The Orange Don: America’s (Ill) Legitimate Child

It’s officially three days before America becomes the laughingstock of the world gets its next president. So put down the bath salts, America: it’s time to get serious about what this means for our country. You can go to your methed-out, naked street-corner ranting when we’re done.

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Thanks to Russia’s interference in our elections, there’s been a lot of talk about the coked-up orangutan we less-than-affectionately call our President Elect. Because Russia decided to do some shady-ass shit like hack into the DNC database and release the very true information contained therein – because Russia decided to spread fake news like a herpes virus (or a Kardashian reality show, take your pick as to which on is more dangerous and contagious) – and because Trump is stacking his Cabinet with a bunch of Russia sympathizers – a lot of liberals have taken it upon themselves to declare the Orange Don an “illegitimate” president. Rep. John Lewis, Rep. Dianne Feinstein, and director Michael Moore all claimed that Trump’s presidency is about legit as his hairline.

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Sorry to say, America, but deep down you know that shit ain’t true. Trump is a monster of our own making. To say he’s illegitimate not only contradicts everything our intelligence community has told us, but ignores a deeper truth: Donald J. Trump is legitimate as fuck.

If y’all want to hide in your bubble, that’s fine. But hear us out: talk to Trump supporters. There are a lot of them. Sure, some (not all) of them believe fake news. Oftentimes, though the source is American, not Russian. With all the bullshit Breitbart pumps out on a daily basis, Putin’s trolls making up fake stories was pretty superfluous.

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Did it ever occur to you, America, that people seek out this shit because of a little thing called “confirmation bias”? Liberals do it too. If you see something that challenges your worldview about Obama or Trump (depending on your outlook) being the perfect scion of humanity, you avoid that shit like the plague. (Editor’s note: Trump is still the worst – but that doesn’t mean that every shitty thing you read about him is true).

By way of anecdotal evidence: we have a close relative that is crazy, blindly Republican. It doesn’t matter what asshole has the “R” next to his name – even if that person completely contradicts our relative’s worldview and everything he holds dear, our relative will pull the lever for that asshole. Growing up, all we heard from this relative was what a piece of shit Bill Clinton was for dodging the draft. As a war veteran himself, the relative took great offense to that part of Slick Willie’s bio. Understandable! So when we confronted him with the information that Donald J. Trump was also a draft dodger, guess what happened? Do you think that changed his vote? Fuck no. He still voted for Trump. He mumbled excuses and has never spoken a word to us about it again. It’s way too uncomfortable for him – the notion that a beloved Republican would be so unpatriotic as to dodge the draft and make no sacrifice for his country besides building a beautiful structure or two.

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My relative believed what he wanted to believe, even when confronted with the evidence that his belief was in no way based on fact. He had already decided he was going to vote for the Republican, and there was absolutely nothing that was going to change his mind. That’s not Russian interference, though we wish it were America, because then we might actually be able to do something about the orange shit stain that is about to take our nation’s highest office. We know liberals would love to remain in a state of denial about this, but it’s only serving to distract us from doing the work that needs to be done: getting everyone, Republican and Democrat, on board with enacting meaningful, positive change in our country.

So wake up. It’s depressing to think that people actually chose a sociopathic cockatiel to be our next president, but they did. Russia didn’t hack into the voting booths to make that shit happen, either. Come Inauguration Day, there’s gonna be thousands of people enthusiastically cheering him on as he says what is likely to be the most reprehensible shit that’s ever been uttered during the democratic exchange of power. Some of his supporters love him for saying that shit – some of them love him in spite of him saying that shit – either way, they represent a significant minority that wants him up there. And they voted him in of their own free will. Donald J. Trump is America’s ill, legitimate child. And we’re about to give that child run of the place. No amount of denial will change that.

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Photo Credits: AttnGoodreads, Tumblr, Giphy, Mic, Giphy

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President Camacho’s Press Conference Had Just The Right Amount of WWE Pageantry

He could’ve gone the tasteful route and answered questions like a normal human being, but the Orange Don rightly suspected that his adoring public was expecting more of him. Consequently, his first press conference as President Elect of the most powerful country in the world more closely resembled a WWE cage match than a question-and-answer session with the Chief Executive. Kenny Powers would be proud.

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Ostensibly, the presser-turned-clusterfuck was supposed to be about the Orange Don severing all business ties so he could at least pretend he was going to comply with our nation’s ethics rules. To that end, he brought out piles of manila folders he claimed were filled with all the paperwork he’d filed to put his company in blind trusts in the hands of his demon spawn children. Of course, the media grew instantly suspicious when asked to believe that the coked-up orangutan read that many documents when they didn’t even have any pictures on them, and so asked to see them. This is how the deranged cockatiel responded:

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That response, combined with the fact that none of the papers that were poking out had anything written on them:

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Convinced pretty much everyone with a working set of eyeballs that the folders were like everything in the Orange Don’s life, to include his wives, children, and business ventures: they were only there for show.

When Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget realized that the media wasn’t impressed with his tiny penis yuge stacks of folders, which should have proven he had the biggest, classiest, most successful business empire the world had ever seen, he got more than little testy. When he realized that all anyone wanted to ask him about was a leaked dossier that revealed his love of Russia, prostitutes, and golden showers, he got even more pissed (ha!).

A CNN reporter found out the hard way that Trump doesn’t arrange press conferences to answer questions so much as he does to give a reality-show-level performance the Kardashians only wish they’d thought of first. He tried to ask Trump about the dossier, which prompted Trump to berate the reporter in the same way he probably screams at his hairline when he looks in the mirror every morning.

“‘Your organization is terrible,’ Trump told CNN’s Jim Acosta when he tried to ask a question.

‘You’re attacking us, can you give us a question?’ Acosta replied.

‘Don’t be rude. No, I’m not going to give you a question. You are fake news,’ Trump responded.

Then, just to prove he’s trolling us all, he took a question from the real fake news organization, Breitbart. All the while, paid staffers from his administration applauded him and booed hostile questions from the media. At one point, his fluffy spokesperson, Sean Spicer, threatened to have the reporter removed from the presser.

All in all, we give Trump’s presser four out of five suplexes. We’re withholding the fifth suplex, because we know he can do better. Both the WWE and other, more successful dictators have given him the roadmap to succeed.

Our humble suggestions: Next time a reporter gives you lip, bust his ass with a folding chair. Maybe even teabag him while he’s rolling around on the floor to emphasize your point that this jabroni is indeed a purveyor of fake news. Don’t rely on your paid audience to cheer when you unleash your patented WWE moves: install lighted “applause” signs to give them their cues. Maybe instruct the cameraman to zoom in on a particularly hype audience member at just the right moment.

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At the end, shoot a gun into the air and stroll out with some smoking hot ring girls on each of your tiny little tea-pouring hands. Tell the press you’ll smell them later, drop the mic, and ride off into the sunset with a fog machine and a laser show enhancing your exit. Trust us – you’ll leave the haters breathless.

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Photo Credits: GIF Soup, Boing Boing, Barstool Sports, Total Pro Sports,  Chief Donald Trump

President-Elect Camacho’s National Security Team Is Looking Pretty Solid, You Guys

If the NSA’s goal is to rid the world of Muslims, the Orange Don certainly picked the right people for the job. Joining General Jack D. Ripper in Trump’s National Security Council will be Jihad Barbie, Monica Crowley, who will serve as strategic director of national communications. She’s seen here, looking like a Real Housewife who just got a blowout with her third husband’s alimony check:

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Jihad Barbie’s career has consisted of two notable bullet points: slobbing off a post-impeachment Richard Nixon so she could write a bunch of unauthorized biographies after his death, and writing (mostly) un-plagiarized “think pieces” for NPR, Fox News, and the Washington Post.

Her real qualification, though, stems from her progressive views on a religion shared in common by 1 billion people, all of whom are apparently evil motherfuckers. Here’s a sampling of some of the most outrageous shit Jihad Barbie has said about Muslims, from Yahoo:

“Some [refugees] may be fleeing war and persecution, but most are not. In fact, only about 10 percent of the new arrivals [into Europe] are from Syria; the other 90 percent are from elsewhere in the Middle East, North Africa and countries like Pakistan and Indonesia who are using the European Union’s open doors-open borders policy to reach the West for social welfare and the longer-term goal of spreading Islam.”

No word yet on where she pulled that “90 percent” statistic from, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say: her ass. The numbers show that there were actually 378,000 asylum seekers from Syria – by far the most of any country, comprising 29% of all asylum seekers. The next two countries were Afghanistan and Iraq, where – you know – actual wars are going on. We’re glad, though, that Jihad Barbie didn’t let a pesky thing like underestimating the number of Syrian refugees by a three-to-one ratio deter her from shooting off at the mouth.

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“We were told that many Muslims turned away food provided by the International Red Cross because it was stamped with a Christian cross.”

Someone tell the Red Cross to change their symbol back to the First Aid cross. It’s really confusing the Muslim refugees, who I’m so sure preferred starving to death over eating food that had a non-Christian cross stamped on it.

“Islam is no mere religion. It is an all-encompassing ideological system that dictates everything from law (Shariah) to personal relationships which also have religious elements. [….] It therefore requires that we fight this war the way we fought the Nazis in World War II and Soviet communists during the Cold War.”

Gurl, if one billion people decided to declare jihad on the Western World, we’d be super fucked. Also, we love how she’s like, “Islam is no mere religion. It has all these laws and moral codes – you know, like the very definition of a religion.”

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Our favorite, though, has to be this tweet, which Jihad Barbie ostensibly posted in support of the Orange Don’s brilliant Mexican wall plan:

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We don’t even know where to begin with this. First of all, aren’t conservatives supposed to hate Communism? Second of all, wasn’t the Berlin Wall an abject failure in preventing people from crossing over to the other side? I was a kid when the Wall was torn down at the request of a Republican president. I don’t remember much about that time, but I do remember everybody being super psyched about it coming down. From what I understand, people were not nearly as happy when the wall was built. But, hey, things like statistics and history and common sense are obviously not Jihad Barbie’s strong suit.

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We do wish we could be a fly on the wall when General Jack D. Ripper and Jihad Barbie get together for security briefings. We’re sure it’ll consist primarily of them live-Tweeting the latest conspiracy theories queefed out by Russian hackers. They’ve got a lot of work to do, though, if they want to outstrip their boss’ embarrassing social media gaffes.

Photo Credits: GiphyNewsbusters, Giphy, Giphy, NeoGAF, Funny GIFs

Texas Agriculture Commissioner Spreads Fake News Because He Can’t Tell the Difference Anyway

The fake news epidemic has (hopefully) reached its climax, which is rude, America, because it didn’t even bother to try and get you to climax first. Be that as it may, fake news has gotten popular not merely because it is being spread by the mentally handicapped and Russian trolls, but also thanks to an unlikely source: the Agriculture Commissioner of Texas, Sid Miller. He’s seen here, looking like the mutant rodeo clown offspring that resulted from the time Larry Hagman fucked a bridge troll:

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Jesus, Texas, was Foghorn Leghorn too busy to serve as Agriculture Commissioner? Anyway, this guy, who we feel duty-bound to remind you was a teacher before he became a public servant, has spread more fake news on social media than the Orange Don’s buddies at the National Enquirer. Among our favorites are the stories about Muslims running a terrorist training camp in rural Texas (because jihadists can really blend in there), Lady Gaga covering her face until Trump gets out of office, and the US Communist Party endorsing Hillary Clinton.

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When confronted about posting blatant lies on Facebook, Sid took his bae Trump’s approach: he blew it off. From Yahoo:

“I’m not a news source. I shouldn’t be held to that standard. I put things up there. I’m very, very active on it. Hundred and fifty posts a week. No, I’m not going to research every one of them. If it’s thought-provoking, I’ll put it up there and let the readers decide. [….] We will continue to post things we find newsworthy, interesting, thought-provoking. [sic] funny, or controversial and let our followers decide whether its [sic] news, satire, or something else. As they say over at Fox News. [sic] We report. You decide!”

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God, don’t you just love the accidental shade Sid threw at his precious Fox News? He posts fake shit because he subscribes to the same journalistic philosophy as them. Anyway, we here at GossiPol are not journalists, so we really feel like we could learn something from Larry Hagman’s busted butt buddy. We feel compelled to follow Sid’s example and “report” things about him that we find “interesting” and “thought-provoking.” No, we’re not going to “research” every one of these stories. You, the reader, can decide whether it’s “news, satire, or something else.”

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First up is this story about Sid Miller that we found on the interwebs. Back in early November, our buddy Sid tweeted that Hillary Clinton was a “cunt.” Instead of taking ownership of that Tweet, he blamed it on being hacked. When that shit didn’t stick, he blamed it on a staffer. The real story here, America, is:

You heard it here first, America: Sid Miller doesn’t have a penis. If you were to pull his pants down around his cowboy boots, he’d look like a Ken doll. What else are we to make of the fact that he doesn’t have the gonads to take responsibility for calling KILLARY a cunt? Only a man without genitalia would do something like this. We haven’t “researched” this story, but we felt it was “thought-provoking” enough to put on social media. You decide, America: Does Sid Miller have a penis?

Here’s another good story we just stumbled on. Sid participates in orgiastic blood rituals involving cows. How do we know this? Well, he posted a Yelp review criticizing a local restaurant for bringing him a sirloin instead of a ribeye. He posted a positive review of another restaurant because: “Everything is very juicy.”

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What else are we to make of this, America? Sid Miller wants a “juicy” steak so he can save the blood that runs off the meat and participate in the kind of “Spirit Cooking” popularized by KILLARY’s aide John Podesta. The mainstream media won’t cover this kind of story because they’re too afraid of being the next victims in Sid Miller’s Satanic blood sacrifices. WAKE UP SHEEPLE! Now, we’re not a “news source,” so we shouldn’t be held up to any kind of “standard” in deciding whether or not Sid Miller actually does sacrifice cow’s blood to his dark lord and savior, Lucifer. You decide, America: Does Sid Miller practice “Spirit Cooking”?

Ooh, we’ve got one more story coming in hot off the presses, and this one is too “controversial” to ignore: Sid Miller is a secret Muslim terrorist! How do we know? It’s obvious if you read the signs. He posted this meme to his Facebook in August:

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He’s always talking about how scared he is that the US will become a “Muslim country.” But if he really wants to bomb Muslims, then how does he know about the location of their secret terrorist training camp? BECAUSE HE’S ONE OF THEM, DUH! Only a sleeper agent would pretend to be that xenophobic. It’s the perfect cover! We don’t know if this story is really true or not, America, but we posted it just so you could make up your own mind. After all, we subscribe to the same motto popularized by Fox News and Sid “Secret Muslim” Miller: We report. You decide.

Photo Credits: Valley Central, Tumblr, Tenor, Giphy, Her Campus At Minnesota, Tenor, Political Fails