We’ve Almost Destroyed Almost All of The Orange Don’s Horcruxes

The last horcrux is in you, the American voter. Actually the last one is in his tragic weave, but the next to last one is in you, America. We’re always a close second to the Orange Don. If we had to guess, Steve Bannon was Trump’s Nagini. The Kumquat Despot always kept him close, and they always whispered bigoted shit to each other in parseltongue.

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After years months of pressure, the Apricot Asshole finally got rid of his favorite advisor, though they’ll always have Klan rallies to remember each other by. Once the tragedy at Charlottesville happened, it was only a matter of time before Stephen K. Bannon finally metamorphosed into a racist, gin-soaked ashtray, better known as the executive chairman of Breitbart. Trump even congratulated Bannon on going back to his job at Breitbart – wait, what is that you say? He never left? From Forbes:

“Kurt Bardella, Breitbart’s media consultant from September 2013 through March 2016, says that Breitbart’s insistence that the website has no ties to Bannon is ‘a lie,’ pointing to the reports that Bannon was involved in a Breitbart story criticizing Reince Priebus back in February. [….] ‘Bannon was the primary driver of anything touching on the political space and that hasn’t changed just because he isn’t there anymore,’ Bardella told FORBES.”

Bannon himself seems to be pretty excited that he can now suck his own cock openly operate his hate-filled propaganda machine for as long as his bloated liver and pancreas allow him to live. From the Chicago Tribune:

 

“In an interview with the Weekly Standard, Bannon says he feels ‘jacked up.’

‘Now I’m free,’ he said, ‘I’ve got my hands back on my weapons. Someone said it’s Bannon the Barbarian. I am definitely going to crush the opposition.’”

 

If you’re wondering why Bannon is talking like a WWE hype man, it’s because 1) he is, 2) he’s also an asshole, and 3) he’s not actually giving a quote to the media, but talking to a bottle of bourbon.

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So yeah, “Bannon the Barf-barian” is on the loose, y’all. What’s it going to be like, though? Well from the sound of it, the Barf-barian is not too happy with how he left the White House. Although he tried to tell his bros that he submitted his resignation a week before, we all know that’s bullshit because of how his fellow Neo Nazis friends in the “media” reacted to the news.

Breitbart says they are going to “war” with the Trump White House. Bannon himself even declared that the Trump presidency is “over.” He said he “always planned on [staying] a year,” which tells you he didn’t exactly accomplish his mission considering he was shitcanned after SEVEN MONTHS. Basically, Miss Bannon has gone full Mariah on Donald Trump:

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And we really can’t be surprised, because none of the assholes in the Trump Administration have an agenda besides pissing off liberals. All of these people – Flynn, Scaramucci, Bannon – are out for themselves. Even if it means the death of whatever crazy-ass misogynist, white supremacist agenda they have, nothing will stop these dirtbags from cutting off their nose to spite their face. It really would be in the Barf-barian’s best interest to support Trump and his cronies in every way possible. But he’s not gonna do that, because unless there’s crosses burning in the White House rose garden, they’re not ideologically “pure” enough for the Barf-barian. And to that, we say:

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Buzzfeed, Giphy, Giphy, Style Caster, Know Your Meme

Trump and Nazis Sittin’ In a Tree…

Acting in complicity! You know the words, America! So yeah, shit got real over the last few days, didn’t it? The Orange Don, tired of the subtlety of dog whistles and coded racism, went all-in and straight-up defended white supremacists. It’s kind of a refreshing return to his roots, since a recently-unearthed 1990 interview with Vanity Fair shows that all the jokes about this Cheeto-encrusted sack of shit keeping a copy of Mein Kampf in his bedside table wasn’t too far off the mark.

“Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s collected speeches, ‘My New Order,’ which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed.

‘Did your cousin John give you the Hitler speeches?’ I asked Trump.

[….] ‘Actually, it was my friend Marty Davis from Paramount who gave me a copy of Mein Kampf, and he’s a Jew.’ (‘I did give him a book about Hitler,’ Marty Davis said. ‘But it was My New Order, Hitler’s speeches, not Mein Kampf. I thought he would find it interesting. I am his friend, but I’m not Jewish.’)

Later, Trump returned to this subject. ‘If I had these speeches, and I am not saying that I do, I would never read them.’”

 

Considering that his dad was ALLEGEDLY arrested for rioting with the KKK, we’d say maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the white supremacist tree.

As we’ve all heard by now, there were two white supremacist rallies in Charlottesville, Virginia this weekend. The second one took a tragic turn when Heather Heyer, a counter-protestor, was mowed down by a Nazi in his car. I call him a Nazi because here he is with his fuckhead Nazi buddies (center):

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The ostensible purpose of these “Unite the Right” rallies was to protest the removal of a statue of Confederate general Robert E. Lee. Strangely, though, the way these assholes chose to protest said removal of said statue was to shout slogans, hold up signs, and give speeches that had absolutely no mention of Robert E. Lee or his memorial. Here’s what some of these idiots, who were chanting “blood and soil” (a charming throwback to Nazi Germany) looked like:

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If you were a normal person who wanted to protest the removal of a statue, and you saw these fuckwit fascists when you arrived at the demonstration, you turned right back around and got as far away as possible. If you were a white supremacist, you stayed. Call it woman’s intuition. There’s just something about a swastika that sends nice, decent folk running in the other direction.

Unless, of course, you’re the Kumquat Despot. After Steve Bannon likely whispered sweet nothings in his ear, he decided that lots of super cool, nice people were on the white supremacist side. And because he has absolutely no self-control, he decided to let the entire fucking world know that. Right before the signing of an executive order, the Orange Don let his freak flag fly on the Charlottesville crisis. From ABC News:

“‘We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides,’ Trump said Saturday from his golf resort in Bedminster, New Jersey. Looking directly at the camera, he repeated, ‘On many sides.’”

He then promptly left the stage before signing the executive order, and not for the first time, either.

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The very next day, Trump walked it back. But you just can’t keep a good racist down, because the very next day, he let us all know that scripted statement condemning racism was #FakeNews. At a presser in Trump Tower, the Orange Don went off script again in the most fucktastic display we’ve ever seen. From CNBC:

“You have some very bad people in that group, but you also had people that were very fine people on both sides. [….] You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking down of, to them, a very, very important statue and the renaming of a park from Robert E. Lee to another name. [….] So, you know what? It’s fine. You’re changing history. You’re changing culture and you had people, and I’m not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists because they should be condemned, totally. But you had many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and white nationalists, OK? And the press has treated them absolutely unfairly.”

Yup, some fine people. Like Richard Spencer, Baked Alaska, and this super-cool racist named Jason Kessler, who spoke at the event.

“No. No. There were people in that rally — and I looked the night before. If you look, there were people protesting very quietly the taking down of the statue of Robert E. Lee. I’m sure in that group there were some bad ones.”

Let’s look at the night before!

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Aw, polo-wearing bros who shop at Pier One couldn’t possibly be bad! Wait, what? They were chanting “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us”? Never mind, fuck them.

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For anyone who does not think what Donald Trump said yesterday was a clarion call to white supremacists (and unfortunately, there are quite a few people who fall into this camp), think back to the days of the Civil Rights Movement. These are the exact same kinds of arguments used by segregationists to decry civil rights activists. Were there people in the Civil Rights Movement who were violent? Of course! You don’t suffer under institutionalized racism your entire life without getting just a little pissed off. But make no mistake, America – the only reason to bring up the “both sides” argument is to equivocate white nationalists with those who fight for equality. We’ve seen it before – let’s not let history repeat itself.

Photo Credits: Huffington Post, NY Daily News, Los Angeles Daily News, Jewish Telegraphic Agency, The Independent, ABC News, Giphy, Outside the Beltway, The Gem Diva, Giphy

The Curious Case of Jeff Sessions’ Charlottesville Interviews

It’s gonna be a long day, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III. Despite the stress, it calmed the Attorney General’s nerves to refer to himself in the third person. His name had a lot of history behind it. A callback to the halcyon days of the Confederacy and its storied leader, Jefferson Davis. That history grounded him in righteousness, and prepared him for times like these. For Jeff Sessions, Confederate soldier American patriot, was going into the lion’s den: the Today show.

Those liberal media vipers were not gonna go easy on him. His boss had already made them mad by giving up the game: he’d refused to condemn the unseemly display of white nationalism that happened in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend.

Of course, the President was right to condemn violence “on all sides,” Jefferson thought. People on both sides – the white nationalists and the anti-fascist protestors – were assaulting each other. It was most vulgar. Especially that unfortunate business with the car. Why couldn’t those so-called “anti-racists” simply sit on their front porch and sip on a sweet tea? Back in my day, we would never have made such a spectacle of ourselves. Jefferson smiled serenely to himself. No siree – back in my day, we never gave anyone cause to suspect that we were trying to root out the scourge of people of color. We were always so careful.

Granted, there were times, Jefferson had to admit, that he was not so careful. That time he said to a colleague in the US Attorney’s Office that he liked the KKK – until he found out they smoked weed. Jefferson chuckled softly to himself. Even though he was foolish to have admitted such in public, that fine jest still made him laugh after all these years. That little kerfuffle was a stumbling block to all the great civil rights work he’d accomplished. He’d gotten so close to convicting Black voting rights activists when he was an assistant AG in Alabama, despite evidence that they were innocent of any wrongdoing. He’d fought bravely against discriminatory legislation like the Violence Against Women Act and hate crime laws while he was a US Senator.

Now that he was THE AG, he could finally fight against the racist policies that were keeping white Americans from getting jobs as crooked cops, or gaining admission into universities. But that position was getting more tenuous by the minute. The president, though he was a great, powerful white man, had his flaws. He was terribly impatient. Things like eliminating so-called “gay rights” and banning Muslims take time. That frustration is just further compounded by all these pesky women getting in the way.

He said the word as a curse. Women. If only men could be born as women, the world could be right again. If a man were born as a woman, she’d know her place – in service to men. Women could be so emotional sometimes. Like that she-devil Coretta Scott-King. Or Sen. Kamala Harris. Or Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Those women – if you could even call them that, for such shrieking banshees were not deserving of the moniker – did everything they could to thwart our plans for making America great again. Their articulateness, their determination, their seeming lack of regard for the opinions of men – they just made Jefferson so nervous.

Best not to think of that, then. It was time for the interview. Jefferson had carefully chosen what he was going to say. It was important to make them think he was condemning the white nationalists.

Oh lord in heaven – a woman and a negro interviewing me? Jefferson took a deep breath. Calm yourself, Jefferson. They’re just trying to rattle you, is all. Say what you practiced, and it’ll all be over soon.

“…the ideology of hatred, violence, bigotry, racism, white supremacy – those things must be condemned in this country, they’re totally unacceptable,” he heard himself say.

Of course, the woman had to bring up the “on many sides” statement. No matter.

“I thought it was a good statement. The next day they explicitly called out the Nazis…”

The black man interrupts. This would never happen in the good old days. Jefferson hated when people interrupted him, especially black people. So long as he didn’t slip and call him “boy,” he’d be alright though.

“The president is appalled by this…”

Again the black boy interrupts! And he has the nerve to bring up white supremacists celebrating the president’s statement.

“They are simply attempting to legitimate themselves in any way possible. This kind of hatred just isn’t part of our heritage.”

There we go. That’ll quiet those squawking birds. Jefferson could never for the life of him understand why the country had gone so downhill as to allow a woman AND a colored address a dignitary like himself in such a manner.

The interview was over almost as soon as it began. Yet despite Jefferson’s best efforts, something troubled him. They didn’t seem like they were buying it. But he’d practiced so well! All of the platitudes had gone off without a hitch. Why did those so-called “reporters” look at him in that way?

And it was then he realized, with a start of horror…

He’d left his white hood on for the entire interview. Again.

Photo Credits: Giphy

World War III With North Korea: How Trump Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb

President Teddy Roosevelt was a great man. He served his country with the Rough Riders, explored new territory in the Americas, and won a Nobel Peace Prize. As president, his foreign policy exemplified one of his favorite sayings: “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” President Donald J. Trump is not a great man. He is an even worse president. His foreign policy can be best summarized thusly: “Speak loudly, and carry a little dick.”

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Only seven months in, Trump is an abject, miserable failure as president. We tried to warn y’all, America, but your glue sniffing habit got in the way of your ability to listen to good advice. Some people are surprised at the fact that a man who dodged the draft five times, married three times (as of press time), and declared bankruptcy six times ended up being a terrible choice to lead the country, but some people also still think John Travolta isn’t gay. Never underestimate humanity’s ability to lie to itself is all we’re saying. So here we are, in the midst of a nuclear game of chicken with North Korea. A sociopath currently has the nuclear codes, and we leave it to you, gentle reader, to determine whether we’re talking about Kim Jong-Un or Donald Trump (hint: it’s both – we’re talking about both of them).

A few short days ago, our intelligence agencies brought us the harrowing news that North Korea is now able to put nuclear warheads on top of a missile. This makes it increasingly likely that Kim Jong-Un is going to be able to make good on the last part of the phrase, “Talk shit, get hit.”

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Thankfully, our level-headed commander-in-chief took a measured approach to this crisis. We’re just fucking with you – don’t you know by now that the Orange Don has never met a problem he couldn’t solve with bombastic rhetoric and Tweefing? The Kumquat Despot took time out of his busy golfing schedule to respond to this news in the worst way possible. From NBC News:

“‘North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States,’ the president warned, responding to a reporter’s question at his Bedminster Golf Club, where Trump has spent the last several days. ‘They will be met with fire, fury, and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.’”

If we weren’t so lazy, we would compile a list of quotes from Scarface and the president and dare people to tell us the difference. Seriously, you guys, does this not sound like Al Pacino with a shitty New York accent in place of a shitty Cuban one?

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This dick-swinging took Trump’s Cabinet by surprise, though we don’t know why they don’t just expect their boss to do the most moronic thing possible at any given time. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and Defense Secretary James Mattis both tried to downplay that Trump basically promised to nuke North Korea for verbal threats alone. Of course, our Apricot Overlord wasn’t having any of that shit. From CNBC:

“‘If anything, maybe that statement wasn’t tough enough,’ he told reporters at his New Jersey golf club. [….] North Korea’s state media responded by saying the country was considering a plan to attack the U.S. territory of Guam. [….] ‘Let’s see what [Kim Jong-Un] does with Guam. If he does something in Guam, it will be an event the likes of which nobody’s seen before, what will happen in North Korea,’ Trump told reporters Thursday. He added that his comments on Guam were not a ‘dare,’ just a ‘statement of fact.’”

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After seven months of whatever it is you want to call this presidency, we’ve learned one thing: tell Trump not to do something, and he’ll do the opposite just to spite you. The surest way to end this crisis is to have the LAMESTREAM MEDIA write an op-ed in which they say the following: “President Trump is far too much of a pussy to solve this détente with North Korea through diplomatic means. We highly recommend the nuclear option.” This shit would be over TOMORROW if WaPo ran that article.

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Sadly, we all know how this ends. There is no amount of self-delusion that can conceal the fact that Donald J. Trump is one vain motherfucker. The superficial is pretty much the only thing that matters with him, which is why things like crowd size and poll numbers take up so much of Trump’s mental energy. Advancing policy is the absolute last thing this dickhead cares about. No, it’s much more important that everyone knows he has a huge dick than it is for him to decide on a cohesive strategy for the war in Afghanistan.

The end game for him is not to come to a reasonable, peaceful conclusion that will result in as little loss of life as possible. No, the end game for the Orange Don is to appear to be powerful. That’s it. Just like his beautiful chocolate cake conversation with Xi Jinping, Trump just wants everyone to know he’s a big shot. In that scenario, it was important to him that the president of China knew that he had the authority to call in an airstrike. The fact that he didn’t even seem to know which country he bombed was of very little consequence to him.

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The same holds true for North Korea. Trump doesn’t care that millions of people may die if the conflict escalates to full-out nuclear war. His only worry is that he looks like the military strongman he sees in his favorite movies. Every other concern is secondary. If Trump could just live out his life like he were the protagonist in his favorite WWE storyline, he would be content.

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Just look at the way he “reassured” the governor of Guam after North Korea threatened a nuclear strike. From Newsweek:

“Republican governor Eddie Baza Calvo posted a recording of the conversation [he had with President Trump] on his Facebook page on Friday. [….] ‘Don’t worry about a thing,’ President Trump responded. “They should have had me eight years ago…I have to say, Eddie, you’re going to become extremely famous. All over the world they’re talking about Guam and they’re talking about you. And your tourism, I can say this, your tourism is going to go up like tenfold with the expenditure of no money, so I congratulate you,’ Trump can be heard saying over the phone.”

In Trump’s mind, Governor Calvo shouldn’t be worried about the possibility of a nuclear strike, but about his fame quotient. Trump didn’t call to reassure him that Guam would be safe from North Korea’s bomb threats – he called him to assuage Governor Calvo’s Trump’s fears that the island would remain a popular tourist destination. Because in Trump’s world, the house could be going up in flames – so long as the ashes have Trump’s gold-plated logo on them.

All we’re saying, America, is that you should practice your duck and cover a few more times.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Vanity Fair, Snark Squad, Tenor, Giphy, Giphy, WiffleGIF, Mic, Tumblr

America, Meet Your New Stepdad: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly

We were just getting to know our first dad, whose porn name (and actual name?) was Rinse Pubis. He’d taken us out to a few Sunday talk shows. He gave us a tour of his office, which was quickly interrupted when Tangerine Mommy Trump called him into her office to swat a pesky fly. It was really awkward when Daddy Pubis swatted Stephen Miller instead, but Stephen was super-cool about it (happens all the time). Daddy Pubis even asked us if we’d mind him marrying our mom. He promised he’d be the coolest Dad ever, and we could even call him Reek if that made us more comfortable.

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Tangerine Mom seemed happy. As happy as she ever gets. She’s always yelling about ratings and crowd size, but that’s just her. Most men don’t get that complaining about the most trivial, superficial shit is just Tangerine Mom’s way of letting off steam after an intense, 15-minute-long intelligence briefing. But Daddy Pubis had finally come around, and he was ready to make a big commitment after seven long months of courtship. He’d even traveled with Tangerine Mom to Long Island. If that isn’t love, we don’t know what is. Just when we’d finally gotten used to having a nuclear family – Tangerine Mom ghosted Daddy Pubis.

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It’s hard to believe, America, that our mom, who’s been married three times already, would tire of a man so quickly, but she did. Not only did she break up with Daddy Pubis on Twitter of all places, but she already had herself another man: former Department of Homeland Security Secretary, John Kelly.

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John Kelly does not want us to call him Dad, but we do it anyway, just because we know it pisses him off. Daddy Kelly is definitely not trying to get in our good graces. It was hard enough for him to leave his DHS wife for Tangerine Mom. He doesn’t have time to try and bond with us on Sunday news shows the way Daddy Pubis had done. No, Daddy Kelly, to prove his ardor for Tangerine Mom, is doing the unthinkable: he’s trying to block Tangerine Mom’s serious Twitter habit.

When they first got together, everybody was talking about how Daddy Kelly had really changed Tangerine Mom. She was different this time, they said. Just a few days into the job, all the media outlets were breathlessly describing how Daddy Kelly had finally convinced Momma Trump not to act like a rabid asshole on social media. How Daddy Kelly was the shining knight that swept Tangerine Mom off her feet and made her forget all about her grievances with the Fake News media.

Of course that’s all bullshit. America, we’ve known Tangerine Mom our entire lives, and we’re here to tell you: after 71 years of being an entitled asshole, Tangerine Mom ain’t gonna change for nobody. If respect for the office of president, fear of offending allies, and basic human decency isn’t enough to induce Tangerine Mom to quit bitching about all the “haters and losers” on social media, Daddy Kelly sure as hell ain’t gonna do the job. And sure enough, Tangerine Mom is back to her old habits again:

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Here’s just a sampling of the stupid shit Trump’s Tweefed out since Daddy Kelly came into the Oval Office:

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We appreciated Daddy Kelly’s gruff but loving exterior while he was our stepdad. And we say “was,” because we give him six months, tops, before Tangerine Mom moves on to her next conquest like the succubus she is.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Pinterest, Tumblr, Giphy, Tenor, WKMG, KWQC, Wikimedia Commons, Giphy