The Orange Don: America’s (Ill) Legitimate Child

It’s officially three days before America becomes the laughingstock of the world gets its next president. So put down the bath salts, America: it’s time to get serious about what this means for our country. You can go to your methed-out, naked street-corner ranting when we’re done.

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Thanks to Russia’s interference in our elections, there’s been a lot of talk about the coked-up orangutan we less-than-affectionately call our President Elect. Because Russia decided to do some shady-ass shit like hack into the DNC database and release the very true information contained therein – because Russia decided to spread fake news like a herpes virus (or a Kardashian reality show, take your pick as to which on is more dangerous and contagious) – and because Trump is stacking his Cabinet with a bunch of Russia sympathizers – a lot of liberals have taken it upon themselves to declare the Orange Don an “illegitimate” president. Rep. John Lewis, Rep. Dianne Feinstein, and director Michael Moore all claimed that Trump’s presidency is about legit as his hairline.

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Sorry to say, America, but deep down you know that shit ain’t true. Trump is a monster of our own making. To say he’s illegitimate not only contradicts everything our intelligence community has told us, but ignores a deeper truth: Donald J. Trump is legitimate as fuck.

If y’all want to hide in your bubble, that’s fine. But hear us out: talk to Trump supporters. There are a lot of them. Sure, some (not all) of them believe fake news. Oftentimes, though the source is American, not Russian. With all the bullshit Breitbart pumps out on a daily basis, Putin’s trolls making up fake stories was pretty superfluous.

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Did it ever occur to you, America, that people seek out this shit because of a little thing called “confirmation bias”? Liberals do it too. If you see something that challenges your worldview about Obama or Trump (depending on your outlook) being the perfect scion of humanity, you avoid that shit like the plague. (Editor’s note: Trump is still the worst – but that doesn’t mean that every shitty thing you read about him is true).

By way of anecdotal evidence: we have a close relative that is crazy, blindly Republican. It doesn’t matter what asshole has the “R” next to his name – even if that person completely contradicts our relative’s worldview and everything he holds dear, our relative will pull the lever for that asshole. Growing up, all we heard from this relative was what a piece of shit Bill Clinton was for dodging the draft. As a war veteran himself, the relative took great offense to that part of Slick Willie’s bio. Understandable! So when we confronted him with the information that Donald J. Trump was also a draft dodger, guess what happened? Do you think that changed his vote? Fuck no. He still voted for Trump. He mumbled excuses and has never spoken a word to us about it again. It’s way too uncomfortable for him – the notion that a beloved Republican would be so unpatriotic as to dodge the draft and make no sacrifice for his country besides building a beautiful structure or two.

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My relative believed what he wanted to believe, even when confronted with the evidence that his belief was in no way based on fact. He had already decided he was going to vote for the Republican, and there was absolutely nothing that was going to change his mind. That’s not Russian interference, though we wish it were America, because then we might actually be able to do something about the orange shit stain that is about to take our nation’s highest office. We know liberals would love to remain in a state of denial about this, but it’s only serving to distract us from doing the work that needs to be done: getting everyone, Republican and Democrat, on board with enacting meaningful, positive change in our country.

So wake up. It’s depressing to think that people actually chose a sociopathic cockatiel to be our next president, but they did. Russia didn’t hack into the voting booths to make that shit happen, either. Come Inauguration Day, there’s gonna be thousands of people enthusiastically cheering him on as he says what is likely to be the most reprehensible shit that’s ever been uttered during the democratic exchange of power. Some of his supporters love him for saying that shit – some of them love him in spite of him saying that shit – either way, they represent a significant minority that wants him up there. And they voted him in of their own free will. Donald J. Trump is America’s ill, legitimate child. And we’re about to give that child run of the place. No amount of denial will change that.

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Photo Credits: AttnGoodreads, Tumblr, Giphy, Mic, Giphy