The Orange Don: America’s (Ill) Legitimate Child

It’s officially three days before America becomes the laughingstock of the world gets its next president. So put down the bath salts, America: it’s time to get serious about what this means for our country. You can go to your methed-out, naked street-corner ranting when we’re done.

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Thanks to Russia’s interference in our elections, there’s been a lot of talk about the coked-up orangutan we less-than-affectionately call our President Elect. Because Russia decided to do some shady-ass shit like hack into the DNC database and release the very true information contained therein – because Russia decided to spread fake news like a herpes virus (or a Kardashian reality show, take your pick as to which on is more dangerous and contagious) – and because Trump is stacking his Cabinet with a bunch of Russia sympathizers – a lot of liberals have taken it upon themselves to declare the Orange Don an “illegitimate” president. Rep. John Lewis, Rep. Dianne Feinstein, and director Michael Moore all claimed that Trump’s presidency is about legit as his hairline.

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Sorry to say, America, but deep down you know that shit ain’t true. Trump is a monster of our own making. To say he’s illegitimate not only contradicts everything our intelligence community has told us, but ignores a deeper truth: Donald J. Trump is legitimate as fuck.

If y’all want to hide in your bubble, that’s fine. But hear us out: talk to Trump supporters. There are a lot of them. Sure, some (not all) of them believe fake news. Oftentimes, though the source is American, not Russian. With all the bullshit Breitbart pumps out on a daily basis, Putin’s trolls making up fake stories was pretty superfluous.

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Did it ever occur to you, America, that people seek out this shit because of a little thing called “confirmation bias”? Liberals do it too. If you see something that challenges your worldview about Obama or Trump (depending on your outlook) being the perfect scion of humanity, you avoid that shit like the plague. (Editor’s note: Trump is still the worst – but that doesn’t mean that every shitty thing you read about him is true).

By way of anecdotal evidence: we have a close relative that is crazy, blindly Republican. It doesn’t matter what asshole has the “R” next to his name – even if that person completely contradicts our relative’s worldview and everything he holds dear, our relative will pull the lever for that asshole. Growing up, all we heard from this relative was what a piece of shit Bill Clinton was for dodging the draft. As a war veteran himself, the relative took great offense to that part of Slick Willie’s bio. Understandable! So when we confronted him with the information that Donald J. Trump was also a draft dodger, guess what happened? Do you think that changed his vote? Fuck no. He still voted for Trump. He mumbled excuses and has never spoken a word to us about it again. It’s way too uncomfortable for him – the notion that a beloved Republican would be so unpatriotic as to dodge the draft and make no sacrifice for his country besides building a beautiful structure or two.

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My relative believed what he wanted to believe, even when confronted with the evidence that his belief was in no way based on fact. He had already decided he was going to vote for the Republican, and there was absolutely nothing that was going to change his mind. That’s not Russian interference, though we wish it were America, because then we might actually be able to do something about the orange shit stain that is about to take our nation’s highest office. We know liberals would love to remain in a state of denial about this, but it’s only serving to distract us from doing the work that needs to be done: getting everyone, Republican and Democrat, on board with enacting meaningful, positive change in our country.

So wake up. It’s depressing to think that people actually chose a sociopathic cockatiel to be our next president, but they did. Russia didn’t hack into the voting booths to make that shit happen, either. Come Inauguration Day, there’s gonna be thousands of people enthusiastically cheering him on as he says what is likely to be the most reprehensible shit that’s ever been uttered during the democratic exchange of power. Some of his supporters love him for saying that shit – some of them love him in spite of him saying that shit – either way, they represent a significant minority that wants him up there. And they voted him in of their own free will. Donald J. Trump is America’s ill, legitimate child. And we’re about to give that child run of the place. No amount of denial will change that.

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Photo Credits: AttnGoodreads, Tumblr, Giphy, Mic, Giphy

President Camacho Celebrates MLK Weekend By Trashing Civil Rights Icon

And somehow, the Atlanta metro area got dragged into this shit too. We didn’t think it possible, America, but the Orange Don finally went full-throttle racist and didn’t even bother speaking in code anymore. And all it took was Rep. John Lewis shanking at him to get the coked-up cockatiel to put on his white robes go apeshit on Twitter.

A little background first: US Representative from Georgia and civil rights badass John Lewis appeared on Meet the Press a few days ago and waxed poetic on how much he fucking hated our President Elect. From NBC News:

“Asked whether he would try to forge a relationship with the president-elect, Lewis said that he believes in forgiveness, but added, ‘it’s going to be very difficult. I don’t see this president-elect as a legitimate president. [….] I think the Russians participated in helping this man get elected. And they helped destroy the candidacy of Hillary Clinton.’”

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We have to say, much as we love John Lewis, we have to disagree that Russian interference got the sociopathic orangutan elected. None of our intelligence agencies have come to that conclusion. Besides, we have much more faith than Lewis does in the stupidity of the American electorate. Trump was elected fair and square.

President Camacho could have taken the tack we just did – a polite, respectful disagreement with Rep. Lewis’ assertions. But then he wouldn’t be the guy who does stuff like this in his spare time:

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So instead, like a hormonal teenager who’s just been dumped for the first time, he took to Twitter to Tweef out his grievances. Unsurprisingly, he was just a teeny bit extra in his responses:

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We have a few things to say in response to this. First off, we love that Trump couldn’t settle for trashing the person he was mad at, but had to bring Lewis’ home and millions of voters into his Tweef rampage. What’d Metro Atlanta ever do to you, Donny Boy? Reject one of your garish, gold-plated turds of a building? Be a thriving, successful metropolis that is home to your arch-nemesis, CNN? Be home to a populace that won’t put up with your shit, and trolls you with photos of their picturesque neighborhoods? Perhaps we’re a little biased since Georgia is our home state, but Donald Trump seriously fucked with the wrong people.

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We also love that of all the ways in which the Orange Don could have gone after Trump, he chose the least-effective strategy: comparing bios. John Lewis, who marched with MLK and was beaten by police during one of his many civil rights demonstrations, is not the guy you call “do-nothing;” especially when your proudest sacrifice is building “tremendous structures.”

The best part of all of this: Trump revealed himself to be the worst kind of bigot. By way of extending an olive branch, he asked Rep. Lewis to help him with the “burning and crime-infested inner-cities of the U.S.” Why would John Lewis have any more expertise on that subject than any other congressman, especially considering his district is one of the more thriving metro areas in the country at present? Is it because he’s Black, and only Black people live in “burning and crime-infested inner-cities,” according to you, Donald?

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We know it’s inconceivable to you that majority-Black communities like Metro Atlanta can be – gasp – prosperous, but them’s the facts. That’s John Lewis’ district – the majority-Black successful one – so he can’t help you there. Sorry, dude, but your assumptions about Atlanta, John Lewis, and the Black community in general?

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But we would expect nothing less from you on MLK weekend. We would suggest you educate yourself by visiting the African American National History Museum in DC, but seeing as how your racism scheduling conflicts forced you to forego that visit, we suppose you’ll have to enlighten yourself another time.

Photo Credits: TenorShape, Imgur, Occupy CorporatismPinterest, Highlight Hub, Mic, Giphy, Tenor

President Camacho’s Press Conference Had Just The Right Amount of WWE Pageantry

He could’ve gone the tasteful route and answered questions like a normal human being, but the Orange Don rightly suspected that his adoring public was expecting more of him. Consequently, his first press conference as President Elect of the most powerful country in the world more closely resembled a WWE cage match than a question-and-answer session with the Chief Executive. Kenny Powers would be proud.

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Ostensibly, the presser-turned-clusterfuck was supposed to be about the Orange Don severing all business ties so he could at least pretend he was going to comply with our nation’s ethics rules. To that end, he brought out piles of manila folders he claimed were filled with all the paperwork he’d filed to put his company in blind trusts in the hands of his demon spawn children. Of course, the media grew instantly suspicious when asked to believe that the coked-up orangutan read that many documents when they didn’t even have any pictures on them, and so asked to see them. This is how the deranged cockatiel responded:

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That response, combined with the fact that none of the papers that were poking out had anything written on them:

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Convinced pretty much everyone with a working set of eyeballs that the folders were like everything in the Orange Don’s life, to include his wives, children, and business ventures: they were only there for show.

When Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget realized that the media wasn’t impressed with his tiny penis yuge stacks of folders, which should have proven he had the biggest, classiest, most successful business empire the world had ever seen, he got more than little testy. When he realized that all anyone wanted to ask him about was a leaked dossier that revealed his love of Russia, prostitutes, and golden showers, he got even more pissed (ha!).

A CNN reporter found out the hard way that Trump doesn’t arrange press conferences to answer questions so much as he does to give a reality-show-level performance the Kardashians only wish they’d thought of first. He tried to ask Trump about the dossier, which prompted Trump to berate the reporter in the same way he probably screams at his hairline when he looks in the mirror every morning.

“‘Your organization is terrible,’ Trump told CNN’s Jim Acosta when he tried to ask a question.

‘You’re attacking us, can you give us a question?’ Acosta replied.

‘Don’t be rude. No, I’m not going to give you a question. You are fake news,’ Trump responded.

Then, just to prove he’s trolling us all, he took a question from the real fake news organization, Breitbart. All the while, paid staffers from his administration applauded him and booed hostile questions from the media. At one point, his fluffy spokesperson, Sean Spicer, threatened to have the reporter removed from the presser.

All in all, we give Trump’s presser four out of five suplexes. We’re withholding the fifth suplex, because we know he can do better. Both the WWE and other, more successful dictators have given him the roadmap to succeed.

Our humble suggestions: Next time a reporter gives you lip, bust his ass with a folding chair. Maybe even teabag him while he’s rolling around on the floor to emphasize your point that this jabroni is indeed a purveyor of fake news. Don’t rely on your paid audience to cheer when you unleash your patented WWE moves: install lighted “applause” signs to give them their cues. Maybe instruct the cameraman to zoom in on a particularly hype audience member at just the right moment.

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At the end, shoot a gun into the air and stroll out with some smoking hot ring girls on each of your tiny little tea-pouring hands. Tell the press you’ll smell them later, drop the mic, and ride off into the sunset with a fog machine and a laser show enhancing your exit. Trust us – you’ll leave the haters breathless.

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Photo Credits: GIF Soup, Boing Boing, Barstool Sports, Total Pro Sports,  Chief Donald Trump

President Camacho Names His Son-In-Law Senior White House Advisor

And why not, America? He checks all the boxes. He’s a multi-millionaire who has no political experience – he’ll fit right in with the rest of the Orange Don’s illustrious cabinet!

Jared Kushner is married to Trump’s favorite child, Stockholm Syndrome Barbie, the way the Orange Don probably wishes he was.

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That will probably come in handy when the Cheeto-encrusted cockatiel gets bored during a policy meeting. Instead of having to dream up some outlandish sexual fantasy to distract himself from his humdrum daily routine of running the country (one in which he probably has MUCH bigger hands), he can just ask his senior advisor what it’s like living the dream of being married to his daughter. Trust us, America, you don’t want the orange-tinted King Joffrey to get bored. He does stuff like this when he’s bored:

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There is the nagging issue of whether it’s – you know, unethical – to hire somebody just because they’re related to you. After President JFK named his brother Bobby Attorney General, Congress decided that they had to pass some sort of law prohibiting that before the government was overrun with Kennedys, qualified and otherwise. That didn’t work out so well for them. But it was still a pretty good idea to put that into law, which you can find here.

There’s a serious question of whether Trump can hire his son-in-law which we’re sure will be drawn out into a messy, prolonged court battle. Kushner says he’s not going to accept a salary while he’s working for the White House. He also claims he’s getting rid of all his business entanglements to prevent a conflict-of-interest, which must be why he schmoozed Chinese businessmen with government ties to $2,100 bottles of Bordeaux just a few days ago. He comes from good, convicted-felon stock, so he learned from the best.

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But hey, hiring a man who breaks serious ethical boundaries is a small price to pay to for peace in the Middle East, amirite? Yeah, that’s right – the sociopathic orangutan who will be in charge of our nuclear codes in a few days actually thinks that his son-in-law will be able to successfully broker a peace deal between Israel and Palestine. Why he thinks this, we don’t know. We suppose the fact that Kushner is Jewish and has brokered real estate deals in the past are the only qualifiers, because there’s no other evidence he’s given to back this up. But hey, Trump still thinks pro-wrestling is real, so perhaps this is just an extension of his blissful fantasy world. Time will tell, America.

Photo Credits: Not EspeciallySand and Glass, Yahoo, Giphy

Drunk Tweefing: The Donald Trump-Meryl Streep Edition

Last night, for what has to be the millionth time in his life, President Camacho found himself under attack from some nobody loser who’s just jealous of him. That sorry sack of shit is Meryl Streep, who’s probably never won anything on her own merit and just rode her daddy’s coattails to success. Oh, wait – actually, that’s Donald Trump we were thinking of. Meryl Streep is an acclaimed actress who’s been at the top of her game for the last five decades and counting and won three Academy Awards out of 19 nominations. You know – total hack.

When Meryl accepted a lifetime-achievement Golden Globe award for being just the most untalented actress ever, she used her acceptance speech to call out the Orange Don for being – well, himself. From CNN:

“There was one performance this year that stunned me. [….] It was that moment when the person asking to sit in the most respected seat in our country imitated a disabled reporter. Someone he outranked in privilege, power and the capacity to fight back. [….] This instinct to humiliate when it’s modeled by someone in the public … by someone powerful, it filters down into everyone’s life because it kind of gives permission for other people to do the same.”

Just in case y’all missed it, this is the epic “performance,” where Trump mocked disabled NYT reporter Serge Kovaleski:

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Give this asshole an Oscar! We really didn’t think there was any way someone as mentally disabled as Trump could achieve even close to an approximation of what a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist sounds like, but he didn’t even come close did it!

Trump’s excuses after the fact were predictable for the adult, orange-tinted King Joffrey. First he tried to say he didn’t know the reporter that well, despite the fact that he told the audience before launching into his witty impersonation, “You gotta see this guy.” Oh, and the fact that they’ve met at least a dozen times.

Then, he launched a whole new movement, about as tasteless as the birther movement he led when the scary Black man took office and fixed the economy: the “I Wasn’t Really Mocking That Guy” Truther Movement. That’s just how Trump looks and sounds when he’s making fun of people, you guys. Never mind the fact that he’s constantly making fun of people, which makes him an asshole bully, but also that he doesn’t act that way unless he’s making fun of a physically disabled man. Check this 40 minute video of him insulting his betters in 2016 if you don’t believe us.

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So of course, because Meryl Streep is a woman, talented, and insulted him, our soon-to-be chief executive had to respond the only way he knows how: by Tweefing out insults.

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Why does this qualify as “Drunk Tweefing” when the Orange Don doesn’t even drink alcohol? Because the fumes emanating from his Tweefs make us feel drunk (that is, disoriented, regretful, and nauseous). And when he writes shit like, “I would never” mock a disabled person, he may as well have been impaired. No Donald, not you. The guy who says shit like this:

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And this:

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Oh, and also this:

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Would never be so classless as to insult a person based on their appearance. Dude, do yourself a favor and say it with us: “I’m sorry. I made a mistake.” Ready?

Sigh. Never mind.

Photo Credits: That ScoopGiphy, Giphy, Elite Daily, Odyssey, Giphy, Attn, Buzzfeed