Defending Ted Cruz’s Twitter Porno “Like”

Yesterday, the nation experienced the unthinkable: a terror attack that came from a Hispanic immigrant inside our very own borders. Our Orange Overlord warned us this would happen.

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This immigrant found his way into our country from Canada, where his Communist forbear was living at the time. He came to the United States, exploiting our permissive immigration laws that allow American citizens to move here without even having to so much as undergo a background check. He bided his time and used taxpayer dollars to go to our finest universities, likely usurping the rightful place of a natural-born, WASP American citizen. The whole time, he masked his true identity – Rafael Cruz – and posed as the unassuming Zodiac Killer.

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Under this assumed identity, he made his way to Congress. After he lost the 2016 Republican Primary to a sociopathic orangutan, Cruz saw his opportunity to lay bare America’s crumbling counterterrorism infrastructure and commit one of the most unholy, reprehensible acts: he liked a pornographic video on Twitter, thus forcing a vulnerable nation to picture his melting face contorted in ecstasy while he furiously faps to a three-way.

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Of course, Ted Cruz made a convenient excuse and said one of his “staffers” liked the video posted by @SexuallPosts. And you know what, America? We believe him. Besides the fact that we know Ted Cruz would only like a porno if it involved a copious and filthy application of Campbell’s soup, we just know in our gut this has to be true. After all, having a huge, throbbing staff problem is nothing to toy with.

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Letting another man jerk you around by getting off on your lap(top) sounds like fun, but there is a crisis point where it gets old really quick.

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Once something like this becomes public, you find yourself in a sticky situation.

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More and more people dogpile on you. Soon, what started out as a simple one-on-one issue becomes a free-for-all where everybody gets their licks in.

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It’s funny to watch, but when a turgid, engorged staff problem explodes all over your face, it’s not so humorous. There’s a huge mess for you to clean up at the end. And all the tissue paper in the world won’t help Ted Cruz clean it up.

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OK, just one more! Ted Cruz is not dicking around with his staff, anymore. No more Twitter for them!

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Photo Credits: Reddit, Giphy, Tumblr, Imgur, Make A GIF, Giphy, Tenor, Giphy, Tenor, Reddit

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Republican National Convention: Day Three

Finally, America! The Republican National Convention made the complete transition from political rally to WWE match. We knew it had to happen eventually when President Camacho’s orange counterpart came into the room on the first night like this:

So let’s get to it, shall we? Kicking things off was Florida governor Rick Scott. I’m not saying he’s Voldemort in disguise, but…

What is Voldemort doing at the RNC you ask? Unknown as of press time, but our working theory is that Trump’s weave is a horcrux, and he needs to keep it close since Harry Potter destroyed the other seven. Anyway, Gov. Scott pumped up his fellow Death Eaters by promising the Orange Don would “fire” all the politicians, just like he does to Z-list celebrities on The Apprentice. OK, so, did Voldemort quit his job as governor and not tell the state of Florida? What is it with Republicans and this particular brand of hypocritical pandering? They’ve got Ivy League-educated lawyers complaining about DC elitism, the governor of one of the largest states in America bitching about career politicians, and yet another governor lamenting the “clumsy hands of government.” Hey, guys who are part of the government – guess what?

I could talk all day about the shit that went down the rest of the day. Like how Astronaut Eileen Collins got cold feet about endorsing a sociopathic orangutan because she’s smart like that. Or how a Black female Trump employee by the name of Lynne Patton actually acknowledged that Black lives “have mattered less [in America]” to dead fucking silence. And “small business owner” Michelle Van Patten, who – I don’t even know what the fuck this was supposed to be, but her teleprompter freezing was probably the best thing to happen to that rambling-ass speech of hers.

GossiPol is kind of being a cock tease here, because we know all anybody wants to talk about is Ted Cruz actually putting his douchebaggery to good use by trolling Trump and his supporters. Basically what went down was, Ted Cruz did not endorse Donald Trump. He told the convention-goers to “vote your conscience.”

We want to applaud Ted Cruz for this ultimate dick move, but we also say, fuck him so hard. He had the chance to do something truly great, for once. He could’ve blown that shit wide open and said to Donald Trump’s face, “No one should vote for you. You called my wife wife ugly, you used the National Enquirer as a surrogate to smear me, and you called me Lyin’ Ted. OK, that last one is fair game, but the other stuff is not cool!” Instead, he kind of hedged his bets with this “vote your conscience” bullshit. They already did, asshole – that’s why you’re not the nominee.

After a few minutes of Ted Cruz filibustering the Convention by polishing off talking points for his next failed presidential run, the New York delegation smelled what he was stepping in and started booing his sorry ass.

These people don’t seem to realize that Ted Cruz gets off on people despising him. Instead of beating a hasty retreat, Ted stuck around long enough for the crowd to threaten his wife and father, who were in the audience. Why that idiot even allowed his family to sit there in the first place knowing he was about to piss off the entire room is beyond me. Ted Cruz is nothing if not a family man, though.

Finally, the Orange Don himself decided to come out and subtly hint that he was going to rush the stage and hit him with a folding chair, WWE style. Only then did Ted Cruz decide that he’d given the audience more than enough of his melting face and GTFO.

This morning, Trump tried to do damage control by pretending that he was super cool with Ted Cruz leaving an upper decker in the Convention bathroom, saying he already knew what the contents of the speech were going to be. Ted Cruz, meanwhile, safely ensconced in a room with supporters from his home state, said what he should’ve had the gonads to say onstage last night : “I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack my wife and father.”

Back to last night: Trump’s running mate, Gov. Mike Pence, had the unenviable task of mopping up the piss Ted Cruz left all over the Convention stage. And it went really well! It started off with a bang, and a lot of sexual tension.

The speech itself was perfectly serviceable; a little too normal for this crowd. I kept waiting for Pence to give a Hillary Clinton blowup doll the People’s Elbow, but it never happened. Something we noticed about Pence for you guys to keep on your radar: he is totally George W. Bush’s soul sister. His speaking style is a combination of two things. First, he looks like he’s holding back a burp while he’s talking. During pauses, he does the patented W move of looking far into the distance while smiling and nodding his head so people think he’s contemplating some real deep shit, when in reality he wants nothing more than to get turnt at his local Sizzler.

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Which is to say, we can’t wait for the VP debates!

Photo Credits: Giphy, Vox, Reddit, Hero Wikia, Phish.net, Gawker, RT, Giphy

Soooo, Did We Miss Anything?

Our last blog post happened around that most sacred of holidays, 4/20. At that time, Bernie and Hillary were shanking at each other during a tight Democratic Primary, and Trump was crossing swords with Grandpa Munster’s stunt double on the Republican side. So, like, nothing really big happened in the last couple of months, did it?

So, July 12th was the day that the dankness died and Bernie threw his hat in the ring for Hill-Dog. Bernie supporters everywhere were super pissed, because they never thought Bernie could be frenemies with a corporate shill like Hillary.

Look, we here at GossiPol have long documented how Hillary Clinton is shady as fuck. We still call bullshit on her carrying hot sauce in her purse. But as of now, we’re with her. Why you ask? For one, Bernie got her to adopt a lot of his policy platforms, including tuition-free public college and opposing the TPP. He even made the Democratic Party danker by convincing them to push for nationwide marijuana legalization. Bernie may not have won the presidency, but he won the policy fight, and our hearts. Let’s send him off with a dank meme, shall we?

More importantly though, we’re with her because of the orange shitstain that is her opponent, Donald J. Trump. That’s right, the Orange Don IS your Republican nominee. After Ted Cruz gracefully elbowed his way out of the race:

It appears that Trump is going to be confirmed as the nominee at tonight’s Klan Rally – I mean, Republican convention. Are you proud of yourselves, America? I mean, yes, Ted Cruz was the likely alternative, and that is actually worse in our books, but still. You started out with approximately 35,000 candidates, and of all of the potential options, you chose this guy, seen here making fun of a disabled reporter Limbaugh style.

We’ve got a whole lot more on the Cheeto dingle that may fulfill his dream of winning the job he never wanted and likely won’t even take if he wins it. It’s kind of our bread and butter at this point. I mean, how can a website that trades in dick jokes for a living ignore Chester Cheetah’s Jersey Shore cousin?

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tumblr, MTV, Reddit, Now This News via Giphy, Reddit, Vanity Fair

Ted Cruz and Sean Hannity Have a Lovers Quarrel

Once upon a time, Sean Hannity used to be Ted Cruz’s ride-or-die bitch. They would go on long walks in the park, make achingly passionate love, but more than anything, they would just – talk. They would just hold hands, and – talk. That was what made the relationship more beautiful than anything.

Well, conservative America, your two dads hate to break this to you, but – they’ve decided, after a lot of thought, to have a trial separation. They love each other, you see, but they’re just not in love with each other anymore. They still love you though. Very much. Of course, kids, you know that’s not exactly true. As much as they love you, they hate each other more. They hate each other so much, they’ve taken things from simmering resentment to full-on, public screaming matches. From Business Insider:

Hannity pointed out that the Cruz campaign has focused on wooing delegates who might be able to switch their votes from Trump to Cruz on a second convention ballot.

“It’s more than a process question,” Hannity said. “It’s an integrity-of-the-election question.”

Cruz responded that the “only people asking this question are the hardcore Donald Trump supporters.”

[….] “Senator, why do you do this every single time?” Hannity asked, cutting Cruz off as he was speaking. “You’ve got to stop. Every time I have you on the air, and I ask a legitimate question, you try to throw this in my face. I’m getting sick of it. I’ve had you on more than any other candidate on radio and TV. So if I ask you, senator, a legitimate question to explain to the audience, why don’t you just answer it?”

Cruz asked if he could answer Hannity’s question “without being interrupted.”

All Cruz wants to do is co-parent the Republican party with Hannity without dragging each other through the mud. The last thing you should do is badmouth the ex-spouse to the kids, right? Well, Hannity still has an ax to grind over the way the relationship went down, and he’s taking that beef straight to Twitter. Here’s a few of his choicest tweefs (that’s mouth-queefing on Twitter, for you amateurs) from Media Matters:

“I was asking a simple question that clearly [Cruz] didn’t like. I think voters have a right to know the answer.”

“Total BS. Listen to the interview.  I asked [Cruz] to explain the process his campaigning is using.”

“The only thing pathetic here is [critics on Twitter] lying about the interview. I asked a simple question, maybe [they] can answer it.”

Damn Hannity, gurl, the claws are OUT now, aren’t they? You don’t even care if Cruz gets everything in the divorce, you just wanna make sure everybody knows what a cheating, lying scumbag he is.

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Way to not give him the power, right? In a fight between two assholes over custody and control of the Republican party it’s hard to know who’s side to take. Can’t they both lose? If GossiPol were the judge in this custody case (you know – if Judge Judy is unavailable), we would definitely side with Ted Cruz. Hold on a sec…

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Why, you ask? Because Ted Cruz is a monster of Sean Hannity’s own making. Sean Hannity getting mad at Ted Cruz is like Dr. Frankenstein getting pissed at his creation for being a rampaging zombie. For years now, Hannity has gone on divisive diatribes on his radio and TV shows, calling anyone in his party who disagrees with his ultra-conservative views a RINO (Republican In Name Only). If you’re not a tea partier dickwad, in Sean Hannity’s eyes you’re a traitor to the cause. So now when Ted Cruz, who uses the self-same tactics as his husband, Hannity, becomes popular, Hannity is somehow upset?

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Photo Credits: ImgurGiphy, Giphy, Reply Gif, Giphy

4/20 Simultaneously Becomes The Most And Least Dank Day Ever

Today is April 20th.  As we’ve already covered in our previous blog post, April 20th is a sacred holiday that celebrates burning down some of the dankest weed you can get your hands on. It is also the day after the New York primaries, which had very un-dank results: both Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump scored major victories last night. America, we know you wanted to do a little anticipatory 4/20 celebrating, but that doesn’t excuse you going to the polls baked out of your fucking gourd.

On the bright side, Ted Cruz came in dead last, as he fucking should. He even lost one district to literal sleeper candidate Ben Carson, who isn’t even running anymore. It’s not clear why Ted Cruz did so poorly in New York. Maybe it was that whole New York values kerfuffle (trademark: Judge Judith Sheindlin) which led to a series of hilarious NY Daily News covers.

Perhaps it was the shit-show that was his CNN Town Hall, where he paraded his hostages – I mean, family – around in a transparent attempt to appear likeable. Or maybe, it’s the fact that New Yorkers read GossiPol and have carefully studied our many articles on the subject of Ted Cruz’s fuckery. Whatever way you slice it, New York told Ted Cruz where he could shove it, and GossiPol could not be happier. Because of that, and because it’s 4/20, and because no matter the outcome of this election, Bernie Sanders has changed American politics for the better, we are going to celebrate these decidedly un-dank results with a decidedly dank Bernie Sanders meme.

Photo Credits: GiphyTumblr, Reddit