Breaking News: President Camacho STILL Hates Immigrants

When we say “Breaking News,” we mean it entirely in the CNN sense of the word, as in not breaking, not new, and not at all surprising. On Tuesday, the Orange Don sent his house elf Attorney General out to break the bad news that he was rescinding DACA. The Obama-era immigration policy allowed undocumented immigrants who entered the US as minor children to get work permits. People with serious criminal records or who did not graduate from high school were not eligible for the program. Of course, we can’t have that shit. Not on Donald J. Trump’s watch! From PBS Newshour:

“The Trump administration announced Tuesday it would scale back [DACA]. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in the announcement that Congress will have time — six months — to draft legislation that would protect these immigrants known as ‘dreamers’ before permits begin to expire March 5, 2018. [….] ‘If we were to keep the Obama Administration’s executive amnesty policy, the likeliest outcome is that it would be enjoined [….]. The Department of Justice has advised the President and the Department of Homeland Security that DHS should begin an orderly, lawful wind down, including the cancellation of the memo that authorized this program.’”


We’re sure Sessions moved the podium a few inches when he made this announcement. Oppressing minorities just gets Ms. Sessions so hot and bothered.

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We can’t even say that this was Trump fulfilling a campaign promise, since he’s said both that he wanted to end DACA and that Dreamers didn’t have anything to worry about because he has a “big heart.” To be fair to Trump, though, he’s clearly not very good at estimating size, so he wasn’t intending to lie when he said he had a big heart.

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If only the Apricot Asshole admired people the way he admires golf and gold-plated toilets, the world would be a better place. But because the orange-tinted man-baby that currently occupies the White House is nothing if not stalwart in his political views, he’s Tweefed out a series of cohesive messages affirming his position on DACA. We’re just fucking with you, OF COURSE he’s all over the map. After all, it’s hard choosing between sucking off his white-hooded political base and being a loved and respected world leader. First, he re-Tweeted a message from a Russian bot his Twitter fan group “The Trump Train” that read:

“We are a nation of laws. No longer will we incentivize illegal immigration.”

You hear that, immigrants? FUCK YOU! Country’s full! No vacancy! Except, hold on, the President is Tweefing again.

“Congress now has 6 months to legalize DACA (something the Obama Administration was unable to do). If they can’t, I will revisit this issue!”

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What are you going to do, big man? ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT YOU JUST GOT YOUR MIDGET ATTORNEY GENERAL TO TELL US WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL? THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO! Alright, sorry America – we’re yelling again. We just still can’t believe that the Kumquat Despot hasn’t gotten around to watching that Schoolhouse Rock separation of powers episode.

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Why bother when you can learn everything there is to know about racism immigration from your ex-girlfriend, Steve Bannon? We’ll get to his sorry ass later when his 60 Minutes episode airs this weekend, but we’re already anticipating great things from this teaser quote, which truly sums up this administration’s viewpoint on DACA:

“Former White House chief strategist Steven Bannon said the Catholic Church’s support of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, is economically driven and owes to the church’s struggle to fill pews. ‘To come to grips with the problems in the church, they need illegal aliens. They need illegal aliens to fill the churches. It’s obvious on the face of it,’ Bannon said.”

Trump, gurl, quit drunk-dialing your ex! It’s not good for you – or the country.

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The Curious Case of Jeff Sessions’ Charlottesville Interviews

It’s gonna be a long day, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III. Despite the stress, it calmed the Attorney General’s nerves to refer to himself in the third person. His name had a lot of history behind it. A callback to the halcyon days of the Confederacy and its storied leader, Jefferson Davis. That history grounded him in righteousness, and prepared him for times like these. For Jeff Sessions, Confederate soldier American patriot, was going into the lion’s den: the Today show.

Those liberal media vipers were not gonna go easy on him. His boss had already made them mad by giving up the game: he’d refused to condemn the unseemly display of white nationalism that happened in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend.

Of course, the President was right to condemn violence “on all sides,” Jefferson thought. People on both sides – the white nationalists and the anti-fascist protestors – were assaulting each other. It was most vulgar. Especially that unfortunate business with the car. Why couldn’t those so-called “anti-racists” simply sit on their front porch and sip on a sweet tea? Back in my day, we would never have made such a spectacle of ourselves. Jefferson smiled serenely to himself. No siree – back in my day, we never gave anyone cause to suspect that we were trying to root out the scourge of people of color. We were always so careful.

Granted, there were times, Jefferson had to admit, that he was not so careful. That time he said to a colleague in the US Attorney’s Office that he liked the KKK – until he found out they smoked weed. Jefferson chuckled softly to himself. Even though he was foolish to have admitted such in public, that fine jest still made him laugh after all these years. That little kerfuffle was a stumbling block to all the great civil rights work he’d accomplished. He’d gotten so close to convicting Black voting rights activists when he was an assistant AG in Alabama, despite evidence that they were innocent of any wrongdoing. He’d fought bravely against discriminatory legislation like the Violence Against Women Act and hate crime laws while he was a US Senator.

Now that he was THE AG, he could finally fight against the racist policies that were keeping white Americans from getting jobs as crooked cops, or gaining admission into universities. But that position was getting more tenuous by the minute. The president, though he was a great, powerful white man, had his flaws. He was terribly impatient. Things like eliminating so-called “gay rights” and banning Muslims take time. That frustration is just further compounded by all these pesky women getting in the way.

He said the word as a curse. Women. If only men could be born as women, the world could be right again. If a man were born as a woman, she’d know her place – in service to men. Women could be so emotional sometimes. Like that she-devil Coretta Scott-King. Or Sen. Kamala Harris. Or Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Those women – if you could even call them that, for such shrieking banshees were not deserving of the moniker – did everything they could to thwart our plans for making America great again. Their articulateness, their determination, their seeming lack of regard for the opinions of men – they just made Jefferson so nervous.

Best not to think of that, then. It was time for the interview. Jefferson had carefully chosen what he was going to say. It was important to make them think he was condemning the white nationalists.

Oh lord in heaven – a woman and a negro interviewing me? Jefferson took a deep breath. Calm yourself, Jefferson. They’re just trying to rattle you, is all. Say what you practiced, and it’ll all be over soon.

“…the ideology of hatred, violence, bigotry, racism, white supremacy – those things must be condemned in this country, they’re totally unacceptable,” he heard himself say.

Of course, the woman had to bring up the “on many sides” statement. No matter.

“I thought it was a good statement. The next day they explicitly called out the Nazis…”

The black man interrupts. This would never happen in the good old days. Jefferson hated when people interrupted him, especially black people. So long as he didn’t slip and call him “boy,” he’d be alright though.

“The president is appalled by this…”

Again the black boy interrupts! And he has the nerve to bring up white supremacists celebrating the president’s statement.

“They are simply attempting to legitimate themselves in any way possible. This kind of hatred just isn’t part of our heritage.”

There we go. That’ll quiet those squawking birds. Jefferson could never for the life of him understand why the country had gone so downhill as to allow a woman AND a colored address a dignitary like himself in such a manner.

The interview was over almost as soon as it began. Yet despite Jefferson’s best efforts, something troubled him. They didn’t seem like they were buying it. But he’d practiced so well! All of the platitudes had gone off without a hitch. Why did those so-called “reporters” look at him in that way?

And it was then he realized, with a start of horror…

He’d left his white hood on for the entire interview. Again.

Photo Credits: Giphy

The First Week of Cabinet Confirmation Hearings Went Swimmingly

Of course, you guys know we’re being sarcastic, right? If you come to our site enough, you should have a trained ear for that sort of shit by now.

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So yeah, it’s hard to imagine why the Orange Don’s millionaires and billionaires with about fuck all experience in politics amongst them are not doing so hot under the bright lights of the Senate confirmation hearings. We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get right to it.

First up is our favorite, Dr. Ben Carson, Trump’s nominee to head up Housing and Urban Development, for reasons we can only assume are inherently racist (“Who do I know that’s Black that can be in charge of all those disgusting and un-classy structures that ruined my property values?” Trump probably asked his advisors as he furiously Tweefed the wrong Ivanka at 3 in the morning).

We are pleased to announce that Dr. Carson didn’t waver from his daily regimen of what we can only guess are booze and quaaludes just to attend some piss-ant confirmation hearing. He was in rare form as he sleep-talked his way through a series of questions on his lack of qualifications for his job. At one point, he appeared to forget where he was and slurred out to Sen. Sherrod Brown, “You remind me of Columbo.”

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The best, though, was when he got either a little too drunk or a little too honest (or maybe both!) in answering a question from Sen. Elizabeth Warren about whether he would prevent HUD dollars from landing in the Trump family’s pockets. From the Washington Post:

“’It will not be my intention to do anything that will benefit any American,’ Carson said. ‘It’s for all Americans.’”

So yeah, he’s totally getting nominated, you guys. Everybody else in the department will do all the work while they distract their boss with a Slinky. He’ll be so distracted playing with it, giggling to himself on the floor of his office eight hours a day while everyone under him does the important work of housing underprivileged Americans. This is honestly the best-case scenario for a Trump Cabinet pick.

Next up, we have genteel Southern lady, Sen. Jeff Sessions. He stands out among his colleagues for having political experience and not being a millionaire or billionaire (that we know of – we’re too lazy to look that shit up). He blends right in with Trump’s other picks in being utterly unqualified for the job. Trump’s pick for Attorney General has a law degree – it’s just all the subtle racism that’s the problem.

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The best/worst part of his confirmation hearing was when he straight-up said you don’t know shit from shinola if you’re too “secular.” From Slate:

“’And a secular person has just as good a claim to understanding the truth as a person who is religious, correct?’ [Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse asked]. At which point Sessions responded, ‘Well, I’m not sure.’”

This is actually one of the less offensive things Ms. Gen. Beauregard Robert E. Lee Foghorn Leghorn, III has said. From insisting “good people don’t smoke marijuana,” to “I was okay with the KKK until I learned they smoked marijuana,” to “no one [from the Dominican Republic has] a provable skill,” our boy Jeff is going to fit right in when the Senate that found him too racist to serve as a federal judge allows him to become one of our worst AG’s ever.

Finally, we have Putin’s Trump’s pick for Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. He spent more than eight hours in his confirmation hearing. It’s surprising things took that long considering he answered almost zero questions about his foreign policy outlook. When Sen. Marco Rubio asked him whether he supported Trump, Jr.’s – I mean Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte’s bloody drug war – Tillerson didn’t want to answer, saying he didn’t have all the information. To which Rubio responded (paraphrasing): “Bitch, I got it from the LA Times.”

He was equally reticent about his former company ExxonMobil’s lobbying against climate change. When Sen. Tim Kaine challenged him on the issue, it was the old man bitch fight everyone was hoping for. From the Washington Post:

“At one point, Tillerson had a testy exchange with Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va.), the former vice presidential candidate, about whether ExxonMobil had for decades concealed from investors and the public what it knew about the science of climate change — going as far as paying outside groups, Kaine said, to raise doubts about the growing scientific consensus around the problem.

‘I’m in no position to speak’ on behalf of company executives, Tillerson said, dodging the senator’s questions about the company where he worked for 40 years. ‘You would have to speak to them.’

Kaine continued to press Tillerson about his knowledge of ExxonMobil’s history on climate change. Tillerson continued to refer him to the company he led until recently.

At one point, Kaine asked, ‘Do you lack the knowledge to answer my question, or are you refusing to do so?’

‘A little of both,’ Tillerson responded.”

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What our likely future Secretary of State is telling us, America, is that his potential business conflicts and shady dealings are none of your damn bidness. And you worried about electing Hillary Clinton because of her lack of transparency. Oh, irony.

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