Kim Jong-Un Went On Epic Bender, Almost Killed Entire Staff Of Generals

Today must be Dictator Day here at GossiPol.

Team Coco conan obrien wiz khalifa thats what she said

Because we love dick jokes as much as we love slagging off dictators, it only seems appropriate. Today’s second dictator story comes to us from the glorious Democratic People’s Republic of Korea – better known to the rest of the world as North Korea. Their glorious leader, seen here after destroying a Golden Corral all-you-can-eat buffet:

kim jong un

Decided to wash it all down with a gallon or so of booze. While partying at his summer villa back in September, North Korea’s Glorious Eater Leader got shit-housed and began berating his top generals. From the New York Post:

“‘That none of you were able to produce not even one military satellite is a misconduct that is commensurate to treason,’ the sauced despot allegedly told his country’s top military brass during an all-night reprimand. But the next morning, the tyrant was no longer inebriated and asked why the elderly officials were at his villa, apparently having no memory of his tanked-up tirade, UPI reported. ‘Why are you gathered here? Kim allegedly said, adding: ‘Be careful about your health because you are all old.’ With that, the military men began crying [….] ‘They were relieved because they thought they were going to be purged,’ a source told Tokyo Shimbun.”

This makes us feel good about all the embarrassing shit we’ve done drunk. No matter how stupid wasted we’ve been, we’ve never even come close to murdering a bunch of our friends. Then again, we’ve never polished off ten bottles of Bordeaux wine before. We don’t wanna call our boy Kimmy fat, because we know how much he hates that.

Image result for kim jong un fat gif

So instead we’ll say that only a man of his – enormous girth – could handle the amount of booze it would take to make you forget that you meant to execute your entire staff of generals. Our advice to Kimmy would be to lay off the sauce before he actually follows through on one of his drunken ideas.

Image result for kim jong un executed uncle drunk

Oh – never mind, then.

Photo Credits: GiphyGiphy, Giphy, Know Your Meme, Newser

Advertisements

Putin Ordered Russian Hacks – Wonder Why?

Is it because he considered a coked-up orangutan just a tad easier to manipulate than a seasoned public servant who criticized him for rigging his own elections?

Image result for the world may never know gif

A lot of Trump supporters have gotten their panties in a twist over the conclusion of almost every intelligence agency out there: that Russia hacked the DNC and Hillary aide John Podesta in an attempt to get the Orange Don elected. Odd that they dispute there was interference in our elections, since when their boy was down in the polls, they were chanting “rigged” at every single one of his rallies.

Image result for trump rigged gif

Turns out it was “rigged” – just not in the way Trump was saying. Because today, intelligence officials have found new evidence that Russia not only interfered with our elections by hacking and spreading fake news, but that their interference was actually ordered by Putin himself. From NBC News:

“Putin’s objectives were multifaceted, a high-level intelligence source told NBC News. What began as a ‘vendetta’ against Hillary Clinton morphed into an effort to show corruption in American politics and to ‘split off key American allies by creating the image that [other countries] couldn’t depend on the U.S. to be a credible global leader anymore,’ the official said. Ultimately, the CIA has assessed, the Russian government wanted to elect Donald Trump.”

It’s important to note that none of this means that Russian interference actually changed the outcome of the election. The sad fact of the matter is, we’ll never know how many people were swayed by fake news and leaked emails. Nobody who voted for Trump is now going to come out and admit, “All that fake shit Vladimir Putin fed me to got me to believe that a spoiled man-baby with no business acumen or government experience was preferable to the most over-qualified candidate we’ve ever had.” But at the very least, you’d think we’d want to investigate the how’s and why’s of Russia fucking with our free and open elections. Well, that’s what you’d think if you were anyone other than Chester Cheetah’s butt dingle. He tweeted this morning:

Image result for russia hack trump tweet

Why indeed, Donald? Why did intelligence agencies wait so long to tell us that Russia was fucking with our elections? Oh wait, they didn’t. In fact, Trump himself even acknowledged that Russia was hacking to fuck with our elections. Remember this, America?

Image result for russia hack trump gif

But now that Russian hacking benefits him, the Orange Don becomes shocked at the proposition that Russia would try to use hacking to interfere with our elections? That’s cute.

But the DNC emails that showed party officials favoring Hillary Clinton over Bernie Sanders weren’t exactly made up. Democrats kind of dug their own grave with this one, didn’t they? Well, Republicans probably dug a few graves of their own. We’ll just never know because the Russians didn’t release those hacked emails. Even though several GOP congressmen seem to agree with that conclusion, Rinse Pubis and Trump officials have denied that Russia successfully hacked the RNC database and want to see the receipts.

kim and kanye

Ummm, guys – we wouldn’t ask that if we were you. The shit we already know about your political in-fighting is bad enough. Do you really want us to see the shit you were afraid to air out in public?

Photo Credits: GiphyGIFnText, Tenor, NY Daily News, Giphy, Giphy

Our Next President Believed A WWE Storyline Was For Real

To be fair, so did this guy:

Image result for wrestling real to me gif

President-Elect Donald J. Trump, who is smarter than the generals, his security briefing team, and his tax attorney, was sadly a little ill-informed when it came to professional wrestling. Despite having actually participated in fake WWE sketches many times in the past, the Orange Don was still in the dark about the fact that it’s all for show. What, America, this doesn’t look real to you?

ezgif-save

So when a storyline in 2007 called for Trump’s bestest buddy, WWE founder Vince McMahon, to “die” in a fiery explosion, our future chief executive was more than a little concerned. How concerned, you ask? Well, according to wrestler Triple H, concerned enough to call in and check on whether Vince McMahon was actually killed in a staged explosion.

Image result for vince mcmahon limo gif

From Deadspin:

“What kills me is that so many people called [to see if McMahon had been killed]. I’m not kidding – he’ll probably be mad at me for saying this, but Trump called and was like, ‘Did something happen to Vince?’”

Image result for laugh hysterically gif

It would be even funnier if this asshole weren’t about to be gifted with our nuclear codes. Hopefully, he understands by that time that nuking China isn’t a fake WWE skit.

Photo Credits: GiphyEnuffa, Thought Catalog, WFO Underground, Photobucket

Clearly President-Elect Camacho Is Straight-Up Trolling Us With His Cabinet Picks

At this point, it seems that the only qualification to be part of the Orange Don’s Cabinet is to either have zero government experience or to have had political experience in trying to burn that agency to the ground. Of course, being a millionaire or billionaire doesn’t hurt your chances either.

So yeah, President-Elect Camacho continues to make choices in the run-up to the Apocalypse his Inauguration Day. First up is his pick for Secretary of State. Naturally, he’s a millionaire who’s never worked for the government a day in his life. America, meet ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, seen here next to his bottom bitch, Russian president Vladimir Putin:

Rex Tillerson, left, is seen with Russian president Vladimir Putin and Krasnodar governor Alexander Tkachev at the signing of an agreement between Rosneft and Exxon Mobil.

Man, you could cut that sexual tension with a knife. Tillerson got picked because unlike his future Cheeto-encrusted boss, he’s really good at business. He’s so good at his job, he struck up a multi-billion dollar deal with Russia to drill in their Arctic territories. That deal was going swell for everybody (except the environment) when Barack Hussein O-Bummer crashed the party by imposing sanctions on Russia for invading the Crimea. Those sanctions have cost ExxonMobil $1 billion and counting. So it should come as no surprise then, that our boy Rex is not a fan of those sanctions and wants them lifted ASAP. From the Chicago Tribune:

“We do not support sanctions, generally, because we don’t find them to be effective unless they are very well implemented comprehensively, and that’s a very hard thing to do.”

Of course, these particular sanctions have had the desired effect. Russia stopped advancing in Crimea, and Putin admitted that the sanctions are “severely harming Russia.” But since ExxonMobil is getting harmed too, it’s no surprise that Rex wants to lift the pesky sanctions that are possibly preventing Russia from completely taking over the Ukraine. What’s peace in Eastern Europe worth in comparison to getting fucking rich off of oil, amirite?

Even Republicans are not pleased that the Orange Don has chosen Putin’s bestie to head the State Department. It probably doesn’t help that the CIA just concluded that Russia intervened in our elections so Trump would win. Let’s just say it’s not a good look.

Image result for that doesn't look good gif

The pick that really has us shaking our heads is Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Energy – this fucking guy.

Dancing with the Stars abc dwts skip rick perry

That’s right America – former Texas governor, Rick Perry. Drunk Uncle Rick probably thinks that if he wears super-thick glasses, he’ll fully transform into his alter-ego Clark Kent so we’ll forget about the time he day-drank his way through the 2012 Republican primaries. We can’t, won’t, and never will forget those times, Rick, because they bring such joy into our lives. Remember him stumbling onto a stage in New Hampshire and incoherently rambling about the state motto?

Image result for rick perry drunk gif

Our favorite, though, was his debate performance. Drunk Uncle Rick started listing the three federal departments he would eliminate if he were to become president. It went something like this:

rick perry

Oops! Know what the third agency was supposed to be, America? Of course it was the Department of Energy. Trump is totally trolling us, America. He’s basically like, “Who hates this department with a fiery passion? Yup, that’s the guy I want to be in charge.” What other choices were we expecting from a man who doesn’t even know professional wrestling is fake? More on that later.

Photo Credits: KnowableThe Guardian, love.allwomenstalk.com, Giphy, Texas Monthly, Giphy

President-Elect Camacho’s Super-Classy, Bigly Successful Interview With Chris Wallace

We’re pretty sure that Chris Wallace’s interview with the Orange Don that aired yesterday was originally intended to be a puff piece. His Fox News overlords would never want their viewers to be confronted with the stark reality of the terrible decision they made when went to the polls November 8th hopped up on meth and Ny-Quil.

hell cocaine rick james chappelle show cocaine is a hell of a drug

But sadly for Fox News, Chris Wallace is an actual journalist, unlike Sean Hannity. Just ask Megyn Kelly. Anyway, since Chris Wallace is an actual journalist, he had to air some of the coked-up orangutan’s worst soundbites. And boy, are we here at GossiPol sure glad he did! While we weep in sadness for how fucked this entire country is come Inauguration Day, we weep tears of joy for how fun it’s going to be to rip apart what is clearly a mentally-challenged man-boy billionaire who accidentally became President.

The whole interview is here if you’d like to see the Orange Don falter in the attempt to come up with more than ten words to describe everything from his foreign policy to his jumbo jet. But we can’t talk about this interview without mentioning the most terrifying part: his security briefings, or the lack thereof.

“WALLACE: I just want to ask you about your skepticism about the intelligence community. You are getting the presidential daily brief [….] only once a week.

TRUMP: Well, I get it when I need it. [….] I don’t have to be told — you know, I’m, like, a smart person. I don’t have to be told the same thing in the same words every single day for the next eight years. It could be eight years — but eight years. I don’t need that. But I do say if something should change, let us know. Now, in the meantime, my generals are great, are being briefed. Mike Pence is being briefed, who is, by the way, one of my very good decisions. He’s terrific. And they’re being briefed. And I’m being briefed also.”

college the office mindy kaling dumb parents

First off, we love the shade Trump threw at his VP and generals. He’s too smart to get daily briefings, so we guess that make them too dumb to not get daily briefings? Second of all, how the fuck would he know the briefings are the same every day? He’s never even tried getting daily briefings.

The whole “let me know if anything changes” bullshit? Who’s he relying on to “let him know” – Mike Pence? His generals? The people doing the briefings? How much of a change has to occur before they try and rouse Trump from his 3am Tweeting tantrums to brief him? And don’t even get us started on this narcissistic cockatiel’s hypocrisy. Guess who slammed Obama for supposedly not getting daily security briefings? You guessed it.

Image result for trump obama briefings tweet

One of the most telling moments was when Chris Wallace asked the Orange Don about whether he’ll get lonely while his captive wife remains in New York. His response should have been his campaign slogan:

“No, I’ll be working. I’ll be working. [The White House] is a very special place and it represents so much. And there’s a lot to do. There’s a lot to do. More than I even thought.”

Ash vs Evil Dead starz ash williams bruce campbell sam raimi

Trump supporters got super-pissed at the reports that Trump seemed overwhelmed with his presidential responsibilities after meeting with Obama in the White House. Here it is, straight from the orangutan’s mouth. “There’s a lot to do. More than I even thought.” The Orange Don might be one of the only people who underestimated the responsibilities of being the chief executive of the most powerful country on earth. Narcissism and getting your entire business empire handed to you by your daddy will do that to a person.

The Trumpster didn’t fare a lot better when he delved into actual policy. Chris Wallace asked the question we’ve had on our minds for quite some time about Trump’s Taiwan phone call. Trump’s response was – special.

“WALLACE: You recently took a call from the President of Taiwan, and on the Sunday shows, including ours, some of your top aides said, oh, it was just a congratulatory call. But the next day, some of your top aides said, no, in fact, you had been thinking about this for weeks in advance to send a message. So, which is it?

TRUMP: Oh, it’s all wrong. No, no. It’s all wrong. Not weeks. I took a call. I heard the call was coming probably an hour or two before.”

We hate to say we told you so, America, but…

Image result for told you so gif

We’ve been screaming since it happened that Trump did that shit on a whim. All his advisers insisted that they carefully planned it in advance. And of course we were right. Of course Chester Cheetah’s butt nugget didn’t plan a major shift in foreign policy in advance. Did you really think, America, that a man with rancid cotton-candy weave would make well-thought-out, prudent decisions? And that opportunists in his transition team wouldn’t try to spin it like their boss is anything other than an impulsive twat? Of course not. This is your president, America. If you think you’re going to be getting anything other than this for the next four years:

You’re sadly mistaken.

Photo Credits: Bodybuilding.comGiphy, GiphyAviation Source, Giphy, Spoil The Dead, Democratic Underground