I’m Dreaming Of An Orange Christmas

With every blog post I write! Sing it with me now! How were your holidays, America? Ours were pretty awesome – we got to say goodbye to the cunt that is 2016, which gave us a nice bout of stomach flu as a final fuck you before it sashayed away with a cringe-inducing lip sync (thanks, Mariah Carey!). But the question on everyone’s mind is, how did our future orange-tinted overlord spend his holidays? Is he acting more “presidential”? Well, if by “presidential,” you mean he’s still having Twitter tantrums, making poor choices, and trying to start WWIII, then yes – he’s still being quite “presidential.”

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First, he named one of his staffers, Jason Miller, to be his administration’s communications director. Then, strangely, Miller said he wasn’t going to take the job because he wanted to spend more time with his wife, who is giving birth to their second child in January. That sounded not the least bit suspicious, at least until another Trump staffer, lady lawyer AJ Delgado, decided to put him on blast for emulating his boss – in other words, not keeping his married dick in his pants. Here’s a sampling of some of her Woman-Scorned Tweets, which she put out into the Interwebs before deleting her account.

“Congratulations to the baby-daddy on being named WH Comms Director!”

“The 2016 version of John Edwards.”

“When you try to put a brave face and tweet about nonsense to distract, your feed looks like [Jason Miller’s].”

If you guys need us, we’ll be over here:

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We don’t know why Jason Miller decided to resign in disgrace just because he had an affair. Perhaps he’s preparing for his next presidential run. After all, his boss took his mistress on the same vacation as his wife, and it didn’t hurt his chances. Never forget the Ivana Trump-Marla Maples catfight in Aspen, America, because it’s too good.

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Clearly, though, the Orange Don needed a good communications director to save him from himself. Because not even a day later, he Tweefed (that’s queefing out an ill-advised Tweet, for all you amateurs) the following statement:

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That sent his team into a frenzy to explain that their sociopathic orangutan boss didn’t really mean the words that came out of his mouth. Anything resembling an air of competence is like poison to the Orange Don. So naturally, he set the record straight the next day when he told MSNBC: “Let it be an arms race.”

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Cool, so – WWIII it is, then? And Iran is supposed to be the scary nuclear threat? Jesus, dude, at least pretend like you’re not going to abuse your access to the nuclear codes.

Our favorite, though, pretty much sums up Trump’s entire existence. To prepare for the upcoming apocalypse that will be his 2017 inauguration, he went to his golf club and had a presser with Don King. Why so confused, America? Every good pro wrestler needs a hype man.

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After a few minutes of rambling like your pilled-up grandpa about the evils of technology, he went on his merry way. At the end of the week, he hosted a New Year’s Eve party at his super-classy, stupendous, elegant, gold-plated member’s-only golf club at Mar-a-Lago. Everybody had to pay to get in to see a coked-up cockatiel in a tuxedo violate long-held ethical pay-to-play codes in real time (it’s a family tradition, after all). The video of the Orange Don’s speech to the party is here if you want to see it in all its majesty. He spends a lot of time giving his Dubai business partner a rim job glowing praise, but our favorite part has to be when he told the crowd this:

“I wanna thank my members. I really don’t care too much about their guests. The ones I really care about are the members – I don’t give a shit about their guests.”

What an amazing quote. Let’s fix it though, so it reflects the Orange Don’s true worldview.

“I wanna thank my members all the millionaires and billionaires that contributed to my campaign. I really don’t care too much about their guests the lower-and-middle-class people that work for them, since they’re poor losers anyway. The ones I really care about are the members the rich people who suck up to me and give me whatever I want. I don’t give a shit about their guests the working-class people I made a bunch of empty promises to – I’ll do whatever the fuck I want.”

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Photo Credits: SomeECards, Reaction GIFs, GonzoToday, NY Times, Giphy, Amino Apps, Giphy