President Teddy Roosevelt was a great man. He served his country with the Rough Riders, explored new territory in the Americas, and won a Nobel Peace Prize. As president, his foreign policy exemplified one of his favorite sayings: “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” President Donald J. Trump is not a great man. He is an even worse president. His foreign policy can be best summarized thusly: “Speak loudly, and carry a little dick.”
Only seven months in, Trump is an abject, miserable failure as president. We tried to warn y’all, America, but your glue sniffing habit got in the way of your ability to listen to good advice. Some people are surprised at the fact that a man who dodged the draft five times, married three times (as of press time), and declared bankruptcy six times ended up being a terrible choice to lead the country, but some people also still think John Travolta isn’t gay. Never underestimate humanity’s ability to lie to itself is all we’re saying. So here we are, in the midst of a nuclear game of chicken with North Korea. A sociopath currently has the nuclear codes, and we leave it to you, gentle reader, to determine whether we’re talking about Kim Jong-Un or Donald Trump (hint: it’s both – we’re talking about both of them).
A few short days ago, our intelligence agencies brought us the harrowing news that North Korea is now able to put nuclear warheads on top of a missile. This makes it increasingly likely that Kim Jong-Un is going to be able to make good on the last part of the phrase, “Talk shit, get hit.”
Thankfully, our level-headed commander-in-chief took a measured approach to this crisis. We’re just fucking with you – don’t you know by now that the Orange Don has never met a problem he couldn’t solve with bombastic rhetoric and Tweefing? The Kumquat Despot took time out of his busy golfing schedule to respond to this news in the worst way possible. From NBC News:
“‘North Korea best not make any more threats to the United States,’ the president warned, responding to a reporter’s question at his Bedminster Golf Club, where Trump has spent the last several days. ‘They will be met with fire, fury, and frankly power the likes of which this world has never seen before.’”
If we weren’t so lazy, we would compile a list of quotes from Scarface and the president and dare people to tell us the difference. Seriously, you guys, does this not sound like Al Pacino with a shitty New York accent in place of a shitty Cuban one?
This dick-swinging took Trump’s Cabinet by surprise, though we don’t know why they don’t just expect their boss to do the most moronic thing possible at any given time. Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and Defense Secretary James Mattis both tried to downplay that Trump basically promised to nuke North Korea for verbal threats alone. Of course, our Apricot Overlord wasn’t having any of that shit. From CNBC:
“‘If anything, maybe that statement wasn’t tough enough,’ he told reporters at his New Jersey golf club. [….] North Korea’s state media responded by saying the country was considering a plan to attack the U.S. territory of Guam. [….] ‘Let’s see what [Kim Jong-Un] does with Guam. If he does something in Guam, it will be an event the likes of which nobody’s seen before, what will happen in North Korea,’ Trump told reporters Thursday. He added that his comments on Guam were not a ‘dare,’ just a ‘statement of fact.’”
After seven months of whatever it is you want to call this presidency, we’ve learned one thing: tell Trump not to do something, and he’ll do the opposite just to spite you. The surest way to end this crisis is to have the LAMESTREAM MEDIA write an op-ed in which they say the following: “President Trump is far too much of a pussy to solve this détente with North Korea through diplomatic means. We highly recommend the nuclear option.” This shit would be over TOMORROW if WaPo ran that article.
Sadly, we all know how this ends. There is no amount of self-delusion that can conceal the fact that Donald J. Trump is one vain motherfucker. The superficial is pretty much the only thing that matters with him, which is why things like crowd size and poll numbers take up so much of Trump’s mental energy. Advancing policy is the absolute last thing this dickhead cares about. No, it’s much more important that everyone knows he has a huge dick than it is for him to decide on a cohesive strategy for the war in Afghanistan.
The end game for him is not to come to a reasonable, peaceful conclusion that will result in as little loss of life as possible. No, the end game for the Orange Don is to appear to be powerful. That’s it. Just like his beautiful chocolate cake conversation with Xi Jinping, Trump just wants everyone to know he’s a big shot. In that scenario, it was important to him that the president of China knew that he had the authority to call in an airstrike. The fact that he didn’t even seem to know which country he bombed was of very little consequence to him.
The same holds true for North Korea. Trump doesn’t care that millions of people may die if the conflict escalates to full-out nuclear war. His only worry is that he looks like the military strongman he sees in his favorite movies. Every other concern is secondary. If Trump could just live out his life like he were the protagonist in his favorite WWE storyline, he would be content.
Just look at the way he “reassured” the governor of Guam after North Korea threatened a nuclear strike. From Newsweek:
“Republican governor Eddie Baza Calvo posted a recording of the conversation [he had with President Trump] on his Facebook page on Friday. [….] ‘Don’t worry about a thing,’ President Trump responded. “They should have had me eight years ago…I have to say, Eddie, you’re going to become extremely famous. All over the world they’re talking about Guam and they’re talking about you. And your tourism, I can say this, your tourism is going to go up like tenfold with the expenditure of no money, so I congratulate you,’ Trump can be heard saying over the phone.”
In Trump’s mind, Governor Calvo shouldn’t be worried about the possibility of a nuclear strike, but about his fame quotient. Trump didn’t call to reassure him that Guam would be safe from North Korea’s bomb threats – he called him to assuage
Governor Calvo’s Trump’s fears that the island would remain a popular tourist destination. Because in Trump’s world, the house could be going up in flames – so long as the ashes have Trump’s gold-plated logo on them.
All we’re saying, America, is that you should practice your duck and cover a few more times.