Almost like a big boy would! Instead of marching out to the accompaniment of a fog machine and a laser show, he was played out by “Hail to the Chief.” Instead of a WWE hype man calling out the introduction to “the President of these Crunk States of ‘Murica, Presented by PepsiCoooooooooooooooooooo,” he walked out to the title of “President of the United States.” He didn’t even whip his dick out before walking up to the podium. We rate his walk-in zero out of five suplexes. Kenny Powers would be disappointed.
Then he read right from a teleprompter, LIKE A TOTAL CUCK. We had high hopes when President Camacho started off his day yesterday by looking directly into the sun during the total eclipse. There, we thought, is a man who marches to the beat of his own drum, who doesn’t take orders from fucking ANYBODY (especially you, Daddy Kelly!), who’ll do something moronic like sear his retinas just to prove he doesn’t have a vagina, right Tucker Carlson?
Surely a man who lost won a staring contest with the Earth’s only heat source wouldn’t be cowed into doing something boring or presidential like calmly reading a foreign policy speech from a teleprompter. Thankfully, though, President Camacho retained enough of his vision to both rate women on a scale of one to ten and read his address on Afghanistan to a room full of military service members. The full speech is here, and only once does the Orange Don refer to someone as a “loser” (and it’s ISIS, not somebody truly hateful like Rosie O’Donnell).
But before the Kumquat Despot could get to NOT telling us his plan for Afghanistan, he had to say, “Whoops! My bad!” for being a racist shitstain. Well, he didn’t actually say he was sorry, because only losers, Communists, and minorities apologize when they’ve done something wrong. He just emphasized that, after looking at a voting map – I mean, at his poll numbers – I mean, deep into his heart, he realizes that we are all one nation, under Gawd, despite our outward differences.
Then, he alluded to the fact that he might have Tweefed some things while under the influence of being a total dumbass that, in retrospect, he shouldn’t have. After realizing that decision-making is a lot different when a Black guy isn’t president you’re sitting in the Oval Office, Trump admitted that he no longer wants to pull out of Afghanistan, but actually wants to increase the US presence there by about 4,000 troops.
Of course, Steve Bannon via Breitbart immediately tore the Orange Don a new asshole for flip-flopping on his campaign promise to pull out of foreign entanglements. The Apricot Asshole probably looked wistfully at those articles, remembering fondly his days as a vicious troll with no real ideas or plans to improve the country. (Psst – you can still have it all, buddy! Just resign!)
Besides referring to the president of Afghanistan as the prime minister, Trump’s speech was okay! It was short on specifics, but there wasn’t anything super crazy in it. In fact, it seemed like a strangely familiar strategy (cough, W and Obama, cough). We know the Orange Don was white-knuckling his way through a presidential address that contained zero dog whistles or ad hominem attacks. If we had to guess, as soon as he waddled offstage, he screamed, “Fake news! Nazis are good people too! I like war heroes that weren’t captured! Nasty woman!” into a pillow to relieve the tension.
Some reputable people, like Washington Post’s White House Bureau Chief Philip Rucker, gave the Orange Don’s big-boy speech two thumbs up! We, on the other hand, give the whole thing zero out of five suplexes, because not once did POTUS break a folding chair across the Iron Sheik’s head. We’re sure that’ll last until a few hours from now, when the Kumquat Despot goes to a campaign rally in Phoenix. Because mark our words: you’ll see the real Donald Trump again, tonight, when he plays his greatest hits to a roomful of adoring fans.