Only the best for our new Supreme Orange Leader. Today, the majority of the voters Electoral College spoke, and we watched a reality star, WWE superstar, and beauty pageant owner put his tiny, tea-pouring hands on the Bible and take the sacred oath of office that would give him our nuclear codes. We thought the inauguration of Donald J. Trump would look a little more like this:
But instead it was a rather low-key, classy affair. We in no way blame the Orange Don for this – we know if he had it his way, it would’ve been a goddamn spectacle. From the Huffington Post:
“During the preparation for Friday’s transfer-of-power, a member of Trump’s transition team floated the idea of including tanks and missile launchers in the inaugural parade, a source involved in inaugural planning told The Huffington Post. ‘They were legit thinking Red Square/North Korea-style parade,’ the source said, referring to massive military parades in Moscow and Pyongyang, typically seen as an aggressive display of muscle-flexing. The military, which traditionally works closely with the presidential inaugural committee, shot down the request, the source said.”
Aw, it’s no fair, you guys! How come Mao Zedong and Kim Jong-Un get missile launchers in their parades and the Orange Don doesn’t? Maybe our military just doesn’t want him to be as respected. Or maybe they’re a bunch of boner-killers because they were raised in a democracy. Who knows? All we know is, we were deprived of the Fuhrer President loving the smell of napalm in the morning, and that hurts our hearts.
We suppose we’ll have to wait until he systematically dismantles our representative democracy from the inside before we’re treated to that visual. Despite being cheated out of a dictatorial military parade, millions of adoring fans crowded together to watch Trump get sworn in. Wait, that’s not quite right – hundreds of thousands of people had spacious accommodations at the National Mall. Of course, that’s a normal number, right? Just compare the attendance in 2008 at Obama’s inaugural address.
OK, so maybe there were a lot less people who wanted to watch an orange-tinted sociopath take the nation’s most important office. But size doesn’t really matter, does it?
Sorry Donald. We suppose you’re right. Obama’s was bigger and that’s all that matters. Anyway, those in attendance got to see their Orange Overlord give a shout-out to his favorite anti-Semite, Charles Lindbergh ,after he was sworn in as Commander in Chief. His whole speech is here if you’re interested, complete with NPR’s shady annotations.
There were plenty of laughable moments, including the part where he insisted that our military is “depleted” while our educational system is “flush with cash” (teachers – we didn’t know y’all were rolling in the dough, you hide it so well). But the worst moment had to be this:
“From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first — America first.”
For those of you unfamiliar with the origin of this phrase, “America First” was the name of an isolationist Committee started in 1940 at Yale University. Charles Lindbergh was one of its biggest cheerleaders. Their primary goal was to stay out of WWII. I mean yes, the Nazis were evil and killing Jews by the millions, but according to Lindbergh, they kind of deserved it because they spread fake news.
“Instead of agitating for war the Jewish groups in this country should be opposing it in every possible way, for they will be among the first to feel its consequences. Tolerance is a virtue that depends upon peace and strength. History shows that it cannot survive war and devastation. A few farsighted Jewish people realize this and stand opposed to intervention. But the majority still do not. Their greatest danger to this country lies in their large ownership and influence in our motion pictures, our press, our radio, and our government.”
That movement kinda lost steam after a little thing called Pearl Harbor. But the Orange Don doesn’t want this bright idea to be lost to the annals of history. People have been trying to tell his ass about the sordid history of that phrase, but of course he doesn’t want to listen. Maybe that particular dog whistle is intentional, then? This is what happens when you put Steve Bannon in the White House.
As Jezebel pointed out, Trump should’ve stuck with plagiarizing Bane from the Batman movies. Those parts seemed a little more inclusive, since they emphasized that our Orange Overlord is actually giving America back to the people. We’ll have to wait to take ownership, though, since it’s on permanent loan to Trump’s Cabinet of millionaires and billionaires.