The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: President Donald J. Trump

There’s lots of groundbreaking world news we missed during our extended absence. Probably the most earth-shattering was the revelation that Donald Trump has a friend. That friend took the form of a carefully orchestrated distraction from the ineptitude of the Trump administration letter written by a 9-year-old boy whose friends call him “Pickle.” Here’s that letter in all its glory:

We know this letter excited the Orange Don for two reasons: First, because he finally had someone to talk to that could match the eloquence of his Twitter feed. Second, because he had his over-it lackey, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, read the letter to the press pool.

What a lot of people don’t know, however, is that the Kumquat Despot actually took time out of his busy Tweefing schedule (that’s qweefing out an ill-advised Tweet for all you rookies) to respond to his buddy Pickle’s letter. It went something like this:

Hey Cucumber,

It’s Don. Duh. Thanks for the letter. You could’ve sent me a Tweet, but you’re probably too poor to own a Tweet-making thingy. I’m not poor, though. I’m a billionaire. I’m worth, like, $5, $10, $15, $20 billion – it varies depending on how I feel in the morning. I even earned some of that money myself. What I didn’t lose in bankruptcy or alimony payments, I mean.

Anyway, if you ever decide to get a real job like I did, you should totally get a Tweet-making thingy. It’s great when you’re pushing out a KFC deuce and need something to do. I use it for important unpresidented stuff like calling Rosie O’Donnell fat and wishing all the haters and losers a happy 7/11 – I mean, 9/11. If I don’t like the job one of my babysitters – I mean staffers – is doing, I can use it to fire them, like I did to my old buddy Rinse Pubis. You should see the looks on their faces when they check out my Twitter feed and find out they’ve been shitcanned. Hilarious!

So Rutabaga, what do you like to do for fun? I love golfing. I’m the best at it. I can hit the ball farther than anybody, especially that little pipsqueak Michael Bloomberg. He thinks he’s so great just because he has a shit ton more money than me and is a much better politician. Sad! I like golf because it gives me a chance to get away from this dump of a White House. And I really need to get away. A LOT. It’s hard to appreciate a mansion like the White House when you’ve got a really classy place like Trump Tower to live in. Everything’s gold-plated. Putting gold on stuff means you’re important, and that your dad really loved you. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah – golf.

Golf gives me a chance to show off my sweet bod. I didn’t get married three times for nothing. Women LOVE me. You got that? They LOVE ME. Especially Melanoma, or whatever her name is. She does a lot of little things to show everyone how much she loves being my trophy wife. She plays handsy with me all the time in public. She stayed in New York even after I moved into the White House – just to keep the relationship FRESH and STEAMY. You know what I’m talking about, right Potato? You know life. Kids know life. OK, I’m talking about BONING.

Since we’re on the subject, a little advice about women from a guy who knows. You really wanna impress one, you’ve gotta pull out all the stops. I’m talking furniture shopping, planting fake stories with the Enquirer – whatever it takes to get in her pants. She might act like she’s not interested, just because she’s married or literally in the middle of doing her job, but trust me – she wants it. If you’re getting nowhere, just do what I do – grab her right by the pussy. Don’t let go until she turns 30 (gross!) or her green card expires.

Man, Fennel, you are SO lucky to be getting a letter from a guy like me. I’m really important, and I have the best brain for knowing things. I get the best intel, too. You’ll never believe this shit we got from the Israelis. They told us…damn, gotta go. Daddy Kelly is calling me. He says it’s time for a nap, but I’M NOT TIRED! I’ll show his ass. I’ll sic Bannon (if he ever stops sucking his own cock) or Kellyanne on him. Smell ya later, Turnip.

Your Friend,

Donnie

P.S. Have you seen my poll numbers? They’re amazing. Big league.

P.P.S. Write again. I’m not lonely or anything, just wanna see how losers like you live.

 

You guys, we think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We’ll check in with Donald and his Pee Pee (that’s short for “pen pal,” get your minds out of the gutter!) periodically and see how they’re getting along. In the meantime, we leave you with Donnie Boy making a toot toot on a vroom vroom like a big boy!

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Photo Credits: Big Daddy Said, Mediaite, Giphy

Let’s Make America Shady Again!

It’s been about six months since our last post. Birthing and raising an actual human being is hard work, especially when you’ve got another ankle-biter wanting attention too. Doesn’t leave much time for blogging, but luckily, with Donald Trump as president, absolutely nothing noteworthy or shocking has happened in the last six months. Well, except for:

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And also:

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And who could forget:

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And this series of awkward interactions with world leaders:

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That’s alright, though. We’re back to blogging (mostly) full time now, so none of the stupid shit our Orange Overlord does will go unremarked. That’s right, there’s no POTUS fuck-up too serious to be unaccompanied by the world’s finest pop culture GIFs and dick jokes (you hear that, impending World War III with North Korea, China, and Russia? You’re on NOTICE!). So strap in, America (or on – whatever your preference). Your premiere political gossip blog is back, and she’s shady as ever!

Photo Credits: GiphyYahoo, Washington Post, Tenor, Wonkette, SlateGiphy,

 

A GossiPol Primer: The Truth About The Women’s March

The day after the inauguration of our Orange Overlord (a day that he decided to proclaim the “National Day of Patriotic Devotion,” since nobody really paid attention to his swearing-in the first time around), almost five million men and women all over the world demonstrated peacefully in defense of women’s rights.

This peaceful demonstration that Republicans are always asking for didn’t sit so well with them for some reason. A lot of Trump voters are #Triggered that people are democratically asserting their rights. Noted men’s rights activist Piers Morgan, Republican legislators, and of course the Orange Don himself are all super-upset that a bunch of chicks gathered in large numbers and nobody got either a golden shower or a hot dinner by the end of it.

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In honor of Kellyanne Conway’s crusade for #AlternativeFacts, we here at GossiPol have decided to answer some commonly asked questions and concerns some conservatives have about the Women’s Marches that occurred over the weekend.

Don’t you chicks have anything better to do than complain? Trump won. Get over it.

As a matter of fact, we don’t have anything better to do. After his first day in office, President Camacho solved everyone’s problems, as promised. That left us with a yuge time vacuum we filled the only way we knew how – by complaining about shit with our girlfriends.

I heard men weren’t allowed. Why do you feminazis hate men so much?

Men weren’t allowed because as feminists, we are required by law to hate them. It’s probably some sort of pathological penis envy we haven’t resolved because we all have daddy issues. The Feminist Dyke Code (2nd Edition) technically mandates that I’m not allowed to tell you that. We cover it up by kidnapping unsuspecting dudes while they’re watching their favorite sports event and forcing them to march with us. They’re kind of like your token Black friend. Just look at these miserable bastards who were forced at gunpoint practically to march in solidarity with women.

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I know everyone who actually marched tells me that it was peaceful, but I’m suspicious. You babes were really just rioting, weren’t you? The liberal media covers it up, but I’m onto them too.

Don’t know why you guys are so suspicious that the millions of women who attended are telling falsehoods about their experiences there. Perhaps it’s time I come clean and tell you what REALLY happened at the Women’s Marches. The overriding cause of our march was to sacrifice as many children as possible to our dark lord and savior Hillary Clinton. The orgiastic blood ritual lasted about three hours, which was about the time when we ran out of children to sacrifice to our cruel goddess. Our plan is to organize future marches, inviting men to come along. They will be summarily executed when the march begins. We will repeat this process until we have eliminated men from the face of the earth. Finally, we’ll be free to do what all feminazis love more than anything: to scissor babies into each other’s uteruses and abort them right before they reach term. We haven’t sorted out how we’ll get pregnant, but we’re confident that with enough pussy hats, we’ll be able to solve that problem by the time we’ve cleansed the globe. In fact, we’ve uncovered heretofore unseen pictures of the unspeakable carnage that occurred at Women’s Marches around the world.

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You ladies have it pretty good in America. What about women suffering around the world? How can you complain about your rights when women in third world countries have it way worse?

Ah, the old reliable Sean Hannity straw man argument: if someone has it worse than you, don’t complain! You can’t possibly care about two things at once. The human mind is too fragile and simply won’t allow it. Of course, the Women’s Marches on Saturday completely ignored the rights of women in other countries, because liberal chicks only care about themselves. Just look at the women in places like Iraq and Kenya who didn’t even get to march and felt marginalized by American feminists.

Women’s march in Erbil, Iraq. (Twitter)

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We hope this GossiPol primer has been informative – especially for you, Donald.

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Photo Credits: GiphyNot News Enough, GQ, Quartz, Redbook, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, News.au, Yahoo, Albawaba, Jamhuri News, Giphy

Bless Your Heart: The Kellyanne Conway Edition

At this point, the Trump Administration has stopped pretending that they’re not going to do a real-life reenactment of George Orwell’s 1984. At least we have Kellyanne Conway’s pleasant, albeit vapid intonations to lead us into our future dystopia. Our favorite crispy-fried Stepford Wife appeared on Meet the Press this past weekend to attempt the impossible: explain why her sociopathic orangutan boss was so obsessed with the size of his – crowd. From CNN:

“In an interview on NBC’s ‘Meet the Press,’ host Chuck Todd pressed Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway about why the White House on Saturday had sent Spicer to the briefing podium for the first time to claim that ‘this was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.’

‘You’re saying it’s a falsehood. And they’re giving — Sean Spicer, our press secretary — gave alternative facts,’ she said.”

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Oh bless your heart, Kellyanne – are you actually starting to believe the crazy shit that is flying out of your mouth? As Chuck Todd rightly pointed out, “alternative facts” is just a fancy way of saying:

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Maybe check out the Merriam-Webster definition of a word before you try to use it. Or just, you know – try not to lie so much.

Photo Credits: GiphyGIF Sec, Reaction GIF

President Camacho Marks First Weekend In Power By Throwing Hissy Fit Over Whose Is Bigger

Bigger inauguration, that is. Why, what’d you think we meant?

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Oh America, get your mind out of the gutter. This is President Donald J. Trump we’re talking about. Penis size is always the furthest thing from his mind.

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Remember when we talked about our Orange Overlord’s inauguration? We were counting down the days hours until the coked-up orangutan who holds our nuclear codes had a bitch-fit over how small his crowd was compared to Obama’s 2009 inauguration. Well, the Orange Don is totally presidential, you guys, because he restrained himself for 12 hours before throwing a tantrum at the CIA Memorial of all fucking places. From Salon:

“He defensively touted the crowd size for his swearing-in ceremony, wrongly claiming that the throngs on the National Mall stretched ‘all the way back to the Washington Monument.’ Photos and video clearly showed the crowd stopping well short of the landmark. [….] During his remarks at the CIA, the president claimed the inaugural crowds topped 1 million people, offering no evidence.”

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Then – perhaps because talk of how small he was compared to Obama made his delicate, Lilliputian fingers tingle – the Orange Don solidified his bad judgment with a Tweef:

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Yes, idiot, when you visit their workplace, your employees will line up to hear you speak. It’ll be a “packed house” of CIA agents. None of them are going to bruise your fragile ego by telling you what a shitty president you are. They’ll give you “long standing ovations,” because YOU SIGN THEIR PAYCHECK. There is no other reason for them to waste valuable work time by listening to you wax poetic about how you’re such a big man because you got more Time Magazine covers than Tom Brady.

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Just in case there’s in any doubt left in your mind, America, about how hot and bothered Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle was over the inauguration crowds, there’s also the matter of that impromptu press conference delivered by fuckboy White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. He’s seen here looking like a fat guy swallowed Saul Goodman and is wearing his skin until he can find a more suitable host.

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Y’all don’t fuck with the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s brand of Better Call Saul, because she is not the one, OK? Miss Spicer channeled Hillary Clinton and became one nasty woman when the press dared to report the very real facts about Trump’s micropenis tiny inaugural crowd size. The full video is here, but here are the choicest quotes for those of you who don’t want to hear Spicer dry sob his way through a shit-fit.

“Photographs of the inaugural proceedings were intentionally framed in a way, in one particular tweet, to minimize the enormous support that had gathered on the National Mall. [….] Inaccurate numbers involving crowd size were also tweeted.  No one had numbers, because the National Park Service, which controls the National Mall, does not put any out.  By the way, this applies to any attempts to try to count the number of protestors today in the same fashion. [….] This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration – period – both in person and around the globe.”

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Jesus Christ, dude, pull yourself together! Your Cheeto-encrusted boss has only been in office two days, and already you feel the need to empty your purse in front of everyone and their brother because of the crowd size? What’s going to happen when there’s an actual crisis? Are you going to demand a public flogging of every reporter at Buzzfeed? Seriously, if you don’t chill, you’re going to have an anyeurism before week two. We know it sucks when even women beat you in a size-measuring contest, but try to salvage what’s left of your dignity. Also, try not to follow up “we can’t count the numbers” with the obvious lie “this was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration.” It’s a bad look.

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Before we sign off on this post, America, pay attention to the ominous words at the end of Spicer’s speech: that the CIA agents who supposedly gave him a five-minute-long standing ovation were “displaying their patriotism.” Remember that for the next four years: that criticism is akin to betrayal, and love of our Great Orange Leader is the only true way to show your patriotism. We hope that, despite electing the Kumquat Despot into office, you reject this premise before he is impeached finishes his term in office.

Photo Credits: Giphy, NeoGAF, Giphy, Giphy, Express UK, Giphy, Washington Post, Tumblr, Tumblr