Well, That Took Long…

Remember how yesterday, we predicted that the Orange Don would fuck up the relative good will generated by his “big boy speech” (what we call an event where Donald Trump talks for more than two minutes straight without yelling a racial slur or shitting his pants)? All it took was a campaign-style rally (whatever the fuck that is) in Phoenix, Arizona, and less than 24 hours later, we have our old coked-up orangutan buddy back! We’d like to brag about being psychic:

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But honestly, it’s like predicting that water will be wet, the sky will be blue, and Bachelorette suitors will be douchey. Trump ranted and raved for over an hour, while Daddy Kelly gritted his teeth in consternation and Mike Pence polished off his “President of the United States” name plate. His supporters found out that there is such thing as a Klan rally that goes over time, gradually filing out as the Kumquat Despot ticked off his Arya-styles kill list.

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First on that kill list was the media. It didn’t take long for Trump to empty his purse on national TV. A few minutes in, the Orange Don was dry-sobbing his way through a dramatic retelling of his handling of the tragedy in Charlottesville. Of course, like all good remakes, the director took a few – shall we say, liberties – with the truth. From the Washington Post:

“Trump reached into his suit pocket and removed a different set of talking points. [….] Trump then took more than 16 minutes to read the various statements that he made about Charlottesville over several days, noting the use of all-caps for one word and skipping over the part where he said that ‘many sides’ were responsible for the violence.

[….] The crowd repeatedly booed the reporters in their midst and chanted: ‘CNN sucks! CNN sucks!’

‘So they were having a hard time with that one, because I said everything,’ Trump said, then flippantly launching into a laundry list of hate groups. ‘I hit ’em with neo-Nazi. I hit ’em with everything. I got the white supremacists, the neo-Nazi. I got them all in there. Let’s see: KKK? We have KKK. I got ’em all.’

Trump eventually wrapped up this defense by saying, in part: ‘The words were perfect.’”

Is it just us, or does Trump remind you of a used car salesman when he’s ticking off the reasons he’s the real victim of the Charlottesville violence and not the woman who was mowed down by a fucking neo-Nazi?

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Several times throughout the speech, Trump claimed that all of the networks, including CNN, turned off the cameras that were broadcasting live because they feared his “perfect words.” From Vice:

“Trump also repeatedly accused a group of cameramen from various networks — including CNN, which he called out by name — of turning off their cameras to avoid broadcasting what he had to say. CNN broadcast the entire speech live.

‘Oh that’s so funny, look back there,’ Trump said, pointing to the cameras. ‘Those cameras are going off, oh wow. Why don’t you just fold them up and take them home? Oh, those cameras are going off. Wow. That’s the one thing, they’re very nervous to have me on live television because this can’t happen. You know what, I’m a person who wants to tell the truth, I’m an honest person and what I’m saying, you know, is exactly right.’”


Excuse us for a second:

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The speech was full of bizarre moments like this. It’s a clear sign, America – to us, anyway – that Trump is ready to leave office. When you watched him take the stage, it was clear that the Apricot Asshole is kind of like a 70’s rock band that’s sick and goddamn tired of playing the same greatest hits playlist to Middle America over and over again.

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There’s no joy in this for him anymore. He wants out. We think he’s hoping that somebody like Mitch McConnell actually accomplishes a Dynasty-style hostile boardroom takeover so he can go back to trolling America from the sidelines. Unfortunately for him (and us), that’s not how democracy works. When the Orange Don finally realizes that some magical board of trustees isn’t going to come in and replace him, he’ll resign. We predict by the end of the year.

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Photo Credits: Unilad, The Gloss, Viral Thread, Imgur, Giphy, Giphy, WiffleGIF