The Bubble Wrap President

When the alt-right coined the term “Snowflake,” they must have been looking into a crystal ball at their future lord and savior, Cheeto Jesus President Donald J. Trump. Minorities, peaceful protests, Rosie O’Donnell – you name it, it gets under the Kumquat Despot’s skin.

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The last two weeks have seen a Category 5 orange shit storm wreck the United States via Twitter. President Camacho has been feuding with everybody. Right after Hurricane Maria ravaged Puerto Rico, he called the mayor of its capital city “nasty” and an “ingrate” who “wants everything done for [her].” Of course, she totally deserved to be called out for the unpardonable offense of – gasp – criticizing the President’s disaster relief response. Which, as we’ve covered here at GossiPol before, was not great.

Trump also had “plenty of time” to spare to drag all the uppity Black athletes who took a knee during the pre-game national anthem. The coked-up orangutan felt it was an “important function of working” to Tweef about how NFL players don’t respect our military half so much as a five-time draft-dodger who hates on POWs as a hobby.

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So impassioned is our Commander In Chief about respect for our military, he sent a fully-functioning GOP action figure (complete with amorphous Ken doll genitalia, no doubt) to waste almost $250,000 of taxpayer money on a five minute counter-protest. From CNN:

“[Vice President] Pence left the [Colts-49ers] game after some players knelt during the National Anthem, saying he did not want to ‘dignify’ the demonstration. ‘I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem,’ Pence wrote on Twitter. [….] President Donald Trump tweeted afterward that he asked Pence to leave the stadium. [….] The grand total [cost of his hours-long trip to Indianapolis]: about $242,500.”

Upon hearing that, every taxpayer in America was like:

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Of course, it’s not a Category 5 orange shit storm if Trump doesn’t cut off his nose to spite his face. To date, he is still in a shade war with outgoing Republican Senator Bob Corker. It looks like Sen. Corker is now having second thoughts about helping to elect a sociopathic narcissist to our nation’s highest office. And now, Ms. Corker is not holding shit back. Oh, at all.

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From Politico:

“Earlier Sunday, Trump and Corker launched criticisms at each other via Twitter, with Trump firing the first salvo, writing that “Corker ‘begged’ me to endorse him for re-election in Tennessee. I said ‘NO’ and he dropped out (said he could not win without my endorsement).” In another post, Trump added that the Tennessee senator “also wanted to be Secretary of State, I said ‘NO THANKS.’ He is also largely responsible for the horrendous Iran Deal!”

Corker quickly responded with his own online post, writing that “it’s a shame the White House has become an adult day care center. Someone obviously missed their shift this morning.””


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Now Republicans are freaking out. They’re really starting to feel that the price of electing one of their own to the White House, regardless of qualifications, ain’t cheap. But only a few of them are freaking out for the right reasons.

You see, America, as entertaining as all of this fuckery is, it shouldn’t be our main focus. The sideshow is both the symptom and the disease of our mentally ill POTUS. His handling of the natural disaster in Puerto Rico is the perfect example of how Donald J. Trump is what we are now calling the Bubble Wrap President.

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When Hurricane Maria devastated the island nation, it was a turning point for the Trump administration. Dear Leader was already starting to show signs that perhaps he wasn’t going to be the “consoler in chief” people come to expect out of the President in times of crisis, at least judging from his tone-deaf handling of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. Before he even had a chance to visit the island, Trump made clear he gave approximately zero fucks about 3.4 million American citizens living without food, water, or power. He Tweefed about pretty much everything but Puerto Rico, and only seemed to care when the mayor of San Juan shanked at him on national television. His first show of “empathy” came by way of Tweefs simultaneously promising help and admonishing Puerto Rico for their debt crisis.

Trump’s babysitters staff did not miss these warning signs. It was obvious to them – and to anyone with a set of functioning eyeballs and earballs – that if they sent the Kumquat Despot into the bleak and desperate aftermath of a hurricane, he would confirm that he didn’t give a KFC-induced shit about any of the people there. But keeping him away from the devastation would seem equally heartless. So they compromised. From the Washington Post:

The Puerto Rico that President Trump saw during his four-hour visit on Tuesday afternoon was that of Angel Pérez Otero, the mayor of Guaynabo, a wealthy San Juan suburb known for its amenity-driven gated communities that was largely spared when Hurricane Maria hit two weeks ago. [….] If the president had traveled a little deeper into the island, to the communities that sustained some of the heaviest damage, he would have witnessed a very different Puerto Rico. [….] More than 1,200 homes were flattened or suffered major damage [in the neighboring village]. At least one person at a shelter died of diabetes complications after not having access to medical care, and two people killed themselves.

[….] After the neighborhood tour in Guaynabo, Trump traveled to the nearby Calvary Chapel, an evangelical church that’s especially popular with conservatives and mainland Americans who have moved to Puerto Rico. [….] Trump continued into the church, where he was greeted by several dozen members and others who cheered his arrival. A few people in the crowd shouted that they loved him or held signs that read ‘Proud Americans,’ ‘Let’s Make Puerto Rico Great Again’ and ‘God Bless You, Mr. President.’ At least one person wore a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. [….] As he handed out some smaller flashlights, he declared: ‘Flashlights, you don’t need them anymore.’”

Trump’s handlers covered the Orange Don gently in bubble wrap to protect him from the big, bad world (or is it the other way around?). They made sure he bypassed the real aftermath of Hurricane Maria and led him gently into a propagandistic campaign rally instead. What’s more, it’s clear that Trump has no idea that’s what happened.

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So when Trump sees people criticizing him on his beloved morning news shows for proclaiming that he’s done a “great job” on Puerto Rico, he legitimately doesn’t understand why. In a painfully ironic twist, if he was confronted with the truth of his aides essentially lying to him to keep him from seeing the bigger picture, he wouldn’t be able to handle that either. The reason they lie to him in the first place is to keep him from doing all the stupid, impulsive shit he used to do when he was everyone’s favorite reality star/bankruptcy expert. Without smoke screens like the one deployed in Puerto Rico, Trump would’ve already withdrawn from NAFTA and fired Robert Mueller.

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So when you see Trump gleefully firing off 19 Tweefs in a single weekend while on a golfing vacation, bear in mind that Trump is doing that because he thinks he has successfully president-ed away all the world’s problems. Oh, that pesky North Korea thing? The one he ominously Tweefed about this past weekend?

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Don’t worry, America – he doesn’t really think he’s starting an actual war. That’s the consequence of having a Bubble Boy for a President. Trump has become so insulated from the real-life repercussions of his actions, he probably thinks “war” is just some sort of reality competition with Kim Jong-Un. Whoever gets better ratings during Sweeps is the “winner.” The fact that he even conceptualizes things like global thermonuclear war in terms of “winners” and “losers” tells you he doesn’t entirely understand the gravity of the situation.

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This is the kind of shit Sen. Corker is trying to warn us about. Because make no mistake: Trump is going to try and declare war on North Korea. The bigger question is whether anybody else in the GOP has the guts to try and stop him – and finally pull Trump out of his bubble.

Photo Credits: Reaction GIFs, The Odyssey Online, Tenor, Reddit, Pinterest, Tenor, Boing Boing, Cuddlebuggery, Tiger Droppings


We’re Back From Vacation, America!

Luckily we didn’t miss anything. The Kumquat Despot is Tweefing incessantly about the NFL, so that means nothing else is going on in the world and everything is perfect.

“North Korea’s top diplomat says President Donald Trump’s tweet that leader Kim Jong Un ‘won’t be around much longer’ was a declaration of war against his country by the United States.”

Oh. We see.

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Wow. Okay. This is only slightly less stressful than dragging two kids under three on a week-long tour of the great state of Oregon. They were good under the circumstances, but let us paint a picture for you on what the last day looked like.

We stopped at a Hood River vineyard on the way home to pick up a few bottles of wine (one for the housesitter, one for each set of grandparents). Naturally, the kids had fucking had it with riding in the car. As soon as they set foot outside that car, it was like unleashing the kraken on that tiny, unsuspecting vineyard. There were couples lazing about on the porch, peacefully drinking wine without a care in the world. We vaguely remember what that was like.

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But their peace was rudely shattered by two hellspawn kids – one screaming his head off, the other running around in circles, picking up every glass she could find and screaming, “Mommy! Daddy! Momdad! Dadmom! NO CAR!!! POOOOOTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” The people at this winery rightly looked at us like we were the worst people on the planet. We were about as welcome in that vineyard as a screaming baby at a Trump rally.

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In the ten minutes it took us to sample four wines, pay for the bottles, and GTFO, we probably ended up with lower approval ratings than the current POTUS. Everybody gave us the death stare. Judgment was shooting out of their eyeballs, like RuPaul when one of her Drag Race contestants tells her, “I don’t sew.”

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You’d think we’d done something deplorable like taken a knee at a NASCAR race, or taken away healthcare from over 20 million people. But if you think about it, we had done something pretty deplorable: We subjected all of these blissfully childless couples to a glimpse of the dire hellscape that awaits them when they become parents. That can never be forgiven.

Long story short, every single one of those people would vote my kids into office over Donald J. Trump after the shit that went down this past week. We would too.

Photo Credits: Tenor, ABC News, Goode, Tenor, Buzzfeed, Pinterest

World War III With North Korea: How Trump Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb

President Teddy Roosevelt was a great man. He served his country with the Rough Riders, explored new territory in the Americas, and won a Nobel Peace Prize. As president, his foreign policy exemplified one of his favorite sayings: “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” President Donald J. Trump is not a great man. He is an even worse president. His foreign policy can be best summarized thusly: “Speak loudly, and carry a little dick.”

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Only seven months in, Trump is an abject, miserable failure as president. We tried to warn y’all, America, but your glue sniffing habit got in the way of your ability to listen to good advice. Some people are surprised at the fact that a man who dodged the draft five times, married three times (as of press time), and declared bankruptcy six times ended up being a terrible choice to lead the country, but some people also still think John Travolta isn’t gay. Never underestimate humanity’s ability to lie to itself is all we’re saying. So here we are, in the midst of a nuclear game of chicken with North Korea. A sociopath currently has the nuclear codes, and we leave it to you, gentle reader, to determine whether we’re talking about Kim Jong-Un or Donald Trump (hint: it’s both – we’re talking about both of them).

A few short days ago, our intelligence agencies brought us the harrowing news that North Korea is now able to put nuclear warheads on top of a missile. This makes it increasingly likely that Kim Jong-Un is going to be able to make good on the last part of the phrase, “Talk shit, get hit.”

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Thankfully, our level-headed commander-in-chief took a measured approach to this crisis. We’re just fucking with you – don’t you know by now that the Orange Don has never met a problem he couldn’t solve with bombastic rhetoric and Tweefing? The Kumquat Despot took time out of his busy golfing schedule to respond to this news in the worst way possible. From NBC News:

“‘North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States,’ the president warned, responding to a reporter’s question at his Bedminster Golf Club, where Trump has spent the last several days. ‘They will be met with fire, fury, and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.’”

If we weren’t so lazy, we would compile a list of quotes from Scarface and the president and dare people to tell us the difference. Seriously, you guys, does this not sound like Al Pacino with a shitty New York accent in place of a shitty Cuban one?

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This dick-swinging took Trump’s Cabinet by surprise, though we don’t know why they don’t just expect their boss to do the most moronic thing possible at any given time. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and Defense Secretary James Mattis both tried to downplay that Trump basically promised to nuke North Korea for verbal threats alone. Of course, our Apricot Overlord wasn’t having any of that shit. From CNBC:

“‘If anything, maybe that statement wasn’t tough enough,’ he told reporters at his New Jersey golf club. [….] North Korea’s state media responded by saying the country was considering a plan to attack the U.S. territory of Guam. [….] ‘Let’s see what [Kim Jong-Un] does with Guam. If he does something in Guam, it will be an event the likes of which nobody’s seen before, what will happen in North Korea,’ Trump told reporters Thursday. He added that his comments on Guam were not a ‘dare,’ just a ‘statement of fact.’”

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After seven months of whatever it is you want to call this presidency, we’ve learned one thing: tell Trump not to do something, and he’ll do the opposite just to spite you. The surest way to end this crisis is to have the LAMESTREAM MEDIA write an op-ed in which they say the following: “President Trump is far too much of a pussy to solve this détente with North Korea through diplomatic means. We highly recommend the nuclear option.” This shit would be over TOMORROW if WaPo ran that article.

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Sadly, we all know how this ends. There is no amount of self-delusion that can conceal the fact that Donald J. Trump is one vain motherfucker. The superficial is pretty much the only thing that matters with him, which is why things like crowd size and poll numbers take up so much of Trump’s mental energy. Advancing policy is the absolute last thing this dickhead cares about. No, it’s much more important that everyone knows he has a huge dick than it is for him to decide on a cohesive strategy for the war in Afghanistan.

The end game for him is not to come to a reasonable, peaceful conclusion that will result in as little loss of life as possible. No, the end game for the Orange Don is to appear to be powerful. That’s it. Just like his beautiful chocolate cake conversation with Xi Jinping, Trump just wants everyone to know he’s a big shot. In that scenario, it was important to him that the president of China knew that he had the authority to call in an airstrike. The fact that he didn’t even seem to know which country he bombed was of very little consequence to him.

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The same holds true for North Korea. Trump doesn’t care that millions of people may die if the conflict escalates to full-out nuclear war. His only worry is that he looks like the military strongman he sees in his favorite movies. Every other concern is secondary. If Trump could just live out his life like he were the protagonist in his favorite WWE storyline, he would be content.

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Just look at the way he “reassured” the governor of Guam after North Korea threatened a nuclear strike. From Newsweek:

“Republican governor Eddie Baza Calvo posted a recording of the conversation [he had with President Trump] on his Facebook page on Friday. [….] ‘Don’t worry about a thing,’ President Trump responded. “They should have had me eight years ago…I have to say, Eddie, you’re going to become extremely famous. All over the world they’re talking about Guam and they’re talking about you. And your tourism, I can say this, your tourism is going to go up like tenfold with the expenditure of no money, so I congratulate you,’ Trump can be heard saying over the phone.”

In Trump’s mind, Governor Calvo shouldn’t be worried about the possibility of a nuclear strike, but about his fame quotient. Trump didn’t call to reassure him that Guam would be safe from North Korea’s bomb threats – he called him to assuage Governor Calvo’s Trump’s fears that the island would remain a popular tourist destination. Because in Trump’s world, the house could be going up in flames – so long as the ashes have Trump’s gold-plated logo on them.

All we’re saying, America, is that you should practice your duck and cover a few more times.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Vanity Fair, Snark Squad, Tenor, Giphy, Giphy, WiffleGIF, Mic, Tumblr