Teen Heartthrob Steve Bannon Removes White Hood And Cloak For 60 Minutes Interview

It feels like only yesterday that Daddy Kelly imposed major restrictions on the Orange Don. Even though those restrictions are totally chafing his Cheeto-pimpled ass, President Donald J. Trump is way too lazy to do anything about it. That means he doesn’t get to enjoy former pasttimes like reading Breitbart on the shitter.

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More importantly, Daddy Kelly forced the Orange Don to break up with his toxic ex, Steve Bannon. Now that Bannon is no longer lurking around the White House to whisper sweet dog whistles nothings into President Camacho’s ear, he decided to get his ex-girlfriend’s attention the only way he knew how: by doing a televised interview. You can see the full interview and transcript here. We highly recommend you watch the full video, because there is nothing that compares to seeing STEAMING HOT SLICE OF MAN Steve Bannon wearing TWO button-up shirts with the top two buttons undone for RAW SEX APPEAL.

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Don’t you chicks say Bannon never gave you anything (besides Hep C).

Because ladies like to look their best, Ms. Bannon also decided to shellack a metric ton of foundation all over his face to cover up some – how do we put this delicately – imperfections caused by his ALLEGED alcohol abuse. This led Ann Coulter to feign outrage over how awful 60 Minutes’ editors made him look. We have to say we agree with Ann on this one. How could you possibly make this Casanova look bad!

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We don’t know how those liberal thugs at 60 Minutes sleep at night. Now this may shock you, America, but the head of Breitbart said some super crazy and racist shit. We don’t have time to recap it all, but here are some of the highlights.

We already covered how avowed Catholic Bannon shaded his own church by saying they “needed illegal aliens to fill” their pews. That was just the tip of the xenophobic iceberg.

Charlie Rose: We’re all immigrants. Except the Native Americans –

Bannon: Don’t – don’t give me – this is the thing of the leftists. Charlie, that’s beneath you. America’s built on our citizens. Look at the 19th century. What built America’s called the American system, from Hamilton to Polk to Henry Clay to Lincoln to the Roosevelts. A system of protection of our manufacturing, financial system that lends to manufacturers, OK? And the control of our borders. Economic nationalism is what this country was built on.

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You got that guys? America is for Americans only! This is a system built on her citizens! Citizens like Alexander Hamilton, who technically wasn’t born in America, but whatever. We suppose since he became a Founding Father and isn’t brown-skinned, he gets a pass from Dreamboat Bannon on being a – what do you call it? Oh yeah – an IMMIGRANT. You know, those people who weren’t born in this country but migrate here to adopt its principles, pay its taxes, and build its infrastructure? We won’t even touch the fact that 19th century America was created through slave labor, because we’re sure Bannon would find that to be beneath us.

If you were wondering, America, where Trump got the genius idea to equivocate neo-Nazis with counter-protestors in Charlottesville, look no further than the Jabba the Hutt of carcinogens.

“I was the only guy that came out and tried to defend [Trump]. I was the only guy that said, ‘He’s talking about something, taking it up to a higher level.’ Where does it all go? Where does this end? Does it end in taking down the Washington Monument? [….] What he was trying to say is that people that support the [Confederate] monument staying there peacefully and people that oppose that, that’s the normal course of the First Amendment.”

You guys, we found a picture of “the normal course of the First Amendment” that took place in Charlottesville.

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Here’s another one:

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This is the same bullshit argument that Brian Kilmeade and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke used on Fox and Friends when they compared Confederate memorials to the 9/11 Memorial.

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The analogy doesn’t work because we’re not honoring the cause of people who attacked the United States with things like the Washington Monument and the 9/11 Memorial. Unless these assholes want to erect monuments to King George III and Osama Bin Laden, they should probably stop before they fall right off their self-righteous slippery slope argument and hurt themselves

Don’t say our boy Bannon is a racist, though. Just because he’s a Charlottesville apologist doesn’t mean he’s racist. He’s even been in the same room with minorities on multiple occasions and lived to tell the tale!

“I was raised in a desegregated neighborhood. The north side of Richmond is predominantly black, OK? I went to an integrated school, a Catholic school. I served in the military. I don’t need to be lectured by a bunch of limousine liberals, OK, from the Upper East Side of New York and from the Hamptons, OK, about any of this. My lived experience is that.”

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Hear that, “limousine liberals?” Don’t come at private-school attending, multi-millionaire Harvard grad Stephen K. Bannon, aight? The guy who made a second-generation multi-billionaire president doesn’t need you looking down your noses at him. Just because he hates Mexicans and Black people and Muslims and women. Oh yeah, how could we forget his misogyny?

“[The Access Hollywood tape] is just locker room talk. [….]When you side with a man, you side with him, OK? The good and the bad. You can criticize him behind, but when you side with him, you have to side with him. And that’s what Billy Bush weekend showed me.”

Damn, Bannon is one loyal boyfriend.

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Trump could probably grab his wife and daughter by the pussy right in front of his necrotic face and Bannon wouldn’t say shit to him. Because once Bannon sided with Trump, that was it. No independent thought required after that. Of course, Bannon still rips Trump a new asshole via Breitbart every time his Orange Overlord even thinks about pussing out on building a border wall. But that’s important, not some trivial sexual assault. It’s hard to care about stupid shit like women’s rights when you’ve got two paragons of masculinity running the country.

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Time For Trump Dogg and EPA To Regulate

Now that we have Nate Dogg rolling in his grave, let’s talk about something equally depressing: the Kumquat Despot’s full-blown assault on government regulations. We only have space for the EPA today, but we see you Betsy DeVos, you rape apologist cock sprain, and we’ll get to you soon enough.

It doesn’t sound sexy at first, but it gets a lot more exciting when you find out it’s only taken 8 months for the Trump administration to completely and utterly fuck this country for generations to come, simply by removing a few pesky laws to the benefit of their billionaire buddies.

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Don’t worry, America. We’ll do our best to pepper this boring-ass exposition with as many dick jokes and drag queen GIFs as humanly possible. Since you elected a Cheeto-dusted turd with the attention span of a goldfish on crack, we know you need visual aids and a hearty helping of cock talk to keep you interested. So here you go.

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Since Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget allowed the GOP’s Mad Magazine centerfold to utterly decimate environmental regulations, we’re already noticing some negative side effects. Who could have foreseen that allowing corporations to run roughshod over laws preventing pollution and water contamination would be such a shitty idea?

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Since Scott Pruitt took over as EPA Administrator, he and the Apricot Asshole have torched the following regulations. Keep in mind this list from National Geographic is not exhaustive:

• The advisory panel for the National Climate Assessment board has been eliminated.

• A couple of weeks before Hurricanes Harvey and Irma, Trump revoked an Obama-era regulation requiring federally-funded projects to adhere to a Federal Flood Risk Management Standard.

• Trump pulled the US out of the Paris Climate Accord, joining the dubious company of Syria and Nicaragua as the only countries not to sign on.

• EPA scientists recommended the total ban of the pesticide chlorpyrifos on account of it causing brain damage. Pruitt told them to go fuck themselves, probably on the advice the former Dow lobbyist who now works with him on hazardous chemical regulations.

• The Orange Don rescinded the Obama-era Clean Power Plan, which aimed to reduce CO2 emissions at power plants.

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Which brings us to the Arkema chemical plant spill. Due to a Category 4 windbag shitstorm hitting Texas (no we’re not talking about the President, because he’s obviously a Category 5), a plant just outside of Houston that manufactures plastics exploded and started spilling a shit ton of ALLEGEDLY toxic chemicals. I have to say ALLEGEDLY in all caps, since Arkema successfully lobbied the Trump administration to delay regulations on those chemicals. The CEO of Arkema insists that the explosive chemicals are perfectly safe to breathe in, which must be why 15 first responders had to be hospitalized after vomiting and asphyxiating on those harmless fumes.

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In fact, the chemicals are so safe to breathe, Arkema initially refused to tell people what those chemicals were. Which, of course, is perfectly legal in Texas because of their asshole former-AG current-governor, who said if people really wanted to know about what kind of chemicals were in their backyard power plant, they could drive around and ask the plants themselves. Thanks, Greg Abbott!

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With the awesome combined powers of the state of Texas and the Trump Administration (think of them as an earth-raping anti-Captain Planet), Houston is now proper fucked after Harvey. From the AP:

“Harvey’s filthy floodwaters pose significant dangers to human safety and the environment even after water levels drop far enough that Southeast Texas residents no longer fear for their lives, according to experts. [….] Also stirred into the noxious brew are spilled fuel, runoff from waste sites, lawn pesticides and pollutants from the region’s many petroleum refineries and chemical plants.”

Don’t worry, though! Pruitt’s EPA is on the case! Not the case of cleaning up the environmental mess left by Harvey and lax regulations, though. Sorry, is that what you thought we meant? We meant that he’s on the case of fighting with the AP over correctly reporting that the EPA was dicking around instead of cleaning up after Harvey. From the Washington Post:

“The Environmental Protection Agency is all over Michael Biesecker, a reporter for the Associated Press. [….] On Sept. 2, Biesecker and colleague Jason Dearen [published], ‘AP EXCLUSIVE: Toxic waste sites flooded, EPA not on scene.’ In all, the outlet had visited seven Superfund sites in the Houston region. Several hours after the AP issued its story, the EPA responded with a statement indicating that it had seen aerial imagery showing that 13 of 41 sites were flooded and were ‘experiencing possible damage.’ The statement started out by denouncing ‘misleading and inaccurate reporting’ on the topic.”

Oh, sorry EPA! You looked at some pictures, and you think that counts as being “on-site”? I saw some pictures of the aftermath of Harvey on Twitter today. Where do I get my EPA paycheck? Seriously, fuck you guys so hard. We know your Orange Overlord probably instructs you to nurse your grudges with the media like a newborn suckling at your teats, but can you at least pretend to give a fuck about the people devastated by this hurricane?

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Yeah, we thought that might be too much to hope for.

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Breaking News: President Camacho STILL Hates Immigrants

When we say “Breaking News,” we mean it entirely in the CNN sense of the word, as in not breaking, not new, and not at all surprising. On Tuesday, the Orange Don sent his house elf Attorney General out to break the bad news that he was rescinding DACA. The Obama-era immigration policy allowed undocumented immigrants who entered the US as minor children to get work permits. People with serious criminal records or who did not graduate from high school were not eligible for the program. Of course, we can’t have that shit. Not on Donald J. Trump’s watch! From PBS Newshour:

“The Trump administration announced Tuesday it would scale back [DACA]. Attorney General Jeff Sessions said in the announcement that Congress will have time — six months — to draft legislation that would protect these immigrants known as ‘dreamers’ before permits begin to expire March 5, 2018. [….] ‘If we were to keep the Obama Administration’s executive amnesty policy, the likeliest outcome is that it would be enjoined [….]. The Department of Justice has advised the President and the Department of Homeland Security that DHS should begin an orderly, lawful wind down, including the cancellation of the memo that authorized this program.’”

 

We’re sure Sessions moved the podium a few inches when he made this announcement. Oppressing minorities just gets Ms. Sessions so hot and bothered.

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We can’t even say that this was Trump fulfilling a campaign promise, since he’s said both that he wanted to end DACA and that Dreamers didn’t have anything to worry about because he has a “big heart.” To be fair to Trump, though, he’s clearly not very good at estimating size, so he wasn’t intending to lie when he said he had a big heart.

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If only the Apricot Asshole admired people the way he admires golf and gold-plated toilets, the world would be a better place. But because the orange-tinted man-baby that currently occupies the White House is nothing if not stalwart in his political views, he’s Tweefed out a series of cohesive messages affirming his position on DACA. We’re just fucking with you, OF COURSE he’s all over the map. After all, it’s hard choosing between sucking off his white-hooded political base and being a loved and respected world leader. First, he re-Tweeted a message from a Russian bot his Twitter fan group “The Trump Train” that read:

“We are a nation of laws. No longer will we incentivize illegal immigration.”

You hear that, immigrants? FUCK YOU! Country’s full! No vacancy! Except, hold on, the President is Tweefing again.

“Congress now has 6 months to legalize DACA (something the Obama Administration was unable to do). If they can’t, I will revisit this issue!”

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What are you going to do, big man? ISSUE AN EXECUTIVE ORDER THAT YOU JUST GOT YOUR MIDGET ATTORNEY GENERAL TO TELL US WAS UNCONSTITUTIONAL? THAT IS LITERALLY THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO! Alright, sorry America – we’re yelling again. We just still can’t believe that the Kumquat Despot hasn’t gotten around to watching that Schoolhouse Rock separation of powers episode.

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Why bother when you can learn everything there is to know about racism immigration from your ex-girlfriend, Steve Bannon? We’ll get to his sorry ass later when his 60 Minutes episode airs this weekend, but we’re already anticipating great things from this teaser quote, which truly sums up this administration’s viewpoint on DACA:

“Former White House chief strategist Steven Bannon said the Catholic Church’s support of the Deferred Action for Childhood Arrivals program, known as DACA, is economically driven and owes to the church’s struggle to fill pews. ‘To come to grips with the problems in the church, they need illegal aliens. They need illegal aliens to fill the churches. It’s obvious on the face of it,’ Bannon said.”

Trump, gurl, quit drunk-dialing your ex! It’s not good for you – or the country.

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President Camacho Uplifts the Spirits of the People of Texas After Hurricane Harvey

Primarily by providing unintentional comedic relief, but hey, whatever helps. If you look in our not too recent history, you can find several examples of presidents on both sides of the aisle giving, calm, compassionate support to victims on the ground in the aftermath of a natural disaster.

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So it’s not like there’s not a very easy-to-follow blueprint for the Orange Don to use now that a catastrophic Category 4 hurricane flooded Texas and Louisiana, displacing over 360,000 people and killing over 40 as of press time. All he had to do was approximate a semi-human reaction. All he had to do was visit Texas and not talk about himself for an hour or so while looking presidential. Vegas probably didn’t even take odds on whether or not that would happen, because of course it didn’t fucking happen, because we have a spray-tan-soaked man-baby shit-for-brains as a chief executive.

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On Tuesday, the Orange Don made his first trip to Texas and stopped in Corpus Christi, one of the first cities to be wrecked by Harvey when it made landfall during Trump’s Friday news dump. It started off on a tacky note when the First Couple of QVC America wore hats that could be purchased for the LOW, LOW PRICE OF $40! ORDER NOW AND CONTRIBUTE TO THE IMPEACHMENT LEGAL DEFENSE FUND RE-ELECTION CAMPAIGN OF DONALD J. TRUMP! FIRST 100 ORDERS RECEIVE A FREE MAIL-ORDER BRIDE! CALL WITHIN FIVE MINUTES AND YOU’LL GET A BRAND-NEW FEMA TRAILER!

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Seriously, don’t order those shitty-ass hats from Trump – you can get them practically anywhere else for a quarter of the price. The profits will go to the much nobler cause of funding the Walton family’s hefty booze bills.

Once he got to Corpus Christi, it didn’t take long for the fuckery to commence at his first briefing. From NPR:

“FEMA Administrator Brock Long also took part in the briefing, after being introduced by the president ‘as a man who’s really been very famous on television over the last couple of days.’ [….] Trump later stood outside the fire station and waved a Texas state flag. ‘Thank you everybody,’ Trump said, saying the response to the storm’s flooding ‘is going well.’ As he looked over the gathering at the station, he declared: ‘What a crowd, what a turnout.’”

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We are never surprised at how inappropriate this man is, but we refuse to stop being grossed out by it. We never want to be okay with the Kumquat Despot using a natural disaster as an opportunity to brag about crowd size. “Aw shucks, you guys traveled all this way to see lil’ ole me?” No, bitch! They came to seek comfort and guidance from the President of the United States. As always, this is not all about you.

Shockingly, the Orange Don didn’t get rave reviews for, as he Tweefed out, “seeing the devastation first-hand.” No, seriously, that’s what he said. It was accompanied by this picture of him looking at a radar map in a conference room.

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Real man of the people, this numb-nuts. So President Camacho was in damage-control mode when he went to Houston on Saturday. That meant he was extra-careful to appear sensitive when he met with people who’d lost literally everything they owned when he appeared at a shelter in Houston. How successful was he? We’ll let you be the judge. From ABC News:

“During [Houston’s NRG Stadium] visit, the president at one point chatted with members of the press, and spoke optimistically about the recovery effort and what he’s seen, saying ‘things are working out well,’ and that the recovery effort has been a ‘beautiful thing’ for the country.

‘They were just happy, we saw a lot of happiness,’ the president said of his interactions with storm victims. ‘It’s been really nice, it’s been a wonderful thing… as tough as this was, it’s been a wonderful thing I think even for the country to watch and the world to watch, it’s been beautiful.’”

 

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Don’t worry, he also maintained his presidential composure when he thanked the Coast Guard for their bravery in rescuing people from the torrential flood waters. Luckily for him, he didn’t mention how he still wants to cut $1 billion from their budget. But of course, he couldn’t resist nursing his grudge with the media while honoring the nation’s heroes, because it’s called CLASS, people. From Mediaite:

“As Trump gave a brief address commending the Coast Guard, he dropped a snide insinuation about how media people wouldn’t dare run towards disaster or save lives unless they can get a story out of it. ‘I hear the Coast Guard saved…almost 11,000 people by going into winds the media would not go into,’ Trump said while pointing at the cameras. ‘They will not go into those winds unless it’s a really good story, in which case they will.’”

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It gets worse, though. If you thought, after Tuesday’s trip, that we’d safely escaped Trump’s first natural disaster as president without him referring to his imaginary monster cock, you were wrong, Nation. You were so very, very wrong. Because when Trump met with storm victims in Houston, his id took over. And yes, the Apricot Asshole had to mention his super-masculine, not-at-all dainty, tea-pouring hands. From The Independent:

“Video [….] of President Trump’s visit to the NRG Center shows him putting on gloves to help with the hand-out at a food serving line before turning to where the press are gathered and saying ‘my hands are too big.’”

Sure, OJ Simpson!

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You know he really wanted to say, “It’s OK, folks! President Big Dick is here! I know you were worried about losing all your earthly possessions just a minute ago. But then you saw my cock-sure stride, and you forgot all about it. With a schlong this big, how could I not solve all your problems? Alright, gotta get these gloves on so I can hand out food, but don’t be offended if my MASSIVE PENIS gets in the way. You might get a side of DEEZ NUTS instead of potato chips, but that’s the chance you take!”

As confident as we are in the President Super Schlong’s ability to cock-slap a hurricane into submission, we’re still hedging our bets and donating to the worthy causes listed below.

To donate to the Episcopal Relief & Development Fund, click here.

To donate to the Texas Diaper Bank, click here.

To donate to the Humane Society’s Disaster Relief Fund, click here.

To donate to Direct Relief, click here. Ebay is matching donations made via PayPal.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Indy 100, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Mediaite, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy

Nothing Like A Good, Old-Fashioned Natural Disaster To Help You With A News Dump

And no, we’re not talking about the Orange Don’s daily (judging by his Twitter feed) KFC dumps. Rather, we’re talking about all of the news about the Trump Administration that would make 75% of the country cringe in horror. You see, when most people hear that something awful like a Category 4 hurricane is about to make a direct hit on Texas, they feel #Sad! President Donald J. Trump, however, is not most people. The Kumquat Despot felt happy, and maybe a little turned on? We’ll let his Tweefs do the talking.

“Wonderful coordination between Federal, State and Local Governments in the Great State of Texas – TEAMWORK! Record setting rainfall.”

“Many people are now saying that this is the worst storm/hurricane they have ever seen. Good news is that we have great talent on the ground.”

“Wow – Now experts are calling a once in 500 year flood! We have an all out effort going, and going well!”

“Going to a Cabinet Meeting (tele-conference) at 11:00 A.M. on . Even experts have said they’ve never seen one like this!”

The way he erotically describes the size and scope of Hurricane Harvey is just a teeny bit off-putting. Trump talks about this storm like he birthed it from his quivering, orange loins. “Check this, America! I made this storm! No storm has flooded more homes, killed more people, or displaced more minorities than mine!”

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We suspect his attitude of “not un-proud” ownership will change as soon as people realize he was even more unprepared than George W. Bush was for Katrina. How unprepared, you ask? Well, FEMA’s parent agency, the Department of Homeland Security, hasn’t had a permanent director for almost a month now. The Orange Don took Daddy Kelly from DHS so he could torment him replace his shitcanned chief of staff, Rinse Pubis, and still hasn’t replaced him. He only appointed the FEMA director in June, almost six months after he took office.

We don’t blame him, though. Can’t have pesky things like running the country interfere with important work like golfing and Tweefing, can we?

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Harvey provided Trump with more than just pride, though. The loss of a few million Texans is our Orange Overlord’s gain. There were a couple of, shall we say, unpopular news items that the Orange Don decided to release the same day Harvey made landfall.

First up, Trump finally followed through on his promise to reinstate the ban on transgender people serving in the military. The directive also prohibited the US military from funding transition surgery for trans individuals currently serving. He left the question of whether transgender people could continue serving up to his generals (hint: they’ve already studied the issue, and they’re fine with it). This order is unpopular, but don’t take our word for it. Even his Interior Secretary’s daughter couldn’t resist the chance to burn the coked-up orangutan over his bullshit directive. From the Missoulian:

“The daughter of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, like her father a Navy veteran, appears, in the rawest of terms, to have excoriated President Donald Trump in a social media post after the announcement that transgender soldiers would be banned from the military.

‘This man is a disgrace. I’ve tried to keep politics out of my social media feed as much as possible, but this is inexcusable. [….] This veteran says sit down and shut the fuck up, you know-nothing, never-served piece of shit.’ She also used a hashtag, #itmfa, that is an acronym for ‘impeach the motherfucker already.’”

 

We have only one thing to say to the beautiful, no-fucks-given daughter of Ryan Zinke:

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Next, the Orange Don decided to give some love to ex-Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe is the Himmler to Trump’s Hitler. He’s the guy who fondly referred to the “tent city” he’d constructed for prison inmates as a “concentration camp.” Of course he immediately denied it like the pussy he is, despite the fact that he was caught saying this on fucking video.

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Sheriff Joe has done so many shitty things, we don’t have time to name them all here. A few of our favorites, though, are:

The time he framed an 18-year-old for a phony bomb plot.

The time he allowed Steven Seagal to drive a fucking tank through a guy’s house to serve a misdemeanor cockfighting warrant. Self-described “animal lover” Seagal then helped deputies euthanize over 100 roosters on the spot.

The time he arrested two reporters for the Phoenix New Times the same day they published an unflattering article about this paragon of justice.

After $142 million in lawyer’s fees and settlements and a federal contempt conviction for failing to stop racially profiling people, naturally the Orange Don felt a twinge of sympathy for his soul sister in corruption and pardoned one of the most racist, corrupt men in America. Look on the bright side, though, America! Consider this practice for when Trump has to pardon himself. Finally, something the President will be prepared for.

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