At this point, it seems that the only qualification to be part of the Orange Don’s Cabinet is to either have zero government experience or to have had political experience in trying to burn that agency to the ground. Of course, being a millionaire or billionaire doesn’t hurt your chances either.
So yeah, President-Elect Camacho continues to make choices in the run-up to the Apocalypse his Inauguration Day. First up is his pick for Secretary of State. Naturally, he’s a millionaire who’s never worked for the government a day in his life. America, meet ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson, seen here next to his bottom bitch, Russian president Vladimir Putin:
Man, you could cut that sexual tension with a knife. Tillerson got picked because unlike his future Cheeto-encrusted boss, he’s really good at business. He’s so good at his job, he struck up a multi-billion dollar deal with Russia to drill in their Arctic territories. That deal was going swell for everybody (except the environment) when Barack Hussein O-Bummer crashed the party by imposing sanctions on Russia for invading the Crimea. Those sanctions have cost ExxonMobil $1 billion and counting. So it should come as no surprise then, that our boy Rex is not a fan of those sanctions and wants them lifted ASAP. From the Chicago Tribune:
“We do not support sanctions, generally, because we don’t find them to be effective unless they are very well implemented comprehensively, and that’s a very hard thing to do.”
Of course, these particular sanctions have had the desired effect. Russia stopped advancing in Crimea, and Putin admitted that the sanctions are “severely harming Russia.” But since ExxonMobil is getting harmed too, it’s no surprise that Rex wants to lift the pesky sanctions that are possibly preventing Russia from completely taking over the Ukraine. What’s peace in Eastern Europe worth in comparison to getting fucking rich off of oil, amirite?
Even Republicans are not pleased that the Orange Don has chosen Putin’s bestie to head the State Department. It probably doesn’t help that the CIA just concluded that Russia intervened in our elections so Trump would win. Let’s just say it’s not a good look.
The pick that really has us shaking our heads is Trump’s nominee for Secretary of Energy – this fucking guy.
That’s right America – former Texas governor, Rick Perry. Drunk Uncle Rick probably thinks that if he wears super-thick glasses, he’ll fully transform into his alter-ego Clark Kent so we’ll forget about the time he day-drank his way through the 2012 Republican primaries. We can’t, won’t, and never will forget those times, Rick, because they bring such joy into our lives. Remember him stumbling onto a stage in New Hampshire and incoherently rambling about the state motto?
Our favorite, though, was his debate performance. Drunk Uncle Rick started listing the three federal departments he would eliminate if he were to become president. It went something like this:
Oops! Know what the third agency was supposed to be, America? Of course it was the Department of Energy. Trump is totally trolling us, America. He’s basically like, “Who hates this department with a fiery passion? Yup, that’s the guy I want to be in charge.” What other choices were we expecting from a man who doesn’t even know professional wrestling is fake? More on that later.