A GossiPol Primer: The Truth About The Women’s March

The day after the inauguration of our Orange Overlord (a day that he decided to proclaim the “National Day of Patriotic Devotion,” since nobody really paid attention to his swearing-in the first time around), almost five million men and women all over the world demonstrated peacefully in defense of women’s rights.

This peaceful demonstration that Republicans are always asking for didn’t sit so well with them for some reason. A lot of Trump voters are #Triggered that people are democratically asserting their rights. Noted men’s rights activist Piers Morgan, Republican legislators, and of course the Orange Don himself are all super-upset that a bunch of chicks gathered in large numbers and nobody got either a golden shower or a hot dinner by the end of it.

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In honor of Kellyanne Conway’s crusade for #AlternativeFacts, we here at GossiPol have decided to answer some commonly asked questions and concerns some conservatives have about the Women’s Marches that occurred over the weekend.

Don’t you chicks have anything better to do than complain? Trump won. Get over it.

As a matter of fact, we don’t have anything better to do. After his first day in office, President Camacho solved everyone’s problems, as promised. That left us with a yuge time vacuum we filled the only way we knew how – by complaining about shit with our girlfriends.

I heard men weren’t allowed. Why do you feminazis hate men so much?

Men weren’t allowed because as feminists, we are required by law to hate them. It’s probably some sort of pathological penis envy we haven’t resolved because we all have daddy issues. The Feminist Dyke Code (2nd Edition) technically mandates that I’m not allowed to tell you that. We cover it up by kidnapping unsuspecting dudes while they’re watching their favorite sports event and forcing them to march with us. They’re kind of like your token Black friend. Just look at these miserable bastards who were forced at gunpoint practically to march in solidarity with women.

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I know everyone who actually marched tells me that it was peaceful, but I’m suspicious. You babes were really just rioting, weren’t you? The liberal media covers it up, but I’m onto them too.

Don’t know why you guys are so suspicious that the millions of women who attended are telling falsehoods about their experiences there. Perhaps it’s time I come clean and tell you what REALLY happened at the Women’s Marches. The overriding cause of our march was to sacrifice as many children as possible to our dark lord and savior Hillary Clinton. The orgiastic blood ritual lasted about three hours, which was about the time when we ran out of children to sacrifice to our cruel goddess. Our plan is to organize future marches, inviting men to come along. They will be summarily executed when the march begins. We will repeat this process until we have eliminated men from the face of the earth. Finally, we’ll be free to do what all feminazis love more than anything: to scissor babies into each other’s uteruses and abort them right before they reach term. We haven’t sorted out how we’ll get pregnant, but we’re confident that with enough pussy hats, we’ll be able to solve that problem by the time we’ve cleansed the globe. In fact, we’ve uncovered heretofore unseen pictures of the unspeakable carnage that occurred at Women’s Marches around the world.

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You ladies have it pretty good in America. What about women suffering around the world? How can you complain about your rights when women in third world countries have it way worse?

Ah, the old reliable Sean Hannity straw man argument: if someone has it worse than you, don’t complain! You can’t possibly care about two things at once. The human mind is too fragile and simply won’t allow it. Of course, the Women’s Marches on Saturday completely ignored the rights of women in other countries, because liberal chicks only care about themselves. Just look at the women in places like Iraq and Kenya who didn’t even get to march and felt marginalized by American feminists.

Women’s march in Erbil, Iraq. (Twitter)

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We hope this GossiPol primer has been informative – especially for you, Donald.

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Photo Credits: GiphyNot News Enough, GQ, Quartz, Redbook, St. Louis Post-Dispatch, News.au, Yahoo, Albawaba, Jamhuri News, Giphy

Bless Your Heart: The Kellyanne Conway Edition

At this point, the Trump Administration has stopped pretending that they’re not going to do a real-life reenactment of George Orwell’s 1984. At least we have Kellyanne Conway’s pleasant, albeit vapid intonations to lead us into our future dystopia. Our favorite crispy-fried Stepford Wife appeared on Meet the Press this past weekend to attempt the impossible: explain why her sociopathic orangutan boss was so obsessed with the size of his – crowd. From CNN:

“In an interview on NBC’s ‘Meet the Press,’ host Chuck Todd pressed Trump senior adviser Kellyanne Conway about why the White House on Saturday had sent Spicer to the briefing podium for the first time to claim that ‘this was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period.’

‘You’re saying it’s a falsehood. And they’re giving — Sean Spicer, our press secretary — gave alternative facts,’ she said.”

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Oh bless your heart, Kellyanne – are you actually starting to believe the crazy shit that is flying out of your mouth? As Chuck Todd rightly pointed out, “alternative facts” is just a fancy way of saying:

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Maybe check out the Merriam-Webster definition of a word before you try to use it. Or just, you know – try not to lie so much.

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President Camacho Marks First Weekend In Power By Throwing Hissy Fit Over Whose Is Bigger

Bigger inauguration, that is. Why, what’d you think we meant?

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Oh America, get your mind out of the gutter. This is President Donald J. Trump we’re talking about. Penis size is always the furthest thing from his mind.

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Remember when we talked about our Orange Overlord’s inauguration? We were counting down the days hours until the coked-up orangutan who holds our nuclear codes had a bitch-fit over how small his crowd was compared to Obama’s 2009 inauguration. Well, the Orange Don is totally presidential, you guys, because he restrained himself for 12 hours before throwing a tantrum at the CIA Memorial of all fucking places. From Salon:

“He defensively touted the crowd size for his swearing-in ceremony, wrongly claiming that the throngs on the National Mall stretched ‘all the way back to the Washington Monument.’ Photos and video clearly showed the crowd stopping well short of the landmark. [….] During his remarks at the CIA, the president claimed the inaugural crowds topped 1 million people, offering no evidence.”

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Then – perhaps because talk of how small he was compared to Obama made his delicate, Lilliputian fingers tingle – the Orange Don solidified his bad judgment with a Tweef:

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Yes, idiot, when you visit their workplace, your employees will line up to hear you speak. It’ll be a “packed house” of CIA agents. None of them are going to bruise your fragile ego by telling you what a shitty president you are. They’ll give you “long standing ovations,” because YOU SIGN THEIR PAYCHECK. There is no other reason for them to waste valuable work time by listening to you wax poetic about how you’re such a big man because you got more Time Magazine covers than Tom Brady.

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Just in case there’s in any doubt left in your mind, America, about how hot and bothered Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle was over the inauguration crowds, there’s also the matter of that impromptu press conference delivered by fuckboy White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. He’s seen here looking like a fat guy swallowed Saul Goodman and is wearing his skin until he can find a more suitable host.

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Y’all don’t fuck with the Pillsbury Dough Boy’s brand of Better Call Saul, because she is not the one, OK? Miss Spicer channeled Hillary Clinton and became one nasty woman when the press dared to report the very real facts about Trump’s micropenis tiny inaugural crowd size. The full video is here, but here are the choicest quotes for those of you who don’t want to hear Spicer dry sob his way through a shit-fit.

“Photographs of the inaugural proceedings were intentionally framed in a way, in one particular tweet, to minimize the enormous support that had gathered on the National Mall. [….] Inaccurate numbers involving crowd size were also tweeted.  No one had numbers, because the National Park Service, which controls the National Mall, does not put any out.  By the way, this applies to any attempts to try to count the number of protestors today in the same fashion. [….] This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration – period – both in person and around the globe.”

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Jesus Christ, dude, pull yourself together! Your Cheeto-encrusted boss has only been in office two days, and already you feel the need to empty your purse in front of everyone and their brother because of the crowd size? What’s going to happen when there’s an actual crisis? Are you going to demand a public flogging of every reporter at Buzzfeed? Seriously, if you don’t chill, you’re going to have an anyeurism before week two. We know it sucks when even women beat you in a size-measuring contest, but try to salvage what’s left of your dignity. Also, try not to follow up “we can’t count the numbers” with the obvious lie “this was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration.” It’s a bad look.

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Before we sign off on this post, America, pay attention to the ominous words at the end of Spicer’s speech: that the CIA agents who supposedly gave him a five-minute-long standing ovation were “displaying their patriotism.” Remember that for the next four years: that criticism is akin to betrayal, and love of our Great Orange Leader is the only true way to show your patriotism. We hope that, despite electing the Kumquat Despot into office, you reject this premise before he is impeached finishes his term in office.

Photo Credits: Giphy, NeoGAF, Giphy, Giphy, Express UK, Giphy, Washington Post, Tumblr, Tumblr

President Camacho Had A Fancy Inauguration, With All The Bells And Dog-Whistles

Only the best for our new Supreme Orange Leader. Today, the majority of the voters Electoral College spoke, and we watched a reality star, WWE superstar, and beauty pageant owner put his tiny, tea-pouring hands on the Bible and take the sacred oath of office that would give him our nuclear codes. We thought the inauguration of Donald J. Trump would look a little more like this:

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But instead it was a rather low-key, classy affair. We in no way blame the Orange Don for this – we know if he had it his way, it would’ve been a goddamn spectacle. From the Huffington Post:

“During the preparation for Friday’s transfer-of-power, a member of Trump’s transition team floated the idea of including tanks and missile launchers in the inaugural parade, a source involved in inaugural planning told The Huffington Post. ‘They were legit thinking Red Square/North Korea-style parade,’ the source said, referring to massive military parades in Moscow and Pyongyang, typically seen as an aggressive display of muscle-flexing. The military, which traditionally works closely with the presidential inaugural committee, shot down the request, the source said.”

Aw, it’s no fair, you guys! How come Mao Zedong and Kim Jong-Un get missile launchers in their parades and the Orange Don doesn’t? Maybe our military just doesn’t want him to be as respected. Or maybe they’re a bunch of boner-killers because they were raised in a democracy. Who knows? All we know is, we were deprived of the Fuhrer President loving the smell of napalm in the morning, and that hurts our hearts.

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We suppose we’ll have to wait until he systematically dismantles our representative democracy from the inside before we’re treated to that visual. Despite being cheated out of a dictatorial military parade, millions of adoring fans crowded together to watch Trump get sworn in. Wait, that’s not quite right – hundreds of thousands of people had spacious accommodations at the National Mall. Of course, that’s a normal number, right? Just compare the attendance in 2008 at Obama’s inaugural address.

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OK, so maybe there were a lot less people who wanted to watch an orange-tinted sociopath take the nation’s most important office. But size doesn’t really matter, does it?

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Sorry Donald. We suppose you’re right. Obama’s was bigger and that’s all that matters. Anyway, those in attendance got to see their Orange Overlord give a shout-out to his favorite anti-Semite, Charles Lindbergh ,after he was sworn in as Commander in Chief. His whole speech is here if you’re interested, complete with NPR’s shady annotations.

There were plenty of laughable moments, including the part where he insisted that our military is “depleted” while our educational system is “flush with cash” (teachers – we didn’t know y’all were rolling in the dough, you hide it so well). But the worst moment had to be this:

“From this day forward, a new vision will govern our land. From this day forward, it’s going to be only America first — America first.”

For those of you unfamiliar with the origin of this phrase, “America First” was the name of an isolationist Committee started in 1940 at Yale University. Charles Lindbergh was one of its biggest cheerleaders. Their primary goal was to stay out of WWII. I mean yes, the Nazis were evil and killing Jews by the millions, but according to Lindbergh, they kind of deserved it because they spread fake news.

“Instead of agitating for war the Jewish groups in this country should be opposing it in every possible way, for they will be among the first to feel its consequences. Tolerance is a virtue that depends upon peace and strength. History shows that it cannot survive war and devastation. A few farsighted Jewish people realize this and stand opposed to intervention. But the majority still do not. Their greatest danger to this country lies in their large ownership and influence in our motion pictures, our press, our radio, and our government.”

That movement kinda lost steam after a little thing called Pearl Harbor. But the Orange Don doesn’t want this bright idea to be lost to the annals of history. People have been trying to tell his ass about the sordid history of that phrase, but of course he doesn’t want to listen. Maybe that particular dog whistle is intentional, then? This is what happens when you put Steve Bannon in the White House.

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As Jezebel pointed out, Trump should’ve stuck with plagiarizing Bane from the Batman movies. Those parts seemed a little more inclusive, since they emphasized that our Orange Overlord is actually giving America back to the people. We’ll have to wait to take ownership, though, since it’s on permanent loan to Trump’s Cabinet of millionaires and billionaires.

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Photo Credits: The Huffington PostGiphy, Imgur, International Business Times, Giphy, Tenor, Giphy

The First Week of Cabinet Confirmation Hearings Went Swimmingly

Of course, you guys know we’re being sarcastic, right? If you come to our site enough, you should have a trained ear for that sort of shit by now.

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So yeah, it’s hard to imagine why the Orange Don’s millionaires and billionaires with about fuck all experience in politics amongst them are not doing so hot under the bright lights of the Senate confirmation hearings. We’ve got a lot to cover, so let’s get right to it.

First up is our favorite, Dr. Ben Carson, Trump’s nominee to head up Housing and Urban Development, for reasons we can only assume are inherently racist (“Who do I know that’s Black that can be in charge of all those disgusting and un-classy structures that ruined my property values?” Trump probably asked his advisors as he furiously Tweefed the wrong Ivanka at 3 in the morning).

We are pleased to announce that Dr. Carson didn’t waver from his daily regimen of what we can only guess are booze and quaaludes just to attend some piss-ant confirmation hearing. He was in rare form as he sleep-talked his way through a series of questions on his lack of qualifications for his job. At one point, he appeared to forget where he was and slurred out to Sen. Sherrod Brown, “You remind me of Columbo.”

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The best, though, was when he got either a little too drunk or a little too honest (or maybe both!) in answering a question from Sen. Elizabeth Warren about whether he would prevent HUD dollars from landing in the Trump family’s pockets. From the Washington Post:

“’It will not be my intention to do anything that will benefit any American,’ Carson said. ‘It’s for all Americans.’”

So yeah, he’s totally getting nominated, you guys. Everybody else in the department will do all the work while they distract their boss with a Slinky. He’ll be so distracted playing with it, giggling to himself on the floor of his office eight hours a day while everyone under him does the important work of housing underprivileged Americans. This is honestly the best-case scenario for a Trump Cabinet pick.

Next up, we have genteel Southern lady, Sen. Jeff Sessions. He stands out among his colleagues for having political experience and not being a millionaire or billionaire (that we know of – we’re too lazy to look that shit up). He blends right in with Trump’s other picks in being utterly unqualified for the job. Trump’s pick for Attorney General has a law degree – it’s just all the subtle racism that’s the problem.

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The best/worst part of his confirmation hearing was when he straight-up said you don’t know shit from shinola if you’re too “secular.” From Slate:

“’And a secular person has just as good a claim to understanding the truth as a person who is religious, correct?’ [Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse asked]. At which point Sessions responded, ‘Well, I’m not sure.’”

This is actually one of the less offensive things Ms. Gen. Beauregard Robert E. Lee Foghorn Leghorn, III has said. From insisting “good people don’t smoke marijuana,” to “I was okay with the KKK until I learned they smoked marijuana,” to “no one [from the Dominican Republic has] a provable skill,” our boy Jeff is going to fit right in when the Senate that found him too racist to serve as a federal judge allows him to become one of our worst AG’s ever.

Finally, we have Putin’s Trump’s pick for Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson. He spent more than eight hours in his confirmation hearing. It’s surprising things took that long considering he answered almost zero questions about his foreign policy outlook. When Sen. Marco Rubio asked him whether he supported Trump, Jr.’s – I mean Philippines President Rodrigo Duterte’s bloody drug war – Tillerson didn’t want to answer, saying he didn’t have all the information. To which Rubio responded (paraphrasing): “Bitch, I got it from the LA Times.”

He was equally reticent about his former company ExxonMobil’s lobbying against climate change. When Sen. Tim Kaine challenged him on the issue, it was the old man bitch fight everyone was hoping for. From the Washington Post:

“At one point, Tillerson had a testy exchange with Sen. Tim Kaine (D-Va.), the former vice presidential candidate, about whether ExxonMobil had for decades concealed from investors and the public what it knew about the science of climate change — going as far as paying outside groups, Kaine said, to raise doubts about the growing scientific consensus around the problem.

‘I’m in no position to speak’ on behalf of company executives, Tillerson said, dodging the senator’s questions about the company where he worked for 40 years. ‘You would have to speak to them.’

Kaine continued to press Tillerson about his knowledge of ExxonMobil’s history on climate change. Tillerson continued to refer him to the company he led until recently.

At one point, Kaine asked, ‘Do you lack the knowledge to answer my question, or are you refusing to do so?’

‘A little of both,’ Tillerson responded.”

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What our likely future Secretary of State is telling us, America, is that his potential business conflicts and shady dealings are none of your damn bidness. And you worried about electing Hillary Clinton because of her lack of transparency. Oh, irony.

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