He could’ve gone the tasteful route and answered questions like a normal human being, but the Orange Don rightly suspected that his adoring public was expecting more of him. Consequently, his first press conference as President Elect of the most powerful country in the world more closely resembled a WWE cage match than a question-and-answer session with the Chief Executive. Kenny Powers would be proud.
Ostensibly, the presser-turned-clusterfuck was supposed to be about the Orange Don severing all business ties so he could at least pretend he was going to comply with our nation’s ethics rules. To that end, he brought out piles of manila folders he claimed were filled with all the paperwork he’d filed to put his company in blind trusts in the hands of his demon spawn children. Of course, the media grew instantly suspicious when asked to believe that the coked-up orangutan read that many documents when they didn’t even have any pictures on them, and so asked to see them. This is how the deranged cockatiel responded:
That response, combined with the fact that none of the papers that were poking out had anything written on them:
Convinced pretty much everyone with a working set of eyeballs that the folders were like everything in the Orange Don’s life, to include his wives, children, and business ventures: they were only there for show.
When Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget realized that the media wasn’t impressed with his tiny penis yuge stacks of folders, which should have proven he had the biggest, classiest, most successful business empire the world had ever seen, he got more than little testy. When he realized that all anyone wanted to ask him about was a leaked dossier that revealed his love of Russia, prostitutes, and golden showers, he got even more pissed (ha!).
A CNN reporter found out the hard way that Trump doesn’t arrange press conferences to answer questions so much as he does to give a reality-show-level performance the Kardashians only wish they’d thought of first. He tried to ask Trump about the dossier, which prompted Trump to berate the reporter in the same way he probably screams at his hairline when he looks in the mirror every morning.
“‘Your organization is terrible,’ Trump told CNN’s Jim Acosta when he tried to ask a question.
‘You’re attacking us, can you give us a question?’ Acosta replied.
‘Don’t be rude. No, I’m not going to give you a question. You are fake news,’ Trump responded.
Then, just to prove he’s trolling us all, he took a question from the real fake news organization, Breitbart. All the while, paid staffers from his administration applauded him and booed hostile questions from the media. At one point, his fluffy spokesperson, Sean Spicer, threatened to have the reporter removed from the presser.
All in all, we give Trump’s presser four out of five suplexes. We’re withholding the fifth suplex, because we know he can do better. Both the WWE and other, more successful dictators have given him the roadmap to succeed.
Our humble suggestions: Next time a reporter gives you lip, bust his ass with a folding chair. Maybe even teabag him while he’s rolling around on the floor to emphasize your point that this jabroni is indeed a purveyor of fake news. Don’t rely on your paid audience to cheer when you unleash your patented WWE moves: install lighted “applause” signs to give them their cues. Maybe instruct the cameraman to zoom in on a particularly hype audience member at just the right moment.
At the end, shoot a gun into the air and stroll out with some smoking hot ring girls on each of your tiny little tea-pouring hands. Tell the press you’ll smell them later, drop the mic, and ride off into the sunset with a fog machine and a laser show enhancing your exit. Trust us – you’ll leave the haters breathless.