The Bubble Wrap President

When the alt-right coined the term “Snowflake,” they must have been looking into a crystal ball at their future lord and savior, Cheeto Jesus President Donald J. Trump. Minorities, peaceful protests, Rosie O’Donnell – you name it, it gets under the Kumquat Despot’s skin.

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The last two weeks have seen a Category 5 orange shit storm wreck the United States via Twitter. President Camacho has been feuding with everybody. Right after Hurricane Maria ravaged Puerto Rico, he called the mayor of its capital city “nasty” and an “ingrate” who “wants everything done for [her].” Of course, she totally deserved to be called out for the unpardonable offense of – gasp – criticizing the President’s disaster relief response. Which, as we’ve covered here at GossiPol before, was not great.

Trump also had “plenty of time” to spare to drag all the uppity Black athletes who took a knee during the pre-game national anthem. The coked-up orangutan felt it was an “important function of working” to Tweef about how NFL players don’t respect our military half so much as a five-time draft-dodger who hates on POWs as a hobby.

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So impassioned is our Commander In Chief about respect for our military, he sent a fully-functioning GOP action figure (complete with amorphous Ken doll genitalia, no doubt) to waste almost $250,000 of taxpayer money on a five minute counter-protest. From CNN:

“[Vice President] Pence left the [Colts-49ers] game after some players knelt during the National Anthem, saying he did not want to ‘dignify’ the demonstration. ‘I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem,’ Pence wrote on Twitter. [….] President Donald Trump tweeted afterward that he asked Pence to leave the stadium. [….] The grand total [cost of his hours-long trip to Indianapolis]: about $242,500.”

Upon hearing that, every taxpayer in America was like:

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Of course, it’s not a Category 5 orange shit storm if Trump doesn’t cut off his nose to spite his face. To date, he is still in a shade war with outgoing Republican Senator Bob Corker. It looks like Sen. Corker is now having second thoughts about helping to elect a sociopathic narcissist to our nation’s highest office. And now, Ms. Corker is not holding shit back. Oh, at all.

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From Politico:

“Earlier Sunday, Trump and Corker launched criticisms at each other via Twitter, with Trump firing the first salvo, writing that “Corker ‘begged’ me to endorse him for re-election in Tennessee. I said ‘NO’ and he dropped out (said he could not win without my endorsement).” In another post, Trump added that the Tennessee senator “also wanted to be Secretary of State, I said ‘NO THANKS.’ He is also largely responsible for the horrendous Iran Deal!”

Corker quickly responded with his own online post, writing that “it’s a shame the White House has become an adult day care center. Someone obviously missed their shift this morning.””

 

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Now Republicans are freaking out. They’re really starting to feel that the price of electing one of their own to the White House, regardless of qualifications, ain’t cheap. But only a few of them are freaking out for the right reasons.

You see, America, as entertaining as all of this fuckery is, it shouldn’t be our main focus. The sideshow is both the symptom and the disease of our mentally ill POTUS. His handling of the natural disaster in Puerto Rico is the perfect example of how Donald J. Trump is what we are now calling the Bubble Wrap President.

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When Hurricane Maria devastated the island nation, it was a turning point for the Trump administration. Dear Leader was already starting to show signs that perhaps he wasn’t going to be the “consoler in chief” people come to expect out of the President in times of crisis, at least judging from his tone-deaf handling of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. Before he even had a chance to visit the island, Trump made clear he gave approximately zero fucks about 3.4 million American citizens living without food, water, or power. He Tweefed about pretty much everything but Puerto Rico, and only seemed to care when the mayor of San Juan shanked at him on national television. His first show of “empathy” came by way of Tweefs simultaneously promising help and admonishing Puerto Rico for their debt crisis.

Trump’s babysitters staff did not miss these warning signs. It was obvious to them – and to anyone with a set of functioning eyeballs and earballs – that if they sent the Kumquat Despot into the bleak and desperate aftermath of a hurricane, he would confirm that he didn’t give a KFC-induced shit about any of the people there. But keeping him away from the devastation would seem equally heartless. So they compromised. From the Washington Post:

The Puerto Rico that President Trump saw during his four-hour visit on Tuesday afternoon was that of Angel Pérez Otero, the mayor of Guaynabo, a wealthy San Juan suburb known for its amenity-driven gated communities that was largely spared when Hurricane Maria hit two weeks ago. [….] If the president had traveled a little deeper into the island, to the communities that sustained some of the heaviest damage, he would have witnessed a very different Puerto Rico. [….] More than 1,200 homes were flattened or suffered major damage [in the neighboring village]. At least one person at a shelter died of diabetes complications after not having access to medical care, and two people killed themselves.

[….] After the neighborhood tour in Guaynabo, Trump traveled to the nearby Calvary Chapel, an evangelical church that’s especially popular with conservatives and mainland Americans who have moved to Puerto Rico. [….] Trump continued into the church, where he was greeted by several dozen members and others who cheered his arrival. A few people in the crowd shouted that they loved him or held signs that read ‘Proud Americans,’ ‘Let’s Make Puerto Rico Great Again’ and ‘God Bless You, Mr. President.’ At least one person wore a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. [….] As he handed out some smaller flashlights, he declared: ‘Flashlights, you don’t need them anymore.’”

Trump’s handlers covered the Orange Don gently in bubble wrap to protect him from the big, bad world (or is it the other way around?). They made sure he bypassed the real aftermath of Hurricane Maria and led him gently into a propagandistic campaign rally instead. What’s more, it’s clear that Trump has no idea that’s what happened.

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So when Trump sees people criticizing him on his beloved morning news shows for proclaiming that he’s done a “great job” on Puerto Rico, he legitimately doesn’t understand why. In a painfully ironic twist, if he was confronted with the truth of his aides essentially lying to him to keep him from seeing the bigger picture, he wouldn’t be able to handle that either. The reason they lie to him in the first place is to keep him from doing all the stupid, impulsive shit he used to do when he was everyone’s favorite reality star/bankruptcy expert. Without smoke screens like the one deployed in Puerto Rico, Trump would’ve already withdrawn from NAFTA and fired Robert Mueller.

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So when you see Trump gleefully firing off 19 Tweefs in a single weekend while on a golfing vacation, bear in mind that Trump is doing that because he thinks he has successfully president-ed away all the world’s problems. Oh, that pesky North Korea thing? The one he ominously Tweefed about this past weekend?

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Don’t worry, America – he doesn’t really think he’s starting an actual war. That’s the consequence of having a Bubble Boy for a President. Trump has become so insulated from the real-life repercussions of his actions, he probably thinks “war” is just some sort of reality competition with Kim Jong-Un. Whoever gets better ratings during Sweeps is the “winner.” The fact that he even conceptualizes things like global thermonuclear war in terms of “winners” and “losers” tells you he doesn’t entirely understand the gravity of the situation.

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This is the kind of shit Sen. Corker is trying to warn us about. Because make no mistake: Trump is going to try and declare war on North Korea. The bigger question is whether anybody else in the GOP has the guts to try and stop him – and finally pull Trump out of his bubble.

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Well, That Took Long…

Remember how yesterday, we predicted that the Orange Don would fuck up the relative good will generated by his “big boy speech” (what we call an event where Donald Trump talks for more than two minutes straight without yelling a racial slur or shitting his pants)? All it took was a campaign-style rally (whatever the fuck that is) in Phoenix, Arizona, and less than 24 hours later, we have our old coked-up orangutan buddy back! We’d like to brag about being psychic:

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But honestly, it’s like predicting that water will be wet, the sky will be blue, and Bachelorette suitors will be douchey. Trump ranted and raved for over an hour, while Daddy Kelly gritted his teeth in consternation and Mike Pence polished off his “President of the United States” name plate. His supporters found out that there is such thing as a Klan rally that goes over time, gradually filing out as the Kumquat Despot ticked off his Arya-styles kill list.

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First on that kill list was the media. It didn’t take long for Trump to empty his purse on national TV. A few minutes in, the Orange Don was dry-sobbing his way through a dramatic retelling of his handling of the tragedy in Charlottesville. Of course, like all good remakes, the director took a few – shall we say, liberties – with the truth. From the Washington Post:

“Trump reached into his suit pocket and removed a different set of talking points. [….] Trump then took more than 16 minutes to read the various statements that he made about Charlottesville over several days, noting the use of all-caps for one word and skipping over the part where he said that ‘many sides’ were responsible for the violence.

[….] The crowd repeatedly booed the reporters in their midst and chanted: ‘CNN sucks! CNN sucks!’

‘So they were having a hard time with that one, because I said everything,’ Trump said, then flippantly launching into a laundry list of hate groups. ‘I hit ’em with neo-Nazi. I hit ’em with everything. I got the white supremacists, the neo-Nazi. I got them all in there. Let’s see: KKK? We have KKK. I got ’em all.’

Trump eventually wrapped up this defense by saying, in part: ‘The words were perfect.’”

Is it just us, or does Trump remind you of a used car salesman when he’s ticking off the reasons he’s the real victim of the Charlottesville violence and not the woman who was mowed down by a fucking neo-Nazi?

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Several times throughout the speech, Trump claimed that all of the networks, including CNN, turned off the cameras that were broadcasting live because they feared his “perfect words.” From Vice:

“Trump also repeatedly accused a group of cameramen from various networks — including CNN, which he called out by name — of turning off their cameras to avoid broadcasting what he had to say. CNN broadcast the entire speech live.

‘Oh that’s so funny, look back there,’ Trump said, pointing to the cameras. ‘Those cameras are going off, oh wow. Why don’t you just fold them up and take them home? Oh, those cameras are going off. Wow. That’s the one thing, they’re very nervous to have me on live television because this can’t happen. You know what, I’m a person who wants to tell the truth, I’m an honest person and what I’m saying, you know, is exactly right.’”

 

Excuse us for a second:

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The speech was full of bizarre moments like this. It’s a clear sign, America – to us, anyway – that Trump is ready to leave office. When you watched him take the stage, it was clear that the Apricot Asshole is kind of like a 70’s rock band that’s sick and goddamn tired of playing the same greatest hits playlist to Middle America over and over again.

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There’s no joy in this for him anymore. He wants out. We think he’s hoping that somebody like Mitch McConnell actually accomplishes a Dynasty-style hostile boardroom takeover so he can go back to trolling America from the sidelines. Unfortunately for him (and us), that’s not how democracy works. When the Orange Don finally realizes that some magical board of trustees isn’t going to come in and replace him, he’ll resign. We predict by the end of the year.

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Republicans Still Have No Plan To Replace Obamacare

But it’s coming, you guys!

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Don’t act like you’re not impressed, America – isn’t the sweet, sweet marriage of politics and dick jokes what you came here for? So yeah, Republicans don’t have a plan to replace Obamacare yet because according to House Speaker Paul Ryan, Trump and his paid insurance shill nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Price, haven’t been sworn in yet. Oh yeah, and they haven’t actually put together a plan for replacing Obamacare. There’s that also. From MSN, via The Hill:

“Republicans currently do not have a consensus on a detailed replacement plan, which requires hard tradeoffs to put together. Ryan would not commit to saying the replacement will cover just as many people as ObamaCare, which has provided coverage to 20 million people. ‘Look I’m not going to get ahead of our committee process, we’re just beginning to put this together.’”

“Just beginning to put this together”? What in the actual fuck have you assholes been doing for the last SEVEN YEARS?! All we heard about from the moment the ACA passed was how terrible Republicans thought it was and what a disaster it would be. A whole lot of bitching, including from Ryan himself.

Yet in all that time, none of them thought to put their heads together and come up with their own, cohesive plan? It took Democrats less than two years when they had control of both houses and the presidency, but the clock is still ticking for Republicans to come up with one solitary piece of legislation. Man, it’s almost like bitching is easier than coming up with actual solutions to people’s problems.

We also love how Ryan can’t even commit to the simple prospect of all 20 million people keeping their current healthcare coverage. “Let’s not go crazy here – not everybody gets covered. I mean I do – I’m covered, and so are all the people working on the new healthcare legislation – but you other 20 million plebs might have to go fuck yourselves, or at the very least try not to get sick.”

Our favorite part of all this, has to be what Republicans’ orange-tinted overlord said about all this shit yesterday. You see, when Republican Sen. Mike Enzi proposed and passed a budget resolution to defund Obamacare, Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget got all offended and Tweefed out the following:

Two things we love about these Tweefs (you know – what happens when somebody queefs out an ill-advised Tweet): First off, Trump’s master plan is to allow Obamacare to crumble to the point where pretty much everybody is uninsured. Then, Democrats can take the blame. Cool guy. Cool Tweef. About what we’d expect from the guy who does this:

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Secondly, now you’re hesitant to repeal Obamacare without a replacement? May we please present to this coked-up orangutan Exhibit A: his campaign promise as delivered from his very own website, donaldjtrump.com:

“On day one of the Trump Administration, we will ask Congress to immediately deliver a full repeal of Obamacare.”

You know what you must do, Republicans: on January 20th, help Trump fulfill his campaign promise. Give him exactly what he wants and what he promised the American people. We’re sure it’ll work out swimmingly for us all. Except when it doesn’t.

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Republicans Get Rid Of Ethics Committee, Then Do Take-Backsies

While showing up to work drunk sounds like a super-fun idea, it doesn’t always yield the best results. We’re not saying House Republicans discovered this the hard way, but…

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The vast majority of us going back to work after a long vacay spend about 90% of our time fucking and around and the other 10% checking the backlog of bullshit emails we got during the break. But not our Republican-controlled Congress, y’all. They are earning that government paycheck by getting down to business on their very first day back from a long, winter recess. There was a lot of important work to do, so what did they put at the top of their priority list? Did they finally get off their asses and confirm Merrick Garland to the US Supreme Court before their Orange Overlord nominated Captain Crunch in his place (What? He has military experience and he’s super-rich – he checks all the boxes). Did they fix what they allege to be deficient with Obamacare so Americans everywhere finally have the proper health coverage?

No! They didn’t do any of those important things! House Republicans decided instead to commence the vital task of gutting the independent ethics committee that investigates them for doing the kind of shady shit they did when they got their palms greased by Jack Abramoff several years back. From Politico:

“Monday’s effort was led, in part, by lawmakers who have come under investigation in recent years. [….] House Republicans adopted a proposal by Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) to put the Office of Congressional Ethics under the jurisdiction of the House Ethics Committee.  The office currently has free rein, enabling investigators to pursue allegations and then recommend further action to the House Ethics Committee as they see fit. Now, the office would be under the thumb of lawmakers themselves.”

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Apparently, Republicans agreed with Democratic ethical stalwarts like Charlie Rangel, who was censured by his own colleagues in 2010 for tax evasion. The beef, according to them, is that sometimes the Committee investigates trumped-up charges. You know what happens to those charges when they’re unfounded, though? They’re dismissed. But instead of voting on simple rule changes that could give a lawmaker accused of an ethical violation more due process rights, Republicans thought gutting the whole Committee was a better way to go.

Their boss, House Speaker Paul Ryan, told them that shit was a bad idea, and he was right. But you know what really galls us about this whole ordeal? That Republicans made us agree with Donald Fucking Trump. We will never forgive them for that. Shortly after the vote, the Orange Don tweeted the following:

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We have a saying in the South: a broke clock is right twice a day. In this case, President Camacho was spot-on. Of course, don’t even think about applying ethics rules to him or his family. That shit won’t fly with him. To be fair though, Trump reads at about a third-grade level, so asking him to do ethical things like completely divesting all his business interests or not holding pay-to-play fundraisers with his family are probably a bit beyond his comprehension.

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Needless to say, there was a huge public outcry over Republicans saying, “Bye Felicia!” to ethics and accountability. Because of that, and because modern-day Republicans are the biggest pussies we’ve ever seen (look at their revolving door of presidential primary candidates if you don’t believe us), they backtracked with a quickness, pulling their proposed legislation. Maybe they sobered up?

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Of course, if you ask the coked-up orangutan that is soon to be our chief executive, it was his deft handling of a social media account that really made Congress back down. Just like he improved the economy and created millions of jobs before he took office, all with the power of his tremendous words. We’ll let him believe that for now, just like we’ll let him think that pro wrestling is real – for a little while longer at least. Children (or 70-year-old grown men with childlike mentalities) deserve to keep the magic as long as possible, don’t they?

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I’m Dreaming Of An Orange Christmas

With every blog post I write! Sing it with me now! How were your holidays, America? Ours were pretty awesome – we got to say goodbye to the cunt that is 2016, which gave us a nice bout of stomach flu as a final fuck you before it sashayed away with a cringe-inducing lip sync (thanks, Mariah Carey!). But the question on everyone’s mind is, how did our future orange-tinted overlord spend his holidays? Is he acting more “presidential”? Well, if by “presidential,” you mean he’s still having Twitter tantrums, making poor choices, and trying to start WWIII, then yes – he’s still being quite “presidential.”

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First, he named one of his staffers, Jason Miller, to be his administration’s communications director. Then, strangely, Miller said he wasn’t going to take the job because he wanted to spend more time with his wife, who is giving birth to their second child in January. That sounded not the least bit suspicious, at least until another Trump staffer, lady lawyer AJ Delgado, decided to put him on blast for emulating his boss – in other words, not keeping his married dick in his pants. Here’s a sampling of some of her Woman-Scorned Tweets, which she put out into the Interwebs before deleting her account.

“Congratulations to the baby-daddy on being named WH Comms Director!”

“The 2016 version of John Edwards.”

“When you try to put a brave face and tweet about nonsense to distract, your feed looks like [Jason Miller’s].”

If you guys need us, we’ll be over here:

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We don’t know why Jason Miller decided to resign in disgrace just because he had an affair. Perhaps he’s preparing for his next presidential run. After all, his boss took his mistress on the same vacation as his wife, and it didn’t hurt his chances. Never forget the Ivana Trump-Marla Maples catfight in Aspen, America, because it’s too good.

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Clearly, though, the Orange Don needed a good communications director to save him from himself. Because not even a day later, he Tweefed (that’s queefing out an ill-advised Tweet, for all you amateurs) the following statement:

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That sent his team into a frenzy to explain that their sociopathic orangutan boss didn’t really mean the words that came out of his mouth. Anything resembling an air of competence is like poison to the Orange Don. So naturally, he set the record straight the next day when he told MSNBC: “Let it be an arms race.”

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Cool, so – WWIII it is, then? And Iran is supposed to be the scary nuclear threat? Jesus, dude, at least pretend like you’re not going to abuse your access to the nuclear codes.

Our favorite, though, pretty much sums up Trump’s entire existence. To prepare for the upcoming apocalypse that will be his 2017 inauguration, he went to his golf club and had a presser with Don King. Why so confused, America? Every good pro wrestler needs a hype man.

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After a few minutes of rambling like your pilled-up grandpa about the evils of technology, he went on his merry way. At the end of the week, he hosted a New Year’s Eve party at his super-classy, stupendous, elegant, gold-plated member’s-only golf club at Mar-a-Lago. Everybody had to pay to get in to see a coked-up cockatiel in a tuxedo violate long-held ethical pay-to-play codes in real time (it’s a family tradition, after all). The video of the Orange Don’s speech to the party is here if you want to see it in all its majesty. He spends a lot of time giving his Dubai business partner a rim job glowing praise, but our favorite part has to be when he told the crowd this:

“I wanna thank my members. I really don’t care too much about their guests. The ones I really care about are the members – I don’t give a shit about their guests.”

What an amazing quote. Let’s fix it though, so it reflects the Orange Don’s true worldview.

“I wanna thank my members all the millionaires and billionaires that contributed to my campaign. I really don’t care too much about their guests the lower-and-middle-class people that work for them, since they’re poor losers anyway. The ones I really care about are the members the rich people who suck up to me and give me whatever I want. I don’t give a shit about their guests the working-class people I made a bunch of empty promises to – I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.”

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