Former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford Dies

The last ember in the crack pipe has gone out for Rob Ford, who died today at the young age of 46. This is a legitimately sad day for us here at GossiPoL. We loved Rob Ford both ironically and un-ironically for the give-no-fucks politician he was during his short time on earth.

Let’s recap the life of Chris Farley’s speed-freak Canadian twin, who gave us so much joy during his drugged-out haze of a political career. He was a devoted public servant who coached high school football in his spare time. Sometimes he’d allegedly assault his student athletes, but you can’t make a championship omelet without breaking a few eggs, amirite?

ADWEEK rob ford sports football fail

During his time on the Toronto City Council, he saved taxpayers money by paying for office supplies from his own salary. He also called Italian city council member Giorgio Mammoliti a “Gino-boy,” which makes no fucking sense but is still definitely an ethnic slur (I guess?). Before you get your panties in a wad, realize that Ford was an equal opportunity offender. When arguing against AIDS-prevention legislation he said, “If you are not doing needles and you are not gay, you wouldn’t get AIDS probably, that’s bottom line…those are the facts.” Asians even got included in the love-fest when he complimented “Orientals” for “work[ing] like dogs.” Aw, his racism was so adorable you guys!

canada sexy wtf politics tickle

In Rob Ford’s defense, he was probably really, REALLY high when he said that shit. After becoming mayor of Toronto, Rush Limbaugh’s face-twin was busted on video smoking crack. After weeks of denial, he finally admitted it with one of the most beautiful and poetic quotes of all time:

“Yes, I have smoked crack cocaine. But no – do I – am I an addict? No. Have I tried it? Probably in one of my drunken stupors.”

At the moment Rob Ford gave this brilliant “sorry, not sorry” admission, he won the hearts and minds of Americans and Canadians everywhere. Yeah, he might have smoked crack, but he was black-out drunk, alright? Quit riding his ass about it, he’s got a city to run! Well, he had a city to run. After a rehab stint, Ford lost his mayoral spot, but he quickly got elected back to city council, where he served until he tragically died of cancer. Rest in peace Rob Ford. You’re in heaven now, going on benders with the angels.

dancing canada toronto rob ford

Photo Credits: Okayface.com, GiphyGiphy, Giphy

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Sarah Palin Stumps For Donald Trump While Husband Chills In ICU

Family values are a super big deal to Sarah Palin. Just ask her. Don’t actually look for real life examples though. Knowing what we know about Sarah Palin, it should come as no surprise that she endorses a misogynistic kumquat for president. As we found out on Monday, that devotion runs DEEP. How deep you ask? Deep enough to stump for the Orange Don while her husband Todd languished in an ICU thousands of miles away. From Gawker:

“This morning, Sarah Palin canceled her Florida appearances with Donald Trump after her husband was hospitalized in intensive care last night [after a snowmobile accident]. This afternoon, Palin showed up in Florida anyway.”

Damn gurl, that’s:

Even more entertaining than the idea that Alaska’s favorite drunk aunt would rather be at a Trump rally than at her husband’s sickbed, is the shit that came out of her mouth once she made that fateful decision. This is my personal favorite:

“What we don’t have time for is all that petty, punk-ass little thuggery stuff that’s been going on with these quote-unquote ‘protesters,’ who are doing nothing but wasting your time and trying to take away your First Amendment rights, your rights to assemble peacefully.”

If you think that Sarah Palin’s word vomit is a result of worrying over her husband, I give you Exhibit A, better known as her initial endorsement speech for Trump. From Buzzfeed:

“Looking around at all of you, you hardworking Iowa families. You farm families, and teachers, and teamsters, and cops, and cooks. You rockin’ rollers. And holy rollers!”

“We kowtow, and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, ‘Thank you, enemy.'”

“Right wingin’, bitter clingin’, proud clingers of our guns, our god, and our religions, and our Constitution.”

Sodomy as allegory for America’s foreign policy? Check. Rambling mixed metaphors? Double check. Yup, it’s Sarah Palin alright. She is so eloguent you guys.

And to think, she was a heartbeat away from being a heartbeat away from the presidency. Good thing we learned our lesson, right America?

donald trump president

Right. Never mind then.

Photo Credits: TLC via Giphy, Reddit, Twitter, Giphy

Can’t A Girl Hang With Her Bestie Every Once In Awhile?

Why the guilt by association in politics, huh? Come to think of it, George W. Bush puts the “ass” in “association,” am I right? Aw, please clap you guys.

Samuel L Jackson Cat Stare Off gifWhatever, I don’t need your approval.

In all seriousness, why is it political suicide for Hillary Clinton to be buds with Dubya? Aren’t we past the whole guilt by association thing? Just because she’s pleased to see him at Nancy Reagan’s funeral doesn’t mean she co-signs every thing he’s ever done in his presidency. Well, except for the Iraq War.

burn tv television ashton kutcher ashton

Sorry, can’t help myself. Anyway, if we are worried that Hillary’s association with Dubya is more than just getting turnt at the club together every once in a while, we have her voting record to guide us. Just shooting the shit with the guy shouldn’t mar what has been, overall, a centrist Democratic record. Bernie is still the dankest, but let’s not vote that way just because Hill-Dog pals around with Dubya once in a blue moon.

Photo Credits: David Chalian/Instagram via US Weekly, Giphy, Tumblr via Giphy

Republican Debate In Miami: Puta Madre!

After months of complaining that recent debates had degenerated into name-calling and dick-measuring, the candidates finally agreed to remain relatively civil and stick to the issues at last night’s Republican debate in Miami. So, are you happy now America? You got to hear what the candidates had to say on policy, and I think we can all agree that a two hour dick-measuring contest would have been preferable. At least I would have had more dick joke material.

John Kasich kicked things off by saying something about “blowing the whistle on everybody.” I don’t know what that was in reference to because I frankly wasn’t paying attention, but that doesn’t mean I can’t turn lemons into lemonade and make an off-color joke like: “John Kasich must be fun at orgies.” Am I right, guys? Huh? Please clap.

Samuel L Jackson Cat Stare Off gif.gif Or don’t.

Of course, since the debate was held in Miami, and Donald Trump is going to get Mexico to pay for a wall that is approximately the size of his imaginary penis, immigration was a hot topic. The world’s classiest Cheeto dingle had this to say about the guest worker program:

“I know the [guest worker visa program] very well. It’s something that I frankly use and I shouldn’t be allowed to use, we shouldn’t have it. Very bad for workers.”

Let us all form a prayer circle around Donald Trump if heroin is ever legalized. After all, no matter how bad it is for him or the country, Donald will fucking try it so long as it is not illegal. What a cool guy. Not to be outdone on immigration hypocrisy, all of Trump’s competitors waxed poetic on their immigrant ancestors: Rubio on his Cuban parents, Cruz on his Cuban father, and Kasich on his Croatian grandparent. They all then breathed a sigh of relief, because now that their families are here safe and sound, every other immigrant can get the fuck out and stay there. We all on the same page now?

jimmy fallon full house ok thumbs up the tonight show

Social security was a fun topic, especially when Trump handled it with about the tone-deafness you’d expect from a guy who got his business going with a “small, $1 million dollar loan” from his daddy. Right after CNN moderator Dana Bash told him the SSA would run out of money in 20 years, Trump’s response was that he would keep it exactly the same and change nothing. Although now that I think of it, Trump’s poor grasp of basic mathematics might explain his inflated estimation of his dick size.

Shit got real when moderators started grilling Trump on his appalling foreign policy outlook. Instead of backing down on bro-ing out with Putin and praising China for massacring its own people in Tiananmen Square, Trump actually doubled down on that bullshit. Maybe when Trump says it’s big, he’s referring to the size of his balls.

Photo CreditsChip Somodevilla/Getty Images via CNN, Giphy via Reddit, Giphy via Saturday Night Live, Memepile via Pinterest

Democratic Debate In Miami: Now The Bitching Comes With Subtitles

The thermostat dropped about 20 degrees when I downloaded that cover picture. When Hillary strode by in her Emperor Palpatine as a Real Housewife of DC cosplay, she must have shanked Bernie before she reached the podium. If she didn’t cut him, that look certainly did. Of course Bernie don’t give a fuck since he’s too busy writing down his grocery list to notice Hillary mean-mugging him.

After losing Michigan, Hill-Dog could not have been pleased coming into last night’s Democratic Debate. Even more upsetting was the fact that Univision was hosting it, which meant they brought a whole lot of drama and DIOS MIO! to the proceedings. Bernie being besties with Daniel Ortega and Hillary’s failed Libyan policies were brought up by Jorge Ramos and company with all the pleasantness of a porcupine enema. Being Univision, they also brought a bit of Latin heat to the proceedings when it was time to take questions from the audience.

Sexy Univision Questioner.jpg

This reporter was allegedly translating for this abuela while Hillary gave her answer, but I think we all know what was really going on here: work and pleasure, am I right? He is really feeling this moment, but abuelita is like, “Will you hurry up already? Criminal Minds is on at nine and I still need to get dinner on the table.” That abuela is a professional. She is using and abusing this young piece of meat for all he is worth. My hero!

All in all, it was a really good debate filled with a lot of substance and a somewhat disappointing lack of dick-measuring. Bernie started off slow but built momentum when Hillary laughably argued that Bernie was being financed by the Koch Brothers. The Bern burns kept on rolling from there:

“Hillary’s speeches to Wall Street telling them to stop [committing crimes] must have been really effective. They were so scared they contributed another $15 million to her campaign.”

“I will match my record against yours every day of the week.”

In the end, we here at GossiPoL are still feeling the Bern, and we are fairly confident it’s not entirely due to a pesky VD. We are not the only ones either. Another Dem debate in the tank means yet another dank Bernie Sanders meme. Mazel Tov, everyone! Onward to the Republican dick-measuring contest!

disco bernie sanders democrats

Photo Credits: Carlo Allegri, Reuters via RT.com, Gabster via CNN, Giphy via Reddit