Bigger inauguration, that is. Why, what’d you think we meant?
Oh America, get your mind out of the gutter. This is President Donald J. Trump we’re talking about. Penis size is always the furthest thing from his mind.
Remember when we talked about our Orange Overlord’s inauguration? We were counting down the days hours until the coked-up orangutan who holds our nuclear codes had a bitch-fit over how small his crowd was compared to Obama’s 2009 inauguration. Well, the Orange Don is totally presidential, you guys, because he restrained himself for 12 hours before throwing a tantrum at the CIA Memorial of all fucking places. From Salon:
“He defensively touted the crowd size for his swearing-in ceremony, wrongly claiming that the throngs on the National Mall stretched ‘all the way back to the Washington Monument.’ Photos and video clearly showed the crowd stopping well short of the landmark. [….] During his remarks at the CIA, the president claimed the inaugural crowds topped 1 million people, offering no evidence.”
Then – perhaps because talk of how small he was compared to Obama made his delicate, Lilliputian fingers tingle – the Orange Don solidified his bad judgment with a Tweef:
Yes, idiot, when you visit their workplace, your employees will line up to hear you speak. It’ll be a “packed house” of CIA agents. None of them are going to bruise your fragile ego by telling you what a shitty president you are. They’ll give you “long standing ovations,” because YOU SIGN THEIR PAYCHECK. There is no other reason for them to waste valuable work time by listening to you wax poetic about how you’re such a big man because you got more Time Magazine covers than Tom Brady.
Just in case there’s in any doubt left in your mind, America, about how hot and bothered Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle was over the inauguration crowds, there’s also the matter of that impromptu press conference delivered by fuckboy White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. He’s seen here looking like a fat guy swallowed Saul Goodman and is wearing his skin until he can find a more suitable host.
Y’all don’t fuck with the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s brand of Better Call Saul, because she is not the one, OK? Miss Spicer channeled Hillary Clinton and became one nasty woman when the press dared to report the very real facts about Trump’s micropenis tiny inaugural crowd size. The full video is here, but here are the choicest quotes for those of you who don’t want to hear Spicer dry sob his way through a shit-fit.
“Photographs of the inaugural proceedings were intentionally framed in a way, in one particular tweet, to minimize the enormous support that had gathered on the National Mall. [….] Inaccurate numbers involving crowd size were also tweeted. No one had numbers, because the National Park Service, which controls the National Mall, does not put any out. By the way, this applies to any attempts to try to count the number of protestors today in the same fashion. [….] This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration – period – both in person and around the globe.”
Jesus Christ, dude, pull yourself together! Your Cheeto-encrusted boss has only been in office two days, and already you feel the need to empty your purse in front of everyone and their brother because of the crowd size? What’s going to happen when there’s an actual crisis? Are you going to demand a public flogging of every reporter at Buzzfeed? Seriously, if you don’t chill, you’re going to have an anyeurism before week two. We know it sucks when even women beat you in a size-measuring contest, but try to salvage what’s left of your dignity. Also, try not to follow up “we can’t count the numbers” with the obvious lie “this was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration.” It’s a bad look.
Before we sign off on this post, America, pay attention to the ominous words at the end of Spicer’s speech: that the CIA agents who supposedly gave him a five-minute-long standing ovation were “displaying their patriotism.” Remember that for the next four years: that criticism is akin to betrayal, and love of our Great Orange Leader is the only true way to show your patriotism. We hope that, despite electing the Kumquat Despot into office, you reject this premise before he is impeached finishes his term in office.