President Camacho Still Has Hurt Feelings Over Russian Hacking

Interesting how a man so intent on calling out all the “haters and losers” is so very, very thin-skinned himself. We’re sure the DSM-5 entry on narcissism has something to say about that, but we digress…

In case you were passed out after yet another epic computer duster bender, America, let us bring you up to speed. Russia hacked the DNC and Hillary aide John Podesta. They passed that info on to WikiLeaks, who published it right before the election. Russian operatives also spread fake news. All of this was done because Vladimir Putin preferred a brain-dead cockatiel as US President as opposed to the woman who gave him hell as Secretary of State. When Trump was elected President by the Electoral College American people, senior Russian officials celebrated.

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As we’ve stated before, none of this means that Russia’s interference actually affected the results of the election. We will never know if it did or not, though we suspect that Americans were just gullible enough on their own to believe that a narcissistic, sociopathic reality show host was going to solve everyone’s problems by building a Wall and draining the swamp by the pussy (that’s how it goes, right?). But still – these reports really hurt the Orange Don’s feelings, y’all. He really wants to believe that he achieved a historic Electoral College victory (he’s actually in the bottom quarter of all time) and that he won the popular vote because he’s so bigly successful and talented (he lost it by close to three million).

So the very idea that a Russian dictator even tried helping him cuts our Orange Overlord to the quick. That’s probably why he threw a gigantic hissy fit in an interview with the NY Times.

“Mr. Trump spoke to The New York Times by telephone three hours before he was set to be briefed by the nation’s top intelligence and law enforcement officials about Russian hacking of American political institutions. In the conversation, he repeatedly criticized the intense focus on the alleged cyber intrusions by Russia. ‘China, relatively recently, hacked 20 million government names,’ he said, referring to the breach of computers at the Office of Personnel Management in late 2014 and early 2015. ‘How come nobody even talks about that? This is a political witch hunt.’”

OK bitch, first off, people did talk about those hacks. If they didn’t, how the fuck would you know about it, since all you know is what you read on the internet?

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Maybe “people talk” about this one more because you won’t shut the fuck up about it? Honestly, we hear more from Trump on Russian hacking than we do from half the members of Congress. Even if people don’t talk about it – that doesn’t mean the Russians didn’t hack the DNC. No matter how much attention the story gets, is every intelligence agency in America making up the fact that Russia hacked us? Maybe if you waited three hours and got your damn intelligence briefing for once, you’d know a little bit more about the issue. But no, definitely run your mouth off to the NYT and fire off some ill-advised Tweefs before the briefing. It’s why Putin chose you, boo.

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That’s probably also why one of his most experienced intel advisors quit that bitch. Apparently, former CIA director James Woolsey didn’t take too kindly to Trump refusing most of his intelligence briefings and shutting him out of meetings. He’s the second senior intelligence advisor to quit after Rep. Mike Rogers, who got pushed out by Stockholm Syndrome Barbie’s husband, Jared Kushner.

But what really singed President Camacho’s ass hairs was the galling fact that the media knew more about the Russian hacks than he did. Our future chief executive Tweefed out his frustration that NBC News scooped him on the Russian hacking intelligence report.

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Hmmm – wonder why NBC News got the jump on you, Donny Boy? Perhaps you would’ve had a heads up if you – ahemGOT YOUR INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK? Sorry for shouting America, but we figured the Orange Don couldn’t hear us as well with his fingers stuck in his ears. This really puts us in mind of something Game of Thrones creator George R.R. Martin said, and we think it applies here. When asked which of his characters Trump most resembles, Martin said, without skipping a beat: King Joffrey. We think this scene from Game of Thrones really sums up what it must be like to be a knowledgeable public official trying to advise a sociopath with the mindset of a 10-year-old boy.

What makes King Joffrey AND Donald Trump madder than anything is not being consulted first on everything. Even though they have absolutely zero interest in the day-to-day governance – you know, actual work – they like the feeling of being important and having power. Whether their people are happy and safe is of precisely ZERO concern to them. To be revealed as the Wizard of Oz and not the true power behind the throne is more than their delicate egos can take. Seriously you guys – watch that scene and tell us you don’t see shades of Trump in Joffrey Baratheon. And to think – in two weeks he’ll be our president.

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Photo Credits: TumblrIDEO Labs, Tumblr, Giphy, eBaums World, Prison Planet, Tenor

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Kellyanne Conway Enters The Trump-Brand, Super-Classy, Yugely Successful Game of Thrones

We have a new player, America! Welcome Trump spokesperson and deranged, crispy-fried Stepford Wife Kellyanne Conway to the Game, seen here looking delighted at the prospect of having completely butt-fucked the country she supposedly loves:

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Our girl Kellyanne has been dubbed “The Trump Whisperer” after she was able to housebreak a sociopathic orangutan. Of course she failed miserably at preventing him from shitting the bed during her run as his campaign co-chair, but she was successful at convincing Middle America that a 70-year-old spoiled man-baby actually gives enough fucks about them to Make America Great Again.

The secret to her success? Wait, look over there! Shiny object! No, don’t actually look over there. We mean that’s part of her strategy. Jesus, America, you fall for that trick every time, don’t you? Anyway, pretty much every interview with Kellyanne consisted of the following three-step process:

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No, not that three-step process, this one:

Step One: Interviewer asks tough question about any number of shitty things the Orange Don has done.

Step Two: Kellyanne chastises the interviewer for asking such a tough question.

Step Three: Kellyanne then rambles on through gritted teeth about any number of things that don’t involve how terrible her candidate is. Among her favorites are conspiracy theories about liberals, bitching about the media, and oh, shiny objects! Wouldn’t we much rather talk about shiny objects than about what a racist, sexist pig her boss is?

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Our girl Kellyanne worked really hard to cover up her boss’ various pussy-grabbing misdeeds, and was punished rewarded with a mysterious “big position” in Trump’s new administration. In the meantime, though, she remains Trump’s babysitter spokesperson. Normally a spokesperson is supposed to be – you know, professional – but our girl Kellyanne threw out the rulebook on Sunday during an interview with CNN’s Dana Bash. When asked about the possibility of Trump picking Mitt Romney as Secretary of State, Kellyanne had this to say:

“I’m all for party unity, but I’m not sure we have to pay for that with the secretary of state position. It’s just breathtaking in scope and intensity the type of messages I’ve received from all over the country … the number of people who feel betrayed to think that Gov. Romney would get the most prominent Cabinet post after he went so far out of his way to hurt Donald Trump.”

Much like other Trump-brand Game of Thrones players, Kellyanne has decided to take the not-so-subtle route in telling her boss she thinks he’s a fucking idiot. Needless to say, Trump didn’t take too kindly to that shit. Two sources from the Trump camp said the Orange Don is “furious” that our girl Kellyanne is “pushing her own agenda” instead of doing her job like a normal person. Hmmm, wonder who those “two sources” could be? Does one of them look like he’s winning his battle against bulimia and alcohol abstention, while the other looks like a total narc?

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Are we really surprised that Trump’s administration is already cannibalizing itself? I mean, when you look at the great role model they have at the top, why wouldn’t it be every man or woman for themselves?

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If you’re in Trump’s administration, you’ve got approximately a year or two before Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget either fires you for some indiscernible reason or he gets impeached. You might as well take everything you can get before you find yourself in the unemployment line. Because in the Trump-Brand Game of Thrones, you either win, or you – well, actually, nobody wins the Trump-brand Game of Thrones, least of all America.

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Photo Credits: The Telegraph, Mofo Politics, YouTube, Tumblr, Fox News, Giphy, Pop Sugar

Who Will Win The Trump-Brand, Super-Classy, Yugely Successful Game of Thrones?

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So many candidates! Will it be alt-right studmuffin Steve Bannon, former editor-in-chief of Breitbart, seen here looking hobo-chic (which only drives the liberal dykes crazy)?

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Or perhaps it will be Republican Littlefinger and newly-appointed Chief-of-Staff Reince Priebus (or Rinse Pubis as he’s known to his buddy, prominent sleeptalker Dr. Ben Carson), seen here contemplating how to make the new Republican platform only a hair less bigoted.

It remains to be seen, but boy are they already fighting dirty. You see, these guys fucking hate each other. Neither one seems to particularly like the Orange Don, either. Rinse Pubis endorsed Trump with all the excitement of a man who’s come to terms with his initial herpes diagnosis. “Yeah, it’s official – it’s a cold sore on my dick, alright. But it’s my cold sore and my dick, so I guess we’ll be friends eventually.” Bannon, before getting on board the Trump Train, didn’t seem too keen on the idea of putting a sociopathic orangutan in America’s highest office. He told Vanity Fair this past summer that Trump was “a blunt instrument – I don’t know whether he really gets it or not.”

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But never let it be said that Hobo Steve doesn’t know a good mark when he sees one. Not too long after calling Trump a clueless tool, he hopped on the Drumpf Express and rode it all the way to Washington, DC.

Sadly, America, there can only be one who sits atop the Cheeto-encrusted throne. Already in the last couple of days, Rinse Pubis and Hobo Steve were vying to be the victors of a game where pretty much everybody loses. It started with a seemingly innocuous appointment for their poodle-coiffed pawn to meet with the New York Times. The Orange Don was scheduled to meet with the Times yesterday. He abruptly cancelled that meeting the only way he knows how: by going on a Twitter rant.

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He claimed that the NYT changed the terms of their meeting. Turns out, though, it was Trump’s camp who changed the terms of that meeting, not them. From the New York Times:

“[Trump] abruptly called off his meeting at The Times in a Twitter post, contending that the paper had changed its terms for how the conversation could be reported. A Times spokeswoman, Eileen Murphy, said the paper had made no such changes, and said that Mr. Trump’s team requested on Monday that the meeting be off the record — a request The Times declined. Three people with knowledge of Mr. Trump’s deliberations said that Reince Priebus, the incoming White House chief of staff, had tried to scuttle the meeting at The Times by telling Mr. Trump, erroneously, that the newspaper was shifting its terms. Mr. Priebus had been among those urging the president-elect to cancel his interview because he could face questions he might not be prepared to answer, these people said.”

Hmmm, wonder who those three sources from inside the Trump camp could be? My guess is, at least one of them looks like he’ll die of an aneurysm after about five minutes of disappointing a call girl.

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Of course, Trump eventually capitulated (like he does on pretty much everything he promises to do) and met with the Times after all. And of course, he said pretty much all the crazy shit his boy Rinse Pubis was afraid he would say. You can read the full transcript of the interview here, but among the highlights were that he’s never, ever, going to prosecute Hill-Dog, that the President “can’t have a conflict-of-interest,” and that his zero-experience son-in-law could be broker an Israel-Palestine peace deal. You know, the usual promises that the next four years will be a dumpster fire.

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We eagerly anticipate future machinations in this Game of Bone-Heads. If we’re being honest, they’re all going to lose when they get fired about a year into Trump’s term, but we don’t wanna burst their bubbles. We’re rooting for both of these rubes to at least make it past President Camacho’s impeachment first term.

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