The Curious Case of Jeff Sessions’ Charlottesville Interviews

It’s gonna be a long day, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III. Despite the stress, it calmed the Attorney General’s nerves to refer to himself in the third person. His name had a lot of history behind it. A callback to the halcyon days of the Confederacy and its storied leader, Jefferson Davis. That history grounded him in righteousness, and prepared him for times like these. For Jeff Sessions, Confederate soldier American patriot, was going into the lion’s den: the Today show.

Those liberal media vipers were not gonna go easy on him. His boss had already made them mad by giving up the game: he’d refused to condemn the unseemly display of white nationalism that happened in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend.

Of course, the President was right to condemn violence “on all sides,” Jefferson thought. People on both sides – the white nationalists and the anti-fascist protestors – were assaulting each other. It was most vulgar. Especially that unfortunate business with the car. Why couldn’t those so-called “anti-racists” simply sit on their front porch and sip on a sweet tea? Back in my day, we would never have made such a spectacle of ourselves. Jefferson smiled serenely to himself. No siree – back in my day, we never gave anyone cause to suspect that we were trying to root out the scourge of people of color. We were always so careful.

Granted, there were times, Jefferson had to admit, that he was not so careful. That time he said to a colleague in the US Attorney’s Office that he liked the KKK – until he found out they smoked weed. Jefferson chuckled softly to himself. Even though he was foolish to have admitted such in public, that fine jest still made him laugh after all these years. That little kerfuffle was a stumbling block to all the great civil rights work he’d accomplished. He’d gotten so close to convicting Black voting rights activists when he was an assistant AG in Alabama, despite evidence that they were innocent of any wrongdoing. He’d fought bravely against discriminatory legislation like the Violence Against Women Act and hate crime laws while he was a US Senator.

Now that he was THE AG, he could finally fight against the racist policies that were keeping white Americans from getting jobs as crooked cops, or gaining admission into universities. But that position was getting more tenuous by the minute. The president, though he was a great, powerful white man, had his flaws. He was terribly impatient. Things like eliminating so-called “gay rights” and banning Muslims take time. That frustration is just further compounded by all these pesky women getting in the way.

He said the word as a curse. Women. If only men could be born as women, the world could be right again. If a man were born as a woman, she’d know her place – in service to men. Women could be so emotional sometimes. Like that she-devil Coretta Scott-King. Or Sen. Kamala Harris. Or Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Those women – if you could even call them that, for such shrieking banshees were not deserving of the moniker – did everything they could to thwart our plans for making America great again. Their articulateness, their determination, their seeming lack of regard for the opinions of men – they just made Jefferson so nervous.

Best not to think of that, then. It was time for the interview. Jefferson had carefully chosen what he was going to say. It was important to make them think he was condemning the white nationalists.

Oh lord in heaven – a woman and a negro interviewing me? Jefferson took a deep breath. Calm yourself, Jefferson. They’re just trying to rattle you, is all. Say what you practiced, and it’ll all be over soon.

“…the ideology of hatred, violence, bigotry, racism, white supremacy – those things must be condemned in this country, they’re totally unacceptable,” he heard himself say.

Of course, the woman had to bring up the “on many sides” statement. No matter.

“I thought it was a good statement. The next day they explicitly called out the Nazis…”

The black man interrupts. This would never happen in the good old days. Jefferson hated when people interrupted him, especially black people. So long as he didn’t slip and call him “boy,” he’d be alright though.

“The president is appalled by this…”

Again the black boy interrupts! And he has the nerve to bring up white supremacists celebrating the president’s statement.

“They are simply attempting to legitimate themselves in any way possible. This kind of hatred just isn’t part of our heritage.”

There we go. That’ll quiet those squawking birds. Jefferson could never for the life of him understand why the country had gone so downhill as to allow a woman AND a colored address a dignitary like himself in such a manner.

The interview was over almost as soon as it began. Yet despite Jefferson’s best efforts, something troubled him. They didn’t seem like they were buying it. But he’d practiced so well! All of the platitudes had gone off without a hitch. Why did those so-called “reporters” look at him in that way?

And it was then he realized, with a start of horror…

He’d left his white hood on for the entire interview. Again.

Photo Credits: Giphy

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World War III With North Korea: How Trump Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb

President Teddy Roosevelt was a great man. He served his country with the Rough Riders, explored new territory in the Americas, and won a Nobel Peace Prize. As president, his foreign policy exemplified one of his favorite sayings: “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” President Donald J. Trump is not a great man. He is an even worse president. His foreign policy can be best summarized thusly: “Speak loudly, and carry a little dick.”

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Only seven months in, Trump is an abject, miserable failure as president. We tried to warn y’all, America, but your glue sniffing habit got in the way of your ability to listen to good advice. Some people are surprised at the fact that a man who dodged the draft five times, married three times (as of press time), and declared bankruptcy six times ended up being a terrible choice to lead the country, but some people also still think John Travolta isn’t gay. Never underestimate humanity’s ability to lie to itself is all we’re saying. So here we are, in the midst of a nuclear game of chicken with North Korea. A sociopath currently has the nuclear codes, and we leave it to you, gentle reader, to determine whether we’re talking about Kim Jong-Un or Donald Trump (hint: it’s both – we’re talking about both of them).

A few short days ago, our intelligence agencies brought us the harrowing news that North Korea is now able to put nuclear warheads on top of a missile. This makes it increasingly likely that Kim Jong-Un is going to be able to make good on the last part of the phrase, “Talk shit, get hit.”

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Thankfully, our level-headed commander-in-chief took a measured approach to this crisis. We’re just fucking with you – don’t you know by now that the Orange Don has never met a problem he couldn’t solve with bombastic rhetoric and Tweefing? The Kumquat Despot took time out of his busy golfing schedule to respond to this news in the worst way possible. From NBC News:

“‘North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States,’ the president warned, responding to a reporter’s question at his Bedminster Golf Club, where Trump has spent the last several days. ‘They will be met with fire, fury, and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.’”

If we weren’t so lazy, we would compile a list of quotes from Scarface and the president and dare people to tell us the difference. Seriously, you guys, does this not sound like Al Pacino with a shitty New York accent in place of a shitty Cuban one?

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This dick-swinging took Trump’s Cabinet by surprise, though we don’t know why they don’t just expect their boss to do the most moronic thing possible at any given time. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and Defense Secretary James Mattis both tried to downplay that Trump basically promised to nuke North Korea for verbal threats alone. Of course, our Apricot Overlord wasn’t having any of that shit. From CNBC:

“‘If anything, maybe that statement wasn’t tough enough,’ he told reporters at his New Jersey golf club. [….] North Korea’s state media responded by saying the country was considering a plan to attack the U.S. territory of Guam. [….] ‘Let’s see what [Kim Jong-Un] does with Guam. If he does something in Guam, it will be an event the likes of which nobody’s seen before, what will happen in North Korea,’ Trump told reporters Thursday. He added that his comments on Guam were not a ‘dare,’ just a ‘statement of fact.’”

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After seven months of whatever it is you want to call this presidency, we’ve learned one thing: tell Trump not to do something, and he’ll do the opposite just to spite you. The surest way to end this crisis is to have the LAMESTREAM MEDIA write an op-ed in which they say the following: “President Trump is far too much of a pussy to solve this détente with North Korea through diplomatic means. We highly recommend the nuclear option.” This shit would be over TOMORROW if WaPo ran that article.

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Sadly, we all know how this ends. There is no amount of self-delusion that can conceal the fact that Donald J. Trump is one vain motherfucker. The superficial is pretty much the only thing that matters with him, which is why things like crowd size and poll numbers take up so much of Trump’s mental energy. Advancing policy is the absolute last thing this dickhead cares about. No, it’s much more important that everyone knows he has a huge dick than it is for him to decide on a cohesive strategy for the war in Afghanistan.

The end game for him is not to come to a reasonable, peaceful conclusion that will result in as little loss of life as possible. No, the end game for the Orange Don is to appear to be powerful. That’s it. Just like his beautiful chocolate cake conversation with Xi Jinping, Trump just wants everyone to know he’s a big shot. In that scenario, it was important to him that the president of China knew that he had the authority to call in an airstrike. The fact that he didn’t even seem to know which country he bombed was of very little consequence to him.

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The same holds true for North Korea. Trump doesn’t care that millions of people may die if the conflict escalates to full-out nuclear war. His only worry is that he looks like the military strongman he sees in his favorite movies. Every other concern is secondary. If Trump could just live out his life like he were the protagonist in his favorite WWE storyline, he would be content.

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Just look at the way he “reassured” the governor of Guam after North Korea threatened a nuclear strike. From Newsweek:

“Republican governor Eddie Baza Calvo posted a recording of the conversation [he had with President Trump] on his Facebook page on Friday. [….] ‘Don’t worry about a thing,’ President Trump responded. “They should have had me eight years ago…I have to say, Eddie, you’re going to become extremely famous. All over the world they’re talking about Guam and they’re talking about you. And your tourism, I can say this, your tourism is going to go up like tenfold with the expenditure of no money, so I congratulate you,’ Trump can be heard saying over the phone.”

In Trump’s mind, Governor Calvo shouldn’t be worried about the possibility of a nuclear strike, but about his fame quotient. Trump didn’t call to reassure him that Guam would be safe from North Korea’s bomb threats – he called him to assuage Governor Calvo’s Trump’s fears that the island would remain a popular tourist destination. Because in Trump’s world, the house could be going up in flames – so long as the ashes have Trump’s gold-plated logo on them.

All we’re saying, America, is that you should practice your duck and cover a few more times.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Vanity Fair, Snark Squad, Tenor, Giphy, Giphy, WiffleGIF, Mic, Tumblr

America, Meet Your New Stepdad: White House Chief of Staff John Kelly

We were just getting to know our first dad, whose porn name (and actual name?) was Rinse Pubis. He’d taken us out to a few Sunday talk shows. He gave us a tour of his office, which was quickly interrupted when Tangerine Mommy Trump called him into her office to swat a pesky fly. It was really awkward when Daddy Pubis swatted Stephen Miller instead, but Stephen was super-cool about it (happens all the time). Daddy Pubis even asked us if we’d mind him marrying our mom. He promised he’d be the coolest Dad ever, and we could even call him Reek if that made us more comfortable.

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Tangerine Mom seemed happy. As happy as she ever gets. She’s always yelling about ratings and crowd size, but that’s just her. Most men don’t get that complaining about the most trivial, superficial shit is just Tangerine Mom’s way of letting off steam after an intense, 15-minute-long intelligence briefing. But Daddy Pubis had finally come around, and he was ready to make a big commitment after seven long months of courtship. He’d even traveled with Tangerine Mom to Long Island. If that isn’t love, we don’t know what is. Just when we’d finally gotten used to having a nuclear family – Tangerine Mom ghosted Daddy Pubis.

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It’s hard to believe, America, that our mom, who’s been married three times already, would tire of a man so quickly, but she did. Not only did she break up with Daddy Pubis on Twitter of all places, but she already had herself another man: former Department of Homeland Security Secretary, John Kelly.

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John Kelly does not want us to call him Dad, but we do it anyway, just because we know it pisses him off. Daddy Kelly is definitely not trying to get in our good graces. It was hard enough for him to leave his DHS wife for Tangerine Mom. He doesn’t have time to try and bond with us on Sunday news shows the way Daddy Pubis had done. No, Daddy Kelly, to prove his ardor for Tangerine Mom, is doing the unthinkable: he’s trying to block Tangerine Mom’s serious Twitter habit.

When they first got together, everybody was talking about how Daddy Kelly had really changed Tangerine Mom. She was different this time, they said. Just a few days into the job, all the media outlets were breathlessly describing how Daddy Kelly had finally convinced Momma Trump not to act like a rabid asshole on social media. How Daddy Kelly was the shining knight that swept Tangerine Mom off her feet and made her forget all about her grievances with the Fake News media.

Of course that’s all bullshit. America, we’ve known Tangerine Mom our entire lives, and we’re here to tell you: after 71 years of being an entitled asshole, Tangerine Mom ain’t gonna change for nobody. If respect for the office of president, fear of offending allies, and basic human decency isn’t enough to induce Tangerine Mom to quit bitching about all the “haters and losers” on social media, Daddy Kelly sure as hell ain’t gonna do the job. And sure enough, Tangerine Mom is back to her old habits again:

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Here’s just a sampling of the stupid shit Trump’s Tweefed out since Daddy Kelly came into the Oval Office:

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We appreciated Daddy Kelly’s gruff but loving exterior while he was our stepdad. And we say “was,” because we give him six months, tops, before Tangerine Mom moves on to her next conquest like the succubus she is.

Photo Credits: Giphy, Pinterest, Tumblr, Giphy, Tenor, WKMG, KWQC, Wikimedia Commons, Giphy

The Chronicles of Pickle’s Pen Pal: President Donald J. Trump

There’s lots of groundbreaking world news we missed during our extended absence. Probably the most earth-shattering was the revelation that Donald Trump has a friend. That friend took the form of a carefully orchestrated distraction from the ineptitude of the Trump administration letter written by a 9-year-old boy whose friends call him “Pickle.” Here’s that letter in all its glory:

We know this letter excited the Orange Don for two reasons: First, because he finally had someone to talk to that could match the eloquence of his Twitter feed. Second, because he had his over-it lackey, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders, read the letter to the press pool.

What a lot of people don’t know, however, is that the Kumquat Despot actually took time out of his busy Tweefing schedule (that’s qweefing out an ill-advised Tweet for all you rookies) to respond to his buddy Pickle’s letter. It went something like this:

Hey Cucumber,

It’s Don. Duh. Thanks for the letter. You could’ve sent me a Tweet, but you’re probably too poor to own a Tweet-making thingy. I’m not poor, though. I’m a billionaire. I’m worth, like, $5, $10, $15, $20 billion – it varies depending on how I feel in the morning. I even earned some of that money myself. What I didn’t lose in bankruptcy or alimony payments, I mean.

Anyway, if you ever decide to get a real job like I did, you should totally get a Tweet-making thingy. It’s great when you’re pushing out a KFC deuce and need something to do. I use it for important unpresidented stuff like calling Rosie O’Donnell fat and wishing all the haters and losers a happy 7/11 – I mean, 9/11. If I don’t like the job one of my babysitters – I mean staffers – is doing, I can use it to fire them, like I did to my old buddy Rinse Pubis. You should see the looks on their faces when they check out my Twitter feed and find out they’ve been shitcanned. Hilarious!

So Rutabaga, what do you like to do for fun? I love golfing. I’m the best at it. I can hit the ball farther than anybody, especially that little pipsqueak Michael Bloomberg. He thinks he’s so great just because he has a shit ton more money than me and is a much better politician. Sad! I like golf because it gives me a chance to get away from this dump of a White House. And I really need to get away. A LOT. It’s hard to appreciate a mansion like the White House when you’ve got a really classy place like Trump Tower to live in. Everything’s gold-plated. Putting gold on stuff means you’re important, and that your dad really loved you. Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yeah – golf.

Golf gives me a chance to show off my sweet bod. I didn’t get married three times for nothing. Women LOVE me. You got that? They LOVE ME. Especially Melanoma, or whatever her name is. She does a lot of little things to show everyone how much she loves being my trophy wife. She plays handsy with me all the time in public. She stayed in New York even after I moved into the White House – just to keep the relationship FRESH and STEAMY. You know what I’m talking about, right Potato? You know life. Kids know life. OK, I’m talking about BONING.

Since we’re on the subject, a little advice about women from a guy who knows. You really wanna impress one, you’ve gotta pull out all the stops. I’m talking furniture shopping, planting fake stories with the Enquirer – whatever it takes to get in her pants. She might act like she’s not interested, just because she’s married or literally in the middle of doing her job, but trust me – she wants it. If you’re getting nowhere, just do what I do – grab her right by the pussy. Don’t let go until she turns 30 (gross!) or her green card expires.

Man, Fennel, you are SO lucky to be getting a letter from a guy like me. I’m really important, and I have the best brain for knowing things. I get the best intel, too. You’ll never believe this shit we got from the Israelis. They told us…damn, gotta go. Daddy Kelly is calling me. He says it’s time for a nap, but I’M NOT TIRED! I’ll show his ass. I’ll sic Bannon (if he ever stops sucking his own cock) or Kellyanne on him. Smell ya later, Turnip.

Your Friend,

Donnie

P.S. Have you seen my poll numbers? They’re amazing. Big league.

P.P.S. Write again. I’m not lonely or anything, just wanna see how losers like you live.

 

You guys, we think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. We’ll check in with Donald and his Pee Pee (that’s short for “pen pal,” get your minds out of the gutter!) periodically and see how they’re getting along. In the meantime, we leave you with Donnie Boy making a toot toot on a vroom vroom like a big boy!

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Photo Credits: Big Daddy Said, Mediaite, Giphy

Let’s Make America Shady Again!

It’s been about six months since our last post. Birthing and raising an actual human being is hard work, especially when you’ve got another ankle-biter wanting attention too. Doesn’t leave much time for blogging, but luckily, with Donald Trump as president, absolutely nothing noteworthy or shocking has happened in the last six months. Well, except for:

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And also:

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And who could forget:

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And this series of awkward interactions with world leaders:

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That’s alright, though. We’re back to blogging (mostly) full time now, so none of the stupid shit our Orange Overlord does will go unremarked. That’s right, there’s no POTUS fuck-up too serious to be unaccompanied by the world’s finest pop culture GIFs and dick jokes (you hear that, impending World War III with North Korea, China, and Russia? You’re on NOTICE!). So strap in, America (or on – whatever your preference). Your premiere political gossip blog is back, and she’s shady as ever!

Photo Credits: GiphyYahoo, Washington Post, Tenor, Wonkette, SlateGiphy,