President Camacho Is The Soul Of Compassion: Puerto Rico Edition

There was a wee bit of a controversy this past weekend when the Orange Don decided to distract people from his piss-poor leadership skills get in a pissing contest with the NFL. Since Friday, when Trump decided to unload his purse at an Alabama rally for failed Alabama senatorial candidate Luther Strange, we here at GossiPol did the hard job:

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Ahem. We did the – difficult – job of tallying Trump’s Tweefs by subject matter. The total from Friday to Monday is as follows:

• Fake News: 2 Tweefs

• Alabama Senatorial Race: 3 Tweefs

• How Shitty the UN Is: 1 Tweef

• Attention-Stealing Hurricanes: 4 Tweefs

• Healthcare (a.k.a. dragging John McCain for wanting to insure sick people): 7 Tweefs

• The First Lady, Melanoma or Whatever: 1 Tweef

• Iran Maybe Getting Nuked: 1 Tweef

• Right After North Korea: 1 Tweef

• But Not Before THEY’RE FIRED – I mean, BANNED: 1 Tweef

• How Beautiful That Dump of a White House Is: 1 Tweef

• FUCK THOSE KNEELING, UPPITY BLACK PEOPLE IN THE NFL AND NBA: 19 Tweefs

That is not a typo, America. Four times (which is being generous, since three of those are consecutive Tweefs about Puerto Rico – more on that in a minute), our Orange Overlord multi-tasked and graciously turned his attention to the suffering of people devastated by three consecutive hurricanes while dropping a KFC deuce. Nineteen times, he decided to shank at professional athletes for being disrespectful to our anthem. How dare they! That’s his job, dammit!

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Four versus nineteen. Nineteen is more Tweefs than four. A LOT more.

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Don’t worry, though – he only Tweefed less about Hurricane Maria because of the care, attention, and detail he poured into those messages. Haha, LOL, just kidding, he’s still an asshole. Of course he’s the worst and of course his Twitter messages were the exact opposite of thoughtful and professional.

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When you look at Trump’s Tweefs, it’s almost like he’s jealous of the hurricane because it got to kill so many more Hispanics than he has. Maybe he’ll catch up before he’s impeached his term is up. Leave it to Trump, though, to find the most callous way to promise he’d deliver hurricane relief. Puerto Rico was poor and Hispanic before the hurricane got there. Don’t blame him if those dirty Mexicans can’t find a way to repay their debts! Why don’t they just declare bankruptcy like any self-respecting white con man businessman? Oh yeah…because for a long time, they were legally barred from doing so. Can you imagine how the Kumquat Despot would react if he was never allowed to declare bankruptcy?

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Yeah, we imagine it’d look something like that. Well, America, we can finally say, after nine months, we have a president who is qualified for the job. After all, if anybody knows bankruptcy, it’s Donald J. Trump.

Yesterday, President Camacho had a press conference that didn’t exactly assuage people’s fears about his bass ackwards priorities. From Mediaite:

“‘To me the NFL situation is a very important situation. I’ve heard that before about — was I preoccupied? — not at all,’ said Trump. ‘I have plenty of time on my hands. All I do is work, and to be honest with you, that’s an important function of working. It is called respect for our country.’”

We knew eventually that the Apricot Asshole would have a Freudian slip and accidentally admit that he has “plenty of time on his hands.” Donald, gurl:

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It’s obvious. Your Tweefing schedule is about as regular as your trips to your tacky-ass golf courses. I mean, we’re constantly on the Internets, but we’re just an asshole political dick-joke blog. What’s your excuse Mr. President?

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Right. That makes sense.

If, unlike our President, you actually want to help the more than 3 million victims in Puerto Rico, HERE’S a link to One America Appeal, a charity touted by all our living former presidents (any one of whom we’d take over the coked-up orangutan currently occupying the Oval Office). You can specify that the aid be donated to victims of Hurricane Maria.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Imgur, SBS.au, Giphy, Twitter, Giphy, Giphy, Laughing GIF

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Teen Heartthrob Steve Bannon Removes White Hood And Cloak For 60 Minutes Interview

It feels like only yesterday that Daddy Kelly imposed major restrictions on the Orange Don. Even though those restrictions are totally chafing his Cheeto-pimpled ass, President Donald J. Trump is way too lazy to do anything about it. That means he doesn’t get to enjoy former pasttimes like reading Breitbart on the shitter.

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More importantly, Daddy Kelly forced the Orange Don to break up with his toxic ex, Steve Bannon. Now that Bannon is no longer lurking around the White House to whisper sweet dog whistles nothings into President Camacho’s ear, he decided to get his ex-girlfriend’s attention the only way he knew how: by doing a televised interview. You can see the full interview and transcript here. We highly recommend you watch the full video, because there is nothing that compares to seeing STEAMING HOT SLICE OF MAN Steve Bannon wearing TWO button-up shirts with the top two buttons undone for RAW SEX APPEAL.

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Don’t you chicks say Bannon never gave you anything (besides Hep C).

Because ladies like to look their best, Ms. Bannon also decided to shellack a metric ton of foundation all over his face to cover up some – how do we put this delicately – imperfections caused by his ALLEGED alcohol abuse. This led Ann Coulter to feign outrage over how awful 60 Minutes’ editors made him look. We have to say we agree with Ann on this one. How could you possibly make this Casanova look bad!

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We don’t know how those liberal thugs at 60 Minutes sleep at night. Now this may shock you, America, but the head of Breitbart said some super crazy and racist shit. We don’t have time to recap it all, but here are some of the highlights.

We already covered how avowed Catholic Bannon shaded his own church by saying they “needed illegal aliens to fill” their pews. That was just the tip of the xenophobic iceberg.

Charlie Rose: We’re all immigrants. Except the Native Americans –

Bannon: Don’t – don’t give me – this is the thing of the leftists. Charlie, that’s beneath you. America’s built on our citizens. Look at the 19th century. What built America’s called the American system, from Hamilton to Polk to Henry Clay to Lincoln to the Roosevelts. A system of protection of our manufacturing, financial system that lends to manufacturers, OK? And the control of our borders. Economic nationalism is what this country was built on.

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You got that guys? America is for Americans only! This is a system built on her citizens! Citizens like Alexander Hamilton, who technically wasn’t born in America, but whatever. We suppose since he became a Founding Father and isn’t brown-skinned, he gets a pass from Dreamboat Bannon on being a – what do you call it? Oh yeah – an IMMIGRANT. You know, those people who weren’t born in this country but migrate here to adopt its principles, pay its taxes, and build its infrastructure? We won’t even touch the fact that 19th century America was created through slave labor, because we’re sure Bannon would find that to be beneath us.

If you were wondering, America, where Trump got the genius idea to equivocate neo-Nazis with counter-protestors in Charlottesville, look no further than the Jabba the Hutt of carcinogens.

“I was the only guy that came out and tried to defend [Trump]. I was the only guy that said, ‘He’s talking about something, taking it up to a higher level.’ Where does it all go? Where does this end? Does it end in taking down the Washington Monument? [….] What he was trying to say is that people that support the [Confederate] monument staying there peacefully and people that oppose that, that’s the normal course of the First Amendment.”

You guys, we found a picture of “the normal course of the First Amendment” that took place in Charlottesville.

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Here’s another one:

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This is the same bullshit argument that Brian Kilmeade and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke used on Fox and Friends when they compared Confederate memorials to the 9/11 Memorial.

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The analogy doesn’t work because we’re not honoring the cause of people who attacked the United States with things like the Washington Monument and the 9/11 Memorial. Unless these assholes want to erect monuments to King George III and Osama Bin Laden, they should probably stop before they fall right off their self-righteous slippery slope argument and hurt themselves

Don’t say our boy Bannon is a racist, though. Just because he’s a Charlottesville apologist doesn’t mean he’s racist. He’s even been in the same room with minorities on multiple occasions and lived to tell the tale!

“I was raised in a desegregated neighborhood. The north side of Richmond is predominantly black, OK? I went to an integrated school, a Catholic school. I served in the military. I don’t need to be lectured by a bunch of limousine liberals, OK, from the Upper East Side of New York and from the Hamptons, OK, about any of this. My lived experience is that.”

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Hear that, “limousine liberals?” Don’t come at private-school attending, multi-millionaire Harvard grad Stephen K. Bannon, aight? The guy who made a second-generation multi-billionaire president doesn’t need you looking down your noses at him. Just because he hates Mexicans and Black people and Muslims and women. Oh yeah, how could we forget his misogyny?

“[The Access Hollywood tape] is just locker room talk. [….]When you side with a man, you side with him, OK? The good and the bad. You can criticize him behind, but when you side with him, you have to side with him. And that’s what Billy Bush weekend showed me.”

Damn, Bannon is one loyal boyfriend.

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Trump could probably grab his wife and daughter by the pussy right in front of his necrotic face and Bannon wouldn’t say shit to him. Because once Bannon sided with Trump, that was it. No independent thought required after that. Of course, Bannon still rips Trump a new asshole via Breitbart every time his Orange Overlord even thinks about pussing out on building a border wall. But that’s important, not some trivial sexual assault. It’s hard to care about stupid shit like women’s rights when you’ve got two paragons of masculinity running the country.

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Photo Credits: Radio New Zealand, Giphy, Business Insider, Snopes, BuzzFeed, NY Times, geekXpop, Media Matters, Cosmopolitan, Giphy, Giphy

President Camacho Uplifts the Spirits of the People of Texas After Hurricane Harvey

Primarily by providing unintentional comedic relief, but hey, whatever helps. If you look in our not too recent history, you can find several examples of presidents on both sides of the aisle giving, calm, compassionate support to victims on the ground in the aftermath of a natural disaster.

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So it’s not like there’s not a very easy-to-follow blueprint for the Orange Don to use now that a catastrophic Category 4 hurricane flooded Texas and Louisiana, displacing over 360,000 people and killing over 40 as of press time. All he had to do was approximate a semi-human reaction. All he had to do was visit Texas and not talk about himself for an hour or so while looking presidential. Vegas probably didn’t even take odds on whether or not that would happen, because of course it didn’t fucking happen, because we have a spray-tan-soaked man-baby shit-for-brains as a chief executive.

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On Tuesday, the Orange Don made his first trip to Texas and stopped in Corpus Christi, one of the first cities to be wrecked by Harvey when it made landfall during Trump’s Friday news dump. It started off on a tacky note when the First Couple of QVC America wore hats that could be purchased for the LOW, LOW PRICE OF $40! ORDER NOW AND CONTRIBUTE TO THE IMPEACHMENT LEGAL DEFENSE FUND RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN OF DONALD J. TRUMP! FIRST 100 ORDERS RECEIVE A FREE MAIL-ORDER BRIDE! CALL WITHIN FIVE MINUTES AND YOU’LL GET A BRAND-NEW FEMA TRAILER!

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Seriously, don’t order those shitty-ass hats from Trump – you can get them practically anywhere else for a quarter of the price. The profits will go to the much nobler cause of funding the Walton family’s hefty booze bills.

Once he got to Corpus Christi, it didn’t take long for the fuckery to commence at his first briefing. From NPR:

“FEMA Administrator Brock Long also took part in the briefing, after being introduced by the president ‘as a man who’s really been very famous on television over the last couple of days.’ [….] Trump later stood outside the fire station and waved a Texas state flag. ‘Thank you everybody,’ Trump said, saying the response to the storm’s flooding ‘is going well.’ As he looked over the gathering at the station, he declared: ‘What a crowd, what a turnout.’”

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We are never surprised at how inappropriate this man is, but we refuse to stop being grossed out by it. We never want to be okay with the Kumquat Despot using a natural disaster as an opportunity to brag about crowd size. “Aw shucks, you guys traveled all this way to see lil’ ole me?” No, bitch! They came to seek comfort and guidance from the President of the United States. As always, this is not all about you.

Shockingly, the Orange Don didn’t get rave reviews for, as he Tweefed out, “seeing the devastation first-hand.” No, seriously, that’s what he said. It was accompanied by this picture of him looking at a radar map in a conference room.

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Real man of the people, this numb-nuts. So President Camacho was in damage-control mode when he went to Houston on Saturday. That meant he was extra-careful to appear sensitive when he met with people who’d lost literally everything they owned when he appeared at a shelter in Houston. How successful was he? We’ll let you be the judge. From ABC News:

“During [Houston’s NRG Stadium] visit, the president at one point chatted with members of the press, and spoke optimistically about the recovery effort and what he’s seen, saying ‘things are working out well,’ and that the recovery effort has been a ‘beautiful thing’ for the country.

‘They were just happy, we saw a lot of happiness,’ the president said of his interactions with storm victims. ‘It’s been really nice, it’s been a wonderful thing… as tough as this was, it’s been a wonderful thing I think even for the country to watch and the world to watch, it’s been beautiful.’”

 

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Don’t worry, he also maintained his presidential composure when he thanked the Coast Guard for their bravery in rescuing people from the torrential flood waters. Luckily for him, he didn’t mention how he still wants to cut $1 billion from their budget. But of course, he couldn’t resist nursing his grudge with the media while honoring the nation’s heroes, because it’s called CLASS, people. From Mediaite:

“As Trump gave a brief address commending the Coast Guard, he dropped a snide insinuation about how media people wouldn’t dare run towards disaster or save lives unless they can get a story out of it. ‘I hear the Coast Guard saved…almost 11,000 people by going into winds the media would not go into,’ Trump said while pointing at the cameras. ‘They will not go into those winds unless it’s a really good story, in which case they will.’”

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It gets worse, though. If you thought, after Tuesday’s trip, that we’d safely escaped Trump’s first natural disaster as president without him referring to his imaginary monster cock, you were wrong, Nation. You were so very, very wrong. Because when Trump met with storm victims in Houston, his id took over. And yes, the Apricot Asshole had to mention his super-masculine, not-at-all dainty, tea-pouring hands. From The Independent:

“Video [….] of President Trump’s visit to the NRG Center shows him putting on gloves to help with the hand-out at a food serving line before turning to where the press are gathered and saying ‘my hands are too big.’”

Sure, OJ Simpson!

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You know he really wanted to say, “It’s OK, folks! President Big Dick is here! I know you were worried about losing all your earthly possessions just a minute ago. But then you saw my cock-sure stride, and you forgot all about it. With a schlong this big, how could I not solve all your problems? Alright, gotta get these gloves on so I can hand out food, but don’t be offended if my MASSIVE PENIS gets in the way. You might get a side of DEEZ NUTS instead of potato chips, but that’s the chance you take!”

As confident as we are in the President Super Schlong’s ability to cock-slap a hurricane into submission, we’re still hedging our bets and donating to the worthy causes listed below.

To donate to the Episcopal Relief & Development Fund, click here.

To donate to the Texas Diaper Bank, click here.

To donate to the Humane Society’s Disaster Relief Fund, click here.

To donate to Direct Relief, click here. Ebay is matching donations made via PayPal.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Indy 100, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Mediaite, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy

America, Meet Your New Stepdad: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly

We were just getting to know our first dad, whose porn name (and actual name?) was Rinse Pubis. He’d taken us out to a few Sunday talk shows. He gave us a tour of his office, which was quickly interrupted when Tangerine Mommy Trump called him into her office to swat a pesky fly. It was really awkward when Daddy Pubis swatted Stephen Miller instead, but Stephen was super-cool about it (happens all the time). Daddy Pubis even asked us if we’d mind him marrying our mom. He promised he’d be the coolest Dad ever, and we could even call him Reek if that made us more comfortable.

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Tangerine Mom seemed happy. As happy as she ever gets. She’s always yelling about ratings and crowd size, but that’s just her. Most men don’t get that complaining about the most trivial, superficial shit is just Tangerine Mom’s way of letting off steam after an intense, 15-minute-long intelligence briefing. But Daddy Pubis had finally come around, and he was ready to make a big commitment after seven long months of courtship. He’d even traveled with Tangerine Mom to Long Island. If that isn’t love, we don’t know what is. Just when we’d finally gotten used to having a nuclear family – Tangerine Mom ghosted Daddy Pubis.

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It’s hard to believe, America, that our mom, who’s been married three times already, would tire of a man so quickly, but she did. Not only did she break up with Daddy Pubis on Twitter of all places, but she already had herself another man: former Department of Homeland Security Secretary, John Kelly.

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John Kelly does not want us to call him Dad, but we do it anyway, just because we know it pisses him off. Daddy Kelly is definitely not trying to get in our good graces. It was hard enough for him to leave his DHS wife for Tangerine Mom. He doesn’t have time to try and bond with us on Sunday news shows the way Daddy Pubis had done. No, Daddy Kelly, to prove his ardor for Tangerine Mom, is doing the unthinkable: he’s trying to block Tangerine Mom’s serious Twitter habit.

When they first got together, everybody was talking about how Daddy Kelly had really changed Tangerine Mom. She was different this time, they said. Just a few days into the job, all the media outlets were breathlessly describing how Daddy Kelly had finally convinced Momma Trump not to act like a rabid asshole on social media. How Daddy Kelly was the shining knight that swept Tangerine Mom off her feet and made her forget all about her grievances with the Fake News media.

Of course that’s all bullshit. America, we’ve known Tangerine Mom our entire lives, and we’re here to tell you: after 71 years of being an entitled asshole, Tangerine Mom ain’t gonna change for nobody. If respect for the office of president, fear of offending allies, and basic human decency isn’t enough to induce Tangerine Mom to quit bitching about all the “haters and losers” on social media, Daddy Kelly sure as hell ain’t gonna do the job. And sure enough, Tangerine Mom is back to her old habits again:

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Here’s just a sampling of the stupid shit Trump’s Tweefed out since Daddy Kelly came into the Oval Office:

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We appreciated Daddy Kelly’s gruff but loving exterior while he was our stepdad. And we say “was,” because we give him six months, tops, before Tangerine Mom moves on to her next conquest like the succubus she is.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Pinterest, Tumblr, Giphy, Tenor, WKMG, KWQC, Wikimedia Commons, Giphy