The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: President Donald J. Trump

There’s lots of groundbreaking world news we missed during our extended absence. Probably the most earth-shattering was the revelation that Donald Trump has a friend. That friend took the form of a carefully orchestrated distraction from the ineptitude of the Trump administration letter written by a 9-year-old boy whose friends call him “Pickle.” Here’s that letter in all its glory:

We know this letter excited the Orange Don for two reasons: First, because he finally had someone to talk to that could match the eloquence of his Twitter feed. Second, because he had his over-it lackey, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, read the letter to the press pool.

What a lot of people don’t know, however, is that the Kumquat Despot actually took time out of his busy Tweefing schedule (that’s qweefing out an ill-advised Tweet for all you rookies) to respond to his buddy Pickle’s letter. It went something like this:

Hey Cucumber,

It’s Don. Duh. Thanks for the letter. You could’ve sent me a Tweet, but you’re probably too poor to own a Tweet-making thingy. I’m not poor, though. I’m a billionaire. I’m worth, like, $5, $10, $15, $20 billion – it varies depending on how I feel in the morning. I even earned some of that money myself. What I didn’t lose in bankruptcy or alimony payments, I mean.

Anyway, if you ever decide to get a real job like I did, you should totally get a Tweet-making thingy. It’s great when you’re pushing out a KFC deuce and need something to do. I use it for important unpresidented stuff like calling Rosie O’Donnell fat and wishing all the haters and losers a happy 7/11 – I mean, 9/11. If I don’t like the job one of my babysitters – I mean staffers – is doing, I can use it to fire them, like I did to my old buddy Rinse Pubis. You should see the looks on their faces when they check out my Twitter feed and find out they’ve been shitcanned. Hilarious!

So Rutabaga, what do you like to do for fun? I love golfing. I’m the best at it. I can hit the ball farther than anybody, especially that little pipsqueak Michael Bloomberg. He thinks he’s so great just because he has a shit ton more money than me and is a much better politician. Sad! I like golf because it gives me a chance to get away from this dump of a White House. And I really need to get away. A LOT. It’s hard to appreciate a mansion like the White House when you’ve got a really classy place like Trump Tower to live in. Everything’s gold-plated. Putting gold on stuff means you’re important, and that your dad really loved you. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah – golf.

Golf gives me a chance to show off my sweet bod. I didn’t get married three times for nothing. Women LOVE me. You got that? They LOVE ME. Especially Melanoma, or whatever her name is. She does a lot of little things to show everyone how much she loves being my trophy wife. She plays handsy with me all the time in public. She stayed in New York even after I moved into the White House – just to keep the relationship FRESH and STEAMY. You know what I’m talking about, right Potato? You know life. Kids know life. OK, I’m talking about BONING.

Since we’re on the subject, a little advice about women from a guy who knows. You really wanna impress one, you’ve gotta pull out all the stops. I’m talking furniture shopping, planting fake stories with the Enquirer – whatever it takes to get in her pants. She might act like she’s not interested, just because she’s married or literally in the middle of doing her job, but trust me – she wants it. If you’re getting nowhere, just do what I do – grab her right by the pussy. Don’t let go until she turns 30 (gross!) or her green card expires.

Man, Fennel, you are SO lucky to be getting a letter from a guy like me. I’m really important, and I have the best brain for knowing things. I get the best intel, too. You’ll never believe this shit we got from the Israelis. They told us…damn, gotta go. Daddy Kelly is calling me. He says it’s time for a nap, but I’M NOT TIRED! I’ll show his ass. I’ll sic Bannon (if he ever stops sucking his own cock) or Kellyanne on him. Smell ya later, Turnip.

Your Friend,

Donnie

P.S. Have you seen my poll numbers? They’re amazing. Big league.

P.P.S. Write again. I’m not lonely or anything, just wanna see how losers like you live.

 

You guys, we think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We’ll check in with Donald and his Pee Pee (that’s short for “pen pal,” get your minds out of the gutter!) periodically and see how they’re getting along. In the meantime, we leave you with Donnie Boy making a toot toot on a vroom vroom like a big boy!

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Photo Credits: Big Daddy Said, Mediaite, Giphy

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Bless Your Heart: The Kellyanne Conway Edition

At this point, the Trump Administration has stopped pretending that they’re not going to do a real-life reenactment of George Orwell’s 1984. At least we have Kellyanne Conway’s pleasant, albeit vapid intonations to lead us into our future dystopia. Our favorite crispy-fried Stepford Wife appeared on Meet the Press this past weekend to attempt the impossible: explain why her sociopathic orangutan boss was so obsessed with the size of his – crowd. From CNN:

“In an interview on NBC’s ‘Meet the Press,’ host Chuck Todd pressed Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway about why the White House on Saturday had sent Spicer to the briefing podium for the first time to claim that ‘this was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.’

‘You’re saying it’s a falsehood. And they’re giving — Sean Spicer, our press secretary — gave alternative facts,’ she said.”

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Oh bless your heart, Kellyanne – are you actually starting to believe the crazy shit that is flying out of your mouth? As Chuck Todd rightly pointed out, “alternative facts” is just a fancy way of saying:

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Maybe check out the Merriam-Webster definition of a word before you try to use it. Or just, you know – try not to lie so much.

Photo Credits: GiphyGIF Sec, Reaction GIF

Kellyanne Conway Enters The Trump-Brand, Super-Classy, Yugely Successful Game of Thrones

We have a new player, America! Welcome Trump spokesperson and deranged, crispy-fried Stepford Wife Kellyanne Conway to the Game, seen here looking delighted at the prospect of having completely butt-fucked the country she supposedly loves:

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Our girl Kellyanne has been dubbed “The Trump Whisperer” after she was able to housebreak a sociopathic orangutan. Of course she failed miserably at preventing him from shitting the bed during her run as his campaign co-chair, but she was successful at convincing Middle America that a 70-year-old spoiled man-baby actually gives enough fucks about them to Make America Great Again.

The secret to her success? Wait, look over there! Shiny object! No, don’t actually look over there. We mean that’s part of her strategy. Jesus, America, you fall for that trick every time, don’t you? Anyway, pretty much every interview with Kellyanne consisted of the following three-step process:

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No, not that three-step process, this one:

Step One: Interviewer asks tough question about any number of shitty things the Orange Don has done.

Step Two: Kellyanne chastises the interviewer for asking such a tough question.

Step Three: Kellyanne then rambles on through gritted teeth about any number of things that don’t involve how terrible her candidate is. Among her favorites are conspiracy theories about liberals, bitching about the media, and oh, shiny objects! Wouldn’t we much rather talk about shiny objects than about what a racist, sexist pig her boss is?

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Our girl Kellyanne worked really hard to cover up her boss’ various pussy-grabbing misdeeds, and was punished rewarded with a mysterious “big position” in Trump’s new administration. In the meantime, though, she remains Trump’s babysitter spokesperson. Normally a spokesperson is supposed to be – you know, professional – but our girl Kellyanne threw out the rulebook on Sunday during an interview with CNN’s Dana Bash. When asked about the possibility of Trump picking Mitt Romney as Secretary of State, Kellyanne had this to say:

“I’m all for party unity, but I’m not sure we have to pay for that with the secretary of state position. It’s just breathtaking in scope and intensity the type of messages I’ve received from all over the country … the number of people who feel betrayed to think that Gov. Romney would get the most prominent Cabinet post after he went so far out of his way to hurt Donald Trump.”

Much like other Trump-brand Game of Thrones players, Kellyanne has decided to take the not-so-subtle route in telling her boss she thinks he’s a fucking idiot. Needless to say, Trump didn’t take too kindly to that shit. Two sources from the Trump camp said the Orange Don is “furious” that our girl Kellyanne is “pushing her own agenda” instead of doing her job like a normal person. Hmmm, wonder who those “two sources” could be? Does one of them look like he’s winning his battle against bulimia and alcohol abstention, while the other looks like a total narc?

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Are we really surprised that Trump’s administration is already cannibalizing itself? I mean, when you look at the great role model they have at the top, why wouldn’t it be every man or woman for themselves?

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If you’re in Trump’s administration, you’ve got approximately a year or two before Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget either fires you for some indiscernible reason or he gets impeached. You might as well take everything you can get before you find yourself in the unemployment line. Because in the Trump-Brand Game of Thrones, you either win, or you – well, actually, nobody wins the Trump-brand Game of Thrones, least of all America.

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Photo Credits: The Telegraph, Mofo Politics, YouTube, Tumblr, Fox News, Giphy, Pop Sugar