable; a little too normal for this crowd. I kept waiting for Pence to give a Hillary Clinton blowup doll the People’s Elbow, but it never happened. Something we noticed about Pence for you guys to keep on your radar: he is totally George W. Bush’s soul sister. His speaking style is a combination of two things. First, he looks like he’s holding back a burp while he’s talking. During pauses, he does the patented W move of looking far into the distance while smiling and nodding his head so people think he’s contemplating some real deep shit, when in reality he wants nothing more than to get turnt at his local Sizzler.
Which is to say, we can’t wait for the VP debates!
Photo Credits: Giphy, Vox, Reddit, Hero Wikia, Phish.net, Gawker, RT, Giphy