We’re Back From Vacation, America!

Luckily we didn’t miss anything. The Kumquat Despot is Tweefing incessantly about the NFL, so that means nothing else is going on in the world and everything is perfect.

“North Korea’s top diplomat says President Donald Trump’s tweet that leader Kim Jong Un ‘won’t be around much longer’ was a declaration of war against his country by the United States.”

Oh. We see.

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Shit.

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Wow. Okay. This is only slightly less stressful than dragging two kids under three on a week-long tour of the great state of Oregon. They were good under the circumstances, but let us paint a picture for you on what the last day looked like.

We stopped at a Hood River vineyard on the way home to pick up a few bottles of wine (one for the housesitter, one for each set of grandparents). Naturally, the kids had fucking had it with riding in the car. As soon as they set foot outside that car, it was like unleashing the kraken on that tiny, unsuspecting vineyard. There were couples lazing about on the porch, peacefully drinking wine without a care in the world. We vaguely remember what that was like.

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But their peace was rudely shattered by two hellspawn kids – one screaming his head off, the other running around in circles, picking up every glass she could find and screaming, “Mommy! Daddy! Momdad! Dadmom! NO CAR!!! POOOOOTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” The people at this winery rightly looked at us like we were the worst people on the planet. We were about as welcome in that vineyard as a screaming baby at a Trump rally.

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In the ten minutes it took us to sample four wines, pay for the bottles, and GTFO, we probably ended up with lower approval ratings than the current POTUS. Everybody gave us the death stare. Judgment was shooting out of their eyeballs, like RuPaul when one of her Drag Race contestants tells her, “I don’t sew.”

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You’d think we’d done something deplorable like taken a knee at a NASCAR race, or taken away healthcare from over 20 million people. But if you think about it, we had done something pretty deplorable: We subjected all of these blissfully childless couples to a glimpse of the dire hellscape that awaits them when they become parents. That can never be forgiven.

Long story short, every single one of those people would vote my kids into office over Donald J. Trump after the shit that went down this past week. We would too.

Photo Credits: Tenor, ABC News, Goode, Tenor, Buzzfeed, Pinterest

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Republicans Get Rid Of Ethics Committee, Then Do Take-Backsies

While showing up to work drunk sounds like a super-fun idea, it doesn’t always yield the best results. We’re not saying House Republicans discovered this the hard way, but…

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The vast majority of us going back to work after a long vacay spend about 90% of our time fucking and around and the other 10% checking the backlog of bullshit emails we got during the break. But not our Republican-controlled Congress, y’all. They are earning that government paycheck by getting down to business on their very first day back from a long, winter recess. There was a lot of important work to do, so what did they put at the top of their priority list? Did they finally get off their asses and confirm Merrick Garland to the US Supreme Court before their Orange Overlord nominated Captain Crunch in his place (What? He has military experience and he’s super-rich – he checks all the boxes). Did they fix what they allege to be deficient with Obamacare so Americans everywhere finally have the proper health coverage?

No! They didn’t do any of those important things! House Republicans decided instead to commence the vital task of gutting the independent ethics committee that investigates them for doing the kind of shady shit they did when they got their palms greased by Jack Abramoff several years back. From Politico:

“Monday’s effort was led, in part, by lawmakers who have come under investigation in recent years. [….] House Republicans adopted a proposal by Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) to put the Office of Congressional Ethics under the jurisdiction of the House Ethics Committee.  The office currently has free rein, enabling investigators to pursue allegations and then recommend further action to the House Ethics Committee as they see fit. Now, the office would be under the thumb of lawmakers themselves.”

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Apparently, Republicans agreed with Democratic ethical stalwarts like Charlie Rangel, who was censured by his own colleagues in 2010 for tax evasion. The beef, according to them, is that sometimes the Committee investigates trumped-up charges. You know what happens to those charges when they’re unfounded, though? They’re dismissed. But instead of voting on simple rule changes that could give a lawmaker accused of an ethical violation more due process rights, Republicans thought gutting the whole Committee was a better way to go.

Their boss, House Speaker Paul Ryan, told them that shit was a bad idea, and he was right. But you know what really galls us about this whole ordeal? That Republicans made us agree with Donald Fucking Trump. We will never forgive them for that. Shortly after the vote, the Orange Don tweeted the following:

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We have a saying in the South: a broke clock is right twice a day. In this case, President Camacho was spot-on. Of course, don’t even think about applying ethics rules to him or his family. That shit won’t fly with him. To be fair though, Trump reads at about a third-grade level, so asking him to do ethical things like completely divesting all his business interests or not holding pay-to-play fundraisers with his family are probably a bit beyond his comprehension.

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Needless to say, there was a huge public outcry over Republicans saying, “Bye Felicia!” to ethics and accountability. Because of that, and because modern-day Republicans are the biggest pussies we’ve ever seen (look at their revolving door of presidential primary candidates if you don’t believe us), they backtracked with a quickness, pulling their proposed legislation. Maybe they sobered up?

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Of course, if you ask the coked-up orangutan that is soon to be our chief executive, it was his deft handling of a social media account that really made Congress back down. Just like he improved the economy and created millions of jobs before he took office, all with the power of his tremendous words. We’ll let him believe that for now, just like we’ll let him think that pro wrestling is real – for a little while longer at least. Children (or 70-year-old grown men with childlike mentalities) deserve to keep the magic as long as possible, don’t they?

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Photo Credits: Giphy, MTV UK, WHNT, Comic Vine, Giphy, Giphy

President-Elect Camacho Gets Super-Presidential With China and Taiwan

Remember when the Orange Don was asked about being a 12-year-old internet troll trapped in the body of a 70-year-old curdled cheese dumpling? Remember his response? Here, we’ll remind you:

“I could be more Presidential than anybody. I can be more Presidential, if I want to be, I can be more Presidential than anybody.”

We’re assuming when he was talking about how “presidential” his temperament was going to be, he wasn’t talking about Teddy Roosevelt, but about this guy:

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And boy, howdy, is he achieving that goal! Over the last week, Trump has already managed to start shit with one of our biggest trading partners before he even sets foot in the Oval Office. And here you liberals were worried he wouldn’t achieve anything.

Last week, the Orange Don called the President of Taiwan, Tsai Ing-Wen. No big deal, right? That’s the problem. To China, it IS a big deal. You see, China still considers Taiwan to be part of their country, even though they’re technically not and haven’t been since the late 19th century. Ever since President Carter, the US has not diplomatically recognized Taiwan as a separate country, even though they totally are – I’ve got two stamps in my passport to prove it. Still, ever since then, we’ve done everything in our power to placate China by refusing to formally acknowledge Taiwan as an independent nation, despite the fact that we still do business with them.

Got it, America? Good. Now go tell the incoming president before he does something stupid.

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Well, that’s OK. China’s President, Xi Jinping, didn’t start World War III over the call, especially since he knows it probably had about as much substance as Trump’s conversation with Pakistan’s prime minister.China still got pissed enough to lodge a formal complaint with our government. But word on the street is, President Xi knows Donald Trump is a fucking idiot, and so is willing to let shit slide.

Of course, never let it be said that the Orange Don doesn’t know how to dig deeper into his own grave. After he heard the blowback (ha!) about his Taiwan call, he responded in the most “presidential” way possible – by going on a Twitter rant.

Screencap of Tweet by Donald J. Trump saying:

Screencap of Tweet by Donald J. Trump saying:

You know, we could have given Trump credit for opening up diplomatic relations with Taiwan. It probably is time to change our policy with them. However, we can’t credit somebody for having some brilliant master plan when he doesn’t even take the time out of his busy Tweeting schedule to read the goddamn security briefings. And when his advisers act like they don’t understand what the big deal is, it makes you wonder when they say they had a “strategy” if they’re not protesting a little too much. Really – you had a “strategy?” A strategy to undo almost 40 years of diplomatic protocol, and then you’re surprised at people’s strong reactions? Trump people, if you want to change the protocol, have at it. Can you just please, for the love of God, at least pretend that it was intentional and not due to your narcissistic orangutan boss having impulse-control issues? The American people would appreciate it.

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Bret Baier Said Some Shit About Hillary He Wishes He Could Take Back

Remember yesterday when we talked about Fox News’ report that the Clinton Foundation was totally getting indicted, for realsies this time? And that same Fox News report breathlessly relayed that Hillary’s private server was hacked by five different foreign intelligence agencies? Bret Baier was the dude who reported that shit, and he had Republicans everywhere simultaneously orgasming and sharpening their shanks. Because this time, they had proof, you guys. Hillary was getting busted, and right before the election, no less!

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Except – um – sorry Republicans, I don’t know how to tell y’all this. Wait, actually I do, because I already broke down for you yesterday how full of shit this report was – but let me repeat myself – the Clinton Foundation isn’t getting indicted. There’s no evidence Hillary’s server was hacked, though even if it was, it joins a long line of government servers that have had the same shit happen to them. I had actual facts and evidence on my side, including an already-published Wall Street Journal report that the DOJ and the heads of the FBI were not impressed by the case against either the Clinton Foundation or Hillary’s emails. Not to mention that FBI agents, can’t, don’t, and won’t file for an indictment because only a prosecuting attorney can do that. But if you don’t believe me, the FBI, the DOJ, or the rule of law, take Bret Baier’s word for it.

“That just wasn’t inartful [to say that an indictment against the Clinton Foundation was likely] — it was a mistake, and for that I’m sorry.”

Try to contain your shock at Fox News jumping the gun on an anti-Hillary story.

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And where did these leaks come from in the first place? It’s looking more and more like Rudy Giuliani is to blame. Yes, drunk uncle Rudy told Fox News two days before Bret Baier’s report that shit was bout to go DOWN. His law firm does represent the FBI Agents Association, and he is besties with Jim Kallstrom, former head of the NY FBI office, so it’s not inconceivable that drunk uncle Rudy isn’t all talk when he brags about leaking FBI secrets. So basically, Trump’s supporters are about as shitty with protocol as he is.

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But yeah, turns out drunk uncle Rudy and his former/current FBI buddies/Trump supporters were just circle-jerking each other, and didn’t have as much insider knowledge as they hoped. I know everybody wanted a super sexy October surprise, but you’ll have to settle for Anthony Weiner’s dick being the Trojan horse that unlocked Huma Abedin’s work-from-home habits. Sorry if that’s not enough for you, America. Elect Trump as president, and you’ll probably get an “October Surprise” about once a week if that’s what floats your boat. I mean hey, who doesn’t want to see the movie Idiocracy played out in real time? It’ll give us more moments like this.

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