A GossiPol Primer: The Truth About The Women’s March

The day after the inauguration of our Orange Overlord (a day that he decided to proclaim the “National Day of Patriotic Devotion,” since nobody really paid attention to his swearing-in the first time around), almost five million men and women all over the world demonstrated peacefully in defense of women’s rights.

This peaceful demonstration that Republicans are always asking for didn’t sit so well with them for some reason. A lot of Trump voters are #Triggered that people are democratically asserting their rights. Noted men’s rights activist Piers Morgan, Republican legislators, and of course the Orange Don himself are all super-upset that a bunch of chicks gathered in large numbers and nobody got either a golden shower or a hot dinner by the end of it.

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In honor of Kellyanne Conway’s crusade for #AlternativeFacts, we here at GossiPol have decided to answer some commonly asked questions and concerns some conservatives have about the Women’s Marches that occurred over the weekend.

Don’t you chicks have anything better to do than complain? Trump won. Get over it.

As a matter of fact, we don’t have anything better to do. After his first day in office, President Camacho solved everyone’s problems, as promised. That left us with a yuge time vacuum we filled the only way we knew how – by complaining about shit with our girlfriends.

I heard men weren’t allowed. Why do you feminazis hate men so much?

Men weren’t allowed because as feminists, we are required by law to hate them. It’s probably some sort of pathological penis envy we haven’t resolved because we all have daddy issues. The Feminist Dyke Code (2nd Edition) technically mandates that I’m not allowed to tell you that. We cover it up by kidnapping unsuspecting dudes while they’re watching their favorite sports event and forcing them to march with us. They’re kind of like your token Black friend. Just look at these miserable bastards who were forced at gunpoint practically to march in solidarity with women.

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Image result for men women's march

Image result for men women's march

I know everyone who actually marched tells me that it was peaceful, but I’m suspicious. You babes were really just rioting, weren’t you? The liberal media covers it up, but I’m onto them too.

Don’t know why you guys are so suspicious that the millions of women who attended are telling falsehoods about their experiences there. Perhaps it’s time I come clean and tell you what REALLY happened at the Women’s Marches. The overriding cause of our march was to sacrifice as many children as possible to our dark lord and savior Hillary Clinton. The orgiastic blood ritual lasted about three hours, which was about the time when we ran out of children to sacrifice to our cruel goddess. Our plan is to organize future marches, inviting men to come along. They will be summarily executed when the march begins. We will repeat this process until we have eliminated men from the face of the earth. Finally, we’ll be free to do what all feminazis love more than anything: to scissor babies into each other’s uteruses and abort them right before they reach term. We haven’t sorted out how we’ll get pregnant, but we’re confident that with enough pussy hats, we’ll be able to solve that problem by the time we’ve cleansed the globe. In fact, we’ve uncovered heretofore unseen pictures of the unspeakable carnage that occurred at Women’s Marches around the world.

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You ladies have it pretty good in America. What about women suffering around the world? How can you complain about your rights when women in third world countries have it way worse?

Ah, the old reliable Sean Hannity straw man argument: if someone has it worse than you, don’t complain! You can’t possibly care about two things at once. The human mind is too fragile and simply won’t allow it. Of course, the Women’s Marches on Saturday completely ignored the rights of women in other countries, because liberal chicks only care about themselves. Just look at the women in places like Iraq and Kenya who didn’t even get to march and felt marginalized by American feminists.

Women’s march in Erbil, Iraq. (Twitter)

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We hope this GossiPol primer has been informative – especially for you, Donald.

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Photo Credits: GiphyNot News Enough, GQ, Quartz, Redbook, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, News.au, Yahoo, Albawaba, Jamhuri News, Giphy


2 thoughts on “A GossiPol Primer: The Truth About The Women’s March

  1. “As a matter of fact, we don’t have anything better to do” Well said! I have absolutely nothing better to do than defend my basic human rights. Thank you for sharing.


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