The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: The Hurricane Trump Edition

Poor, poor President Camacho. He’s under a lot of stress lately. First Daddy Kelly cut off the lifeblood of his paranoid Tweefs (Breitbart) and then a bunch of ratings-whore hurricanes required him to do actual work. And we all know how much the Orange Don hates working.

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A lot of you probably don’t know this, but in times of stress, the Kumquat Despot can be quite eloquent. With the weight of the world bearing down on him due to his complete and utter incompetence the lamestream media, not to mention the fact that his main homegirl and confidante Steve Bannon was unceremoniously dumped by Daddy Kelly, President Camacho needed an outlet for his anxiety. Who better to help him than his friend and erstwhile pen pal, Pickle?

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Because we are a premier political gossip blog, we got a copy of Trump’s second letter to his buddy, 9-year-old POTUS super-fan “Pickle.”

Hey Potato Chip,

How’s it hangin’? Mine are to the ground! Just so you know, I’m talking about deez nutz. You know what I’m talking about. Kids know life. I haven’t heard back since my last letter. Whatever. It probably got lost in the mail. I get shitloads of mail. That’s because I’m an important person. The MOST important person. Only important people get mail like I get mail. Make sure you send that quote to the failing New York Times so they understand how important I am. Sometimes they don’t get the memo. Not that I care. I’m too busy doing grown-up stuff like being President.

Speaking of being unpresidented, Melon Ball, I’m doing a lot of that lately. I don’t know how much Fox News you watch, but if you get your Chief of Staff to turn it on for you, they’ll tell you that I’m pretty much the greatest ever. For example, the hurricanes. There were these tremendous hurricanes that hit some of the loser poor states. At first I thought they were talking about the drink. They’re not booze though. They’re storms.

This one, Harvey, was a Category 5. No, Broccoli Tot, they’re not talking about a woman who looks super-basic – that means a whole fuckload of water gets dumped on beautiful structures. Everyone was super happy about it. Practically nobody died, and if they did they were probably too unsuccessful to care about. Maybe if they had better branding, like the Coast Guard, I would’ve noticed. Me and the Coast Guard saved a bunch of people’s lives. Here I am with two cats:

 

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Don’t look that up. It’s totally me. Believe me. Like I said, Zucchini Bread, the hurricanes were beautiful. When I went to Texas, a bunch of people threw me a campaign rally out of nowhere. That’s what happens when you’re a big shot like me.

Of course, there are a lot of haters and losers out there, Lemon Spritzer, especially on 9/11. You’d think people would show a little respect for me on that day, especially considering Trump Tower was the tallest after those loser Muslims knocked down the Twin Towers. They said I talked during a moment of silence for the 9/11 victims, but only an idiot would be distracted by…

Holy crap, Pumpkin Pie, did you see what ESPN said about me? Not ESPN, the black chick on ESPN, Jack-in-the-Box. She said I’m a “white supremacist,” whatever that is. It’s crazy how they let the Blacks have opinions now. My house elf Jeff Sessions told me he’d make a law against that, but so far, nothing! That guy is the worst. I should’ve fired him a long time ago, but he still hasn’t told me where his pot of gold is. I’m no idiot – he’s not leaving unless I get it.

Well, Roasted Garlic, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got LOTS of major Tweets to send, and this KFC deuce isn’t gonna drop itself. Daddy Kelly says I’m supposed to call Mexico and send my “condolences” (that’s a made-up word and he knows it) since they stole our thunder (just like they steal our jobs) and had a hurricane AND an earthquake. It can wait. What’s the worst that can happen – are they gonna pull millions of dollars in aid just because I’m an asshole? I’d like to see that happen! Smell ya later, Corn Flakes!

Your Pal, Donnie

P.S. OK, I’m not panicking or anything, but turns out Mexico is pulling that funding. Shit. What am I gonna do? I know! I’ll just say I tried to call the Mexico’s cell phone, but they were all out of minutes. That should work!

P.P.S. You can write back anytime. You can even mow my lawn. I’ve kicked all the Mexicans out, so I’ve only got little white kids to do it for me. You ARE white, right? I’d hate to deport you like all those Dreamers.

 

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tenor, The Washington Post, Snopes

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Time For Trump Dogg and EPA To Regulate

Now that we have Nate Dogg rolling in his grave, let’s talk about something equally depressing: the Kumquat Despot’s full-blown assault on government regulations. We only have space for the EPA today, but we see you Betsy DeVos, you rape apologist cock sprain, and we’ll get to you soon enough.

It doesn’t sound sexy at first, but it gets a lot more exciting when you find out it’s only taken 8 months for the Trump administration to completely and utterly fuck this country for generations to come, simply by removing a few pesky laws to the benefit of their billionaire buddies.

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Don’t worry, America. We’ll do our best to pepper this boring-ass exposition with as many dick jokes and drag queen GIFs as humanly possible. Since you elected a Cheeto-dusted turd with the attention span of a goldfish on crack, we know you need visual aids and a hearty helping of cock talk to keep you interested. So here you go.

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Since Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget allowed the GOP’s Mad Magazine centerfold to utterly decimate environmental regulations, we’re already noticing some negative side effects. Who could have foreseen that allowing corporations to run roughshod over laws preventing pollution and water contamination would be such a shitty idea?

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Since Scott Pruitt took over as EPA Administrator, he and the Apricot Asshole have torched the following regulations. Keep in mind this list from National Geographic is not exhaustive:

• The advisory panel for the National Climate Assessment board has been eliminated.

• A couple of weeks before Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, Trump revoked an Obama-era regulation requiring federally-funded projects to adhere to a Federal Flood Risk Management Standard.

• Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Climate Accord, joining the dubious company of Syria and Nicaragua as the only countries not to sign on.

• EPA scientists recommended the total ban of the pesticide chlorpyrifos on account of it causing brain damage. Pruitt told them to go fuck themselves, probably on the advice the former Dow lobbyist who now works with him on hazardous chemical regulations.

• The Orange Don rescinded the Obama-era Clean Power Plan, which aimed to reduce CO2 emissions at power plants.

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Which brings us to the Arkema chemical plant spill. Due to a Category 4 windbag shitstorm hitting Texas (no we’re not talking about the President, because he’s obviously a Category 5), a plant just outside of Houston that manufactures plastics exploded and started spilling a shit ton of ALLEGEDLY toxic chemicals. I have to say ALLEGEDLY in all caps, since Arkema successfully lobbied the Trump administration to delay regulations on those chemicals. The CEO of Arkema insists that the explosive chemicals are perfectly safe to breathe in, which must be why 15 first responders had to be hospitalized after vomiting and asphyxiating on those harmless fumes.

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In fact, the chemicals are so safe to breathe, Arkema initially refused to tell people what those chemicals were. Which, of course, is perfectly legal in Texas because of their asshole former-AG current-governor, who said if people really wanted to know about what kind of chemicals were in their backyard power plant, they could drive around and ask the plants themselves. Thanks, Greg Abbott!

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With the awesome combined powers of the state of Texas and the Trump Administration (think of them as an earth-raping anti-Captain Planet), Houston is now proper fucked after Harvey. From the AP:

“Harvey’s filthy floodwaters pose significant dangers to human safety and the environment even after water levels drop far enough that Southeast Texas residents no longer fear for their lives, according to experts. [….] Also stirred into the noxious brew are spilled fuel, runoff from waste sites, lawn pesticides and pollutants from the region’s many petroleum refineries and chemical plants.”

Don’t worry, though! Pruitt’s EPA is on the case! Not the case of cleaning up the environmental mess left by Harvey and lax regulations, though. Sorry, is that what you thought we meant? We meant that he’s on the case of fighting with the AP over correctly reporting that the EPA was dicking around instead of cleaning up after Harvey. From the Washington Post:

“The Environmental Protection Agency is all over Michael Biesecker, a reporter for the Associated Press. [….] On Sept. 2, Biesecker and colleague Jason Dearen [published], ‘AP EXCLUSIVE: Toxic waste sites flooded, EPA not on scene.’ In all, the outlet had visited seven Superfund sites in the Houston region. Several hours after the AP issued its story, the EPA responded with a statement indicating that it had seen aerial imagery showing that 13 of 41 sites were flooded and were ‘experiencing possible damage.’ The statement started out by denouncing ‘misleading and inaccurate reporting’ on the topic.”

Oh, sorry EPA! You looked at some pictures, and you think that counts as being “on-site”? I saw some pictures of the aftermath of Harvey on Twitter today. Where do I get my EPA paycheck? Seriously, fuck you guys so hard. We know your Orange Overlord probably instructs you to nurse your grudges with the media like a newborn suckling at your teats, but can you at least pretend to give a fuck about the people devastated by this hurricane?

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Yeah, we thought that might be too much to hope for.

Photo Credits: Tumblr, Imgur, Pinterest, Giphy, Imgur, KQED, Boing Boing, Giphy

President Camacho Uplifts the Spirits of the People of Texas After Hurricane Harvey

Primarily by providing unintentional comedic relief, but hey, whatever helps. If you look in our not too recent history, you can find several examples of presidents on both sides of the aisle giving, calm, compassionate support to victims on the ground in the aftermath of a natural disaster.

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So it’s not like there’s not a very easy-to-follow blueprint for the Orange Don to use now that a catastrophic Category 4 hurricane flooded Texas and Louisiana, displacing over 360,000 people and killing over 40 as of press time. All he had to do was approximate a semi-human reaction. All he had to do was visit Texas and not talk about himself for an hour or so while looking presidential. Vegas probably didn’t even take odds on whether or not that would happen, because of course it didn’t fucking happen, because we have a spray-tan-soaked man-baby shit-for-brains as a chief executive.

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On Tuesday, the Orange Don made his first trip to Texas and stopped in Corpus Christi, one of the first cities to be wrecked by Harvey when it made landfall during Trump’s Friday news dump. It started off on a tacky note when the First Couple of QVC America wore hats that could be purchased for the LOW, LOW PRICE OF $40! ORDER NOW AND CONTRIBUTE TO THE IMPEACHMENT LEGAL DEFENSE FUND RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN OF DONALD J. TRUMP! FIRST 100 ORDERS RECEIVE A FREE MAIL-ORDER BRIDE! CALL WITHIN FIVE MINUTES AND YOU’LL GET A BRAND-NEW FEMA TRAILER!

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Seriously, don’t order those shitty-ass hats from Trump – you can get them practically anywhere else for a quarter of the price. The profits will go to the much nobler cause of funding the Walton family’s hefty booze bills.

Once he got to Corpus Christi, it didn’t take long for the fuckery to commence at his first briefing. From NPR:

“FEMA Administrator Brock Long also took part in the briefing, after being introduced by the president ‘as a man who’s really been very famous on television over the last couple of days.’ [….] Trump later stood outside the fire station and waved a Texas state flag. ‘Thank you everybody,’ Trump said, saying the response to the storm’s flooding ‘is going well.’ As he looked over the gathering at the station, he declared: ‘What a crowd, what a turnout.’”

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We are never surprised at how inappropriate this man is, but we refuse to stop being grossed out by it. We never want to be okay with the Kumquat Despot using a natural disaster as an opportunity to brag about crowd size. “Aw shucks, you guys traveled all this way to see lil’ ole me?” No, bitch! They came to seek comfort and guidance from the President of the United States. As always, this is not all about you.

Shockingly, the Orange Don didn’t get rave reviews for, as he Tweefed out, “seeing the devastation first-hand.” No, seriously, that’s what he said. It was accompanied by this picture of him looking at a radar map in a conference room.

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Real man of the people, this numb-nuts. So President Camacho was in damage-control mode when he went to Houston on Saturday. That meant he was extra-careful to appear sensitive when he met with people who’d lost literally everything they owned when he appeared at a shelter in Houston. How successful was he? We’ll let you be the judge. From ABC News:

“During [Houston’s NRG Stadium] visit, the president at one point chatted with members of the press, and spoke optimistically about the recovery effort and what he’s seen, saying ‘things are working out well,’ and that the recovery effort has been a ‘beautiful thing’ for the country.

‘They were just happy, we saw a lot of happiness,’ the president said of his interactions with storm victims. ‘It’s been really nice, it’s been a wonderful thing… as tough as this was, it’s been a wonderful thing I think even for the country to watch and the world to watch, it’s been beautiful.’”

 

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Don’t worry, he also maintained his presidential composure when he thanked the Coast Guard for their bravery in rescuing people from the torrential flood waters. Luckily for him, he didn’t mention how he still wants to cut $1 billion from their budget. But of course, he couldn’t resist nursing his grudge with the media while honoring the nation’s heroes, because it’s called CLASS, people. From Mediaite:

“As Trump gave a brief address commending the Coast Guard, he dropped a snide insinuation about how media people wouldn’t dare run towards disaster or save lives unless they can get a story out of it. ‘I hear the Coast Guard saved…almost 11,000 people by going into winds the media would not go into,’ Trump said while pointing at the cameras. ‘They will not go into those winds unless it’s a really good story, in which case they will.’”

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It gets worse, though. If you thought, after Tuesday’s trip, that we’d safely escaped Trump’s first natural disaster as president without him referring to his imaginary monster cock, you were wrong, Nation. You were so very, very wrong. Because when Trump met with storm victims in Houston, his id took over. And yes, the Apricot Asshole had to mention his super-masculine, not-at-all dainty, tea-pouring hands. From The Independent:

“Video [….] of President Trump’s visit to the NRG Center shows him putting on gloves to help with the hand-out at a food serving line before turning to where the press are gathered and saying ‘my hands are too big.’”

Sure, OJ Simpson!

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You know he really wanted to say, “It’s OK, folks! President Big Dick is here! I know you were worried about losing all your earthly possessions just a minute ago. But then you saw my cock-sure stride, and you forgot all about it. With a schlong this big, how could I not solve all your problems? Alright, gotta get these gloves on so I can hand out food, but don’t be offended if my MASSIVE PENIS gets in the way. You might get a side of DEEZ NUTS instead of potato chips, but that’s the chance you take!”

As confident as we are in the President Super Schlong’s ability to cock-slap a hurricane into submission, we’re still hedging our bets and donating to the worthy causes listed below.

To donate to the Episcopal Relief & Development Fund, click here.

To donate to the Texas Diaper Bank, click here.

To donate to the Humane Society’s Disaster Relief Fund, click here.

To donate to Direct Relief, click here. Ebay is matching donations made via PayPal.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Indy 100, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Mediaite, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy