The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: The Hurricane Trump Edition

Poor, poor President Camacho. He’s under a lot of stress lately. First Daddy Kelly cut off the lifeblood of his paranoid Tweefs (Breitbart) and then a bunch of ratings-whore hurricanes required him to do actual work. And we all know how much the Orange Don hates working.

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A lot of you probably don’t know this, but in times of stress, the Kumquat Despot can be quite eloquent. With the weight of the world bearing down on him due to his complete and utter incompetence the lamestream media, not to mention the fact that his main homegirl and confidante Steve Bannon was unceremoniously dumped by Daddy Kelly, President Camacho needed an outlet for his anxiety. Who better to help him than his friend and erstwhile pen pal, Pickle?

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Because we are a premier political gossip blog, we got a copy of Trump’s second letter to his buddy, 9-year-old POTUS super-fan “Pickle.”

Hey Potato Chip,

How’s it hangin’? Mine are to the ground! Just so you know, I’m talking about deez nutz. You know what I’m talking about. Kids know life. I haven’t heard back since my last letter. Whatever. It probably got lost in the mail. I get shitloads of mail. That’s because I’m an important person. The MOST important person. Only important people get mail like I get mail. Make sure you send that quote to the failing New York Times so they understand how important I am. Sometimes they don’t get the memo. Not that I care. I’m too busy doing grown-up stuff like being President.

Speaking of being unpresidented, Melon Ball, I’m doing a lot of that lately. I don’t know how much Fox News you watch, but if you get your Chief of Staff to turn it on for you, they’ll tell you that I’m pretty much the greatest ever. For example, the hurricanes. There were these tremendous hurricanes that hit some of the loser poor states. At first I thought they were talking about the drink. They’re not booze though. They’re storms.

This one, Harvey, was a Category 5. No, Broccoli Tot, they’re not talking about a woman who looks super-basic – that means a whole fuckload of water gets dumped on beautiful structures. Everyone was super happy about it. Practically nobody died, and if they did they were probably too unsuccessful to care about. Maybe if they had better branding, like the Coast Guard, I would’ve noticed. Me and the Coast Guard saved a bunch of people’s lives. Here I am with two cats:

 

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Don’t look that up. It’s totally me. Believe me. Like I said, Zucchini Bread, the hurricanes were beautiful. When I went to Texas, a bunch of people threw me a campaign rally out of nowhere. That’s what happens when you’re a big shot like me.

Of course, there are a lot of haters and losers out there, Lemon Spritzer, especially on 9/11. You’d think people would show a little respect for me on that day, especially considering Trump Tower was the tallest after those loser Muslims knocked down the Twin Towers. They said I talked during a moment of silence for the 9/11 victims, but only an idiot would be distracted by…

Holy crap, Pumpkin Pie, did you see what ESPN said about me? Not ESPN, the black chick on ESPN, Jack-in-the-Box. She said I’m a “white supremacist,” whatever that is. It’s crazy how they let the Blacks have opinions now. My house elf Jeff Sessions told me he’d make a law against that, but so far, nothing! That guy is the worst. I should’ve fired him a long time ago, but he still hasn’t told me where his pot of gold is. I’m no idiot – he’s not leaving unless I get it.

Well, Roasted Garlic, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got LOTS of major Tweets to send, and this KFC deuce isn’t gonna drop itself. Daddy Kelly says I’m supposed to call Mexico and send my “condolences” (that’s a made-up word and he knows it) since they stole our thunder (just like they steal our jobs) and had a hurricane AND an earthquake. It can wait. What’s the worst that can happen – are they gonna pull millions of dollars in aid just because I’m an asshole? I’d like to see that happen! Smell ya later, Corn Flakes!

Your Pal, Donnie

P.S. OK, I’m not panicking or anything, but turns out Mexico is pulling that funding. Shit. What am I gonna do? I know! I’ll just say I tried to call the Mexico’s cell phone, but they were all out of minutes. That should work!

P.P.S. You can write back anytime. You can even mow my lawn. I’ve kicked all the Mexicans out, so I’ve only got little white kids to do it for me. You ARE white, right? I’d hate to deport you like all those Dreamers.

 

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tenor, The Washington Post, Snopes

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Defending Ted Cruz’s Twitter Porno “Like”

Yesterday, the nation experienced the unthinkable: a terror attack that came from a Hispanic immigrant inside our very own borders. Our Orange Overlord warned us this would happen.

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This immigrant found his way into our country from Canada, where his Communist forbear was living at the time. He came to the United States, exploiting our permissive immigration laws that allow American citizens to move here without even having to so much as undergo a background check. He bided his time and used taxpayer dollars to go to our finest universities, likely usurping the rightful place of a natural-born, WASP American citizen. The whole time, he masked his true identity – Rafael Cruz – and posed as the unassuming Zodiac Killer.

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Under this assumed identity, he made his way to Congress. After he lost the 2016 Republican Primary to a sociopathic orangutan, Cruz saw his opportunity to lay bare America’s crumbling counterterrorism infrastructure and commit one of the most unholy, reprehensible acts: he liked a pornographic video on Twitter, thus forcing a vulnerable nation to picture his melting face contorted in ecstasy while he furiously faps to a three-way.

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Of course, Ted Cruz made a convenient excuse and said one of his “staffers” liked the video posted by @SexuallPosts. And you know what, America? We believe him. Besides the fact that we know Ted Cruz would only like a porno if it involved a copious and filthy application of Campbell’s soup, we just know in our gut this has to be true. After all, having a huge, throbbing staff problem is nothing to toy with.

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Letting another man jerk you around by getting off on your lap(top) sounds like fun, but there is a crisis point where it gets old really quick.

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Once something like this becomes public, you find yourself in a sticky situation.

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More and more people dogpile on you. Soon, what started out as a simple one-on-one issue becomes a free-for-all where everybody gets their licks in.

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It’s funny to watch, but when a turgid, engorged staff problem explodes all over your face, it’s not so humorous. There’s a huge mess for you to clean up at the end. And all the tissue paper in the world won’t help Ted Cruz clean it up.

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OK, just one more! Ted Cruz is not dicking around with his staff, anymore. No more Twitter for them!

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Photo Credits: Reddit, Giphy, Tumblr, Imgur, Make A GIF, Giphy, Tenor, Giphy, Tenor, Reddit

Breaking News: President Camacho STILL Hates Immigrants

When we say “Breaking News,” we mean it entirely in the CNN sense of the word, as in not breaking, not new, and not at all surprising. On Tuesday, the Orange Don sent his house elf Attorney General out to break the bad news that he was rescinding DACA. The Obama-era immigration policy allowed undocumented immigrants who entered the US as minor children to get work permits. People with serious criminal records or who did not graduate from high school were not eligible for the program. Of course, we can’t have that shit. Not on Donald J. Trump’s watch! From PBS Newshour:

“The Trump administration announced Tuesday it would scale back [DACA]. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in the announcement that Congress will have time — six months — to draft legislation that would protect these immigrants known as ‘dreamers’ before permits begin to expire March 5, 2018. [….] ‘If we were to keep the Obama Administration’s executive amnesty policy, the likeliest outcome is that it would be enjoined [….]. The Department of Justice has advised the President and the Department of Homeland Security that DHS should begin an orderly, lawful wind down, including the cancellation of the memo that authorized this program.’”

 

We’re sure Sessions moved the podium a few inches when he made this announcement. Oppressing minorities just gets Ms. Sessions so hot and bothered.

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We can’t even say that this was Trump fulfilling a campaign promise, since he’s said both that he wanted to end DACA and that Dreamers didn’t have anything to worry about because he has a “big heart.” To be fair to Trump, though, he’s clearly not very good at estimating size, so he wasn’t intending to lie when he said he had a big heart.

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If only the Apricot Asshole admired people the way he admires golf and gold-plated toilets, the world would be a better place. But because the orange-tinted man-baby that currently occupies the White House is nothing if not stalwart in his political views, he’s Tweefed out a series of cohesive messages affirming his position on DACA. We’re just fucking with you, OF COURSE he’s all over the map. After all, it’s hard choosing between sucking off his white-hooded political base and being a loved and respected world leader. First, he re-Tweeted a message from a Russian bot his Twitter fan group “The Trump Train” that read:

“We are a nation of laws. No longer will we incentivize illegal immigration.”

You hear that, immigrants? FUCK YOU! Country’s full! No vacancy! Except, hold on, the President is Tweefing again.

“Congress now has 6 months to legalize DACA (something the Obama Administration was unable to do). If they can’t, I will revisit this issue!”

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What are you going to do, big man? ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT YOU JUST GOT YOUR MIDGET ATTORNEY GENERAL TO TELL US WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL? THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO! Alright, sorry America – we’re yelling again. We just still can’t believe that the Kumquat Despot hasn’t gotten around to watching that Schoolhouse Rock separation of powers episode.

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Why bother when you can learn everything there is to know about racism immigration from your ex-girlfriend, Steve Bannon? We’ll get to his sorry ass later when his 60 Minutes episode airs this weekend, but we’re already anticipating great things from this teaser quote, which truly sums up this administration’s viewpoint on DACA:

“Former White House chief strategist Steven Bannon said the Catholic Church’s support of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, is economically driven and owes to the church’s struggle to fill pews. ‘To come to grips with the problems in the church, they need illegal aliens. They need illegal aliens to fill the churches. It’s obvious on the face of it,’ Bannon said.”

Trump, gurl, quit drunk-dialing your ex! It’s not good for you – or the country.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, GIF Images Download, Giphy, Dlisted, Make a GIF, Good Reads

Drunk Tweefing: The Donald Trump-Meryl Streep Edition

Last night, for what has to be the millionth time in his life, President Camacho found himself under attack from some nobody loser who’s just jealous of him. That sorry sack of shit is Meryl Streep, who’s probably never won anything on her own merit and just rode her daddy’s coattails to success. Oh, wait – actually, that’s Donald Trump we were thinking of. Meryl Streep is an acclaimed actress who’s been at the top of her game for the last five decades and counting and won three Academy Awards out of 19 nominations. You know – total hack.

When Meryl accepted a lifetime-achievement Golden Globe award for being just the most untalented actress ever, she used her acceptance speech to call out the Orange Don for being – well, himself. From CNN:

“There was one performance this year that stunned me. [….] It was that moment when the person asking to sit in the most respected seat in our country imitated a disabled reporter. Someone he outranked in privilege, power and the capacity to fight back. [….] This instinct to humiliate when it’s modeled by someone in the public … by someone powerful, it filters down into everyone’s life because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same.”

Just in case y’all missed it, this is the epic “performance,” where Trump mocked disabled NYT reporter Serge Kovaleski:

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Give this asshole an Oscar! We really didn’t think there was any way someone as mentally disabled as Trump could achieve even close to an approximation of what a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist sounds like, but he didn’t even come close did it!

Trump’s excuses after the fact were predictable for the adult, orange-tinted King Joffrey. First he tried to say he didn’t know the reporter that well, despite the fact that he told the audience before launching into his witty impersonation, “You gotta see this guy.” Oh, and the fact that they’ve met at least a dozen times.

Then, he launched a whole new movement, about as tasteless as the birther movement he led when the scary Black man took office and fixed the economy: the “I Wasn’t Really Mocking That Guy” Truther Movement. That’s just how Trump looks and sounds when he’s making fun of people, you guys. Never mind the fact that he’s constantly making fun of people, which makes him an asshole bully, but also that he doesn’t act that way unless he’s making fun of a physically disabled man. Check this 40 minute video of him insulting his betters in 2016 if you don’t believe us.

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So of course, because Meryl Streep is a woman, talented, and insulted him, our soon-to-be chief executive had to respond the only way he knows how: by Tweefing out insults.

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Why does this qualify as “Drunk Tweefing” when the Orange Don doesn’t even drink alcohol? Because the fumes emanating from his Tweefs make us feel drunk (that is, disoriented, regretful, and nauseous). And when he writes shit like, “I would never” mock a disabled person, he may as well have been impaired. No Donald, not you. The guy who says shit like this:

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And this:

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Oh, and also this:

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Would never be so classless as to insult a person based on their appearance. Dude, do yourself a favor and say it with us: “I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” Ready?

Sigh. Never mind.

Photo Credits: That ScoopGiphy, Giphy, Elite Daily, Odyssey, Giphy, Attn, Buzzfeed

President Camacho Still Has Hurt Feelings Over Russian Hacking

Interesting how a man so intent on calling out all the “haters and losers” is so very, very thin-skinned himself. We’re sure the DSM-5 entry on narcissism has something to say about that, but we digress…

In case you were passed out after yet another epic computer duster bender, America, let us bring you up to speed. Russia hacked the DNC and Hillary aide John Podesta. They passed that info on to WikiLeaks, who published it right before the election. Russian operatives also spread fake news. All of this was done because Vladimir Putin preferred a brain-dead cockatiel as US President as opposed to the woman who gave him hell as Secretary of State. When Trump was elected President by the Electoral College American people, senior Russian officials celebrated.

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As we’ve stated before, none of this means that Russia’s interference actually affected the results of the election. We will never know if it did or not, though we suspect that Americans were just gullible enough on their own to believe that a narcissistic, sociopathic reality show host was going to solve everyone’s problems by building a Wall and draining the swamp by the pussy (that’s how it goes, right?). But still – these reports really hurt the Orange Don’s feelings, y’all. He really wants to believe that he achieved a historic Electoral College victory (he’s actually in the bottom quarter of all time) and that he won the popular vote because he’s so bigly successful and talented (he lost it by close to three million).

So the very idea that a Russian dictator even tried helping him cuts our Orange Overlord to the quick. That’s probably why he threw a gigantic hissy fit in an interview with the NY Times.

“Mr. Trump spoke to The New York Times by telephone three hours before he was set to be briefed by the nation’s top intelligence and law enforcement officials about Russian hacking of American political institutions. In the conversation, he repeatedly criticized the intense focus on the alleged cyber intrusions by Russia. ‘China, relatively recently, hacked 20 million government names,’ he said, referring to the breach of computers at the Office of Personnel Management in late 2014 and early 2015. ‘How come nobody even talks about that? This is a political witch hunt.’”

OK bitch, first off, people did talk about those hacks. If they didn’t, how the fuck would you know about it, since all you know is what you read on the internet?

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Maybe “people talk” about this one more because you won’t shut the fuck up about it? Honestly, we hear more from Trump on Russian hacking than we do from half the members of Congress. Even if people don’t talk about it – that doesn’t mean the Russians didn’t hack the DNC. No matter how much attention the story gets, is every intelligence agency in America making up the fact that Russia hacked us? Maybe if you waited three hours and got your damn intelligence briefing for once, you’d know a little bit more about the issue. But no, definitely run your mouth off to the NYT and fire off some ill-advised Tweefs before the briefing. It’s why Putin chose you, boo.

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That’s probably also why one of his most experienced intel advisors quit that bitch. Apparently, former CIA director James Woolsey didn’t take too kindly to Trump refusing most of his intelligence briefings and shutting him out of meetings. He’s the second senior intelligence advisor to quit after Rep. Mike Rogers, who got pushed out by Stockholm Syndrome Barbie’s husband, Jared Kushner.

But what really singed President Camacho’s ass hairs was the galling fact that the media knew more about the Russian hacks than he did. Our future chief executive Tweefed out his frustration that NBC News scooped him on the Russian hacking intelligence report.

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Hmmm – wonder why NBC News got the jump on you, Donny Boy? Perhaps you would’ve had a heads up if you – ahemGOT YOUR INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGS MORE THAN ONCE A WEEK? Sorry for shouting America, but we figured the Orange Don couldn’t hear us as well with his fingers stuck in his ears. This really puts us in mind of something Game of Thrones creator George R.R. Martin said, and we think it applies here. When asked which of his characters Trump most resembles, Martin said, without skipping a beat: King Joffrey. We think this scene from Game of Thrones really sums up what it must be like to be a knowledgeable public official trying to advise a sociopath with the mindset of a 10-year-old boy.

What makes King Joffrey AND Donald Trump madder than anything is not being consulted first on everything. Even though they have absolutely zero interest in the day-to-day governance – you know, actual work – they like the feeling of being important and having power. Whether their people are happy and safe is of precisely ZERO concern to them. To be revealed as the Wizard of Oz and not the true power behind the throne is more than their delicate egos can take. Seriously you guys – watch that scene and tell us you don’t see shades of Trump in Joffrey Baratheon. And to think – in two weeks he’ll be our president.

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