The Curious Case of Jeff Sessions’ Charlottesville Interviews

It’s gonna be a long day, Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, III. Despite the stress, it calmed the Attorney General’s nerves to refer to himself in the third person. His name had a lot of history behind it. A callback to the halcyon days of the Confederacy and its storied leader, Jefferson Davis. That history grounded him in righteousness, and prepared him for times like these. For Jeff Sessions, Confederate soldier American patriot, was going into the lion’s den: the Today show.

Those liberal media vipers were not gonna go easy on him. His boss had already made them mad by giving up the game: he’d refused to condemn the unseemly display of white nationalism that happened in Charlottesville, Virginia over the weekend.

Of course, the President was right to condemn violence “on all sides,” Jefferson thought. People on both sides – the white nationalists and the anti-fascist protestors – were assaulting each other. It was most vulgar. Especially that unfortunate business with the car. Why couldn’t those so-called “anti-racists” simply sit on their front porch and sip on a sweet tea? Back in my day, we would never have made such a spectacle of ourselves. Jefferson smiled serenely to himself. No siree – back in my day, we never gave anyone cause to suspect that we were trying to root out the scourge of people of color. We were always so careful.

Granted, there were times, Jefferson had to admit, that he was not so careful. That time he said to a colleague in the US Attorney’s Office that he liked the KKK – until he found out they smoked weed. Jefferson chuckled softly to himself. Even though he was foolish to have admitted such in public, that fine jest still made him laugh after all these years. That little kerfuffle was a stumbling block to all the great civil rights work he’d accomplished. He’d gotten so close to convicting Black voting rights activists when he was an assistant AG in Alabama, despite evidence that they were innocent of any wrongdoing. He’d fought bravely against discriminatory legislation like the Violence Against Women Act and hate crime laws while he was a US Senator.

Now that he was THE AG, he could finally fight against the racist policies that were keeping white Americans from getting jobs as crooked cops, or gaining admission into universities. But that position was getting more tenuous by the minute. The president, though he was a great, powerful white man, had his flaws. He was terribly impatient. Things like eliminating so-called “gay rights” and banning Muslims take time. That frustration is just further compounded by all these pesky women getting in the way.

He said the word as a curse. Women. If only men could be born as women, the world could be right again. If a man were born as a woman, she’d know her place – in service to men. Women could be so emotional sometimes. Like that she-devil Coretta Scott-King. Or Sen. Kamala Harris. Or Sen. Elizabeth Warren. Those women – if you could even call them that, for such shrieking banshees were not deserving of the moniker – did everything they could to thwart our plans for making America great again. Their articulateness, their determination, their seeming lack of regard for the opinions of men – they just made Jefferson so nervous.

Best not to think of that, then. It was time for the interview. Jefferson had carefully chosen what he was going to say. It was important to make them think he was condemning the white nationalists.

Oh lord in heaven – a woman and a negro interviewing me? Jefferson took a deep breath. Calm yourself, Jefferson. They’re just trying to rattle you, is all. Say what you practiced, and it’ll all be over soon.

“…the ideology of hatred, violence, bigotry, racism, white supremacy – those things must be condemned in this country, they’re totally unacceptable,” he heard himself say.

Of course, the woman had to bring up the “on many sides” statement. No matter.

“I thought it was a good statement. The next day they explicitly called out the Nazis…”

The black man interrupts. This would never happen in the good old days. Jefferson hated when people interrupted him, especially black people. So long as he didn’t slip and call him “boy,” he’d be alright though.

“The president is appalled by this…”

Again the black boy interrupts! And he has the nerve to bring up white supremacists celebrating the president’s statement.

“They are simply attempting to legitimate themselves in any way possible. This kind of hatred just isn’t part of our heritage.”

There we go. That’ll quiet those squawking birds. Jefferson could never for the life of him understand why the country had gone so downhill as to allow a woman AND a colored address a dignitary like himself in such a manner.

The interview was over almost as soon as it began. Yet despite Jefferson’s best efforts, something troubled him. They didn’t seem like they were buying it. But he’d practiced so well! All of the platitudes had gone off without a hitch. Why did those so-called “reporters” look at him in that way?

And it was then he realized, with a start of horror…

He’d left his white hood on for the entire interview. Again.

Photo Credits: Giphy

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