President Camacho Is The Soul Of Compassion: Puerto Rico Edition

There was a wee bit of a controversy this past weekend when the Orange Don decided to distract people from his piss-poor leadership skills get in a pissing contest with the NFL. Since Friday, when Trump decided to unload his purse at an Alabama rally for failed Alabama senatorial candidate Luther Strange, we here at GossiPol did the hard job:

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Ahem. We did the – difficult – job of tallying Trump’s Tweefs by subject matter. The total from Friday to Monday is as follows:

• Fake News: 2 Tweefs

• Alabama Senatorial Race: 3 Tweefs

• How Shitty the UN Is: 1 Tweef

• Attention-Stealing Hurricanes: 4 Tweefs

• Healthcare (a.k.a. dragging John McCain for wanting to insure sick people): 7 Tweefs

• The First Lady, Melanoma or Whatever: 1 Tweef

• Iran Maybe Getting Nuked: 1 Tweef

• Right After North Korea: 1 Tweef

• But Not Before THEY’RE FIRED – I mean, BANNED: 1 Tweef

• How Beautiful That Dump of a White House Is: 1 Tweef

• FUCK THOSE KNEELING, UPPITY BLACK PEOPLE IN THE NFL AND NBA: 19 Tweefs

That is not a typo, America. Four times (which is being generous, since three of those are consecutive Tweefs about Puerto Rico – more on that in a minute), our Orange Overlord multi-tasked and graciously turned his attention to the suffering of people devastated by three consecutive hurricanes while dropping a KFC deuce. Nineteen times, he decided to shank at professional athletes for being disrespectful to our anthem. How dare they! That’s his job, dammit!

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Four versus nineteen. Nineteen is more Tweefs than four. A LOT more.

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Don’t worry, though – he only Tweefed less about Hurricane Maria because of the care, attention, and detail he poured into those messages. Haha, LOL, just kidding, he’s still an asshole. Of course he’s the worst and of course his Twitter messages were the exact opposite of thoughtful and professional.

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When you look at Trump’s Tweefs, it’s almost like he’s jealous of the hurricane because it got to kill so many more Hispanics than he has. Maybe he’ll catch up before he’s impeached his term is up. Leave it to Trump, though, to find the most callous way to promise he’d deliver hurricane relief. Puerto Rico was poor and Hispanic before the hurricane got there. Don’t blame him if those dirty Mexicans can’t find a way to repay their debts! Why don’t they just declare bankruptcy like any self-respecting white con man businessman? Oh yeah…because for a long time, they were legally barred from doing so. Can you imagine how the Kumquat Despot would react if he was never allowed to declare bankruptcy?

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Yeah, we imagine it’d look something like that. Well, America, we can finally say, after nine months, we have a president who is qualified for the job. After all, if anybody knows bankruptcy, it’s Donald J. Trump.

Yesterday, President Camacho had a press conference that didn’t exactly assuage people’s fears about his bass ackwards priorities. From Mediaite:

“‘To me the NFL situation is a very important situation. I’ve heard that before about — was I preoccupied? — not at all,’ said Trump. ‘I have plenty of time on my hands. All I do is work, and to be honest with you, that’s an important function of working. It is called respect for our country.’”

We knew eventually that the Apricot Asshole would have a Freudian slip and accidentally admit that he has “plenty of time on his hands.” Donald, gurl:

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It’s obvious. Your Tweefing schedule is about as regular as your trips to your tacky-ass golf courses. I mean, we’re constantly on the Internets, but we’re just an asshole political dick-joke blog. What’s your excuse Mr. President?

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Right. That makes sense.

If, unlike our President, you actually want to help the more than 3 million victims in Puerto Rico, HERE’S a link to One America Appeal, a charity touted by all our living former presidents (any one of whom we’d take over the coked-up orangutan currently occupying the Oval Office). You can specify that the aid be donated to victims of Hurricane Maria.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Imgur, SBS.au, Giphy, Twitter, Giphy, Giphy, Laughing GIF

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We’re Back From Vacation, America!

Luckily we didn’t miss anything. The Kumquat Despot is Tweefing incessantly about the NFL, so that means nothing else is going on in the world and everything is perfect.

“North Korea’s top diplomat says President Donald Trump’s tweet that leader Kim Jong Un ‘won’t be around much longer’ was a declaration of war against his country by the United States.”

Oh. We see.

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Shit.

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Wow. Okay. This is only slightly less stressful than dragging two kids under three on a week-long tour of the great state of Oregon. They were good under the circumstances, but let us paint a picture for you on what the last day looked like.

We stopped at a Hood River vineyard on the way home to pick up a few bottles of wine (one for the housesitter, one for each set of grandparents). Naturally, the kids had fucking had it with riding in the car. As soon as they set foot outside that car, it was like unleashing the kraken on that tiny, unsuspecting vineyard. There were couples lazing about on the porch, peacefully drinking wine without a care in the world. We vaguely remember what that was like.

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But their peace was rudely shattered by two hellspawn kids – one screaming his head off, the other running around in circles, picking up every glass she could find and screaming, “Mommy! Daddy! Momdad! Dadmom! NO CAR!!! POOOOOTTTTTTYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!” The people at this winery rightly looked at us like we were the worst people on the planet. We were about as welcome in that vineyard as a screaming baby at a Trump rally.

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In the ten minutes it took us to sample four wines, pay for the bottles, and GTFO, we probably ended up with lower approval ratings than the current POTUS. Everybody gave us the death stare. Judgment was shooting out of their eyeballs, like RuPaul when one of her Drag Race contestants tells her, “I don’t sew.”

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You’d think we’d done something deplorable like taken a knee at a NASCAR race, or taken away healthcare from over 20 million people. But if you think about it, we had done something pretty deplorable: We subjected all of these blissfully childless couples to a glimpse of the dire hellscape that awaits them when they become parents. That can never be forgiven.

Long story short, every single one of those people would vote my kids into office over Donald J. Trump after the shit that went down this past week. We would too.

Photo Credits: Tenor, ABC News, Goode, Tenor, Buzzfeed, Pinterest

The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: The Hurricane Trump Edition

Poor, poor President Camacho. He’s under a lot of stress lately. First Daddy Kelly cut off the lifeblood of his paranoid Tweefs (Breitbart) and then a bunch of ratings-whore hurricanes required him to do actual work. And we all know how much the Orange Don hates working.

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A lot of you probably don’t know this, but in times of stress, the Kumquat Despot can be quite eloquent. With the weight of the world bearing down on him due to his complete and utter incompetence the lamestream media, not to mention the fact that his main homegirl and confidante Steve Bannon was unceremoniously dumped by Daddy Kelly, President Camacho needed an outlet for his anxiety. Who better to help him than his friend and erstwhile pen pal, Pickle?

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Because we are a premier political gossip blog, we got a copy of Trump’s second letter to his buddy, 9-year-old POTUS super-fan “Pickle.”

Hey Potato Chip,

How’s it hangin’? Mine are to the ground! Just so you know, I’m talking about deez nutz. You know what I’m talking about. Kids know life. I haven’t heard back since my last letter. Whatever. It probably got lost in the mail. I get shitloads of mail. That’s because I’m an important person. The MOST important person. Only important people get mail like I get mail. Make sure you send that quote to the failing New York Times so they understand how important I am. Sometimes they don’t get the memo. Not that I care. I’m too busy doing grown-up stuff like being President.

Speaking of being unpresidented, Melon Ball, I’m doing a lot of that lately. I don’t know how much Fox News you watch, but if you get your Chief of Staff to turn it on for you, they’ll tell you that I’m pretty much the greatest ever. For example, the hurricanes. There were these tremendous hurricanes that hit some of the loser poor states. At first I thought they were talking about the drink. They’re not booze though. They’re storms.

This one, Harvey, was a Category 5. No, Broccoli Tot, they’re not talking about a woman who looks super-basic – that means a whole fuckload of water gets dumped on beautiful structures. Everyone was super happy about it. Practically nobody died, and if they did they were probably too unsuccessful to care about. Maybe if they had better branding, like the Coast Guard, I would’ve noticed. Me and the Coast Guard saved a bunch of people’s lives. Here I am with two cats:

 

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Don’t look that up. It’s totally me. Believe me. Like I said, Zucchini Bread, the hurricanes were beautiful. When I went to Texas, a bunch of people threw me a campaign rally out of nowhere. That’s what happens when you’re a big shot like me.

Of course, there are a lot of haters and losers out there, Lemon Spritzer, especially on 9/11. You’d think people would show a little respect for me on that day, especially considering Trump Tower was the tallest after those loser Muslims knocked down the Twin Towers. They said I talked during a moment of silence for the 9/11 victims, but only an idiot would be distracted by…

Holy crap, Pumpkin Pie, did you see what ESPN said about me? Not ESPN, the black chick on ESPN, Jack-in-the-Box. She said I’m a “white supremacist,” whatever that is. It’s crazy how they let the Blacks have opinions now. My house elf Jeff Sessions told me he’d make a law against that, but so far, nothing! That guy is the worst. I should’ve fired him a long time ago, but he still hasn’t told me where his pot of gold is. I’m no idiot – he’s not leaving unless I get it.

Well, Roasted Garlic, I’ve gotta go. I’ve got LOTS of major Tweets to send, and this KFC deuce isn’t gonna drop itself. Daddy Kelly says I’m supposed to call Mexico and send my “condolences” (that’s a made-up word and he knows it) since they stole our thunder (just like they steal our jobs) and had a hurricane AND an earthquake. It can wait. What’s the worst that can happen – are they gonna pull millions of dollars in aid just because I’m an asshole? I’d like to see that happen! Smell ya later, Corn Flakes!

Your Pal, Donnie

P.S. OK, I’m not panicking or anything, but turns out Mexico is pulling that funding. Shit. What am I gonna do? I know! I’ll just say I tried to call the Mexico’s cell phone, but they were all out of minutes. That should work!

P.P.S. You can write back anytime. You can even mow my lawn. I’ve kicked all the Mexicans out, so I’ve only got little white kids to do it for me. You ARE white, right? I’d hate to deport you like all those Dreamers.

 

Photo Credits: Giphy, Tenor, The Washington Post, Snopes

Defending Ted Cruz’s Twitter Porno “Like”

Yesterday, the nation experienced the unthinkable: a terror attack that came from a Hispanic immigrant inside our very own borders. Our Orange Overlord warned us this would happen.

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This immigrant found his way into our country from Canada, where his Communist forbear was living at the time. He came to the United States, exploiting our permissive immigration laws that allow American citizens to move here without even having to so much as undergo a background check. He bided his time and used taxpayer dollars to go to our finest universities, likely usurping the rightful place of a natural-born, WASP American citizen. The whole time, he masked his true identity – Rafael Cruz – and posed as the unassuming Zodiac Killer.

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Under this assumed identity, he made his way to Congress. After he lost the 2016 Republican Primary to a sociopathic orangutan, Cruz saw his opportunity to lay bare America’s crumbling counterterrorism infrastructure and commit one of the most unholy, reprehensible acts: he liked a pornographic video on Twitter, thus forcing a vulnerable nation to picture his melting face contorted in ecstasy while he furiously faps to a three-way.

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Of course, Ted Cruz made a convenient excuse and said one of his “staffers” liked the video posted by @SexuallPosts. And you know what, America? We believe him. Besides the fact that we know Ted Cruz would only like a porno if it involved a copious and filthy application of Campbell’s soup, we just know in our gut this has to be true. After all, having a huge, throbbing staff problem is nothing to toy with.

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Letting another man jerk you around by getting off on your lap(top) sounds like fun, but there is a crisis point where it gets old really quick.

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Once something like this becomes public, you find yourself in a sticky situation.

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More and more people dogpile on you. Soon, what started out as a simple one-on-one issue becomes a free-for-all where everybody gets their licks in.

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It’s funny to watch, but when a turgid, engorged staff problem explodes all over your face, it’s not so humorous. There’s a huge mess for you to clean up at the end. And all the tissue paper in the world won’t help Ted Cruz clean it up.

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OK, just one more! Ted Cruz is not dicking around with his staff, anymore. No more Twitter for them!

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Photo Credits: Reddit, Giphy, Tumblr, Imgur, Make A GIF, Giphy, Tenor, Giphy, Tenor, Reddit

Teen Heartthrob Steve Bannon Removes White Hood And Cloak For 60 Minutes Interview

It feels like only yesterday that Daddy Kelly imposed major restrictions on the Orange Don. Even though those restrictions are totally chafing his Cheeto-pimpled ass, President Donald J. Trump is way too lazy to do anything about it. That means he doesn’t get to enjoy former pasttimes like reading Breitbart on the shitter.

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More importantly, Daddy Kelly forced the Orange Don to break up with his toxic ex, Steve Bannon. Now that Bannon is no longer lurking around the White House to whisper sweet dog whistles nothings into President Camacho’s ear, he decided to get his ex-girlfriend’s attention the only way he knew how: by doing a televised interview. You can see the full interview and transcript here. We highly recommend you watch the full video, because there is nothing that compares to seeing STEAMING HOT SLICE OF MAN Steve Bannon wearing TWO button-up shirts with the top two buttons undone for RAW SEX APPEAL.

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Don’t you chicks say Bannon never gave you anything (besides Hep C).

Because ladies like to look their best, Ms. Bannon also decided to shellack a metric ton of foundation all over his face to cover up some – how do we put this delicately – imperfections caused by his ALLEGED alcohol abuse. This led Ann Coulter to feign outrage over how awful 60 Minutes’ editors made him look. We have to say we agree with Ann on this one. How could you possibly make this Casanova look bad!

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We don’t know how those liberal thugs at 60 Minutes sleep at night. Now this may shock you, America, but the head of Breitbart said some super crazy and racist shit. We don’t have time to recap it all, but here are some of the highlights.

We already covered how avowed Catholic Bannon shaded his own church by saying they “needed illegal aliens to fill” their pews. That was just the tip of the xenophobic iceberg.

Charlie Rose: We’re all immigrants. Except the Native Americans –

Bannon: Don’t – don’t give me – this is the thing of the leftists. Charlie, that’s beneath you. America’s built on our citizens. Look at the 19th century. What built America’s called the American system, from Hamilton to Polk to Henry Clay to Lincoln to the Roosevelts. A system of protection of our manufacturing, financial system that lends to manufacturers, OK? And the control of our borders. Economic nationalism is what this country was built on.

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You got that guys? America is for Americans only! This is a system built on her citizens! Citizens like Alexander Hamilton, who technically wasn’t born in America, but whatever. We suppose since he became a Founding Father and isn’t brown-skinned, he gets a pass from Dreamboat Bannon on being a – what do you call it? Oh yeah – an IMMIGRANT. You know, those people who weren’t born in this country but migrate here to adopt its principles, pay its taxes, and build its infrastructure? We won’t even touch the fact that 19th century America was created through slave labor, because we’re sure Bannon would find that to be beneath us.

If you were wondering, America, where Trump got the genius idea to equivocate neo-Nazis with counter-protestors in Charlottesville, look no further than the Jabba the Hutt of carcinogens.

“I was the only guy that came out and tried to defend [Trump]. I was the only guy that said, ‘He’s talking about something, taking it up to a higher level.’ Where does it all go? Where does this end? Does it end in taking down the Washington Monument? [….] What he was trying to say is that people that support the [Confederate] monument staying there peacefully and people that oppose that, that’s the normal course of the First Amendment.”

You guys, we found a picture of “the normal course of the First Amendment” that took place in Charlottesville.

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Here’s another one:

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This is the same bullshit argument that Brian Kilmeade and Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke used on Fox and Friends when they compared Confederate memorials to the 9/11 Memorial.

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The analogy doesn’t work because we’re not honoring the cause of people who attacked the United States with things like the Washington Monument and the 9/11 Memorial. Unless these assholes want to erect monuments to King George III and Osama Bin Laden, they should probably stop before they fall right off their self-righteous slippery slope argument and hurt themselves

Don’t say our boy Bannon is a racist, though. Just because he’s a Charlottesville apologist doesn’t mean he’s racist. He’s even been in the same room with minorities on multiple occasions and lived to tell the tale!

“I was raised in a desegregated neighborhood. The north side of Richmond is predominantly black, OK? I went to an integrated school, a Catholic school. I served in the military. I don’t need to be lectured by a bunch of limousine liberals, OK, from the Upper East Side of New York and from the Hamptons, OK, about any of this. My lived experience is that.”

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Hear that, “limousine liberals?” Don’t come at private-school attending, multi-millionaire Harvard grad Stephen K. Bannon, aight? The guy who made a second-generation multi-billionaire president doesn’t need you looking down your noses at him. Just because he hates Mexicans and Black people and Muslims and women. Oh yeah, how could we forget his misogyny?

“[The Access Hollywood tape] is just locker room talk. [….]When you side with a man, you side with him, OK? The good and the bad. You can criticize him behind, but when you side with him, you have to side with him. And that’s what Billy Bush weekend showed me.”

Damn, Bannon is one loyal boyfriend.

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Trump could probably grab his wife and daughter by the pussy right in front of his necrotic face and Bannon wouldn’t say shit to him. Because once Bannon sided with Trump, that was it. No independent thought required after that. Of course, Bannon still rips Trump a new asshole via Breitbart every time his Orange Overlord even thinks about pussing out on building a border wall. But that’s important, not some trivial sexual assault. It’s hard to care about stupid shit like women’s rights when you’ve got two paragons of masculinity running the country.

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Photo Credits: Radio New Zealand, Giphy, Business Insider, Snopes, BuzzFeed, NY Times, geekXpop, Media Matters, Cosmopolitan, Giphy, Giphy