Time For Trump Dogg and EPA To Regulate

Now that we have Nate Dogg rolling in his grave, let’s talk about something equally depressing: the Kumquat Despot’s full-blown assault on government regulations. We only have space for the EPA today, but we see you Betsy DeVos, you rape apologist cock sprain, and we’ll get to you soon enough.

It doesn’t sound sexy at first, but it gets a lot more exciting when you find out it’s only taken 8 months for the Trump administration to completely and utterly fuck this country for generations to come, simply by removing a few pesky laws to the benefit of their billionaire buddies.

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Don’t worry, America. We’ll do our best to pepper this boring-ass exposition with as many dick jokes and drag queen GIFs as humanly possible. Since you elected a Cheeto-dusted turd with the attention span of a goldfish on crack, we know you need visual aids and a hearty helping of cock talk to keep you interested. So here you go.

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Since Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget allowed the GOP’s Mad Magazine centerfold to utterly decimate environmental regulations, we’re already noticing some negative side effects. Who could have foreseen that allowing corporations to run roughshod over laws preventing pollution and water contamination would be such a shitty idea?

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Since Scott Pruitt took over as EPA Administrator, he and the Apricot Asshole have torched the following regulations. Keep in mind this list from National Geographic is not exhaustive:

• The advisory panel for the National Climate Assessment board has been eliminated.

• A couple of weeks before Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, Trump revoked an Obama-era regulation requiring federally-funded projects to adhere to a Federal Flood Risk Management Standard.

• Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Climate Accord, joining the dubious company of Syria and Nicaragua as the only countries not to sign on.

• EPA scientists recommended the total ban of the pesticide chlorpyrifos on account of it causing brain damage. Pruitt told them to go fuck themselves, probably on the advice the former Dow lobbyist who now works with him on hazardous chemical regulations.

• The Orange Don rescinded the Obama-era Clean Power Plan, which aimed to reduce CO2 emissions at power plants.

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Which brings us to the Arkema chemical plant spill. Due to a Category 4 windbag shitstorm hitting Texas (no we’re not talking about the President, because he’s obviously a Category 5), a plant just outside of Houston that manufactures plastics exploded and started spilling a shit ton of ALLEGEDLY toxic chemicals. I have to say ALLEGEDLY in all caps, since Arkema successfully lobbied the Trump administration to delay regulations on those chemicals. The CEO of Arkema insists that the explosive chemicals are perfectly safe to breathe in, which must be why 15 first responders had to be hospitalized after vomiting and asphyxiating on those harmless fumes.

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In fact, the chemicals are so safe to breathe, Arkema initially refused to tell people what those chemicals were. Which, of course, is perfectly legal in Texas because of their asshole former-AG current-governor, who said if people really wanted to know about what kind of chemicals were in their backyard power plant, they could drive around and ask the plants themselves. Thanks, Greg Abbott!

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With the awesome combined powers of the state of Texas and the Trump Administration (think of them as an earth-raping anti-Captain Planet), Houston is now proper fucked after Harvey. From the AP:

“Harvey’s filthy floodwaters pose significant dangers to human safety and the environment even after water levels drop far enough that Southeast Texas residents no longer fear for their lives, according to experts. [….] Also stirred into the noxious brew are spilled fuel, runoff from waste sites, lawn pesticides and pollutants from the region’s many petroleum refineries and chemical plants.”

Don’t worry, though! Pruitt’s EPA is on the case! Not the case of cleaning up the environmental mess left by Harvey and lax regulations, though. Sorry, is that what you thought we meant? We meant that he’s on the case of fighting with the AP over correctly reporting that the EPA was dicking around instead of cleaning up after Harvey. From the Washington Post:

“The Environmental Protection Agency is all over Michael Biesecker, a reporter for the Associated Press. [….] On Sept. 2, Biesecker and colleague Jason Dearen [published], ‘AP EXCLUSIVE: Toxic waste sites flooded, EPA not on scene.’ In all, the outlet had visited seven Superfund sites in the Houston region. Several hours after the AP issued its story, the EPA responded with a statement indicating that it had seen aerial imagery showing that 13 of 41 sites were flooded and were ‘experiencing possible damage.’ The statement started out by denouncing ‘misleading and inaccurate reporting’ on the topic.”

Oh, sorry EPA! You looked at some pictures, and you think that counts as being “on-site”? I saw some pictures of the aftermath of Harvey on Twitter today. Where do I get my EPA paycheck? Seriously, fuck you guys so hard. We know your Orange Overlord probably instructs you to nurse your grudges with the media like a newborn suckling at your teats, but can you at least pretend to give a fuck about the people devastated by this hurricane?

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Yeah, we thought that might be too much to hope for.

Photo Credits: Tumblr, Imgur, Pinterest, Giphy, Imgur, KQED, Boing Boing, Giphy


Let’s Make America Shady Again!

It’s been about six months since our last post. Birthing and raising an actual human being is hard work, especially when you’ve got another ankle-biter wanting attention too. Doesn’t leave much time for blogging, but luckily, with Donald Trump as president, absolutely nothing noteworthy or shocking has happened in the last six months. Well, except for:

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And also:

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And who could forget:

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And this series of awkward interactions with world leaders:

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That’s alright, though. We’re back to blogging (mostly) full time now, so none of the stupid shit our Orange Overlord does will go unremarked. That’s right, there’s no POTUS fuck-up too serious to be unaccompanied by the world’s finest pop culture GIFs and dick jokes (you hear that, impending World War III with North Korea, China, and Russia? You’re on NOTICE!). So strap in, America (or on – whatever your preference). Your premiere political gossip blog is back, and she’s shady as ever!

Photo Credits: GiphyYahoo, Washington Post, Tenor, Wonkette, SlateGiphy,


The First Week of Cabinet Confirmation Hearings Went Swimmingly

Of course, you guys know we’re being sarcastic, right? If you come to our site enough, you should have a trained ear for that sort of shit by now.

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So yeah, it’s hard to imagine why the Orange Don’s millionaires and billionaires with about fuck all experience in politics amongst them are not doing so hot under the bright lights of the Senate confirmation hearings. We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get right to it.

First up is our favorite, Dr. Ben Carson, Trump’s nominee to head up Housing and Urban Development, for reasons we can only assume are inherently racist (“Who do I know that’s Black that can be in charge of all those disgusting and un-classy structures that ruined my property values?” Trump probably asked his advisors as he furiously Tweefed the wrong Ivanka at 3 in the morning).

We are pleased to announce that Dr. Carson didn’t waver from his daily regimen of what we can only guess are booze and quaaludes just to attend some piss-ant confirmation hearing. He was in rare form as he sleep-talked his way through a series of questions on his lack of qualifications for his job. At one point, he appeared to forget where he was and slurred out to Sen. Sherrod Brown, “You remind me of Columbo.”

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The best, though, was when he got either a little too drunk or a little too honest (or maybe both!) in answering a question from Sen. Elizabeth Warren about whether he would prevent HUD dollars from landing in the Trump family’s pockets. From the Washington Post:

“’It will not be my intention to do anything that will benefit any American,’ Carson said. ‘It’s for all Americans.’”

So yeah, he’s totally getting nominated, you guys. Everybody else in the department will do all the work while they distract their boss with a Slinky. He’ll be so distracted playing with it, giggling to himself on the floor of his office eight hours a day while everyone under him does the important work of housing underprivileged Americans. This is honestly the best-case scenario for a Trump Cabinet pick.

Next up, we have genteel Southern lady, Sen. Jeff Sessions. He stands out among his colleagues for having political experience and not being a millionaire or billionaire (that we know of – we’re too lazy to look that shit up). He blends right in with Trump’s other picks in being utterly unqualified for the job. Trump’s pick for Attorney General has a law degree – it’s just all the subtle racism that’s the problem.

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The best/worst part of his confirmation hearing was when he straight-up said you don’t know shit from shinola if you’re too “secular.” From Slate:

“’And a secular person has just as good a claim to understanding the truth as a person who is religious, correct?’ [Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse asked]. At which point Sessions responded, ‘Well, I’m not sure.’”

This is actually one of the less offensive things Ms. Gen. Beauregard Robert E. Lee Foghorn Leghorn, III has said. From insisting “good people don’t smoke marijuana,” to “I was okay with the KKK until I learned they smoked marijuana,” to “no one [from the Dominican Republic has] a provable skill,” our boy Jeff is going to fit right in when the Senate that found him too racist to serve as a federal judge allows him to become one of our worst AG’s ever.

Finally, we have Putin’s Trump’s pick for Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. He spent more than eight hours in his confirmation hearing. It’s surprising things took that long considering he answered almost zero questions about his foreign policy outlook. When Sen. Marco Rubio asked him whether he supported Trump, Jr.’s – I mean Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte’s bloody drug war – Tillerson didn’t want to answer, saying he didn’t have all the information. To which Rubio responded (paraphrasing): “Bitch, I got it from the LA Times.”

He was equally reticent about his former company ExxonMobil’s lobbying against climate change. When Sen. Tim Kaine challenged him on the issue, it was the old man bitch fight everyone was hoping for. From the Washington Post:

“At one point, Tillerson had a testy exchange with Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va.), the former vice presidential candidate, about whether ExxonMobil had for decades concealed from investors and the public what it knew about the science of climate change — going as far as paying outside groups, Kaine said, to raise doubts about the growing scientific consensus around the problem.

‘I’m in no position to speak’ on behalf of company executives, Tillerson said, dodging the senator’s questions about the company where he worked for 40 years. ‘You would have to speak to them.’

Kaine continued to press Tillerson about his knowledge of ExxonMobil’s history on climate change. Tillerson continued to refer him to the company he led until recently.

At one point, Kaine asked, ‘Do you lack the knowledge to answer my question, or are you refusing to do so?’

‘A little of both,’ Tillerson responded.”

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What our likely future Secretary of State is telling us, America, is that his potential business conflicts and shady dealings are none of your damn bidness. And you worried about electing Hillary Clinton because of her lack of transparency. Oh, irony.

Photo Credits: Wiffle GIFGiphy, Odyssey Online, Tenor, Reddit

President Camacho Celebrates MLK Weekend By Trashing Civil Rights Icon

And somehow, the Atlanta metro area got dragged into this shit too. We didn’t think it possible, America, but the Orange Don finally went full-throttle racist and didn’t even bother speaking in code anymore. And all it took was Rep. John Lewis shanking at him to get the coked-up cockatiel to put on his white robes go apeshit on Twitter.

A little background first: US Representative from Georgia and civil rights badass John Lewis appeared on Meet the Press a few days ago and waxed poetic on how much he fucking hated our President Elect. From NBC News:

“Asked whether he would try to forge a relationship with the president-elect, Lewis said that he believes in forgiveness, but added, ‘it’s going to be very difficult. I don’t see this president-elect as a legitimate president. [….] I think the Russians participated in helping this man get elected. And they helped destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton.’”

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We have to say, much as we love John Lewis, we have to disagree that Russian interference got the sociopathic orangutan elected. None of our intelligence agencies have come to that conclusion. Besides, we have much more faith than Lewis does in the stupidity of the American electorate. Trump was elected fair and square.

President Camacho could have taken the tack we just did – a polite, respectful disagreement with Rep. Lewis’ assertions. But then he wouldn’t be the guy who does stuff like this in his spare time:

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So instead, like a hormonal teenager who’s just been dumped for the first time, he took to Twitter to Tweef out his grievances. Unsurprisingly, he was just a teeny bit extra in his responses:

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We have a few things to say in response to this. First off, we love that Trump couldn’t settle for trashing the person he was mad at, but had to bring Lewis’ home and millions of voters into his Tweef rampage. What’d Metro Atlanta ever do to you, Donny Boy? Reject one of your garish, gold-plated turds of a building? Be a thriving, successful metropolis that is home to your arch-nemesis, CNN? Be home to a populace that won’t put up with your shit, and trolls you with photos of their picturesque neighborhoods? Perhaps we’re a little biased since Georgia is our home state, but Donald Trump seriously fucked with the wrong people.

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We also love that of all the ways in which the Orange Don could have gone after Trump, he chose the least-effective strategy: comparing bios. John Lewis, who marched with MLK and was beaten by police during one of his many civil rights demonstrations, is not the guy you call “do-nothing;” especially when your proudest sacrifice is building “tremendous structures.”

The best part of all of this: Trump revealed himself to be the worst kind of bigot. By way of extending an olive branch, he asked Rep. Lewis to help him with the “burning and crime-infested inner-cities of the U.S.” Why would John Lewis have any more expertise on that subject than any other congressman, especially considering his district is one of the more thriving metro areas in the country at present? Is it because he’s Black, and only Black people live in “burning and crime-infested inner-cities,” according to you, Donald?

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We know it’s inconceivable to you that majority-Black communities like Metro Atlanta can be – gasp – prosperous, but them’s the facts. That’s John Lewis’ district – the majority-Black successful one – so he can’t help you there. Sorry, dude, but your assumptions about Atlanta, John Lewis, and the Black community in general?

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But we would expect nothing less from you on MLK weekend. We would suggest you educate yourself by visiting the African American National History Museum in DC, but seeing as how your racism scheduling conflicts forced you to forego that visit, we suppose you’ll have to enlighten yourself another time.

Photo Credits: TenorShape, Imgur, Occupy CorporatismPinterest, Highlight Hub, Mic, Giphy, Tenor

President Camacho’s Press Conference Had Just The Right Amount of WWE Pageantry

He could’ve gone the tasteful route and answered questions like a normal human being, but the Orange Don rightly suspected that his adoring public was expecting more of him. Consequently, his first press conference as President Elect of the most powerful country in the world more closely resembled a WWE cage match than a question-and-answer session with the Chief Executive. Kenny Powers would be proud.

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Ostensibly, the presser-turned-clusterfuck was supposed to be about the Orange Don severing all business ties so he could at least pretend he was going to comply with our nation’s ethics rules. To that end, he brought out piles of manila folders he claimed were filled with all the paperwork he’d filed to put his company in blind trusts in the hands of his demon spawn children. Of course, the media grew instantly suspicious when asked to believe that the coked-up orangutan read that many documents when they didn’t even have any pictures on them, and so asked to see them. This is how the deranged cockatiel responded:

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That response, combined with the fact that none of the papers that were poking out had anything written on them:

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Convinced pretty much everyone with a working set of eyeballs that the folders were like everything in the Orange Don’s life, to include his wives, children, and business ventures: they were only there for show.

When Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget realized that the media wasn’t impressed with his tiny penis yuge stacks of folders, which should have proven he had the biggest, classiest, most successful business empire the world had ever seen, he got more than little testy. When he realized that all anyone wanted to ask him about was a leaked dossier that revealed his love of Russia, prostitutes, and golden showers, he got even more pissed (ha!).

A CNN reporter found out the hard way that Trump doesn’t arrange press conferences to answer questions so much as he does to give a reality-show-level performance the Kardashians only wish they’d thought of first. He tried to ask Trump about the dossier, which prompted Trump to berate the reporter in the same way he probably screams at his hairline when he looks in the mirror every morning.

“‘Your organization is terrible,’ Trump told CNN’s Jim Acosta when he tried to ask a question.

‘You’re attacking us, can you give us a question?’ Acosta replied.

‘Don’t be rude. No, I’m not going to give you a question. You are fake news,’ Trump responded.

Then, just to prove he’s trolling us all, he took a question from the real fake news organization, Breitbart. All the while, paid staffers from his administration applauded him and booed hostile questions from the media. At one point, his fluffy spokesperson, Sean Spicer, threatened to have the reporter removed from the presser.

All in all, we give Trump’s presser four out of five suplexes. We’re withholding the fifth suplex, because we know he can do better. Both the WWE and other, more successful dictators have given him the roadmap to succeed.

Our humble suggestions: Next time a reporter gives you lip, bust his ass with a folding chair. Maybe even teabag him while he’s rolling around on the floor to emphasize your point that this jabroni is indeed a purveyor of fake news. Don’t rely on your paid audience to cheer when you unleash your patented WWE moves: install lighted “applause” signs to give them their cues. Maybe instruct the cameraman to zoom in on a particularly hype audience member at just the right moment.

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At the end, shoot a gun into the air and stroll out with some smoking hot ring girls on each of your tiny little tea-pouring hands. Tell the press you’ll smell them later, drop the mic, and ride off into the sunset with a fog machine and a laser show enhancing your exit. Trust us – you’ll leave the haters breathless.

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Photo Credits: GIF Soup, Boing Boing, Barstool Sports, Total Pro Sports,  Chief Donald Trump