Republican Debate In Miami: Puta Madre!

After months of complaining that recent debates had degenerated into name-calling and dick-measuring, the candidates finally agreed to remain relatively civil and stick to the issues at last night’s Republican debate in Miami. So, are you happy now America? You got to hear what the candidates had to say on policy, and I think we can all agree that a two hour dick-measuring contest would have been preferable. At least I would have had more dick joke material.

John Kasich kicked things off by saying something about “blowing the whistle on everybody.” I don’t know what that was in reference to because I frankly wasn’t paying attention, but that doesn’t mean I can’t turn lemons into lemonade and make an off-color joke like: “John Kasich must be fun at orgies.” Am I right, guys? Huh? Please clap.

Samuel L Jackson Cat Stare Off gif.gif Or don’t.

Of course, since the debate was held in Miami, and Donald Trump is going to get Mexico to pay for a wall that is approximately the size of his imaginary penis, immigration was a hot topic. The world’s classiest Cheeto dingle had this to say about the guest worker program:

“I know the [guest worker visa program] very well. It’s something that I frankly use and I shouldn’t be allowed to use, we shouldn’t have it. Very bad for workers.”

Let us all form a prayer circle around Donald Trump if heroin is ever legalized. After all, no matter how bad it is for him or the country, Donald will fucking try it so long as it is not illegal. What a cool guy. Not to be outdone on immigration hypocrisy, all of Trump’s competitors waxed poetic on their immigrant ancestors: Rubio on his Cuban parents, Cruz on his Cuban father, and Kasich on his Croatian grandparent. They all then breathed a sigh of relief, because now that their families are here safe and sound, every other immigrant can get the fuck out and stay there. We all on the same page now?

jimmy fallon full house ok thumbs up the tonight show

Social security was a fun topic, especially when Trump handled it with about the tone-deafness you’d expect from a guy who got his business going with a “small, $1 million dollar loan” from his daddy. Right after CNN moderator Dana Bash told him the SSA would run out of money in 20 years, Trump’s response was that he would keep it exactly the same and change nothing. Although now that I think of it, Trump’s poor grasp of basic mathematics might explain his inflated estimation of his dick size.

Shit got real when moderators started grilling Trump on his appalling foreign policy outlook. Instead of backing down on bro-ing out with Putin and praising China for massacring its own people in Tiananmen Square, Trump actually doubled down on that bullshit. Maybe when Trump says it’s big, he’s referring to the size of his balls.

Photo CreditsChip Somodevilla/Getty Images via CNN, Giphy via Reddit, Giphy via Saturday Night Live, Memepile via Pinterest


Yet Another Thing That Doesn’t Want To Be Near Ted Cruz

By “thing,” I mean whatever the hell it was that flew out of his mouth. So something funny happened at Thursday night’s Republican debate. Sometime in the two plus hours of dick-measuring and screaming that passed for a presidential debate, Ted Cruz decided to do the thing that likely drives his wife crazy: talk. And when he talked – oh God, when he talked – the uterus-shriveling image seen above seared itself permanently into my memory.

So what was the particle on panty-dropper Ted Cruz’s lip? There are a few possible explanations:

  1. The figurative bullshit that constantly flies out of his mouth became literal and took solid form.
  2. He finally lied so much his soul was like, “Fuck it, I tried,” and left his body. If you think that object is too small to be a human soul, remember that this is Ted Cruz we’re talking about.
  3. A piece of mint and/or food (aaaaaaand my uterus just died)
  4. Insert dick joke here

Vote in the comments below. Here’s a palate cleanser in the meantime:

Maru Box Cat.gif

Photo Credits: Wonkette,