We’re Back From Vacation, America!

Luckily we didn’t miss anything. The Kumquat Despot is Tweefing incessantly about the NFL, so that means nothing else is going on in the world and everything is perfect.

“North Korea’s top diplomat says President Donald Trump’s tweet that leader Kim Jong Un ‘won’t be around much longer’ was a declaration of war against his country by the United States.”

Oh. We see.

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Shit.

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Wow. Okay. This is only slightly less stressful than dragging two kids under three on a week-long tour of the great state of Oregon. They were good under the circumstances, but let us paint a picture for you on what the last day looked like.

We stopped at a Hood River vineyard on the way home to pick up a few bottles of wine (one for the housesitter, one for each set of grandparents). Naturally, the kids had fucking had it with riding in the car. As soon as they set foot outside that car, it was like unleashing the kraken on that tiny, unsuspecting vineyard. There were couples lazing about on the porch, peacefully drinking wine without a care in the world. We vaguely remember what that was like.

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But their peace was rudely shattered by two hellspawn kids – one screaming his head off, the other running around in circles, picking up every glass she could find and screaming, “Mommy! Daddy! Momdad! Dadmom! NO CAR!!! POOOOOTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” The people at this winery rightly looked at us like we were the worst people on the planet. We were about as welcome in that vineyard as a screaming baby at a Trump rally.

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In the ten minutes it took us to sample four wines, pay for the bottles, and GTFO, we probably ended up with lower approval ratings than the current POTUS. Everybody gave us the death stare. Judgment was shooting out of their eyeballs, like RuPaul when one of her Drag Race contestants tells her, “I don’t sew.”

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You’d think we’d done something deplorable like taken a knee at a NASCAR race, or taken away healthcare from over 20 million people. But if you think about it, we had done something pretty deplorable: We subjected all of these blissfully childless couples to a glimpse of the dire hellscape that awaits them when they become parents. That can never be forgiven.

Long story short, every single one of those people would vote my kids into office over Donald J. Trump after the shit that went down this past week. We would too.

Photo Credits: Tenor, ABC News, Goode, Tenor, Buzzfeed, Pinterest

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President Camacho Names His Son-In-Law Senior White House Advisor

And why not, America? He checks all the boxes. He’s a multi-millionaire who has no political experience – he’ll fit right in with the rest of the Orange Don’s illustrious cabinet!

Jared Kushner is married to Trump’s favorite child, Stockholm Syndrome Barbie, the way the Orange Don probably wishes he was.

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That will probably come in handy when the Cheeto-encrusted cockatiel gets bored during a policy meeting. Instead of having to dream up some outlandish sexual fantasy to distract himself from his humdrum daily routine of running the country (one in which he probably has MUCH bigger hands), he can just ask his senior advisor what it’s like living the dream of being married to his daughter. Trust us, America, you don’t want the orange-tinted King Joffrey to get bored. He does stuff like this when he’s bored:

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There is the nagging issue of whether it’s – you know, unethical – to hire somebody just because they’re related to you. After President JFK named his brother Bobby Attorney General, Congress decided that they had to pass some sort of law prohibiting that before the government was overrun with Kennedys, qualified and otherwise. That didn’t work out so well for them. But it was still a pretty good idea to put that into law, which you can find here.

There’s a serious question of whether Trump can hire his son-in-law which we’re sure will be drawn out into a messy, prolonged court battle. Kushner says he’s not going to accept a salary while he’s working for the White House. He also claims he’s getting rid of all his business entanglements to prevent a conflict-of-interest, which must be why he schmoozed Chinese businessmen with government ties to $2,100 bottles of Bordeaux just a few days ago. He comes from good, convicted-felon stock, so he learned from the best.

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But hey, hiring a man who breaks serious ethical boundaries is a small price to pay to for peace in the Middle East, amirite? Yeah, that’s right – the sociopathic orangutan who will be in charge of our nuclear codes in a few days actually thinks that his son-in-law will be able to successfully broker a peace deal between Israel and Palestine. Why he thinks this, we don’t know. We suppose the fact that Kushner is Jewish and has brokered real estate deals in the past are the only qualifiers, because there’s no other evidence he’s given to back this up. But hey, Trump still thinks pro-wrestling is real, so perhaps this is just an extension of his blissful fantasy world. Time will tell, America.

Photo Credits: Not EspeciallySand and Glass, Yahoo, Giphy