Teen Heartthrob Steve Bannon Removes White Hood And Cloak For 60 Minutes Interview

It feels like only yesterday that Daddy Kelly imposed major restrictions on the Orange Don. Even though those restrictions are totally chafing his Cheeto-pimpled ass, President Donald J. Trump is way too lazy to do anything about it. That means he doesn’t get to enjoy former pasttimes like reading Breitbart on the shitter.

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More importantly, Daddy Kelly forced the Orange Don to break up with his toxic ex, Steve Bannon. Now that Bannon is no longer lurking around the White House to whisper sweet dog whistles nothings into President Camacho’s ear, he decided to get his ex-girlfriend’s attention the only way he knew how: by doing a televised interview. You can see the full interview and transcript here. We highly recommend you watch the full video, because there is nothing that compares to seeing STEAMING HOT SLICE OF MAN Steve Bannon wearing TWO button-up shirts with the top two buttons undone for RAW SEX APPEAL.

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Don’t you chicks say Bannon never gave you anything (besides Hep C).

Because ladies like to look their best, Ms. Bannon also decided to shellack a metric ton of foundation all over his face to cover up some – how do we put this delicately – imperfections caused by his ALLEGED alcohol abuse. This led Ann Coulter to feign outrage over how awful 60 Minutes’ editors made him look. We have to say we agree with Ann on this one. How could you possibly make this Casanova look bad!

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We don’t know how those liberal thugs at 60 Minutes sleep at night. Now this may shock you, America, but the head of Breitbart said some super crazy and racist shit. We don’t have time to recap it all, but here are some of the highlights.

We already covered how avowed Catholic Bannon shaded his own church by saying they “needed illegal aliens to fill” their pews. That was just the tip of the xenophobic iceberg.

Charlie Rose: We’re all immigrants. Except the Native Americans –

Bannon: Don’t – don’t give me – this is the thing of the leftists. Charlie, that’s beneath you. America’s built on our citizens. Look at the 19th century. What built America’s called the American system, from Hamilton to Polk to Henry Clay to Lincoln to the Roosevelts. A system of protection of our manufacturing, financial system that lends to manufacturers, OK? And the control of our borders. Economic nationalism is what this country was built on.

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You got that guys? America is for Americans only! This is a system built on her citizens! Citizens like Alexander Hamilton, who technically wasn’t born in America, but whatever. We suppose since he became a Founding Father and isn’t brown-skinned, he gets a pass from Dreamboat Bannon on being a – what do you call it? Oh yeah – an IMMIGRANT. You know, those people who weren’t born in this country but migrate here to adopt its principles, pay its taxes, and build its infrastructure? We won’t even touch the fact that 19th century America was created through slave labor, because we’re sure Bannon would find that to be beneath us.

If you were wondering, America, where Trump got the genius idea to equivocate neo-Nazis with counter-protestors in Charlottesville, look no further than the Jabba the Hutt of carcinogens.

“I was the only guy that came out and tried to defend [Trump]. I was the only guy that said, ‘He’s talking about something, taking it up to a higher level.’ Where does it all go? Where does this end? Does it end in taking down the Washington Monument? [….] What he was trying to say is that people that support the [Confederate] monument staying there peacefully and people that oppose that, that’s the normal course of the First Amendment.”

You guys, we found a picture of “the normal course of the First Amendment” that took place in Charlottesville.

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Here’s another one:

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This is the same bullshit argument that Brian Kilmeade and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke used on Fox and Friends when they compared Confederate memorials to the 9/11 Memorial.

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The analogy doesn’t work because we’re not honoring the cause of people who attacked the United States with things like the Washington Monument and the 9/11 Memorial. Unless these assholes want to erect monuments to King George III and Osama Bin Laden, they should probably stop before they fall right off their self-righteous slippery slope argument and hurt themselves

Don’t say our boy Bannon is a racist, though. Just because he’s a Charlottesville apologist doesn’t mean he’s racist. He’s even been in the same room with minorities on multiple occasions and lived to tell the tale!

“I was raised in a desegregated neighborhood. The north side of Richmond is predominantly black, OK? I went to an integrated school, a Catholic school. I served in the military. I don’t need to be lectured by a bunch of limousine liberals, OK, from the Upper East Side of New York and from the Hamptons, OK, about any of this. My lived experience is that.”

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Hear that, “limousine liberals?” Don’t come at private-school attending, multi-millionaire Harvard grad Stephen K. Bannon, aight? The guy who made a second-generation multi-billionaire president doesn’t need you looking down your noses at him. Just because he hates Mexicans and Black people and Muslims and women. Oh yeah, how could we forget his misogyny?

“[The Access Hollywood tape] is just locker room talk. [….]When you side with a man, you side with him, OK? The good and the bad. You can criticize him behind, but when you side with him, you have to side with him. And that’s what Billy Bush weekend showed me.”

Damn, Bannon is one loyal boyfriend.

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Trump could probably grab his wife and daughter by the pussy right in front of his necrotic face and Bannon wouldn’t say shit to him. Because once Bannon sided with Trump, that was it. No independent thought required after that. Of course, Bannon still rips Trump a new asshole via Breitbart every time his Orange Overlord even thinks about pussing out on building a border wall. But that’s important, not some trivial sexual assault. It’s hard to care about stupid shit like women’s rights when you’ve got two paragons of masculinity running the country.

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Photo Credits: Radio New Zealand, Giphy, Business Insider, Snopes, BuzzFeed, NY Times, geekXpop, Media Matters, Cosmopolitan, Giphy, Giphy

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Breaking News: President Camacho STILL Hates Immigrants

When we say “Breaking News,” we mean it entirely in the CNN sense of the word, as in not breaking, not new, and not at all surprising. On Tuesday, the Orange Don sent his house elf Attorney General out to break the bad news that he was rescinding DACA. The Obama-era immigration policy allowed undocumented immigrants who entered the US as minor children to get work permits. People with serious criminal records or who did not graduate from high school were not eligible for the program. Of course, we can’t have that shit. Not on Donald J. Trump’s watch! From PBS Newshour:

“The Trump administration announced Tuesday it would scale back [DACA]. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in the announcement that Congress will have time — six months — to draft legislation that would protect these immigrants known as ‘dreamers’ before permits begin to expire March 5, 2018. [….] ‘If we were to keep the Obama Administration’s executive amnesty policy, the likeliest outcome is that it would be enjoined [….]. The Department of Justice has advised the President and the Department of Homeland Security that DHS should begin an orderly, lawful wind down, including the cancellation of the memo that authorized this program.’”

 

We’re sure Sessions moved the podium a few inches when he made this announcement. Oppressing minorities just gets Ms. Sessions so hot and bothered.

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We can’t even say that this was Trump fulfilling a campaign promise, since he’s said both that he wanted to end DACA and that Dreamers didn’t have anything to worry about because he has a “big heart.” To be fair to Trump, though, he’s clearly not very good at estimating size, so he wasn’t intending to lie when he said he had a big heart.

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If only the Apricot Asshole admired people the way he admires golf and gold-plated toilets, the world would be a better place. But because the orange-tinted man-baby that currently occupies the White House is nothing if not stalwart in his political views, he’s Tweefed out a series of cohesive messages affirming his position on DACA. We’re just fucking with you, OF COURSE he’s all over the map. After all, it’s hard choosing between sucking off his white-hooded political base and being a loved and respected world leader. First, he re-Tweeted a message from a Russian bot his Twitter fan group “The Trump Train” that read:

“We are a nation of laws. No longer will we incentivize illegal immigration.”

You hear that, immigrants? FUCK YOU! Country’s full! No vacancy! Except, hold on, the President is Tweefing again.

“Congress now has 6 months to legalize DACA (something the Obama Administration was unable to do). If they can’t, I will revisit this issue!”

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What are you going to do, big man? ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT YOU JUST GOT YOUR MIDGET ATTORNEY GENERAL TO TELL US WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL? THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO! Alright, sorry America – we’re yelling again. We just still can’t believe that the Kumquat Despot hasn’t gotten around to watching that Schoolhouse Rock separation of powers episode.

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Why bother when you can learn everything there is to know about racism immigration from your ex-girlfriend, Steve Bannon? We’ll get to his sorry ass later when his 60 Minutes episode airs this weekend, but we’re already anticipating great things from this teaser quote, which truly sums up this administration’s viewpoint on DACA:

“Former White House chief strategist Steven Bannon said the Catholic Church’s support of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, is economically driven and owes to the church’s struggle to fill pews. ‘To come to grips with the problems in the church, they need illegal aliens. They need illegal aliens to fill the churches. It’s obvious on the face of it,’ Bannon said.”

Trump, gurl, quit drunk-dialing your ex! It’s not good for you – or the country.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, GIF Images Download, Giphy, Dlisted, Make a GIF, Good Reads

We’ve Almost Destroyed Almost All of The Orange Don’s Horcruxes

The last horcrux is in you, the American voter. Actually the last one is in his tragic weave, but the next to last one is in you, America. We’re always a close second to the Orange Don. If we had to guess, Steve Bannon was Trump’s Nagini. The Kumquat Despot always kept him close, and they always whispered bigoted shit to each other in parseltongue.

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After years months of pressure, the Apricot Asshole finally got rid of his favorite advisor, though they’ll always have Klan rallies to remember each other by. Once the tragedy at Charlottesville happened, it was only a matter of time before Stephen K. Bannon finally metamorphosed into a racist, gin-soaked ashtray, better known as the executive chairman of Breitbart. Trump even congratulated Bannon on going back to his job at Breitbart – wait, what is that you say? He never left? From Forbes:

“Kurt Bardella, Breitbart’s media consultant from September 2013 through March 2016, says that Breitbart’s insistence that the website has no ties to Bannon is ‘a lie,’ pointing to the reports that Bannon was involved in a Breitbart story criticizing Reince Priebus back in February. [….] ‘Bannon was the primary driver of anything touching on the political space and that hasn’t changed just because he isn’t there anymore,’ Bardella told FORBES.”

Bannon himself seems to be pretty excited that he can now suck his own cock openly operate his hate-filled propaganda machine for as long as his bloated liver and pancreas allow him to live. From the Chicago Tribune:

 

“In an interview with the Weekly Standard, Bannon says he feels ‘jacked up.’

‘Now I’m free,’ he said, ‘I’ve got my hands back on my weapons. Someone said it’s Bannon the Barbarian. I am definitely going to crush the opposition.’”

 

If you’re wondering why Bannon is talking like a WWE hype man, it’s because 1) he is, 2) he’s also an asshole, and 3) he’s not actually giving a quote to the media, but talking to a bottle of bourbon.

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So yeah, “Bannon the Barf-barian” is on the loose, y’all. What’s it going to be like, though? Well from the sound of it, the Barf-barian is not too happy with how he left the White House. Although he tried to tell his bros that he submitted his resignation a week before, we all know that’s bullshit because of how his fellow Neo Nazis friends in the “media” reacted to the news.

Breitbart says they are going to “war” with the Trump White House. Bannon himself even declared that the Trump presidency is “over.” He said he “always planned on [staying] a year,” which tells you he didn’t exactly accomplish his mission considering he was shitcanned after SEVEN MONTHS. Basically, Miss Bannon has gone full Mariah on Donald Trump:

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And we really can’t be surprised, because none of the assholes in the Trump Administration have an agenda besides pissing off liberals. All of these people – Flynn, Scaramucci, Bannon – are out for themselves. Even if it means the death of whatever crazy-ass misogynist, white supremacist agenda they have, nothing will stop these dirtbags from cutting off their nose to spite their face. It really would be in the Barf-barian’s best interest to support Trump and his cronies in every way possible. But he’s not gonna do that, because unless there’s crosses burning in the White House rose garden, they’re not ideologically “pure” enough for the Barf-barian. And to that, we say:

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Buzzfeed, Giphy, Giphy, Style Caster, Know Your Meme

The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: President Donald J. Trump

There’s lots of groundbreaking world news we missed during our extended absence. Probably the most earth-shattering was the revelation that Donald Trump has a friend. That friend took the form of a carefully orchestrated distraction from the ineptitude of the Trump administration letter written by a 9-year-old boy whose friends call him “Pickle.” Here’s that letter in all its glory:

We know this letter excited the Orange Don for two reasons: First, because he finally had someone to talk to that could match the eloquence of his Twitter feed. Second, because he had his over-it lackey, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, read the letter to the press pool.

What a lot of people don’t know, however, is that the Kumquat Despot actually took time out of his busy Tweefing schedule (that’s qweefing out an ill-advised Tweet for all you rookies) to respond to his buddy Pickle’s letter. It went something like this:

Hey Cucumber,

It’s Don. Duh. Thanks for the letter. You could’ve sent me a Tweet, but you’re probably too poor to own a Tweet-making thingy. I’m not poor, though. I’m a billionaire. I’m worth, like, $5, $10, $15, $20 billion – it varies depending on how I feel in the morning. I even earned some of that money myself. What I didn’t lose in bankruptcy or alimony payments, I mean.

Anyway, if you ever decide to get a real job like I did, you should totally get a Tweet-making thingy. It’s great when you’re pushing out a KFC deuce and need something to do. I use it for important unpresidented stuff like calling Rosie O’Donnell fat and wishing all the haters and losers a happy 7/11 – I mean, 9/11. If I don’t like the job one of my babysitters – I mean staffers – is doing, I can use it to fire them, like I did to my old buddy Rinse Pubis. You should see the looks on their faces when they check out my Twitter feed and find out they’ve been shitcanned. Hilarious!

So Rutabaga, what do you like to do for fun? I love golfing. I’m the best at it. I can hit the ball farther than anybody, especially that little pipsqueak Michael Bloomberg. He thinks he’s so great just because he has a shit ton more money than me and is a much better politician. Sad! I like golf because it gives me a chance to get away from this dump of a White House. And I really need to get away. A LOT. It’s hard to appreciate a mansion like the White House when you’ve got a really classy place like Trump Tower to live in. Everything’s gold-plated. Putting gold on stuff means you’re important, and that your dad really loved you. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah – golf.

Golf gives me a chance to show off my sweet bod. I didn’t get married three times for nothing. Women LOVE me. You got that? They LOVE ME. Especially Melanoma, or whatever her name is. She does a lot of little things to show everyone how much she loves being my trophy wife. She plays handsy with me all the time in public. She stayed in New York even after I moved into the White House – just to keep the relationship FRESH and STEAMY. You know what I’m talking about, right Potato? You know life. Kids know life. OK, I’m talking about BONING.

Since we’re on the subject, a little advice about women from a guy who knows. You really wanna impress one, you’ve gotta pull out all the stops. I’m talking furniture shopping, planting fake stories with the Enquirer – whatever it takes to get in her pants. She might act like she’s not interested, just because she’s married or literally in the middle of doing her job, but trust me – she wants it. If you’re getting nowhere, just do what I do – grab her right by the pussy. Don’t let go until she turns 30 (gross!) or her green card expires.

Man, Fennel, you are SO lucky to be getting a letter from a guy like me. I’m really important, and I have the best brain for knowing things. I get the best intel, too. You’ll never believe this shit we got from the Israelis. They told us…damn, gotta go. Daddy Kelly is calling me. He says it’s time for a nap, but I’M NOT TIRED! I’ll show his ass. I’ll sic Bannon (if he ever stops sucking his own cock) or Kellyanne on him. Smell ya later, Turnip.

Your Friend,

Donnie

P.S. Have you seen my poll numbers? They’re amazing. Big league.

P.P.S. Write again. I’m not lonely or anything, just wanna see how losers like you live.

 

You guys, we think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We’ll check in with Donald and his Pee Pee (that’s short for “pen pal,” get your minds out of the gutter!) periodically and see how they’re getting along. In the meantime, we leave you with Donnie Boy making a toot toot on a vroom vroom like a big boy!

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Photo Credits: Big Daddy Said, Mediaite, Giphy

Kellyanne Conway Enters The Trump-Brand, Super-Classy, Yugely Successful Game of Thrones

We have a new player, America! Welcome Trump spokesperson and deranged, crispy-fried Stepford Wife Kellyanne Conway to the Game, seen here looking delighted at the prospect of having completely butt-fucked the country she supposedly loves:

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Our girl Kellyanne has been dubbed “The Trump Whisperer” after she was able to housebreak a sociopathic orangutan. Of course she failed miserably at preventing him from shitting the bed during her run as his campaign co-chair, but she was successful at convincing Middle America that a 70-year-old spoiled man-baby actually gives enough fucks about them to Make America Great Again.

The secret to her success? Wait, look over there! Shiny object! No, don’t actually look over there. We mean that’s part of her strategy. Jesus, America, you fall for that trick every time, don’t you? Anyway, pretty much every interview with Kellyanne consisted of the following three-step process:

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No, not that three-step process, this one:

Step One: Interviewer asks tough question about any number of shitty things the Orange Don has done.

Step Two: Kellyanne chastises the interviewer for asking such a tough question.

Step Three: Kellyanne then rambles on through gritted teeth about any number of things that don’t involve how terrible her candidate is. Among her favorites are conspiracy theories about liberals, bitching about the media, and oh, shiny objects! Wouldn’t we much rather talk about shiny objects than about what a racist, sexist pig her boss is?

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Our girl Kellyanne worked really hard to cover up her boss’ various pussy-grabbing misdeeds, and was punished rewarded with a mysterious “big position” in Trump’s new administration. In the meantime, though, she remains Trump’s babysitter spokesperson. Normally a spokesperson is supposed to be – you know, professional – but our girl Kellyanne threw out the rulebook on Sunday during an interview with CNN’s Dana Bash. When asked about the possibility of Trump picking Mitt Romney as Secretary of State, Kellyanne had this to say:

“I’m all for party unity, but I’m not sure we have to pay for that with the secretary of state position. It’s just breathtaking in scope and intensity the type of messages I’ve received from all over the country … the number of people who feel betrayed to think that Gov. Romney would get the most prominent Cabinet post after he went so far out of his way to hurt Donald Trump.”

Much like other Trump-brand Game of Thrones players, Kellyanne has decided to take the not-so-subtle route in telling her boss she thinks he’s a fucking idiot. Needless to say, Trump didn’t take too kindly to that shit. Two sources from the Trump camp said the Orange Don is “furious” that our girl Kellyanne is “pushing her own agenda” instead of doing her job like a normal person. Hmmm, wonder who those “two sources” could be? Does one of them look like he’s winning his battle against bulimia and alcohol abstention, while the other looks like a total narc?

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Are we really surprised that Trump’s administration is already cannibalizing itself? I mean, when you look at the great role model they have at the top, why wouldn’t it be every man or woman for themselves?

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If you’re in Trump’s administration, you’ve got approximately a year or two before Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget either fires you for some indiscernible reason or he gets impeached. You might as well take everything you can get before you find yourself in the unemployment line. Because in the Trump-Brand Game of Thrones, you either win, or you – well, actually, nobody wins the Trump-brand Game of Thrones, least of all America.

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Photo Credits: The Telegraph, Mofo Politics, YouTube, Tumblr, Fox News, Giphy, Pop Sugar