The First Week of Cabinet Confirmation Hearings Went Swimmingly

Of course, you guys know we’re being sarcastic, right? If you come to our site enough, you should have a trained ear for that sort of shit by now.

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So yeah, it’s hard to imagine why the Orange Don’s millionaires and billionaires with about fuck all experience in politics amongst them are not doing so hot under the bright lights of the Senate confirmation hearings. We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get right to it.

First up is our favorite, Dr. Ben Carson, Trump’s nominee to head up Housing and Urban Development, for reasons we can only assume are inherently racist (“Who do I know that’s Black that can be in charge of all those disgusting and un-classy structures that ruined my property values?” Trump probably asked his advisors as he furiously Tweefed the wrong Ivanka at 3 in the morning).

We are pleased to announce that Dr. Carson didn’t waver from his daily regimen of what we can only guess are booze and quaaludes just to attend some piss-ant confirmation hearing. He was in rare form as he sleep-talked his way through a series of questions on his lack of qualifications for his job. At one point, he appeared to forget where he was and slurred out to Sen. Sherrod Brown, “You remind me of Columbo.”

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The best, though, was when he got either a little too drunk or a little too honest (or maybe both!) in answering a question from Sen. Elizabeth Warren about whether he would prevent HUD dollars from landing in the Trump family’s pockets. From the Washington Post:

“’It will not be my intention to do anything that will benefit any American,’ Carson said. ‘It’s for all Americans.’”

So yeah, he’s totally getting nominated, you guys. Everybody else in the department will do all the work while they distract their boss with a Slinky. He’ll be so distracted playing with it, giggling to himself on the floor of his office eight hours a day while everyone under him does the important work of housing underprivileged Americans. This is honestly the best-case scenario for a Trump Cabinet pick.

Next up, we have genteel Southern lady, Sen. Jeff Sessions. He stands out among his colleagues for having political experience and not being a millionaire or billionaire (that we know of – we’re too lazy to look that shit up). He blends right in with Trump’s other picks in being utterly unqualified for the job. Trump’s pick for Attorney General has a law degree – it’s just all the subtle racism that’s the problem.

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The best/worst part of his confirmation hearing was when he straight-up said you don’t know shit from shinola if you’re too “secular.” From Slate:

“’And a secular person has just as good a claim to understanding the truth as a person who is religious, correct?’ [Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse asked]. At which point Sessions responded, ‘Well, I’m not sure.’”

This is actually one of the less offensive things Ms. Gen. Beauregard Robert E. Lee Foghorn Leghorn, III has said. From insisting “good people don’t smoke marijuana,” to “I was okay with the KKK until I learned they smoked marijuana,” to “no one [from the Dominican Republic has] a provable skill,” our boy Jeff is going to fit right in when the Senate that found him too racist to serve as a federal judge allows him to become one of our worst AG’s ever.

Finally, we have Putin’s Trump’s pick for Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. He spent more than eight hours in his confirmation hearing. It’s surprising things took that long considering he answered almost zero questions about his foreign policy outlook. When Sen. Marco Rubio asked him whether he supported Trump, Jr.’s – I mean Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte’s bloody drug war – Tillerson didn’t want to answer, saying he didn’t have all the information. To which Rubio responded (paraphrasing): “Bitch, I got it from the LA Times.”

He was equally reticent about his former company ExxonMobil’s lobbying against climate change. When Sen. Tim Kaine challenged him on the issue, it was the old man bitch fight everyone was hoping for. From the Washington Post:

“At one point, Tillerson had a testy exchange with Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va.), the former vice presidential candidate, about whether ExxonMobil had for decades concealed from investors and the public what it knew about the science of climate change — going as far as paying outside groups, Kaine said, to raise doubts about the growing scientific consensus around the problem.

‘I’m in no position to speak’ on behalf of company executives, Tillerson said, dodging the senator’s questions about the company where he worked for 40 years. ‘You would have to speak to them.’

Kaine continued to press Tillerson about his knowledge of ExxonMobil’s history on climate change. Tillerson continued to refer him to the company he led until recently.

At one point, Kaine asked, ‘Do you lack the knowledge to answer my question, or are you refusing to do so?’

‘A little of both,’ Tillerson responded.”

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What our likely future Secretary of State is telling us, America, is that his potential business conflicts and shady dealings are none of your damn bidness. And you worried about electing Hillary Clinton because of her lack of transparency. Oh, irony.

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