Nothing Like A Good, Old-Fashioned Natural Disaster To Help You With A News Dump

And no, we’re not talking about the Orange Don’s daily (judging by his Twitter feed) KFC dumps. Rather, we’re talking about all of the news about the Trump Administration that would make 75% of the country cringe in horror. You see, when most people hear that something awful like a Category 4 hurricane is about to make a direct hit on Texas, they feel #Sad! President Donald J. Trump, however, is not most people. The Kumquat Despot felt happy, and maybe a little turned on? We’ll let his Tweefs do the talking.

“Wonderful coordination between Federal, State and Local Governments in the Great State of Texas – TEAMWORK! Record setting rainfall.”

“Many people are now saying that this is the worst storm/hurricane they have ever seen. Good news is that we have great talent on the ground.”

“Wow – Now experts are calling a once in 500 year flood! We have an all out effort going, and going well!”

“Going to a Cabinet Meeting (tele-conference) at 11:00 A.M. on . Even experts have said they’ve never seen one like this!”

The way he erotically describes the size and scope of Hurricane Harvey is just a teeny bit off-putting. Trump talks about this storm like he birthed it from his quivering, orange loins. “Check this, America! I made this storm! No storm has flooded more homes, killed more people, or displaced more minorities than mine!”

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We suspect his attitude of “not un-proud” ownership will change as soon as people realize he was even more unprepared than George W. Bush was for Katrina. How unprepared, you ask? Well, FEMA’s parent agency, the Department of Homeland Security, hasn’t had a permanent director for almost a month now. The Orange Don took Daddy Kelly from DHS so he could torment him replace his shitcanned chief of staff, Rinse Pubis, and still hasn’t replaced him. He only appointed the FEMA director in June, almost six months after he took office.

We don’t blame him, though. Can’t have pesky things like running the country interfere with important work like golfing and Tweefing, can we?

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Harvey provided Trump with more than just pride, though. The loss of a few million Texans is our Orange Overlord’s gain. There were a couple of, shall we say, unpopular news items that the Orange Don decided to release the same day Harvey made landfall.

First up, Trump finally followed through on his promise to reinstate the ban on transgender people serving in the military. The directive also prohibited the US military from funding transition surgery for trans individuals currently serving. He left the question of whether transgender people could continue serving up to his generals (hint: they’ve already studied the issue, and they’re fine with it). This order is unpopular, but don’t take our word for it. Even his Interior Secretary’s daughter couldn’t resist the chance to burn the coked-up orangutan over his bullshit directive. From the Missoulian:

“The daughter of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, like her father a Navy veteran, appears, in the rawest of terms, to have excoriated President Donald Trump in a social media post after the announcement that transgender soldiers would be banned from the military.

‘This man is a disgrace. I’ve tried to keep politics out of my social media feed as much as possible, but this is inexcusable. [….] This veteran says sit down and shut the fuck up, you know-nothing, never-served piece of shit.’ She also used a hashtag, #itmfa, that is an acronym for ‘impeach the motherfucker already.’”


We have only one thing to say to the beautiful, no-fucks-given daughter of Ryan Zinke:

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Next, the Orange Don decided to give some love to ex-Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe is the Himmler to Trump’s Hitler. He’s the guy who fondly referred to the “tent city” he’d constructed for prison inmates as a “concentration camp.” Of course he immediately denied it like the pussy he is, despite the fact that he was caught saying this on fucking video.

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Sheriff Joe has done so many shitty things, we don’t have time to name them all here. A few of our favorites, though, are:

The time he framed an 18-year-old for a phony bomb plot.

The time he allowed Steven Seagal to drive a fucking tank through a guy’s house to serve a misdemeanor cockfighting warrant. Self-described “animal lover” Seagal then helped deputies euthanize over 100 roosters on the spot.

The time he arrested two reporters for the Phoenix New Times the same day they published an unflattering article about this paragon of justice.

After $142 million in lawyer’s fees and settlements and a federal contempt conviction for failing to stop racially profiling people, naturally the Orange Don felt a twinge of sympathy for his soul sister in corruption and pardoned one of the most racist, corrupt men in America. Look on the bright side, though, America! Consider this practice for when Trump has to pardon himself. Finally, something the President will be prepared for.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Buzzfeed, Reaction GIFs


Well, That Took Long…

Remember how yesterday, we predicted that the Orange Don would fuck up the relative good will generated by his “big boy speech” (what we call an event where Donald Trump talks for more than two minutes straight without yelling a racial slur or shitting his pants)? All it took was a campaign-style rally (whatever the fuck that is) in Phoenix, Arizona, and less than 24 hours later, we have our old coked-up orangutan buddy back! We’d like to brag about being psychic:

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But honestly, it’s like predicting that water will be wet, the sky will be blue, and Bachelorette suitors will be douchey. Trump ranted and raved for over an hour, while Daddy Kelly gritted his teeth in consternation and Mike Pence polished off his “President of the United States” name plate. His supporters found out that there is such thing as a Klan rally that goes over time, gradually filing out as the Kumquat Despot ticked off his Arya-styles kill list.

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First on that kill list was the media. It didn’t take long for Trump to empty his purse on national TV. A few minutes in, the Orange Don was dry-sobbing his way through a dramatic retelling of his handling of the tragedy in Charlottesville. Of course, like all good remakes, the director took a few – shall we say, liberties – with the truth. From the Washington Post:

“Trump reached into his suit pocket and removed a different set of talking points. [….] Trump then took more than 16 minutes to read the various statements that he made about Charlottesville over several days, noting the use of all-caps for one word and skipping over the part where he said that ‘many sides’ were responsible for the violence.

[….] The crowd repeatedly booed the reporters in their midst and chanted: ‘CNN sucks! CNN sucks!’

‘So they were having a hard time with that one, because I said everything,’ Trump said, then flippantly launching into a laundry list of hate groups. ‘I hit ’em with neo-Nazi. I hit ’em with everything. I got the white supremacists, the neo-Nazi. I got them all in there. Let’s see: KKK? We have KKK. I got ’em all.’

Trump eventually wrapped up this defense by saying, in part: ‘The words were perfect.’”

Is it just us, or does Trump remind you of a used car salesman when he’s ticking off the reasons he’s the real victim of the Charlottesville violence and not the woman who was mowed down by a fucking neo-Nazi?

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Several times throughout the speech, Trump claimed that all of the networks, including CNN, turned off the cameras that were broadcasting live because they feared his “perfect words.” From Vice:

“Trump also repeatedly accused a group of cameramen from various networks — including CNN, which he called out by name — of turning off their cameras to avoid broadcasting what he had to say. CNN broadcast the entire speech live.

‘Oh that’s so funny, look back there,’ Trump said, pointing to the cameras. ‘Those cameras are going off, oh wow. Why don’t you just fold them up and take them home? Oh, those cameras are going off. Wow. That’s the one thing, they’re very nervous to have me on live television because this can’t happen. You know what, I’m a person who wants to tell the truth, I’m an honest person and what I’m saying, you know, is exactly right.’”


Excuse us for a second:

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The speech was full of bizarre moments like this. It’s a clear sign, America – to us, anyway – that Trump is ready to leave office. When you watched him take the stage, it was clear that the Apricot Asshole is kind of like a 70’s rock band that’s sick and goddamn tired of playing the same greatest hits playlist to Middle America over and over again.

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There’s no joy in this for him anymore. He wants out. We think he’s hoping that somebody like Mitch McConnell actually accomplishes a Dynasty-style hostile boardroom takeover so he can go back to trolling America from the sidelines. Unfortunately for him (and us), that’s not how democracy works. When the Orange Don finally realizes that some magical board of trustees isn’t going to come in and replace him, he’ll resign. We predict by the end of the year.

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Photo Credits: Unilad, The Gloss, Viral Thread, Imgur, Giphy, Giphy, WiffleGIF

The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: President Donald J. Trump

There’s lots of groundbreaking world news we missed during our extended absence. Probably the most earth-shattering was the revelation that Donald Trump has a friend. That friend took the form of a carefully orchestrated distraction from the ineptitude of the Trump administration letter written by a 9-year-old boy whose friends call him “Pickle.” Here’s that letter in all its glory:

We know this letter excited the Orange Don for two reasons: First, because he finally had someone to talk to that could match the eloquence of his Twitter feed. Second, because he had his over-it lackey, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, read the letter to the press pool.

What a lot of people don’t know, however, is that the Kumquat Despot actually took time out of his busy Tweefing schedule (that’s qweefing out an ill-advised Tweet for all you rookies) to respond to his buddy Pickle’s letter. It went something like this:

Hey Cucumber,

It’s Don. Duh. Thanks for the letter. You could’ve sent me a Tweet, but you’re probably too poor to own a Tweet-making thingy. I’m not poor, though. I’m a billionaire. I’m worth, like, $5, $10, $15, $20 billion – it varies depending on how I feel in the morning. I even earned some of that money myself. What I didn’t lose in bankruptcy or alimony payments, I mean.

Anyway, if you ever decide to get a real job like I did, you should totally get a Tweet-making thingy. It’s great when you’re pushing out a KFC deuce and need something to do. I use it for important unpresidented stuff like calling Rosie O’Donnell fat and wishing all the haters and losers a happy 7/11 – I mean, 9/11. If I don’t like the job one of my babysitters – I mean staffers – is doing, I can use it to fire them, like I did to my old buddy Rinse Pubis. You should see the looks on their faces when they check out my Twitter feed and find out they’ve been shitcanned. Hilarious!

So Rutabaga, what do you like to do for fun? I love golfing. I’m the best at it. I can hit the ball farther than anybody, especially that little pipsqueak Michael Bloomberg. He thinks he’s so great just because he has a shit ton more money than me and is a much better politician. Sad! I like golf because it gives me a chance to get away from this dump of a White House. And I really need to get away. A LOT. It’s hard to appreciate a mansion like the White House when you’ve got a really classy place like Trump Tower to live in. Everything’s gold-plated. Putting gold on stuff means you’re important, and that your dad really loved you. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah – golf.

Golf gives me a chance to show off my sweet bod. I didn’t get married three times for nothing. Women LOVE me. You got that? They LOVE ME. Especially Melanoma, or whatever her name is. She does a lot of little things to show everyone how much she loves being my trophy wife. She plays handsy with me all the time in public. She stayed in New York even after I moved into the White House – just to keep the relationship FRESH and STEAMY. You know what I’m talking about, right Potato? You know life. Kids know life. OK, I’m talking about BONING.

Since we’re on the subject, a little advice about women from a guy who knows. You really wanna impress one, you’ve gotta pull out all the stops. I’m talking furniture shopping, planting fake stories with the Enquirer – whatever it takes to get in her pants. She might act like she’s not interested, just because she’s married or literally in the middle of doing her job, but trust me – she wants it. If you’re getting nowhere, just do what I do – grab her right by the pussy. Don’t let go until she turns 30 (gross!) or her green card expires.

Man, Fennel, you are SO lucky to be getting a letter from a guy like me. I’m really important, and I have the best brain for knowing things. I get the best intel, too. You’ll never believe this shit we got from the Israelis. They told us…damn, gotta go. Daddy Kelly is calling me. He says it’s time for a nap, but I’M NOT TIRED! I’ll show his ass. I’ll sic Bannon (if he ever stops sucking his own cock) or Kellyanne on him. Smell ya later, Turnip.

Your Friend,


P.S. Have you seen my poll numbers? They’re amazing. Big league.

P.P.S. Write again. I’m not lonely or anything, just wanna see how losers like you live.


You guys, we think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We’ll check in with Donald and his Pee Pee (that’s short for “pen pal,” get your minds out of the gutter!) periodically and see how they’re getting along. In the meantime, we leave you with Donnie Boy making a toot toot on a vroom vroom like a big boy!

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Photo Credits: Big Daddy Said, Mediaite, Giphy