If the NSA’s goal is to rid the world of Muslims, the Orange Don certainly picked the right people for the job. Joining General Jack D. Ripper in Trump’s National Security Council will be Jihad Barbie, Monica Crowley, who will serve as strategic director of national communications. She’s seen here, looking like a Real Housewife who just got a blowout with her third husband’s alimony check:
Jihad Barbie’s career has consisted of two notable bullet points: slobbing off a post-impeachment Richard Nixon so she could write a bunch of unauthorized biographies after his death, and writing (mostly) un-plagiarized “think pieces” for NPR, Fox News, and the Washington Post.
Her real qualification, though, stems from her progressive views on a religion shared in common by 1 billion people, all of whom are apparently evil motherfuckers. Here’s a sampling of some of the most outrageous shit Jihad Barbie has said about Muslims, from Yahoo:
“Some [refugees] may be fleeing war and persecution, but most are not. In fact, only about 10 percent of the new arrivals [into Europe] are from Syria; the other 90 percent are from elsewhere in the Middle East, North Africa and countries like Pakistan and Indonesia who are using the European Union’s open doors-open borders policy to reach the West for social welfare and the longer-term goal of spreading Islam.”
No word yet on where she pulled that “90 percent” statistic from, but we’re going to go out on a limb and say: her ass. The numbers show that there were actually 378,000 asylum seekers from Syria – by far the most of any country, comprising 29% of all asylum seekers. The next two countries were Afghanistan and Iraq, where – you know – actual wars are going on. We’re glad, though, that Jihad Barbie didn’t let a pesky thing like underestimating the number of Syrian refugees by a three-to-one ratio deter her from shooting off at the mouth.
“We were told that many Muslims turned away food provided by the International Red Cross because it was stamped with a Christian cross.”
Someone tell the Red Cross to change their symbol back to the First Aid cross. It’s really confusing the Muslim refugees, who I’m so sure preferred starving to death over eating food that had a non-Christian cross stamped on it.
“Islam is no mere religion. It is an all-encompassing ideological system that dictates everything from law (Shariah) to personal relationships which also have religious elements. [….] It therefore requires that we fight this war the way we fought the Nazis in World War II and Soviet communists during the Cold War.”
Gurl, if one billion people decided to declare jihad on the Western World, we’d be super fucked. Also, we love how she’s like, “Islam is no mere religion. It has all these laws and moral codes – you know, like the very definition of a religion.”
Our favorite, though, has to be this tweet, which Jihad Barbie ostensibly posted in support of the Orange Don’s brilliant Mexican wall plan:
We don’t even know where to begin with this. First of all, aren’t conservatives supposed to hate Communism? Second of all, wasn’t the Berlin Wall an abject failure in preventing people from crossing over to the other side? I was a kid when the Wall was torn down at the request of a Republican president. I don’t remember much about that time, but I do remember everybody being super psyched about it coming down. From what I understand, people were not nearly as happy when the wall was built. But, hey, things like statistics and history and common sense are obviously not Jihad Barbie’s strong suit.
We do wish we could be a fly on the wall when General Jack D. Ripper and Jihad Barbie get together for security briefings. We’re sure it’ll consist primarily of them live-Tweeting the latest conspiracy theories queefed out by Russian hackers. They’ve got a lot of work to do, though, if they want to outstrip their boss’ embarrassing social media gaffes.