We’re Back From Vacation, America!

Luckily we didn’t miss anything. The Kumquat Despot is Tweefing incessantly about the NFL, so that means nothing else is going on in the world and everything is perfect.

“North Korea’s top diplomat says President Donald Trump’s tweet that leader Kim Jong Un ‘won’t be around much longer’ was a declaration of war against his country by the United States.”

Oh. We see.

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Shit.

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Wow. Okay. This is only slightly less stressful than dragging two kids under three on a week-long tour of the great state of Oregon. They were good under the circumstances, but let us paint a picture for you on what the last day looked like.

We stopped at a Hood River vineyard on the way home to pick up a few bottles of wine (one for the housesitter, one for each set of grandparents). Naturally, the kids had fucking had it with riding in the car. As soon as they set foot outside that car, it was like unleashing the kraken on that tiny, unsuspecting vineyard. There were couples lazing about on the porch, peacefully drinking wine without a care in the world. We vaguely remember what that was like.

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But their peace was rudely shattered by two hellspawn kids – one screaming his head off, the other running around in circles, picking up every glass she could find and screaming, “Mommy! Daddy! Momdad! Dadmom! NO CAR!!! POOOOOTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” The people at this winery rightly looked at us like we were the worst people on the planet. We were about as welcome in that vineyard as a screaming baby at a Trump rally.

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In the ten minutes it took us to sample four wines, pay for the bottles, and GTFO, we probably ended up with lower approval ratings than the current POTUS. Everybody gave us the death stare. Judgment was shooting out of their eyeballs, like RuPaul when one of her Drag Race contestants tells her, “I don’t sew.”

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You’d think we’d done something deplorable like taken a knee at a NASCAR race, or taken away healthcare from over 20 million people. But if you think about it, we had done something pretty deplorable: We subjected all of these blissfully childless couples to a glimpse of the dire hellscape that awaits them when they become parents. That can never be forgiven.

Long story short, every single one of those people would vote my kids into office over Donald J. Trump after the shit that went down this past week. We would too.

Photo Credits: Tenor, ABC News, Goode, Tenor, Buzzfeed, Pinterest

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Bernie Sanders Trolled President Camacho So Hard, Even Ted Cruz Was Impressed

You know your troll game is strong when Grandpa Munster’s busted condom baby is giving you props.

Yesterday, everyone’s favorite socialist curmudgeon decided to bring his next-level dankness to the Senate floor. He did that by reminding everyone in a speech about healthcare that the Orange Don promised during one of his marathon Tweeting sessions that he would not approve any cuts to Medicare, Medicaid, or Social Security. And like any old man, he decided that using confounded, goddamn technology wouldn’t be sufficient in getting his point across. So he sent his aides out to Kinko’s to blow that shit up and glue it onto a huge poster, so everyone could drink it in with their eyeballs.

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According to Bernie’s Communications Director Mike Casca, this particular Bern Burn even got a chuckle out of Ted Cruz’s rubber face.

“Earlier today, Sen. Ted Cruz chuckled when I walked past him carrying this poster.”

When Bernie took to the Senate floor, he made sure to drive the point home.

“Millions of people voted for [Trump] on the belief that he would keep his word. If he was sincere, then I would hope that tomorrow or maybe today he could send out a tweet and tell his Republican colleagues to stop wasting their time and all of our time. And for Mr. Trump to tell the American people that he will veto any proposal that cuts Medicare, that cuts Medicaid or that cuts Social Security.”

Please, don’t ever, ever, ever, ever change Bernie. We love you – just as you are. So much, in fact, that we’re going to play you out with another dank meme.

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Photo Credits: Know Your MemeAttn, Giphy

Republicans Still Have No Plan To Replace Obamacare

But it’s coming, you guys!

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Don’t act like you’re not impressed, America – isn’t the sweet, sweet marriage of politics and dick jokes what you came here for? So yeah, Republicans don’t have a plan to replace Obamacare yet because according to House Speaker Paul Ryan, Trump and his paid insurance shill nominee for Secretary of Health and Human Services, Tom Price, haven’t been sworn in yet. Oh yeah, and they haven’t actually put together a plan for replacing Obamacare. There’s that also. From MSN, via The Hill:

“Republicans currently do not have a consensus on a detailed replacement plan, which requires hard tradeoffs to put together. Ryan would not commit to saying the replacement will cover just as many people as ObamaCare, which has provided coverage to 20 million people. ‘Look I’m not going to get ahead of our committee process, we’re just beginning to put this together.’”

“Just beginning to put this together”? What in the actual fuck have you assholes been doing for the last SEVEN YEARS?! All we heard about from the moment the ACA passed was how terrible Republicans thought it was and what a disaster it would be. A whole lot of bitching, including from Ryan himself.

Yet in all that time, none of them thought to put their heads together and come up with their own, cohesive plan? It took Democrats less than two years when they had control of both houses and the presidency, but the clock is still ticking for Republicans to come up with one solitary piece of legislation. Man, it’s almost like bitching is easier than coming up with actual solutions to people’s problems.

We also love how Ryan can’t even commit to the simple prospect of all 20 million people keeping their current healthcare coverage. “Let’s not go crazy here – not everybody gets covered. I mean I do – I’m covered, and so are all the people working on the new healthcare legislation – but you other 20 million plebs might have to go fuck yourselves, or at the very least try not to get sick.”

Our favorite part of all this, has to be what Republicans’ orange-tinted overlord said about all this shit yesterday. You see, when Republican Sen. Mike Enzi proposed and passed a budget resolution to defund Obamacare, Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget got all offended and Tweefed out the following:

Two things we love about these Tweefs (you know – what happens when somebody queefs out an ill-advised Tweet): First off, Trump’s master plan is to allow Obamacare to crumble to the point where pretty much everybody is uninsured. Then, Democrats can take the blame. Cool guy. Cool Tweef. About what we’d expect from the guy who does this:

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Secondly, now you’re hesitant to repeal Obamacare without a replacement? May we please present to this coked-up orangutan Exhibit A: his campaign promise as delivered from his very own website, donaldjtrump.com:

“On day one of the Trump Administration, we will ask Congress to immediately deliver a full repeal of Obamacare.”

You know what you must do, Republicans: on January 20th, help Trump fulfill his campaign promise. Give him exactly what he wants and what he promised the American people. We’re sure it’ll work out swimmingly for us all. Except when it doesn’t.

Photo Credits: Meme CaptainGiphy, Pinterest, Imgur, Pinterest, Courthouse News Service, Giphy

The Republican Healthcare Plan In A Nutshell: Try Not To Get Sick

We have less than a month to go before we can change GossiPol’s countdown timer from “Days until President Camacho’s Inauguration” to “Days until President Camacho’s Impeachment.” With time ticking away on the clock before Republicans have control of a rabid orangutan the presidency, the House, and the Senate, the GOP is still short on healthcare proposals. This is not surprising, considering the Republican-controlled Congress has beenand remains – one of the most historically ineffective.

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But hold on a minute – are we talking about the same Republican Congress that constantly bitched about Obamacare and threatened to repeal it? Why yes, yes we are! They are one and the same. Now, far be it from us to accuse these hypocrites of failing to come up with ideas. Oh, they’ve got ideas alright – just not good ones. Now, apparently, the plan is to replace Obamacare with “universal access.” This means that you can buy insurance if you feel like it. That’s sure to give ERs and Urgent Care Centers across the country pause, isn’t it? From the New York Times, via MSN:

“‘Our goal here is to make sure that everybody can buy coverage or find coverage if they choose to,’ a House leadership aide told journalists on the condition of anonymity at a health care briefing organized by Republican leaders. [….] ‘We would like to get to a point where we have what we call universal access, where everybody is able to access coverage to some degree or another. Over the past six years, if you look at the experience we’ve had with the A.C.A. rollout, chasing coverage doesn’t necessarily yield great outcomes.’”

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First of all, how the fuck does the Republican plan translate to people not “chasing coverage”? You’re still looking for the best plan in a sea of plans that only provide coverage “to some degree or another.” Great – so by “some degree or another,” you mean most of the plans won’t fully cover me? How is this better, Republicans? If an insurance carrier only covers 50% of a $100,000 procedure, how am I still not bankrupted when I can’t pony up the other half? We’ve said before that Obamacare needs changes, but is this really the best the GOP could come up with?

But wait, America – it gets so much better. Rep. Bill Huizenga has a super-helpful suggestion for the plebs who can’t afford full coverage – wait it out. From Michigan Live:

“Huizenga says more responsibility needs to shift to the shoulders of patients to reduce costs. [….] The father of five offered a personal example of how this shift might play out. He says his youngest son fell and injured his arm. Not sure if it was sprained or broken, he and his wife decided to wait until the next morning to take the 10-year-old to the doctor’s office, instead of going to the emergency room that night. The arm was broken. ‘We took every precaution but decided to go in the next morning [because of] the cost difference. If he had been more seriously injured, we would have taken him in. [….] If you don’t have a cost difference, you’ll make different decisions.’”

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We don’t even know where to begin with this asshole. To be fair, he immediately regretted saying that, especially since people rightly pointed out that if you don’t immediately treat a broken bone, you can have serious side effects. But at the same time, goddess bless him for accidentally speaking truth to power. This, in actuality, is the Republican health care plan: “Wait it out. Do you really need to treat that broken bone when your deductible is so high?” That’s part of what both parties allegedly want to fix, but that’s not really true, is it? In reality, that’s what liberals like Bernie Sanders want to fix.

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What Republicans like Rep. Huizenga want to fix are the burdensome costs on the poor insurance companies. Because guess who contributes the most to his campaign? You guessed it – insurance companies. Just like Trump’s appointee for Health and Human Services Secretary, Rep. Tom Price, the politicians who want your premiums to go up are the same assholes who take in massive amounts of cash from insurance companies and drug manufacturers. Remember that when you go the polls for mid-term elections, America. You’ll remember better if you don’t go to the polls hopped on meth and computer duster again.

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Photo Credits: Head Over Feels, Giphy, WiffleGIF, Blavity, Rebloggy

Let’s Talk About Healthcare, America

Specifically, what’s going to happen to it now that a narcissistic orangutan is going to be in charge of it. Right now, we have the Affordable Care Act, better known as Obamacare. It’s got some pretty awesome shit going for it, like covering people regardless of pre-existing conditions and covering young adults. It’s also got some drawbacks too, though. Over 2 million people were left without insurance after private companies decided to get the hell out of dodge when faced with the dilemma of either doing their jobs correctly or making more money. Five different states only have one insurer on the market, which is not exactly competitive.

Don’t worry, though, America – Republicans are here to fix your healthcare woes.

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Try to act a little more excited. If Democrats fucked up healthcare, how bad could Republicans be? Well, glad you asked. Apparently, a lot worse. First, they’ve got a master plan to repeal Obamacare and replace it with – something? Nothing? Don’t ask them, they’re still working on it. From The Hill:

“House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy (R-Calif.) said Tuesday that Republicans could repeal ObamaCare even before they have come up with a replacement. ‘I don’t think you have to wait,’ McCarthy told reporters. ‘My personal belief, and nothing’s been decided yet, but I would move through and repeal and then go to work on replacing.’ [….] Republicans have called for a transition period, meaning ObamaCare would not immediately go away once repeal passes, but would instead be phased out [….] Even with that transition period, though, experts warn insurers could bail out on the current system once they learn it is being phased out, leaving ObamaCare enrollees with no options.”

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Does anyone have any better ideas? Oh look, it’s Trump’s new Health and Human Services Secretary, Rep. Tom Price, a Republican congressman from Georgia, seen here rocking Sharpie-painted eyebrows and a gay pornstache (not that that’s necessarily a bad thing).

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He’s a doctor – does he have a way to fix things? Yeah, if your idea of “fixing things” includes paying higher deductibles and doing away with the mandate on covering pre-existing conditions. He also wants to prevent employers from offering “overly generous” benefits to their employees by capping how much employers can deduct insurance costs on their taxes. Because people hate having too much insurance. It’s a real drag being fully-covered when you get sick.

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At least those vulnerable insurance and pharmaceutical companies will be protected by their boy, Tom Price. They pay him well enough to make sure of that.

But Price’s only concern is for the patients. As he told a roomful of Republican wonks, “[Democrats] believe the government ought to be in control of health care, [while Republicans] believe that patients and doctors should be in control of health care.” Yeah, says the man who vehemently opposes a woman’s right to choose and even introduced an ultimately failed bill to mandate that life begins at conception. The guy who doesn’t want female patients to make a decision between themselves and their doctors on whether to take birth control pills or have an abortion is all of sudden a big believer in keeping the government out of people’s medical decisions?

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And let’s not even talk about his record on anti-discrimination laws. You don’t want to know, America. Isn’t it enough to know that your deductibles are about to go sky high?

Photo Credits: Primo GIFsGIF Hell, Tenor, Washington Post, Imgur, Giphy