Remember when the Orange Don promised to “drain the swamp” during his presidential campaign? That was supposedly a euphemism for ridding Washington, D.C. of “special interest dealing.” We hate to break this to you America, especially since you seemed to believe a sociopathic orangutan enough to elect him to our highest office, but guess what? He was lying to you. When he said he wanted to get rid of “special interest dealing” and purge DC of lobbyists, what he really meant was he loved special interests and lobbyists so much he wanted to put them all in his Cabinet.
He started by appointing Steve Mnuchin to Secretary of the Treasury. Mnuchin and his daddy earned millions working as CEOs of Goldman Sachs. Weird how Trump is now cool with Goldman Sachs, considering he featured them in his last campaign ad about corruption. But hey, he’s entitled to do exactly what he always planned on doing have a change of heart. And why not pick a guy who did business with George Soros? You know, the George Soros that, according to alt-right conspiracy theories, supposedly funded all the anti-Trump protestors? I guess Trump had a change of heart about Soros too. Hmm, why is our favorite spoiled man-baby always changing his mind so much?
That would make sense. Then there’s Betsy DeVos, Trump’s nominee for Education Secretary. She’s a billionaire by marriage who hates public school so much neither she nor her children have ever attended one a day in their lives. Being a billionaire, according to our girl Betsy, means that you get to pay for political favors. As she once told Roll Call:
“Soft money is just hard-earned American dollars that Big Brother has yet to find a way to control. That is all it is, nothing more. I know a little something about soft money, since my family is the largest single contributor of soft money to the national Republican Party. I have decided, however, to stop taking offense at the suggestion that we are buying influence. Now I simply concede the point. They are right. We do expect some things in return.”
We love, by the way, how Betsy talks about not wanting “Big Brother” to control her husband’s precious, hard-earned money when she’s donating it to the Republican Party. You know, the people currently in charge of the government? If the people working in government (the very same ones who started the Patriot Act no less) are not Big Brother, then who the fuck is? Well, she is now, America, and with a Republican majority in Congress, we’re probably stuck with her.
Then there’s billionaire Wilbur Ross, who Trump appointed as the new Secretary of Commerce. Perhaps it’s payback for when Wilbur bailed out his bestest billionaire buddy Trump when he was bankrupting Atlantic City with his shitty, overpriced casinos. Or maybe the Orange Don loves Wilbur for his deft handling of the Sago Mine disaster that killed 12 coal miners. Wilbur didn’t let the Gawt-damn fedurul guvment tell him what to do. Even though the mine had over 200 safety violation citations, Wilbur didn’t let a pesky thing like worker safety prevent him from running that mine until it collapsed.
Just today, Trump added to his collection of swamp creatures by nominating millionaire Hardee’s CEO Andy Puzder as Secretary of Labor (because poisoning the American people with gut grenades and sexist TV commercials wasn’t punishment enough). Yes America, the guy whose business brought you ads like this:
Jesus, just fuck the burger already! Isn’t that the point of these ads? Sorry – the guy whose business made those ads is the guy who’s going to be setting labor policy. Apropos, really, when you consider his boss did shit like this before he got elected president:
Labor is the key word in Andy’s new job position, because he believes that you should labor no matter how much you’re paid. Despite the fact that as of 2012, Andy got almost $5 million a year in salary and his workers made a little over $7 an hour, Andy thinks giving his employees a living wage would just make them lazy. From Raw Story:
“If the minimum wage was increased then younger potential workers would be ‘at home looking at posters from the election or waiting for mom to make dinner, as opposed to getting out there and actually working, and getting the experience they need to go forward in life.’”
Yup, just ask the guy who makes almost $5 million a year: getting paid makes you lazy as fuck. When you’re rolling in the riches of $15 an hour, you do worthless shit like indulge in your hobbies and spend time with your family instead of toiling at a shitty fast food joint for 90 hours a week just to make ends meet. What a hellacious dystopia that would be! And don’t even ask this guy to give up a million a year in his precious salary so that workers can make a living wage; providing on-demand Type 2 diabetes to the American public while jerking off an orange-tinted sociopath for a political post is hard work, you guys! He’s earned every penny!
So yeah, this is the by no means exhaustive list of the millionaires and billionaires who are working hard to drain that swamp. Don’t you now wish you’d quit your glue-sniffing habit before you went to the polls?