Nothing Like A Good, Old-Fashioned Natural Disaster To Help You With A News Dump

And no, we’re not talking about the Orange Don’s daily (judging by his Twitter feed) KFC dumps. Rather, we’re talking about all of the news about the Trump Administration that would make 75% of the country cringe in horror. You see, when most people hear that something awful like a Category 4 hurricane is about to make a direct hit on Texas, they feel #Sad! President Donald J. Trump, however, is not most people. The Kumquat Despot felt happy, and maybe a little turned on? We’ll let his Tweefs do the talking.

“Wonderful coordination between Federal, State and Local Governments in the Great State of Texas – TEAMWORK! Record setting rainfall.”

“Many people are now saying that this is the worst storm/hurricane they have ever seen. Good news is that we have great talent on the ground.”

“Wow – Now experts are calling a once in 500 year flood! We have an all out effort going, and going well!”

“Going to a Cabinet Meeting (tele-conference) at 11:00 A.M. on . Even experts have said they’ve never seen one like this!”

The way he erotically describes the size and scope of Hurricane Harvey is just a teeny bit off-putting. Trump talks about this storm like he birthed it from his quivering, orange loins. “Check this, America! I made this storm! No storm has flooded more homes, killed more people, or displaced more minorities than mine!”

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We suspect his attitude of “not un-proud” ownership will change as soon as people realize he was even more unprepared than George W. Bush was for Katrina. How unprepared, you ask? Well, FEMA’s parent agency, the Department of Homeland Security, hasn’t had a permanent director for almost a month now. The Orange Don took Daddy Kelly from DHS so he could torment him replace his shitcanned chief of staff, Rinse Pubis, and still hasn’t replaced him. He only appointed the FEMA director in June, almost six months after he took office.

We don’t blame him, though. Can’t have pesky things like running the country interfere with important work like golfing and Tweefing, can we?

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Harvey provided Trump with more than just pride, though. The loss of a few million Texans is our Orange Overlord’s gain. There were a couple of, shall we say, unpopular news items that the Orange Don decided to release the same day Harvey made landfall.

First up, Trump finally followed through on his promise to reinstate the ban on transgender people serving in the military. The directive also prohibited the US military from funding transition surgery for trans individuals currently serving. He left the question of whether transgender people could continue serving up to his generals (hint: they’ve already studied the issue, and they’re fine with it). This order is unpopular, but don’t take our word for it. Even his Interior Secretary’s daughter couldn’t resist the chance to burn the coked-up orangutan over his bullshit directive. From the Missoulian:

“The daughter of Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, like her father a Navy veteran, appears, in the rawest of terms, to have excoriated President Donald Trump in a social media post after the announcement that transgender soldiers would be banned from the military.

‘This man is a disgrace. I’ve tried to keep politics out of my social media feed as much as possible, but this is inexcusable. [….] This veteran says sit down and shut the fuck up, you know-nothing, never-served piece of shit.’ She also used a hashtag, #itmfa, that is an acronym for ‘impeach the motherfucker already.’”

 

We have only one thing to say to the beautiful, no-fucks-given daughter of Ryan Zinke:

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Next, the Orange Don decided to give some love to ex-Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio. Sheriff Joe is the Himmler to Trump’s Hitler. He’s the guy who fondly referred to the “tent city” he’d constructed for prison inmates as a “concentration camp.” Of course he immediately denied it like the pussy he is, despite the fact that he was caught saying this on fucking video.

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Sheriff Joe has done so many shitty things, we don’t have time to name them all here. A few of our favorites, though, are:

The time he framed an 18-year-old for a phony bomb plot.

The time he allowed Steven Seagal to drive a fucking tank through a guy’s house to serve a misdemeanor cockfighting warrant. Self-described “animal lover” Seagal then helped deputies euthanize over 100 roosters on the spot.

The time he arrested two reporters for the Phoenix New Times the same day they published an unflattering article about this paragon of justice.

After $142 million in lawyer’s fees and settlements and a federal contempt conviction for failing to stop racially profiling people, naturally the Orange Don felt a twinge of sympathy for his soul sister in corruption and pardoned one of the most racist, corrupt men in America. Look on the bright side, though, America! Consider this practice for when Trump has to pardon himself. Finally, something the President will be prepared for.

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Giphy, Buzzfeed, Reaction GIFs

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Well, That Took Long…

Remember how yesterday, we predicted that the Orange Don would fuck up the relative good will generated by his “big boy speech” (what we call an event where Donald Trump talks for more than two minutes straight without yelling a racial slur or shitting his pants)? All it took was a campaign-style rally (whatever the fuck that is) in Phoenix, Arizona, and less than 24 hours later, we have our old coked-up orangutan buddy back! We’d like to brag about being psychic:

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But honestly, it’s like predicting that water will be wet, the sky will be blue, and Bachelorette suitors will be douchey. Trump ranted and raved for over an hour, while Daddy Kelly gritted his teeth in consternation and Mike Pence polished off his “President of the United States” name plate. His supporters found out that there is such thing as a Klan rally that goes over time, gradually filing out as the Kumquat Despot ticked off his Arya-styles kill list.

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First on that kill list was the media. It didn’t take long for Trump to empty his purse on national TV. A few minutes in, the Orange Don was dry-sobbing his way through a dramatic retelling of his handling of the tragedy in Charlottesville. Of course, like all good remakes, the director took a few – shall we say, liberties – with the truth. From the Washington Post:

“Trump reached into his suit pocket and removed a different set of talking points. [….] Trump then took more than 16 minutes to read the various statements that he made about Charlottesville over several days, noting the use of all-caps for one word and skipping over the part where he said that ‘many sides’ were responsible for the violence.

[….] The crowd repeatedly booed the reporters in their midst and chanted: ‘CNN sucks! CNN sucks!’

‘So they were having a hard time with that one, because I said everything,’ Trump said, then flippantly launching into a laundry list of hate groups. ‘I hit ’em with neo-Nazi. I hit ’em with everything. I got the white supremacists, the neo-Nazi. I got them all in there. Let’s see: KKK? We have KKK. I got ’em all.’

Trump eventually wrapped up this defense by saying, in part: ‘The words were perfect.’”

Is it just us, or does Trump remind you of a used car salesman when he’s ticking off the reasons he’s the real victim of the Charlottesville violence and not the woman who was mowed down by a fucking neo-Nazi?

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Several times throughout the speech, Trump claimed that all of the networks, including CNN, turned off the cameras that were broadcasting live because they feared his “perfect words.” From Vice:

“Trump also repeatedly accused a group of cameramen from various networks — including CNN, which he called out by name — of turning off their cameras to avoid broadcasting what he had to say. CNN broadcast the entire speech live.

‘Oh that’s so funny, look back there,’ Trump said, pointing to the cameras. ‘Those cameras are going off, oh wow. Why don’t you just fold them up and take them home? Oh, those cameras are going off. Wow. That’s the one thing, they’re very nervous to have me on live television because this can’t happen. You know what, I’m a person who wants to tell the truth, I’m an honest person and what I’m saying, you know, is exactly right.’”

 

Excuse us for a second:

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The speech was full of bizarre moments like this. It’s a clear sign, America – to us, anyway – that Trump is ready to leave office. When you watched him take the stage, it was clear that the Apricot Asshole is kind of like a 70’s rock band that’s sick and goddamn tired of playing the same greatest hits playlist to Middle America over and over again.

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There’s no joy in this for him anymore. He wants out. We think he’s hoping that somebody like Mitch McConnell actually accomplishes a Dynasty-style hostile boardroom takeover so he can go back to trolling America from the sidelines. Unfortunately for him (and us), that’s not how democracy works. When the Orange Don finally realizes that some magical board of trustees isn’t going to come in and replace him, he’ll resign. We predict by the end of the year.

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Photo Credits: Unilad, The Gloss, Viral Thread, Imgur, Giphy, Giphy, WiffleGIF

Donald Trump Gave a Speech on Afghanistan Without Any Uh-Ohs

Almost like a big boy would! Instead of marching out to the accompaniment of a fog machine and a laser show, he was played out by “Hail to the Chief.” Instead of a WWE hype man calling out the introduction to “the President of these Crunk States of ‘Murica, Presented by PepsiCoooooooooooooooooooo,” he walked out to the title of “President of the United States.” He didn’t even whip his dick out before walking up to the podium. We rate his walk-in zero out of five suplexes. Kenny Powers would be disappointed.

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Then he read right from a teleprompter, LIKE A TOTAL CUCK. We had high hopes when President Camacho started off his day yesterday by looking directly into the sun during the total eclipse. There, we thought, is a man who marches to the beat of his own drum, who doesn’t take orders from fucking ANYBODY (especially you, Daddy Kelly!), who’ll do something moronic like sear his retinas just to prove he doesn’t have a vagina, right Tucker Carlson?

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Surely a man who lost won a staring contest with the Earth’s only heat source wouldn’t be cowed into doing something boring or presidential like calmly reading a foreign policy speech from a teleprompter. Thankfully, though, President Camacho retained enough of his vision to both rate women on a scale of one to ten and read his address on Afghanistan to a room full of military service members. The full speech is here, and only once does the Orange Don refer to someone as a “loser” (and it’s ISIS, not somebody truly hateful like Rosie O’Donnell).

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But before the Kumquat Despot could get to NOT telling us his plan for Afghanistan, he had to say, “Whoops! My bad!” for being a racist shitstain. Well, he didn’t actually say he was sorry, because only losers, Communists, and minorities apologize when they’ve done something wrong. He just emphasized that, after looking at a voting map – I mean, at his poll numbers – I mean, deep into his heart, he realizes that we are all one nation, under Gawd, despite our outward differences.

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Then, he alluded to the fact that he might have Tweefed some things while under the influence of being a total dumbass that, in retrospect, he shouldn’t have. After realizing that decision-making is a lot different when a Black guy isn’t president you’re sitting in the Oval Office, Trump admitted that he no longer wants to pull out of Afghanistan, but actually wants to increase the US presence there by about 4,000 troops.

Of course, Steve Bannon via Breitbart immediately tore the Orange Don a new asshole for flip-flopping on his campaign promise to pull out of foreign entanglements. The Apricot Asshole probably looked wistfully at those articles, remembering fondly his days as a vicious troll with no real ideas or plans to improve the country. (Psst – you can still have it all, buddy! Just resign!)

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Besides referring to the president of Afghanistan as the prime minister, Trump’s speech was okay! It was short on specifics, but there wasn’t anything super crazy in it. In fact, it seemed like a strangely familiar strategy (cough, W and Obama, cough). We know the Orange Don was white-knuckling his way through a presidential address that contained zero dog whistles or ad hominem attacks. If we had to guess, as soon as he waddled offstage, he screamed, “Fake news! Nazis are good people too! I like war heroes that weren’t captured! Nasty woman!” into a pillow to relieve the tension.

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Some reputable people, like Washington Post’s White House Bureau Chief Philip Rucker, gave the Orange Don’s big-boy speech two thumbs up! We, on the other hand, give the whole thing zero out of five suplexes, because not once did POTUS break a folding chair across the Iron Sheik’s head. We’re sure that’ll last until a few hours from now, when the Kumquat Despot goes to a campaign rally in Phoenix. Because mark our words: you’ll see the real Donald Trump again, tonight, when he plays his greatest hits to a roomful of adoring fans.

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Photo Credits: Buzzfeed, Giphy, Giphy, Medium, Giphy, Encyclopedia Dramatica, Tumblr, Sticker Market

We’ve Almost Destroyed Almost All of The Orange Don’s Horcruxes

The last horcrux is in you, the American voter. Actually the last one is in his tragic weave, but the next to last one is in you, America. We’re always a close second to the Orange Don. If we had to guess, Steve Bannon was Trump’s Nagini. The Kumquat Despot always kept him close, and they always whispered bigoted shit to each other in parseltongue.

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After years months of pressure, the Apricot Asshole finally got rid of his favorite advisor, though they’ll always have Klan rallies to remember each other by. Once the tragedy at Charlottesville happened, it was only a matter of time before Stephen K. Bannon finally metamorphosed into a racist, gin-soaked ashtray, better known as the executive chairman of Breitbart. Trump even congratulated Bannon on going back to his job at Breitbart – wait, what is that you say? He never left? From Forbes:

“Kurt Bardella, Breitbart’s media consultant from September 2013 through March 2016, says that Breitbart’s insistence that the website has no ties to Bannon is ‘a lie,’ pointing to the reports that Bannon was involved in a Breitbart story criticizing Reince Priebus back in February. [….] ‘Bannon was the primary driver of anything touching on the political space and that hasn’t changed just because he isn’t there anymore,’ Bardella told FORBES.”

Bannon himself seems to be pretty excited that he can now suck his own cock openly operate his hate-filled propaganda machine for as long as his bloated liver and pancreas allow him to live. From the Chicago Tribune:

 

“In an interview with the Weekly Standard, Bannon says he feels ‘jacked up.’

‘Now I’m free,’ he said, ‘I’ve got my hands back on my weapons. Someone said it’s Bannon the Barbarian. I am definitely going to crush the opposition.’”

 

If you’re wondering why Bannon is talking like a WWE hype man, it’s because 1) he is, 2) he’s also an asshole, and 3) he’s not actually giving a quote to the media, but talking to a bottle of bourbon.

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So yeah, “Bannon the Barf-barian” is on the loose, y’all. What’s it going to be like, though? Well from the sound of it, the Barf-barian is not too happy with how he left the White House. Although he tried to tell his bros that he submitted his resignation a week before, we all know that’s bullshit because of how his fellow Neo Nazis friends in the “media” reacted to the news.

Breitbart says they are going to “war” with the Trump White House. Bannon himself even declared that the Trump presidency is “over.” He said he “always planned on [staying] a year,” which tells you he didn’t exactly accomplish his mission considering he was shitcanned after SEVEN MONTHS. Basically, Miss Bannon has gone full Mariah on Donald Trump:

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And we really can’t be surprised, because none of the assholes in the Trump Administration have an agenda besides pissing off liberals. All of these people – Flynn, Scaramucci, Bannon – are out for themselves. Even if it means the death of whatever crazy-ass misogynist, white supremacist agenda they have, nothing will stop these dirtbags from cutting off their nose to spite their face. It really would be in the Barf-barian’s best interest to support Trump and his cronies in every way possible. But he’s not gonna do that, because unless there’s crosses burning in the White House rose garden, they’re not ideologically “pure” enough for the Barf-barian. And to that, we say:

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Photo Credits: Giphy, Buzzfeed, Giphy, Giphy, Style Caster, Know Your Meme

Trump and Nazis Sittin’ In a Tree…

Acting in complicity! You know the words, America! So yeah, shit got real over the last few days, didn’t it? The Orange Don, tired of the subtlety of dog whistles and coded racism, went all-in and straight-up defended white supremacists. It’s kind of a refreshing return to his roots, since a recently-unearthed 1990 interview with Vanity Fair shows that all the jokes about this Cheeto-encrusted sack of shit keeping a copy of Mein Kampf in his bedside table wasn’t too far off the mark.

“Ivana Trump told her lawyer Michael Kennedy that from time to time her husband reads a book of Hitler’s collected speeches, ‘My New Order,’ which he keeps in a cabinet by his bed.

‘Did your cousin John give you the Hitler speeches?’ I asked Trump.

[….] ‘Actually, it was my friend Marty Davis from Paramount who gave me a copy of Mein Kampf, and he’s a Jew.’ (‘I did give him a book about Hitler,’ Marty Davis said. ‘But it was My New Order, Hitler’s speeches, not Mein Kampf. I thought he would find it interesting. I am his friend, but I’m not Jewish.’)

Later, Trump returned to this subject. ‘If I had these speeches, and I am not saying that I do, I would never read them.’”

 

Considering that his dad was ALLEGEDLY arrested for rioting with the KKK, we’d say maybe the apple doesn’t fall too far from the white supremacist tree.

As we’ve all heard by now, there were two white supremacist rallies in Charlottesville, Virginia this weekend. The second one took a tragic turn when Heather Heyer, a counter-protestor, was mowed down by a Nazi in his car. I call him a Nazi because here he is with his fuckhead Nazi buddies (center):

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The ostensible purpose of these “Unite the Right” rallies was to protest the removal of a statue of Confederate general Robert E. Lee. Strangely, though, the way these assholes chose to protest said removal of said statue was to shout slogans, hold up signs, and give speeches that had absolutely no mention of Robert E. Lee or his memorial. Here’s what some of these idiots, who were chanting “blood and soil” (a charming throwback to Nazi Germany) looked like:

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If you were a normal person who wanted to protest the removal of a statue, and you saw these fuckwit fascists when you arrived at the demonstration, you turned right back around and got as far away as possible. If you were a white supremacist, you stayed. Call it woman’s intuition. There’s just something about a swastika that sends nice, decent folk running in the other direction.

Unless, of course, you’re the Kumquat Despot. After Steve Bannon likely whispered sweet nothings in his ear, he decided that lots of super cool, nice people were on the white supremacist side. And because he has absolutely no self-control, he decided to let the entire fucking world know that. Right before the signing of an executive order, the Orange Don let his freak flag fly on the Charlottesville crisis. From ABC News:

“‘We condemn in the strongest possible terms this egregious display of hatred, bigotry and violence on many sides,’ Trump said Saturday from his golf resort in Bedminster, New Jersey. Looking directly at the camera, he repeated, ‘On many sides.’”

He then promptly left the stage before signing the executive order, and not for the first time, either.

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The very next day, Trump walked it back. But you just can’t keep a good racist down, because the very next day, he let us all know that scripted statement condemning racism was #FakeNews. At a presser in Trump Tower, the Orange Don went off script again in the most fucktastic display we’ve ever seen. From CNBC:

“You have some very bad people in that group, but you also had people that were very fine people on both sides. [….] You had people in that group that were there to protest the taking down of, to them, a very, very important statue and the renaming of a park from Robert E. Lee to another name. [….] So, you know what? It’s fine. You’re changing history. You’re changing culture and you had people, and I’m not talking about the neo-Nazis and the white nationalists because they should be condemned, totally. But you had many people in that group other than neo-Nazis and white nationalists, OK? And the press has treated them absolutely unfairly.”

Yup, some fine people. Like Richard Spencer, Baked Alaska, and this super-cool racist named Jason Kessler, who spoke at the event.

“No. No. There were people in that rally — and I looked the night before. If you look, there were people protesting very quietly the taking down of the statue of Robert E. Lee. I’m sure in that group there were some bad ones.”

Let’s look at the night before!

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Aw, polo-wearing bros who shop at Pier One couldn’t possibly be bad! Wait, what? They were chanting “blood and soil” and “Jews will not replace us”? Never mind, fuck them.

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For anyone who does not think what Donald Trump said yesterday was a clarion call to white supremacists (and unfortunately, there are quite a few people who fall into this camp), think back to the days of the Civil Rights Movement. These are the exact same kinds of arguments used by segregationists to decry civil rights activists. Were there people in the Civil Rights Movement who were violent? Of course! You don’t suffer under institutionalized racism your entire life without getting just a little pissed off. But make no mistake, America – the only reason to bring up the “both sides” argument is to equivocate white nationalists with those who fight for equality. We’ve seen it before – let’s not let history repeat itself.

Photo Credits: Huffington Post, NY Daily News, Los Angeles Daily News, Jewish Telegraphic Agency, The Independent, ABC News, Giphy, Outside the Beltway, The Gem Diva, Giphy