The fake news epidemic has (hopefully) reached its climax, which is rude, America, because it didn’t even bother to try and get you to climax first. Be that as it may, fake news has gotten popular not merely because it is being spread by the mentally handicapped and Russian trolls, but also thanks to an unlikely source: the Agriculture Commissioner of Texas, Sid Miller. He’s seen here, looking like the mutant rodeo clown offspring that resulted from the time Larry Hagman fucked a bridge troll:
Jesus, Texas, was Foghorn Leghorn too busy to serve as Agriculture Commissioner? Anyway, this guy, who we feel duty-bound to remind you was a teacher before he became a public servant, has spread more fake news on social media than the Orange Don’s buddies at the National Enquirer. Among our favorites are the stories about Muslims running a terrorist training camp in rural Texas (because jihadists can really blend in there), Lady Gaga covering her face until Trump gets out of office, and the US Communist Party endorsing Hillary Clinton.
When confronted about posting blatant lies on Facebook, Sid took his bae Trump’s approach: he blew it off. From Yahoo:
“I’m not a news source. I shouldn’t be held to that standard. I put things up there. I’m very, very active on it. Hundred and fifty posts a week. No, I’m not going to research every one of them. If it’s thought-provoking, I’ll put it up there and let the readers decide. [….] We will continue to post things we find newsworthy, interesting, thought-provoking. [sic] funny, or controversial and let our followers decide whether its [sic] news, satire, or something else. As they say over at Fox News. [sic] We report. You decide!”
God, don’t you just love the accidental shade Sid threw at his precious Fox News? He posts fake shit because he subscribes to the same journalistic philosophy as them. Anyway, we here at GossiPol are not journalists, so we really feel like we could learn something from Larry Hagman’s busted butt buddy. We feel compelled to follow Sid’s example and “report” things about him that we find “interesting” and “thought-provoking.” No, we’re not going to “research” every one of these stories. You, the reader, can decide whether it’s “news, satire, or something else.”
First up is this story about Sid Miller that we found on the interwebs. Back in early November, our buddy Sid tweeted that Hillary Clinton was a “cunt.” Instead of taking ownership of that Tweet, he blamed it on being hacked. When that shit didn’t stick, he blamed it on a staffer. The real story here, America, is:
You heard it here first, America: Sid Miller doesn’t have a penis. If you were to pull his pants down around his cowboy boots, he’d look like a Ken doll. What else are we to make of the fact that he doesn’t have the gonads to take responsibility for calling KILLARY a cunt? Only a man without genitalia would do something like this. We haven’t “researched” this story, but we felt it was “thought-provoking” enough to put on social media. You decide, America: Does Sid Miller have a penis?
Here’s another good story we just stumbled on. Sid participates in orgiastic blood rituals involving cows. How do we know this? Well, he posted a Yelp review criticizing a local restaurant for bringing him a sirloin instead of a ribeye. He posted a positive review of another restaurant because: “Everything is very juicy.”
What else are we to make of this, America? Sid Miller wants a “juicy” steak so he can save the blood that runs off the meat and participate in the kind of “Spirit Cooking” popularized by KILLARY’s aide John Podesta. The mainstream media won’t cover this kind of story because they’re too afraid of being the next victims in Sid Miller’s Satanic blood sacrifices. WAKE UP SHEEPLE! Now, we’re not a “news source,” so we shouldn’t be held up to any kind of “standard” in deciding whether or not Sid Miller actually does sacrifice cow’s blood to his dark lord and savior, Lucifer. You decide, America: Does Sid Miller practice “Spirit Cooking”?
Ooh, we’ve got one more story coming in hot off the presses, and this one is too “controversial” to ignore: Sid Miller is a secret Muslim terrorist! How do we know? It’s obvious if you read the signs. He posted this meme to his Facebook in August:
He’s always talking about how scared he is that the US will become a “Muslim country.” But if he really wants to bomb Muslims, then how does he know about the location of their secret terrorist training camp? BECAUSE HE’S ONE OF THEM, DUH! Only a sleeper agent would pretend to be that xenophobic. It’s the perfect cover! We don’t know if this story is really true or not, America, but we posted it just so you could make up your own mind. After all, we subscribe to the same motto popularized by Fox News and Sid “Secret Muslim” Miller: We report. You decide.