While showing up to work drunk sounds like a super-fun idea, it doesn’t always yield the best results. We’re not saying House Republicans discovered this the hard way, but…
The vast majority of us going back to work after a long vacay spend about 90% of our time fucking and around and the other 10% checking the backlog of bullshit emails we got during the break. But not our Republican-controlled Congress, y’all. They are earning that government paycheck by getting down to business on their very first day back from a long, winter recess. There was a lot of important work to do, so what did they put at the top of their priority list? Did they finally get off their asses and confirm Merrick Garland to the US Supreme Court before their Orange Overlord nominated Captain Crunch in his place (What? He has military experience and he’s super-rich – he checks all the boxes). Did they fix what they allege to be deficient with Obamacare so Americans everywhere finally have the proper health coverage?
No! They didn’t do any of those important things! House Republicans decided instead to commence the vital task of gutting the independent ethics committee that investigates them for doing the kind of shady shit they did when they got their palms greased by Jack Abramoff several years back. From Politico:
“Monday’s effort was led, in part, by lawmakers who have come under investigation in recent years. [….] House Republicans adopted a proposal by Judiciary Chairman Bob Goodlatte (R-Va.) to put the Office of Congressional Ethics under the jurisdiction of the House Ethics Committee. The office currently has free rein, enabling investigators to pursue allegations and then recommend further action to the House Ethics Committee as they see fit. Now, the office would be under the thumb of lawmakers themselves.”
Apparently, Republicans agreed with Democratic ethical stalwarts like Charlie Rangel, who was censured by his own colleagues in 2010 for tax evasion. The beef, according to them, is that sometimes the Committee investigates trumped-up charges. You know what happens to those charges when they’re unfounded, though? They’re dismissed. But instead of voting on simple rule changes that could give a lawmaker accused of an ethical violation more due process rights, Republicans thought gutting the whole Committee was a better way to go.
Their boss, House Speaker Paul Ryan, told them that shit was a bad idea, and he was right. But you know what really galls us about this whole ordeal? That Republicans made us agree with Donald Fucking Trump. We will never forgive them for that. Shortly after the vote, the Orange Don tweeted the following:
We have a saying in the South: a broke clock is right twice a day. In this case, President Camacho was spot-on. Of course, don’t even think about applying ethics rules to him or his family. That shit won’t fly with him. To be fair though, Trump reads at about a third-grade level, so asking him to do ethical things like completely divesting all his business interests or not holding pay-to-play fundraisers with his family are probably a bit beyond his comprehension.
Needless to say, there was a huge public outcry over Republicans saying, “Bye Felicia!” to ethics and accountability. Because of that, and because modern-day Republicans are the biggest pussies we’ve ever seen (look at their revolving door of presidential primary candidates if you don’t believe us), they backtracked with a quickness, pulling their proposed legislation. Maybe they sobered up?
Of course, if you ask the coked-up orangutan that is soon to be our chief executive, it was his deft handling of a social media account that really made Congress back down. Just like he improved the economy and created millions of jobs before he took office, all with the power of his tremendous words. We’ll let him believe that for now, just like we’ll let him think that pro wrestling is real – for a little while longer at least. Children (or 70-year-old grown men with childlike mentalities) deserve to keep the magic as long as possible, don’t they?