The Bubble Wrap President

When the alt-right coined the term “Snowflake,” they must have been looking into a crystal ball at their future lord and savior, Cheeto Jesus President Donald J. Trump. Minorities, peaceful protests, Rosie O’Donnell – you name it, it gets under the Kumquat Despot’s skin.

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The last two weeks have seen a Category 5 orange shit storm wreck the United States via Twitter. President Camacho has been feuding with everybody. Right after Hurricane Maria ravaged Puerto Rico, he called the mayor of its capital city “nasty” and an “ingrate” who “wants everything done for [her].” Of course, she totally deserved to be called out for the unpardonable offense of – gasp – criticizing the President’s disaster relief response. Which, as we’ve covered here at GossiPol before, was not great.

Trump also had “plenty of time” to spare to drag all the uppity Black athletes who took a knee during the pre-game national anthem. The coked-up orangutan felt it was an “important function of working” to Tweef about how NFL players don’t respect our military half so much as a five-time draft-dodger who hates on POWs as a hobby.

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So impassioned is our Commander In Chief about respect for our military, he sent a fully-functioning GOP action figure (complete with amorphous Ken doll genitalia, no doubt) to waste almost $250,000 of taxpayer money on a five minute counter-protest. From CNN:

“[Vice President] Pence left the [Colts-49ers] game after some players knelt during the National Anthem, saying he did not want to ‘dignify’ the demonstration. ‘I left today’s Colts game because @POTUS and I will not dignify any event that disrespects our soldiers, our Flag, or our National Anthem,’ Pence wrote on Twitter. [….] President Donald Trump tweeted afterward that he asked Pence to leave the stadium. [….] The grand total [cost of his hours-long trip to Indianapolis]: about $242,500.”

Upon hearing that, every taxpayer in America was like:

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Of course, it’s not a Category 5 orange shit storm if Trump doesn’t cut off his nose to spite his face. To date, he is still in a shade war with outgoing Republican Senator Bob Corker. It looks like Sen. Corker is now having second thoughts about helping to elect a sociopathic narcissist to our nation’s highest office. And now, Ms. Corker is not holding shit back. Oh, at all.

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From Politico:

“Earlier Sunday, Trump and Corker launched criticisms at each other via Twitter, with Trump firing the first salvo, writing that “Corker ‘begged’ me to endorse him for re-election in Tennessee. I said ‘NO’ and he dropped out (said he could not win without my endorsement).” In another post, Trump added that the Tennessee senator “also wanted to be Secretary of State, I said ‘NO THANKS.’ He is also largely responsible for the horrendous Iran Deal!”

Corker quickly responded with his own online post, writing that “it’s a shame the White House has become an adult day care center. Someone obviously missed their shift this morning.””

 

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Now Republicans are freaking out. They’re really starting to feel that the price of electing one of their own to the White House, regardless of qualifications, ain’t cheap. But only a few of them are freaking out for the right reasons.

You see, America, as entertaining as all of this fuckery is, it shouldn’t be our main focus. The sideshow is both the symptom and the disease of our mentally ill POTUS. His handling of the natural disaster in Puerto Rico is the perfect example of how Donald J. Trump is what we are now calling the Bubble Wrap President.

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When Hurricane Maria devastated the island nation, it was a turning point for the Trump administration. Dear Leader was already starting to show signs that perhaps he wasn’t going to be the “consoler in chief” people come to expect out of the President in times of crisis, at least judging from his tone-deaf handling of Hurricanes Harvey and Irma. Before he even had a chance to visit the island, Trump made clear he gave approximately zero fucks about 3.4 million American citizens living without food, water, or power. He Tweefed about pretty much everything but Puerto Rico, and only seemed to care when the mayor of San Juan shanked at him on national television. His first show of “empathy” came by way of Tweefs simultaneously promising help and admonishing Puerto Rico for their debt crisis.

Trump’s babysitters staff did not miss these warning signs. It was obvious to them – and to anyone with a set of functioning eyeballs and earballs – that if they sent the Kumquat Despot into the bleak and desperate aftermath of a hurricane, he would confirm that he didn’t give a KFC-induced shit about any of the people there. But keeping him away from the devastation would seem equally heartless. So they compromised. From the Washington Post:

The Puerto Rico that President Trump saw during his four-hour visit on Tuesday afternoon was that of Angel Pérez Otero, the mayor of Guaynabo, a wealthy San Juan suburb known for its amenity-driven gated communities that was largely spared when Hurricane Maria hit two weeks ago. [….] If the president had traveled a little deeper into the island, to the communities that sustained some of the heaviest damage, he would have witnessed a very different Puerto Rico. [….] More than 1,200 homes were flattened or suffered major damage [in the neighboring village]. At least one person at a shelter died of diabetes complications after not having access to medical care, and two people killed themselves.

[….] After the neighborhood tour in Guaynabo, Trump traveled to the nearby Calvary Chapel, an evangelical church that’s especially popular with conservatives and mainland Americans who have moved to Puerto Rico. [….] Trump continued into the church, where he was greeted by several dozen members and others who cheered his arrival. A few people in the crowd shouted that they loved him or held signs that read ‘Proud Americans,’ ‘Let’s Make Puerto Rico Great Again’ and ‘God Bless You, Mr. President.’ At least one person wore a red ‘Make America Great Again’ hat. [….] As he handed out some smaller flashlights, he declared: ‘Flashlights, you don’t need them anymore.’”

Trump’s handlers covered the Orange Don gently in bubble wrap to protect him from the big, bad world (or is it the other way around?). They made sure he bypassed the real aftermath of Hurricane Maria and led him gently into a propagandistic campaign rally instead. What’s more, it’s clear that Trump has no idea that’s what happened.

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So when Trump sees people criticizing him on his beloved morning news shows for proclaiming that he’s done a “great job” on Puerto Rico, he legitimately doesn’t understand why. In a painfully ironic twist, if he was confronted with the truth of his aides essentially lying to him to keep him from seeing the bigger picture, he wouldn’t be able to handle that either. The reason they lie to him in the first place is to keep him from doing all the stupid, impulsive shit he used to do when he was everyone’s favorite reality star/bankruptcy expert. Without smoke screens like the one deployed in Puerto Rico, Trump would’ve already withdrawn from NAFTA and fired Robert Mueller.

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So when you see Trump gleefully firing off 19 Tweefs in a single weekend while on a golfing vacation, bear in mind that Trump is doing that because he thinks he has successfully president-ed away all the world’s problems. Oh, that pesky North Korea thing? The one he ominously Tweefed about this past weekend?

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Don’t worry, America – he doesn’t really think he’s starting an actual war. That’s the consequence of having a Bubble Boy for a President. Trump has become so insulated from the real-life repercussions of his actions, he probably thinks “war” is just some sort of reality competition with Kim Jong-Un. Whoever gets better ratings during Sweeps is the “winner.” The fact that he even conceptualizes things like global thermonuclear war in terms of “winners” and “losers” tells you he doesn’t entirely understand the gravity of the situation.

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This is the kind of shit Sen. Corker is trying to warn us about. Because make no mistake: Trump is going to try and declare war on North Korea. The bigger question is whether anybody else in the GOP has the guts to try and stop him – and finally pull Trump out of his bubble.

Photo Credits: Reaction GIFs, The Odyssey Online, Tenor, Reddit, Pinterest, Tenor, Boing Boing, Cuddlebuggery, Tiger Droppings

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President Camacho Is The Soul Of Compassion: Puerto Rico Edition

There was a wee bit of a controversy this past weekend when the Orange Don decided to distract people from his piss-poor leadership skills get in a pissing contest with the NFL. Since Friday, when Trump decided to unload his purse at an Alabama rally for failed Alabama senatorial candidate Luther Strange, we here at GossiPol did the hard job:

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Ahem. We did the – difficult – job of tallying Trump’s Tweefs by subject matter. The total from Friday to Monday is as follows:

• Fake News: 2 Tweefs

• Alabama Senatorial Race: 3 Tweefs

• How Shitty the UN Is: 1 Tweef

• Attention-Stealing Hurricanes: 4 Tweefs

• Healthcare (a.k.a. dragging John McCain for wanting to insure sick people): 7 Tweefs

• The First Lady, Melanoma or Whatever: 1 Tweef

• Iran Maybe Getting Nuked: 1 Tweef

• Right After North Korea: 1 Tweef

• But Not Before THEY’RE FIRED – I mean, BANNED: 1 Tweef

• How Beautiful That Dump of a White House Is: 1 Tweef

• FUCK THOSE KNEELING, UPPITY BLACK PEOPLE IN THE NFL AND NBA: 19 Tweefs

That is not a typo, America. Four times (which is being generous, since three of those are consecutive Tweefs about Puerto Rico – more on that in a minute), our Orange Overlord multi-tasked and graciously turned his attention to the suffering of people devastated by three consecutive hurricanes while dropping a KFC deuce. Nineteen times, he decided to shank at professional athletes for being disrespectful to our anthem. How dare they! That’s his job, dammit!

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Four versus nineteen. Nineteen is more Tweefs than four. A LOT more.

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Don’t worry, though – he only Tweefed less about Hurricane Maria because of the care, attention, and detail he poured into those messages. Haha, LOL, just kidding, he’s still an asshole. Of course he’s the worst and of course his Twitter messages were the exact opposite of thoughtful and professional.

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When you look at Trump’s Tweefs, it’s almost like he’s jealous of the hurricane because it got to kill so many more Hispanics than he has. Maybe he’ll catch up before he’s impeached his term is up. Leave it to Trump, though, to find the most callous way to promise he’d deliver hurricane relief. Puerto Rico was poor and Hispanic before the hurricane got there. Don’t blame him if those dirty Mexicans can’t find a way to repay their debts! Why don’t they just declare bankruptcy like any self-respecting white con man businessman? Oh yeah…because for a long time, they were legally barred from doing so. Can you imagine how the Kumquat Despot would react if he was never allowed to declare bankruptcy?

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Yeah, we imagine it’d look something like that. Well, America, we can finally say, after nine months, we have a president who is qualified for the job. After all, if anybody knows bankruptcy, it’s Donald J. Trump.

Yesterday, President Camacho had a press conference that didn’t exactly assuage people’s fears about his bass ackwards priorities. From Mediaite:

“‘To me the NFL situation is a very important situation. I’ve heard that before about — was I preoccupied? — not at all,’ said Trump. ‘I have plenty of time on my hands. All I do is work, and to be honest with you, that’s an important function of working. It is called respect for our country.’”

We knew eventually that the Apricot Asshole would have a Freudian slip and accidentally admit that he has “plenty of time on his hands.” Donald, gurl:

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It’s obvious. Your Tweefing schedule is about as regular as your trips to your tacky-ass golf courses. I mean, we’re constantly on the Internets, but we’re just an asshole political dick-joke blog. What’s your excuse Mr. President?

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Right. That makes sense.

If, unlike our President, you actually want to help the more than 3 million victims in Puerto Rico, HERE’S a link to One America Appeal, a charity touted by all our living former presidents (any one of whom we’d take over the coked-up orangutan currently occupying the Oval Office). You can specify that the aid be donated to victims of Hurricane Maria.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Imgur, SBS.au, Giphy, Twitter, Giphy, Giphy, Laughing GIF

We’re Back From Vacation, America!

Luckily we didn’t miss anything. The Kumquat Despot is Tweefing incessantly about the NFL, so that means nothing else is going on in the world and everything is perfect.

“North Korea’s top diplomat says President Donald Trump’s tweet that leader Kim Jong Un ‘won’t be around much longer’ was a declaration of war against his country by the United States.”

Oh. We see.

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Shit.

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Wow. Okay. This is only slightly less stressful than dragging two kids under three on a week-long tour of the great state of Oregon. They were good under the circumstances, but let us paint a picture for you on what the last day looked like.

We stopped at a Hood River vineyard on the way home to pick up a few bottles of wine (one for the housesitter, one for each set of grandparents). Naturally, the kids had fucking had it with riding in the car. As soon as they set foot outside that car, it was like unleashing the kraken on that tiny, unsuspecting vineyard. There were couples lazing about on the porch, peacefully drinking wine without a care in the world. We vaguely remember what that was like.

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But their peace was rudely shattered by two hellspawn kids – one screaming his head off, the other running around in circles, picking up every glass she could find and screaming, “Mommy! Daddy! Momdad! Dadmom! NO CAR!!! POOOOOTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” The people at this winery rightly looked at us like we were the worst people on the planet. We were about as welcome in that vineyard as a screaming baby at a Trump rally.

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In the ten minutes it took us to sample four wines, pay for the bottles, and GTFO, we probably ended up with lower approval ratings than the current POTUS. Everybody gave us the death stare. Judgment was shooting out of their eyeballs, like RuPaul when one of her Drag Race contestants tells her, “I don’t sew.”

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You’d think we’d done something deplorable like taken a knee at a NASCAR race, or taken away healthcare from over 20 million people. But if you think about it, we had done something pretty deplorable: We subjected all of these blissfully childless couples to a glimpse of the dire hellscape that awaits them when they become parents. That can never be forgiven.

Long story short, every single one of those people would vote my kids into office over Donald J. Trump after the shit that went down this past week. We would too.

Photo Credits: Tenor, ABC News, Goode, Tenor, Buzzfeed, Pinterest

The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: The Hurricane Trump Edition

Poor, poor President Camacho. He’s under a lot of stress lately. First Daddy Kelly cut off the lifeblood of his paranoid Tweefs (Breitbart) and then a bunch of ratings-whore hurricanes required him to do actual work. And we all know how much the Orange Don hates working.

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A lot of you probably don’t know this, but in times of stress, the Kumquat Despot can be quite eloquent. With the weight of the world bearing down on him due to his complete and utter incompetence the lamestream media, not to mention the fact that his main homegirl and confidante Steve Bannon was unceremoniously dumped by Daddy Kelly, President Camacho needed an outlet for his anxiety. Who better to help him than his friend and erstwhile pen pal, Pickle?

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Because we are a premier political gossip blog, we got a copy of Trump’s second letter to his buddy, 9-year-old POTUS super-fan “Pickle.”

Hey Potato Chip,

How’s it hangin’? Mine are to the ground! Just so you know, I’m talking about deez nutz. You know what I’m talking about. Kids know life. I haven’t heard back since my last letter. Whatever. It probably got lost in the mail. I get shitloads of mail. That’s because I’m an important person. The MOST important person. Only important people get mail like I get mail. Make sure you send that quote to the failing New York Times so they understand how important I am. Sometimes they don’t get the memo. Not that I care. I’m too busy doing grown-up stuff like being President.

Speaking of being unpresidented, Melon Ball, I’m doing a lot of that lately. I don’t know how much Fox News you watch, but if you get your Chief of Staff to turn it on for you, they’ll tell you that I’m pretty much the greatest ever. For example, the hurricanes. There were these tremendous hurricanes that hit some of the loser poor states. At first I thought they were talking about the drink. They’re not booze though. They’re storms.

This one, Harvey, was a Category 5. No, Broccoli Tot, they’re not talking about a woman who looks super-basic – that means a whole fuckload of water gets dumped on beautiful structures. Everyone was super happy about it. Practically nobody died, and if they did they were probably too unsuccessful to care about. Maybe if they had better branding, like the Coast Guard, I would’ve noticed. Me and the Coast Guard saved a bunch of people’s lives. Here I am with two cats:

 

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Don’t look that up. It’s totally me. Believe me. Like I said, Zucchini Bread, the hurricanes were beautiful. When I went to Texas, a bunch of people threw me a campaign rally out of nowhere. That’s what happens when you’re a big shot like me.

Of course, there are a lot of haters and losers out there, Lemon Spritzer, especially on 9/11. You’d think people would show a little respect for me on that day, especially considering Trump Tower was the tallest after those loser Muslims knocked down the Twin Towers. They said I talked during a moment of silence for the 9/11 victims, but only an idiot would be distracted by…

Holy crap, Pumpkin Pie, did you see what ESPN said about me? Not ESPN, the black chick on ESPN, Jack-in-the-Box. She said I’m a “white supremacist,” whatever that is. It’s crazy how they let the Blacks have opinions now. My house elf Jeff Sessions told me he’d make a law against that, but so far, nothing! That guy is the worst. I should’ve fired him a long time ago, but he still hasn’t told me where his pot of gold is. I’m no idiot – he’s not leaving unless I get it.

Well, Roasted Garlic, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got LOTS of major Tweets to send, and this KFC deuce isn’t gonna drop itself. Daddy Kelly says I’m supposed to call Mexico and send my “condolences” (that’s a made-up word and he knows it) since they stole our thunder (just like they steal our jobs) and had a hurricane AND an earthquake. It can wait. What’s the worst that can happen – are they gonna pull millions of dollars in aid just because I’m an asshole? I’d like to see that happen! Smell ya later, Corn Flakes!

Your Pal, Donnie

P.S. OK, I’m not panicking or anything, but turns out Mexico is pulling that funding. Shit. What am I gonna do? I know! I’ll just say I tried to call the Mexico’s cell phone, but they were all out of minutes. That should work!

P.P.S. You can write back anytime. You can even mow my lawn. I’ve kicked all the Mexicans out, so I’ve only got little white kids to do it for me. You ARE white, right? I’d hate to deport you like all those Dreamers.

 

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tenor, The Washington Post, Snopes

Defending Ted Cruz’s Twitter Porno “Like”

Yesterday, the nation experienced the unthinkable: a terror attack that came from a Hispanic immigrant inside our very own borders. Our Orange Overlord warned us this would happen.

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This immigrant found his way into our country from Canada, where his Communist forbear was living at the time. He came to the United States, exploiting our permissive immigration laws that allow American citizens to move here without even having to so much as undergo a background check. He bided his time and used taxpayer dollars to go to our finest universities, likely usurping the rightful place of a natural-born, WASP American citizen. The whole time, he masked his true identity – Rafael Cruz – and posed as the unassuming Zodiac Killer.

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Under this assumed identity, he made his way to Congress. After he lost the 2016 Republican Primary to a sociopathic orangutan, Cruz saw his opportunity to lay bare America’s crumbling counterterrorism infrastructure and commit one of the most unholy, reprehensible acts: he liked a pornographic video on Twitter, thus forcing a vulnerable nation to picture his melting face contorted in ecstasy while he furiously faps to a three-way.

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Of course, Ted Cruz made a convenient excuse and said one of his “staffers” liked the video posted by @SexuallPosts. And you know what, America? We believe him. Besides the fact that we know Ted Cruz would only like a porno if it involved a copious and filthy application of Campbell’s soup, we just know in our gut this has to be true. After all, having a huge, throbbing staff problem is nothing to toy with.

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Letting another man jerk you around by getting off on your lap(top) sounds like fun, but there is a crisis point where it gets old really quick.

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Once something like this becomes public, you find yourself in a sticky situation.

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More and more people dogpile on you. Soon, what started out as a simple one-on-one issue becomes a free-for-all where everybody gets their licks in.

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It’s funny to watch, but when a turgid, engorged staff problem explodes all over your face, it’s not so humorous. There’s a huge mess for you to clean up at the end. And all the tissue paper in the world won’t help Ted Cruz clean it up.

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OK, just one more! Ted Cruz is not dicking around with his staff, anymore. No more Twitter for them!

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