People Now Have To Pay For The Dubious Pleasure Of The Trump Family’s Company

Like any good prostitute, the Trump family believes that if you want the torment pleasure of their company, you’ll have to pay for it. Some might argue this is the only way they can get any “real friends” to hang out with them, but we’re going to try real hard and remain free of any cynicism.

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Now that Daddy Dearest has been elected by a minority of the country, the Orange Don’s kids have taken the opportunity to make that money by whoring themselves out auctioning off a chance to spend time with them. It’s all for “charity,” of course. You know by now, America, that when we mention the words “charity” and “Trump” in the same sentence, there’s always a catch, don’t you?

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First, we have Trump’s longtime crush daughter, Ivanka. Just last week, the Eric Trump Foundation was auctioning off the chance to have a 45-minute coffee “date” with Stockholm Syndrome Barbie. The highest bid came in at $72,888 from a company called Go Hydrogen that doesn’t really appear to exist anymore. Even worse, three of the businessmen bidders admitted that they hoped to win the auction specifically so they could lobby President-Elect Camacho through his daughter.

The money was supposed to benefit the Eric Trump Foundation, which was then supposed to give the money to St. Jude’s Children’s Research Hospital. The Trump kids cancelled the auction after the NY Times called them on their bullshit. Eric (the one we affectionately call “Bloodless Vampire”) released the following statement after cancelling the auction:

“Today, the only people that lost are the children of St. Jude.”

To which we reply:

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Eric Trump is worth a mere $150 million, so we know it would’ve broken the bank for him to simply write out a tax-deductible $72K check to St. Jude’s. Looking cancer-stricken kids in the eye and telling them that they won’t be getting charitable donations because some other millionaire won’t write him a check had to be hard, but Bloodless Vampire persevered. We applaud his restraint and fortitude in telling St. Jude’s to go fuck itself. But Bloodless Vampire closely follows the ho code manual, which clearly dictates that you don’t give that ass away for free, and we really can’t be mad at that.

Luckily, this run-in with ethical violations hasn’t deterred the Trump spawn from walking the ho stroll. Just today, TMZ obtained an invitation created the Trump spawn to an auction for multi-day hunting and fishing trips with Bloodless Vampire and his brother American Psycho (birth name: Donald, Jr.). Of course the auction takes place on Inauguration Day, because pay-to-play shouldn’t wait one single hour to commence in the new Trump administration. The proceeds will go to “conservation charities,” because nothing says conservation like killing rare and exotic species.

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For a mere $1 million, you can watch Bloodless Vampire and American Psycho attempt (and probably fail) to achieve an erection by shooting creatures smarter than them. For only $500K, you can meet the sworn-in President of the United States and go hunting with him or his kids. We can only assume that shooting his rabid weave would cost extra.

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Again, Trump voters, explain to us how Hillary was the more corrupt choice?

Photo Credits: WiffleGIF, Giphy, Giphy, Pinterest, Giphy

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