Well, That Took Long…

Remember how yesterday, we predicted that the Orange Don would fuck up the relative good will generated by his “big boy speech” (what we call an event where Donald Trump talks for more than two minutes straight without yelling a racial slur or shitting his pants)? All it took was a campaign-style rally (whatever the fuck that is) in Phoenix, Arizona, and less than 24 hours later, we have our old coked-up orangutan buddy back! We’d like to brag about being psychic:

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But honestly, it’s like predicting that water will be wet, the sky will be blue, and Bachelorette suitors will be douchey. Trump ranted and raved for over an hour, while Daddy Kelly gritted his teeth in consternation and Mike Pence polished off his “President of the United States” name plate. His supporters found out that there is such thing as a Klan rally that goes over time, gradually filing out as the Kumquat Despot ticked off his Arya-styles kill list.

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First on that kill list was the media. It didn’t take long for Trump to empty his purse on national TV. A few minutes in, the Orange Don was dry-sobbing his way through a dramatic retelling of his handling of the tragedy in Charlottesville. Of course, like all good remakes, the director took a few – shall we say, liberties – with the truth. From the Washington Post:

“Trump reached into his suit pocket and removed a different set of talking points. [….] Trump then took more than 16 minutes to read the various statements that he made about Charlottesville over several days, noting the use of all-caps for one word and skipping over the part where he said that ‘many sides’ were responsible for the violence.

[….] The crowd repeatedly booed the reporters in their midst and chanted: ‘CNN sucks! CNN sucks!’

‘So they were having a hard time with that one, because I said everything,’ Trump said, then flippantly launching into a laundry list of hate groups. ‘I hit ’em with neo-Nazi. I hit ’em with everything. I got the white supremacists, the neo-Nazi. I got them all in there. Let’s see: KKK? We have KKK. I got ’em all.’

Trump eventually wrapped up this defense by saying, in part: ‘The words were perfect.’”

Is it just us, or does Trump remind you of a used car salesman when he’s ticking off the reasons he’s the real victim of the Charlottesville violence and not the woman who was mowed down by a fucking neo-Nazi?

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Several times throughout the speech, Trump claimed that all of the networks, including CNN, turned off the cameras that were broadcasting live because they feared his “perfect words.” From Vice:

“Trump also repeatedly accused a group of cameramen from various networks — including CNN, which he called out by name — of turning off their cameras to avoid broadcasting what he had to say. CNN broadcast the entire speech live.

‘Oh that’s so funny, look back there,’ Trump said, pointing to the cameras. ‘Those cameras are going off, oh wow. Why don’t you just fold them up and take them home? Oh, those cameras are going off. Wow. That’s the one thing, they’re very nervous to have me on live television because this can’t happen. You know what, I’m a person who wants to tell the truth, I’m an honest person and what I’m saying, you know, is exactly right.’”

 

Excuse us for a second:

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The speech was full of bizarre moments like this. It’s a clear sign, America – to us, anyway – that Trump is ready to leave office. When you watched him take the stage, it was clear that the Apricot Asshole is kind of like a 70’s rock band that’s sick and goddamn tired of playing the same greatest hits playlist to Middle America over and over again.

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There’s no joy in this for him anymore. He wants out. We think he’s hoping that somebody like Mitch McConnell actually accomplishes a Dynasty-style hostile boardroom takeover so he can go back to trolling America from the sidelines. Unfortunately for him (and us), that’s not how democracy works. When the Orange Don finally realizes that some magical board of trustees isn’t going to come in and replace him, he’ll resign. We predict by the end of the year.

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Photo Credits: Unilad, The Gloss, Viral Thread, Imgur, Giphy, Giphy, WiffleGIF

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Drunk Tweefing: The Donald Trump-Meryl Streep Edition

Last night, for what has to be the millionth time in his life, President Camacho found himself under attack from some nobody loser who’s just jealous of him. That sorry sack of shit is Meryl Streep, who’s probably never won anything on her own merit and just rode her daddy’s coattails to success. Oh, wait – actually, that’s Donald Trump we were thinking of. Meryl Streep is an acclaimed actress who’s been at the top of her game for the last five decades and counting and won three Academy Awards out of 19 nominations. You know – total hack.

When Meryl accepted a lifetime-achievement Golden Globe award for being just the most untalented actress ever, she used her acceptance speech to call out the Orange Don for being – well, himself. From CNN:

“There was one performance this year that stunned me. [….] It was that moment when the person asking to sit in the most respected seat in our country imitated a disabled reporter. Someone he outranked in privilege, power and the capacity to fight back. [….] This instinct to humiliate when it’s modeled by someone in the public … by someone powerful, it filters down into everyone’s life because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same.”

Just in case y’all missed it, this is the epic “performance,” where Trump mocked disabled NYT reporter Serge Kovaleski:

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Give this asshole an Oscar! We really didn’t think there was any way someone as mentally disabled as Trump could achieve even close to an approximation of what a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist sounds like, but he didn’t even come close did it!

Trump’s excuses after the fact were predictable for the adult, orange-tinted King Joffrey. First he tried to say he didn’t know the reporter that well, despite the fact that he told the audience before launching into his witty impersonation, “You gotta see this guy.” Oh, and the fact that they’ve met at least a dozen times.

Then, he launched a whole new movement, about as tasteless as the birther movement he led when the scary Black man took office and fixed the economy: the “I Wasn’t Really Mocking That Guy” Truther Movement. That’s just how Trump looks and sounds when he’s making fun of people, you guys. Never mind the fact that he’s constantly making fun of people, which makes him an asshole bully, but also that he doesn’t act that way unless he’s making fun of a physically disabled man. Check this 40 minute video of him insulting his betters in 2016 if you don’t believe us.

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So of course, because Meryl Streep is a woman, talented, and insulted him, our soon-to-be chief executive had to respond the only way he knows how: by Tweefing out insults.

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Why does this qualify as “Drunk Tweefing” when the Orange Don doesn’t even drink alcohol? Because the fumes emanating from his Tweefs make us feel drunk (that is, disoriented, regretful, and nauseous). And when he writes shit like, “I would never” mock a disabled person, he may as well have been impaired. No Donald, not you. The guy who says shit like this:

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And this:

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Oh, and also this:

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Would never be so classless as to insult a person based on their appearance. Dude, do yourself a favor and say it with us: “I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” Ready?

Sigh. Never mind.

Photo Credits: That ScoopGiphy, Giphy, Elite Daily, Odyssey, Giphy, Attn, Buzzfeed

Republicans Get Rid Of Ethics Committee, Then Do Take-Backsies

While showing up to work drunk sounds like a super-fun idea, it doesn’t always yield the best results. We’re not saying House Republicans discovered this the hard way, but…

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The vast majority of us going back to work after a long vacay spend about 90% of our time fucking and around and the other 10% checking the backlog of bullshit emails we got during the break. But not our Republican-controlled Congress, y’all. They are earning that government paycheck by getting down to business on their very first day back from a long, winter recess. There was a lot of important work to do, so what did they put at the top of their priority list? Did they finally get off their asses and confirm Merrick Garland to the US Supreme Court before their Orange Overlord nominated Captain Crunch in his place (What? He has military experience and he’s super-rich – he checks all the boxes). Did they fix what they allege to be deficient with Obamacare so Americans everywhere finally have the proper health coverage?

No! They didn’t do any of those important things! House Republicans decided instead to commence the vital task of gutting the independent ethics committee that investigates them for doing the kind of shady shit they did when they got their palms greased by Jack Abramoff several years back. From Politico:

“Monday’s effort was led, in part, by lawmakers who have come under investigation in recent years. [….] House Republicans adopted a proposal by Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) to put the Office of Congressional Ethics under the jurisdiction of the House Ethics Committee.  The office currently has free rein, enabling investigators to pursue allegations and then recommend further action to the House Ethics Committee as they see fit. Now, the office would be under the thumb of lawmakers themselves.”

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Apparently, Republicans agreed with Democratic ethical stalwarts like Charlie Rangel, who was censured by his own colleagues in 2010 for tax evasion. The beef, according to them, is that sometimes the Committee investigates trumped-up charges. You know what happens to those charges when they’re unfounded, though? They’re dismissed. But instead of voting on simple rule changes that could give a lawmaker accused of an ethical violation more due process rights, Republicans thought gutting the whole Committee was a better way to go.

Their boss, House Speaker Paul Ryan, told them that shit was a bad idea, and he was right. But you know what really galls us about this whole ordeal? That Republicans made us agree with Donald Fucking Trump. We will never forgive them for that. Shortly after the vote, the Orange Don tweeted the following:

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We have a saying in the South: a broke clock is right twice a day. In this case, President Camacho was spot-on. Of course, don’t even think about applying ethics rules to him or his family. That shit won’t fly with him. To be fair though, Trump reads at about a third-grade level, so asking him to do ethical things like completely divesting all his business interests or not holding pay-to-play fundraisers with his family are probably a bit beyond his comprehension.

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Needless to say, there was a huge public outcry over Republicans saying, “Bye Felicia!” to ethics and accountability. Because of that, and because modern-day Republicans are the biggest pussies we’ve ever seen (look at their revolving door of presidential primary candidates if you don’t believe us), they backtracked with a quickness, pulling their proposed legislation. Maybe they sobered up?

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Of course, if you ask the coked-up orangutan that is soon to be our chief executive, it was his deft handling of a social media account that really made Congress back down. Just like he improved the economy and created millions of jobs before he took office, all with the power of his tremendous words. We’ll let him believe that for now, just like we’ll let him think that pro wrestling is real – for a little while longer at least. Children (or 70-year-old grown men with childlike mentalities) deserve to keep the magic as long as possible, don’t they?

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Photo Credits: Giphy, MTV UK, WHNT, Comic Vine, Giphy, Giphy

“Drunk Tweeting”: The Donald Trump Flag-Burning Edition

Today in “Drunk Tweeting,” flag-burning makes an intrepid journey from a constitutionally-protected right, to a misdemeanor-level offense, to an act of treason that could lead to you losing your birthright as an American.

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Alcohol and/or pathological narcissism will do that.

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Next time you’re hitting the sauce (or just being yourself), Donald, could we humbly suggest taking things up a notch and imposing the death penalty? Those damn commie liberals will think you’ve gone soft if you don’t immediately fuck them all to death when they exercise their First Amendment rights. We know you love the flag so much that you know what the stripes stand for (except when you don’t), so it’s the least you could do as a patriotic American.

Photo Credits: MetroElite DailyReaction GIFs