Bless Your Heart, Trump Adviser Carl Paladino

It’s that time again, America. Somebody done fucked up and made it all about themselves, which means it’s time for us to condescendingly tell them: Bless your heart.

This edition comes to us from Trump adviser Carl Paladino, seen here looking like a mafia boss coming to collect an overdue bribe. That or a Dollar Store version of Emperor Palpatine – it changes depending on the lighting.

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Before we get into the meat of the story, let’s give you the background on our charming subject. Emperor Carl Tony Soprano Palpatine is a New York businessman who specializes in real estate development, just like his orange-tinted idol. He ran for governor of New York in 2010 against Mario Cuomo. The campaign was going splendidly until people found out that Emperor Carl’s, Jr. Paladino only believed in the sanctity of marriage when espousing his anti-gay platform, not when it came to his own personal vows. Yes, our buddy Carl decided to go off and have a love-child with one of his staffers. His message to his wife of almost 40 years when she found out? “Get over it.”

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So what did this paragon of morality, Emperor Vinny Testaverde Paladino, do to celebrate the birth of the Lord and Savior of the Republican Party Donald Trump Jesus Christ? Why, he “accidentally” forwarded a racist diatribe about the Obamas to a Buffalo newspaper, that’s what! The Buffalo publication Artvoice sent a survey to Paladino and 41 other people asking them about their hopes for the upcoming year. These were Emperor Douchewater Paladino’s responses:

“What would you most like to happen in 2017?

Obama catches mad cow disease after being caught having relations with a Herford [sic]. He dies before his trial and is buried in a cow pasture next to [Obama adviser] Valerie Jarret [sic], who died weeks prior, after being convicted of sedition and treason, when a Jihady [sic] cell mate mistook her for being a nice person and decapitated her.

What would you like to see go away in 2017?

Michelle Obama. I’d like her to return to being a male and let loose in the outback of Zimbabwe where she lives comfortably in a cave with Maxie, the gorilla.”

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We’ve spoken about white oppression before, America, and wouldn’t you know it? A bunch of folks got their panties in a twist and started accusing Emperor Carl of being – gasp – racist! And he is not happy about it, you guys. He is shocked and offended that anyone would think suggesting a Black woman go to Africa (where she was not born) and fuck a gorilla is racist. The mere suggestion gives him the vapors, like the genteel Southern lady he isn’t.

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When asked about why the fuck he decided this survey response was a good idea, Trump’s butt buddy and soulmate had this to say. From NY Daily News:

“I never intended to hurt the minority community who I spent years trying to help out of the cycle of poverty in our inner cities,’ Paladino said in the statement. ‘To them I apologize. [….] I wanted to say something as sarcastic and hurtful as possible about the people who are totally responsible for the hurt and suffering of so many others. I was wired up, primed to be human and I made a mistake. I could not have made a worse choice in the words I used to express my feelings.’

Paladino said he only intended to share the comments with friends but hit ‘reply’ instead of ‘forward’ on an email, sending his remarks to ArtVoice by mistake.

[….] ‘For the mean-spirited, disoriented press trying to find grounding and recover legitimacy on my back, pray that you still have a job next year because you have lost all credibility with the people,’ he wrote.”

Aw, poor, delicate snowflake! The indignity of being called racist when you are just “trying to help” the “minority community” by – we guess, from the looks of his website – buying real estate in downtown Buffalo? Because “building great structures” is the true definition of sacrifice and helping your fellow man, as the Orange Don has taught us all.

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Even better, this asshole somehow manages to make himself the victim in all this because he doesn’t know how the “Reply” button works, and the press is just so mean to him. Bless your heart, Carl Paladino – you really think you’re the victim in all this? Sorry boo, but:

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Photo Credits:, Dograt, Pinterest, Giphy, Mic, Tumblr